long post. Sorry, but I need advice?
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long post. Sorry, but I need advice?
Hi all!
I haven't updated in a while. The house thing is going good, I just made my first mortgage payment! (Pasta for dinner all week long folks!)
LB is adjusting well. With exception to the occasional bad dreams, she has slept in her own bed in her room. We have started a habit of reading a book everynight when I tuck her in, first I read it, then she reads it back to me. (very entertaining!). I've noticed some issues with EXABF. Some instances I've found out he has had her lie to me about things. I know there is not point in confronting him about it, it won't help anyone. I need to approach her about it, in a reassuring way to help her know that she doesn't need to lie. And in a way a 4 year old can understand.
I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I met someone in April. We met when I was out on a girls night one night. Turns out he lives 6 hours away, he was up here for work. We clicked so well that we have stayed in touch. He's been up here 2 more times for work and I've seen him then, and we've met half way twice. We talk every day (texting).
He seems to be the most down to earth person. Very thoughtful. The first time we met halfway we got lunch, went to the nearby lake, got ice cream. Then went to an outdoor movie showing, he knew I had never done that before.
Some things I've noticed though are that he always seems tired and has a hard time paying attention, I don't judge because my ADD and depression make me the same way. He had told me he has ADD, and I just figured his 6 night a week nightshifts make him tired.
When we met up for the 2nd time this past weekend he was still his sweet self, but a little...not distant, but not completely there either. We had a good time though, and went to the attached bar at the hotel after dinner. We had a couple of drinks, played pool and then went back to the hotel. During um...."us time" he all of a sudden stopped, and looked like he was having a panic attack. He started to explain that he has bipolar, (I had mentioned earlier in the day that I liked that he was consistent) and that he understood if I didn't want to be with him. That he didn't want to hurt me because its possible he can have a depressive episode and shut me out. I think it was really bothering him that he hadn't told me earlier, because he just seemed to blurt it out then kind of emotionally flinch as if waiting for a hit. We ended up talking about it that night and the next day. He was very honest with me, and I could tell he was very self conscious about talking about it.
He takes his meds, and is very self aware. I'm sure that doesn't keep all the possible up and down episodes from happening, but ADD meds and Antidepressants don't stop all of my problems either. Anyway, I know this is long. And off topic. But you guys are the only ones I can really tlak to about this kind of thing. I will NOT be anyone's caretaker. I'm strong enough now to back away from that situation. I don't see him wanting a caretaker, but that doesn't mean I'm not weary of the possibility either. We talked and we are going to keep seeing each other, I've been reading up on bipolar as well. I keep looking at it as if he were an addict though, like he will fall off the wagon. I guess that's habit. From what I've read most people with bipolar are devoted to taking self care with meds, therapy and the like.
Does anyone have any advice?
I haven't updated in a while. The house thing is going good, I just made my first mortgage payment! (Pasta for dinner all week long folks!)
LB is adjusting well. With exception to the occasional bad dreams, she has slept in her own bed in her room. We have started a habit of reading a book everynight when I tuck her in, first I read it, then she reads it back to me. (very entertaining!). I've noticed some issues with EXABF. Some instances I've found out he has had her lie to me about things. I know there is not point in confronting him about it, it won't help anyone. I need to approach her about it, in a reassuring way to help her know that she doesn't need to lie. And in a way a 4 year old can understand.
I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I met someone in April. We met when I was out on a girls night one night. Turns out he lives 6 hours away, he was up here for work. We clicked so well that we have stayed in touch. He's been up here 2 more times for work and I've seen him then, and we've met half way twice. We talk every day (texting).
He seems to be the most down to earth person. Very thoughtful. The first time we met halfway we got lunch, went to the nearby lake, got ice cream. Then went to an outdoor movie showing, he knew I had never done that before.
Some things I've noticed though are that he always seems tired and has a hard time paying attention, I don't judge because my ADD and depression make me the same way. He had told me he has ADD, and I just figured his 6 night a week nightshifts make him tired.
