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What will I do differently?

Old 08-04-2015, 04:34 PM
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What will I do differently?

"what will you do differently?"

this question is what I ask myself, every time I think I want to do something differently. And it's such a stressful question for me. I am not nor have I ever been a person who gets a controlled plan, and follows it. I like maps, but that's so I can veer off course and not get lost... you know?

My alcoholic parents screamed about accountability, what a messed up person I was.

My boss asks "so what are you going to do? (differently)?" and I have an answer. A collaborative one, but a good one. It's a springboard. I'm good at my job, very successful, actually. Who'd know that? I know answers and know that sometimes the answer is that there isn't an answer, but a starting point.

As far as my life, well, the best thing I can say is SHUT UP to that shaming voice in my head that knows that I want to have the answers and obviously I don't. So I don't know what to do differently. Right now the answer to that is that I'm not going to think too hard about what I "should" do to "do it right". I can create and enforce good boundaries, but from INSIDE ME.

So, I had to go to a meeting outside the office today. When I left, at 4 PM, I called my boss from the car, talked, and did NOT go back to the office, where my coworkers and the next door bar were. I drove home, fed my cat, ate too many chips and hummus, drank water, read like 20 posts here, changed into the clothes I will sleep in, called my GF and announced that I will not leave my house tonight because I'm going to paint.

"WOW, that's great!!!! Can I come over and write while you paint? Will that bug you? Creativity is contagious." (I'm usually too sauced/distracted/obsessed/anxious to paint, but I wouldn't admit that. I'm like that artist who hasn't painted in years but has a giant easel in the living room and my old work all over the place)

"Sure, as long as you don't bug me."

I have a fizzy water machine and need a new cartridge for it. CHANGING THE PLAN to go get one. See what I mean? I'm a very rigid person who rebels against my rigidity.

This is different. These boundaries. They are going INSIDE. So that is what I'm doing differently. It's a sort of spiritual practice.

Spiritual practice doesn't mean just church. That's just what reminds you, or reinforces it. I need self care. So. Hi, again, it's the 4th day after Friday when I was angry and stressed and got very drunk and, oh, I'll leave out the details but it was all so unnecessary, and yeah, back to today... it was a good day.

BTW those fizzy water machines are amazing, and you can buy a cheap one with the money you save on a week of booze. Then you don't have to buy the bottles. And it's got a little ritual. God knows I love a little ritual....

Thanks for being here. I'm lurking, when I can.
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Old 08-05-2015, 02:44 AM
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Hey Bexxed, sometimes it's the small stuff that can make all the difference, a new fizzy water routine can make all the difference, we just need something to break our old habits, no matter how small!!

Keep pushing through!!
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Old 08-05-2015, 07:13 AM
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I agree with pk
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Old 08-05-2015, 07:27 AM
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Hey Bexxed, mmm you like to paint... and what do you want to do differently.. your young lady writes..mmmm.. can you help out at a center for kids the boys and girls club for painting.. ???? try yoga or meditation... dig in the garden... if you can't can you do some potted plants ???
I pull us into volunteering for all kinds of stuff... and when I need to have lots of people around... well yesterday was my 65th.... went to the casino alone.. did not tell hubby.. got my birthday points and cheered some others on.. and won 30.00.. started with 3.00... I am a lady clown ... have done parties for tons of people in the past.. now because of health and my hubbies health.. don't put my clown on anymore.. but need to do something different... so I went were there was noise and people and shiny lights and shouts of yepppiiiieee.... I enjoyed it.. different what would I do differrent... kiddo find out why you enjoy life and do it.. hugs and prayers ardy wisconsin...
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Old 08-05-2015, 07:50 AM
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Thanks! Just woke up out here in the western USA, and slept really well last night. I allowed myself to do nothing last night. I looked around here, played with my cat, cracked into a non-intellectual book, ate Chinese on the couch and drank two huge bottles of homemade fizzy water before going to bed early. That is a big deal of difference. Letting it be ok to chill, not go somewhere, do something, be thinking about something, obsessing on something... Is a change.

It's helpful to read what other people say. When I think "what will I do to protect myself? How will I stay this way?" It's helpful to know what others do and didn't do. For me right now "keeping it simple" to allow space for new habits is working.
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Old 08-05-2015, 09:05 AM
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In the past, I've been big on setting rigid daily/weekly/monthly goals and timelines. Then when I failed to meet any of those goals, it gave me yet another excuse to drink. "Well, I failed to get X done today, so I might as well just drink the rest of the night and start my goals over again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll just put everything (except drinking) off until Monday. Monday is always a great day to start being organized. " Crazy thinking like that.

While I have goals in mind today, I only have one definite "I must achieve this, no matter what" goal every single day: Do not drink.

Any other goals I have are important but they're not concrete.

It's a much better way of life. I get more done on a daily basis today than I ever have before and all that stress of over-planning every moment is gone.

P.S. Also a big fizzy water guy. I like mine with a splash of 100% cranberry juice. I used to have a refrigerator that had a soda spigot set into the door, right next to the ice maker. I want one of those fridges again.
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Old 08-05-2015, 09:07 AM
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I like this thread. Interesting.
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Old 08-05-2015, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by CaseyW View Post
While I have goals in mind today, I only have one definite "I must achieve this, no matter what" goal every single day: Do not drink.

Any other goals I have are important but they're not concrete.
^^This.

My "goals" in early sobriety were:

1.) Do not have a drink today.


/the end.
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Old 08-05-2015, 10:02 AM
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Thanks. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I feel like, for me, with my individual background and experience, and I can only speak for me, but having some rigid plan is asking for failure.

Do not drink today. Yes.
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Old 08-05-2015, 10:09 AM
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Also Casey W I have this soda machine. Won't say the brand name because don't want to violate the marketing bans here. But it's AWESOME and I love it and think every household should have one. I make soda water whenever I want, with my own filtered tap water. I seriously would do a commercial but I doubt anyone would want to see me with my soda water on the couch with my cat and Chinese takeout lol.
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