JerryFish

Drinking still. Quit my job. Cancelled my doc's appointment. Got a new one next week.

I'm a joke. I'm a failure. All the crap I posted before seemed genuine and it was at the time. But I missed a huge gap in my mind.

Currently enjoying the numbness of beer. I know, I know..., I just know.

I'm a failure and a joke. Not even taking my own advice. I just can't stop drinking.

I lost my job and a lot of money spent on stuff I don't need.

I'm going to hear to pour it out, but I won't. I will die drinking, and I'm ok with that, I can't handle the stress of sobriety.

If I get sober from this point, I will be able to really help people. That's a big if. I'm in my own world and am enjoying it. Got beer ready for tomorrow. It's what gets me out of my traumatic mess. And I've planned to one day to be found dead, alcohol overdose or a side-effect of it. Some people will grieve but mostly I'll be out of my misery.

Here's the result of an optimistic quitter who made it 28 days, Do not underestimate it.

I don't care anymore.

ScottFromWI

I'm calling BS on that Jerry. You wouldn't keep coming back here if you didn't care. I won't share any advice other than get off your pity pot and stop drinking. We are here when you are ready.

JerryFish

Well ok, I can care somewhat. But I don't think it's enough.

I would love to die right now. That's the truth.

JayEl

Hey JerryFish. Not going to tell you to pour it out. I'm in the same place. We have to get out though. It's SO much work staying like this, the stress, the anxiety, the feeling like crap, the excuses.

I haven't logged on in a while, but your post inspired me to, can't explain why. No ones going to find you dead of an overdose or some random side effect. They're going to drive you to the hospital for paracentisis procedures, or to doctors appointments because you know your hands shake too hard to fill out any paperwork. It's not a graceful 'goodbye cruel world'. It's ugly and painful and shameful and we deserve better.

ScottFromWI

Please call 911 if you are suicidal. I believe you said you live with or near your parents? Please contact them too so they can help.

RogerD

Felt pretty bad a few days ago myself. I'm on day 2. I'm not giving up on myself. Don't give up on yourself. I was thinking today I have never regretted pouring beer or any alcohol down the sink. Really, I've regretted drinking, but never pouring it out

Hevyn

Jerry - you don't sound particularly happy, just numb. That gets very old. You don't seem like someone who is ready to give up. I believe you're going to give yourself another shot at a real life. Never give up, not ever.

blueberry2015

Jerry, im concerned about you x You mentioned trauma in this post and in others, Im not asking you to dulvulge what your own personal trauma is / was but I just wanted to share with you that I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and that is when my drinking got totally out of hand. I drank because I didnt want to feel the pain, all I wanted to do was numb and block it all out and drink done that for me. However when sober the trauma was still there and even though temporarily the drink made me forget in the long term it made it hell of a lot worse. I am not in any means saying that you too are suffering with ptsd but I can see some similarities with what happened to me. Trauma puts the mind and body into shock and is very common to self medicate with drugs or alcohol... Jerry I got better hun... you can too. It maybe worth doing a little research on ptsd and trauma and see if you can identify with any of it. When I was told I had ptsd it floored me and suddenly it all made sense. I want to help you Jerry. Please please please see your doctor. You can get through it.... I did. Sending you a huge amount of love and hugs to you. x x x

blueberry2015

and yes if you are feeling suicidal call the emergency services. We care Jerry. Please please seek help x x x

JerryFish

It's just too much. I will drink until I drop dead. Which will take a long time... But at least I had some enjoyment.

I really feel like giving up. I'm a loser. I'm a wimp. I'm dissatisfied with life. I know getting sober would get me over those perceptions and make it so I can be happy. But why bother if the release of Heaven is just that close by?

Ok, shaking my head. It's not what I want. For all I know the place to make babies is here, maybe in Heaven you can't.

I'm severely conflicted and the easiest response is to not give a fudge. Maybe I do need to get help. But it's so difficult right now.

I picked up that last one a week ago and still haven't put it down.

What happened to me is awful, but no reason to drink.

I'm confused, drunk and conflicted. And I guess I did come here for help. Feeling embarrassed about the posts I made and the advice I gave. Look at me, how can that ever be taken seriously? I'm a joke to this community.

Now I'm starting to black out. Which is a lie. It's just a way to get out of this discussion. But I will be blacking out very soon.

And yes, I'm a writer. Not in the sense that it is a profession. But I like to write. Which explains my (hopefully) nearly flawless typing.

I write like a sober person, well except the content of it in these posts, but am so drunk that the screen is fading in and out.

Hoping to see you all in better times. Now I will black out, it's been pulling at me for a little while.

LBrain

I'm curious. What are the requirements to get a pass to get into heaven?

Hevyn

No one thinks you're a joke, Jerry. We care about you and want you to get well.

JerryFish

Everyone goes there.

2muchpain

I'm sorry to hear you have made a choice to drink. It was a choice Jerry. IMHO, everything we do is a choice. I choose not to drink today. Tomorrow might be different, but if I drink tomorrow, it's because I chose to. It wasn't because of this or that. We all have excuses to drink. It's really easy. I can come up with a ton of reasons to drink, but it was my choice to drink. No way around it. Take care and hope to see you on the sober side some day. John

JerryFish

I'll be back. That is what posting here and the responses have given me. Thank you all.

No response = blacked out drunk. Bad, but nothing worse.

blueberry2015

You are in no means a joke at all. You are a human being who is going through some tough ****, that doesn't make you a joke at all. You are not a failure.... thats the drink talking. Take some pride from your accomplishments you did 30 days sober and that is amazing. Take inspiration from the positive posts you had posted... thats YOU. Jerryfish the real Jerryfish. You have had a relapse, you wouldn't be the first and you wouldn't be the last. Come on mate.... you said you want to help others that tells me you have a good heart, but in order to help others you have to help yourself. You are a good person, the drink and depression are telling you otherwise... tell em both to feck off. You want help but are delaying the process, the sooner you seek help the sooner you will get better. Ive not lost faith in you, please don't lose that in yourself x x x Let us know how you are doing tomorrow x x x

LBrain

Everyone goes to heaven? Cool!

When I lost my job I didn't throw in the towel. I very well could have.
I didn't quit, I was let go because of alcohol. I made a decision to never allow alcohol to affect my life again. I will never drink again and I mean it.

I look at this as an opportunity to start over. It's going to be tough finding a job with what is on my record and especially at my age.
I am content for some strange reason. Maybe because I get to go to heaven. One thing for sure, I don't to show up drunk!

JerryFish

Thank you. I have many traumas, many complex ones. I should have said had but I can't be bothered to hit backspace. It's the state I'm in. There is one trauma that I've denied and it drives me to be depressed at times and that results into drinking.

I know there is a way to deal with it, so I'll try to get treatment.

And man am I going to feel humiliated tomorrow about this thread...

NestWasEmpty

Jerry , I was in that same mind set at the last end . Keep drinking _ didn't care ... But When the alcohol wouldn't stay down , because my esophagus was inflamed & stomach cramped up . It was a light that went off - I really did it now . What will they do feed me with a tube ? You may think you will just die , but other things can happen to your health . You don't want to become incompacitated , possible bed ridden the rest of your life
So many things can go on with your body . Please give some thought to this .

blueberry2015

no need to feel humiliated... I've been there. x