When we met up for the 2nd time this past weekend he was still his sweet self, but a little...not distant, but not completely there either. We had a good time though, and went to the attached bar at the hotel after dinner. We had a couple of drinks, played pool and then went back to the hotel. During um...."us time" he all of a sudden stopped, and looked like he was having a panic attack. He started to explain that he has bipolar, (I had mentioned earlier in the day that I liked that he was consistent) and that he understood if I didn't want to be with him. That he didn't want to hurt me because its possible he can have a depressive episode and shut me out. I think it was really bothering him that he hadn't told me earlier, because he just seemed to blurt it out then kind of emotionally flinch as if waiting for a hit. We ended up talking about it that night and the next day. He was very honest with me, and I could tell he was very self conscious about talking about it.
He takes his meds, and is very self aware. I'm sure that doesn't keep all the possible up and down episodes from happening, but ADD meds and Antidepressants don't stop all of my problems either. Anyway, I know this is long. And off topic. But you guys are the only ones I can really tlak to about this kind of thing. I will NOT be anyone's caretaker. I'm strong enough now to back away from that situation. I don't see him wanting a caretaker, but that doesn't mean I'm not weary of the possibility either. We talked and we are going to keep seeing each other, I've been reading up on bipolar as well. I keep looking at it as if he were an addict though, like he will fall off the wagon. I guess that's habit. From what I've read most people with bipolar are devoted to taking self care with meds, therapy and the like.
Does anyone have any advice?
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My best advice is to take it slow & easy & not over-commit yourself until you are vested in the relationship.
You're young B, if this isn't your dream partner then move on sooner rather than later. Don't trap yourself with obligations until you are committed for the right reasons. Listen to your gut; if it keeps signaling that it sees red flag activity, take notice.
That said, having these issues doesn't discount him automatically either. Time is what will show you if his actions match his words & whether he really takes accountability for himself for things like staying on his meds, etc. Awareness is good, but it has to be followed up with the right actions too.
You're young B, if this isn't your dream partner then move on sooner rather than later. Don't trap yourself with obligations until you are committed for the right reasons. Listen to your gut; if it keeps signaling that it sees red flag activity, take notice.
That said, having these issues doesn't discount him automatically either. Time is what will show you if his actions match his words & whether he really takes accountability for himself for things like staying on his meds, etc. Awareness is good, but it has to be followed up with the right actions too.
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thank you fire sprite! We are taking it slow, actually I've never been in a relationship that didn't rush and this is the first one that I feel is at a normal, comfortable pace.
He is very self aware and he holds himself accountable for his own actions. Which is new to me too in a man, lol. He's also the first person I've dated since high school that is actually my own age.
I will definitely make sure to watch for red flags. I also will not be introducing him to LB until I know for sure there is a long term possibility here. Other than the bipolar, he has many personality traits that I think are important. He is close with his family and sister, and his sister's daughter who is just a little younger than LB. He works, takes care of his own responsibilities and isn't a drinker nor does he do drugs. He is very thoughtful (so far).
He is very self aware and he holds himself accountable for his own actions. Which is new to me too in a man, lol. He's also the first person I've dated since high school that is actually my own age.
I will definitely make sure to watch for red flags. I also will not be introducing him to LB until I know for sure there is a long term possibility here. Other than the bipolar, he has many personality traits that I think are important. He is close with his family and sister, and his sister's daughter who is just a little younger than LB. He works, takes care of his own responsibilities and isn't a drinker nor does he do drugs. He is very thoughtful (so far).
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I think FS is right on--take it slow. One thing I've found with long distance relationships is that long distance communication, texting, e-mailing, skyping, can create a false sense of intimacy. I have found myself thinking "well, we've communicated every day for months, I know him." But there is really no substitute for face to face time, and it sounds like you've only hung out with this guy in person five times. You are definitely still getting to know him.
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i agree that it's time to slow things down, WAY down....especially the sex part, which is what i assume you meant by us time. sex can be an extremely vulnerable time, leaving a person feeling VERY exposed emotionally and that can be some pretty tricky real estate to navigate.
if i worked six days a week, on the nightshift AND drove six hours to spend time with someone, i'd be tired too!!!! hell i'd be asleep in my plate of spaghetti!! he may be burning the candle at both ends and pushing himself too far, which isn't good for ANYONE. and can easily exacerbate other underlying conditions.
ease up. slow down. give time time.
if i worked six days a week, on the nightshift AND drove six hours to spend time with someone, i'd be tired too!!!! hell i'd be asleep in my plate of spaghetti!! he may be burning the candle at both ends and pushing himself too far, which isn't good for ANYONE. and can easily exacerbate other underlying conditions.
ease up. slow down. give time time.
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jjj - that is very true. The only thing we have agreed on is that we will continue the "getting to know each other" thing despite the bipolar disorder. We still have a lot to learn about each other.
For me, texting doesn't create that intimacy, usually the opposite. Its nice, and convenient, but far from intimate.
For me, texting doesn't create that intimacy, usually the opposite. Its nice, and convenient, but far from intimate.
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Anvil head - he didn't drive 6 hours, he drove 2, I drove close to 4. (its the only spot in between that has things to do).
I can agree with the sex thing. We have had sex. the last time I saw him was 6 weeks ago, and we have never spent the whole time of our visits doing that. Honestly neither of us has the energy. Most of the time we have spent together is talking, walking, and activities outside of that realm.
I can agree with the sex thing. We have had sex. the last time I saw him was 6 weeks ago, and we have never spent the whole time of our visits doing that. Honestly neither of us has the energy. Most of the time we have spent together is talking, walking, and activities outside of that realm.
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Take it real, real slow. In a long distance relationship, all you can see is what he presents to you.
What is preventing you from seeing other people, and dipping a toe in the dating pool? This guy is one guy, there are a lot of guys. You've met this guy two times, and he's already priming you for -- warning you about -- the real him. That, to me, is a red flag.
Your mileage may vary.
Edited to add:
Yes, my XAH was bipolar. When he was manic, he was the most charming, attractive, and exciting guy (to the point of scariness sometimes) in the room. The sex was off the charts (really, girl). He was wildly creative and funny. And also anxious, irritable, and touchy. In hindsight, I think he was in a manic phase when we got together. When he was depressed, he was distant, cold, a black hole you couldn't throw enough resources, time, money, energy, or love into. You know how our story ended.
What is preventing you from seeing other people, and dipping a toe in the dating pool? This guy is one guy, there are a lot of guys. You've met this guy two times, and he's already priming you for -- warning you about -- the real him. That, to me, is a red flag.
Your mileage may vary.
Edited to add:
Yes, my XAH was bipolar. When he was manic, he was the most charming, attractive, and exciting guy (to the point of scariness sometimes) in the room. The sex was off the charts (really, girl). He was wildly creative and funny. And also anxious, irritable, and touchy. In hindsight, I think he was in a manic phase when we got together. When he was depressed, he was distant, cold, a black hole you couldn't throw enough resources, time, money, energy, or love into. You know how our story ended.
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I'm not going to say that people with mental health issues are unsuitable for dating, but I am not sure if it is the most healthy of relationships to pursue after being in a relationship with an alcoholic. The distance between the two of you also seems like it is a rather unnecessary strain for a woman who has had to deal with many unnecessary strains in her prior relationship.
Dating should be relaxing and fun. It shouldn't be a research project. So yes, if you are going to continue, please tread lightly and take your time.
I don't mean to pry too much - I was reading up on your backstory with your other posts, and you did previously mention that you wanted to work on yourself and not date for a while back at the end of March in one of your posts. Have you been able to do this to your own satisfaction and benefit? Getting yourself back to where you deserve to be is a very important part of your own recovery process from dating an alcoholic, so try to keep that in mind as you pursue this relationship. You're #1.
Dating should be relaxing and fun. It shouldn't be a research project. So yes, if you are going to continue, please tread lightly and take your time.
I don't mean to pry too much - I was reading up on your backstory with your other posts, and you did previously mention that you wanted to work on yourself and not date for a while back at the end of March in one of your posts. Have you been able to do this to your own satisfaction and benefit? Getting yourself back to where you deserve to be is a very important part of your own recovery process from dating an alcoholic, so try to keep that in mind as you pursue this relationship. You're #1.
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Florence - I have been seeing other guys. This guy I've felt myself more interested in more than the others. We've seen each other more than twice.
I guess I didn't really give all the facts. Yes, we've met halfway twice. He stayed up here for work for about 6 weeks total, so we've gone to lunch a handful of times and some dates here if he was here when I didn't have LB.
We haven't discussed anything such as exclusively dating. He shared the bipolar thing with me because he wanted me to be aware of it, just like I do with my anxiety/depression issues. Maybe not the smoothest of ways, but I get that too.
Sorry, I think I shouldn't have brought it up. I wasn't looking for opinions on the speed of the relationship (the distance keeps me from going fast with out any other factors, allows me to see things from different vantage points). I just didn't know if anyone else here was familiar with dating someone with bipolar or knowing about it.
I guess I didn't really give all the facts. Yes, we've met halfway twice. He stayed up here for work for about 6 weeks total, so we've gone to lunch a handful of times and some dates here if he was here when I didn't have LB.
We haven't discussed anything such as exclusively dating. He shared the bipolar thing with me because he wanted me to be aware of it, just like I do with my anxiety/depression issues. Maybe not the smoothest of ways, but I get that too.
Sorry, I think I shouldn't have brought it up. I wasn't looking for opinions on the speed of the relationship (the distance keeps me from going fast with out any other factors, allows me to see things from different vantage points). I just didn't know if anyone else here was familiar with dating someone with bipolar or knowing about it.
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Also - I have been focusing on myself, getting DD and I comfortable in our new home, hanging out with friends, and family. Actually, we met only because I was out with a girlfriend one night, after she struck up a conversation with his friend. Otherwise, I wouldn't have met him at all.
This guy isn't something that is taking priority over anything but yes, I am interested in him as a person. No I am not looking to live with anyone or get married.
This guy isn't something that is taking priority over anything but yes, I am interested in him as a person. No I am not looking to live with anyone or get married.
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One of my best friend's husband has bi-polar but he stays in victim mode, never aggressively seeking to get better & STAY better. It wears on her a lot & after many years together she feels trapped by obligation. She can't see it as anything other than leaving him while he's down & abandoning her partner during his time of crisis. But he's been "in crisis" for years & only ever pursues change when it's obvious she's getting fed up.... then he cycles through telling her what she wants to hear & going through the motions until she settles down again. (and now this is what her DD is learning, smh)
I know others that manage their BP much better & have much higher quality relationships because of it. It really comes down to what a person is willing to do for themselves, IMO. (just like it is with so many other afflictions)
I know others that manage their BP much better & have much higher quality relationships because of it. It really comes down to what a person is willing to do for themselves, IMO. (just like it is with so many other afflictions)
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Blossom,
My DIL has bi polar. I think the world of her. She graduated valedictorian, has the highest clearance from the gov to work with infectious diseases. She keeps up with her meds, and anytime she feels they are not working properly she is at her psychs office the next day. She told my son about this on their first date. She did want him to know what he could be getting himself in for.
They are now trying to have a baby and she came off all of her meds, but is being closely monitored.
I'm not telling you this to sway you one way or the other. I think a lot of times coming to a board like this, you will get answers from people with experiences that they have had. Everyone's experiences are different. I would say here mostly we were dealing with undiagnosed, unmedicated, under medicated, or people who would just go on and off meds.
amy
My DIL has bi polar. I think the world of her. She graduated valedictorian, has the highest clearance from the gov to work with infectious diseases. She keeps up with her meds, and anytime she feels they are not working properly she is at her psychs office the next day. She told my son about this on their first date. She did want him to know what he could be getting himself in for.
They are now trying to have a baby and she came off all of her meds, but is being closely monitored.
I'm not telling you this to sway you one way or the other. I think a lot of times coming to a board like this, you will get answers from people with experiences that they have had. Everyone's experiences are different. I would say here mostly we were dealing with undiagnosed, unmedicated, under medicated, or people who would just go on and off meds.
amy
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I want to co-sign this too.
I'm super cautious because my experiences have led me to a point where I can't be with someone who has those challenges. It's not a judgement on anyone's character, but it is a judgement call on what I can handle, and how good a partner I can be to someone who has those challenges after my experience.
I think a lot of times coming to a board like this, you will get answers from people with experiences that they have had. Everyone's experiences are different. I would say here mostly we were dealing with undiagnosed, unmedicated, under medicated, or people who would just go on and off meds.
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Butterfly-
I have not been in an intimate relationship with someone living with bipolar disease, but I have a very good friend who does. She is excellent about getting support, taking her meds and self-care.
She was married to someone who also was struggling with mental illness. They are currently divorcing because his disease was up significantly and he stopped being willing to do anything about his disease.
She told me recently "I could not stay in a relationship where my illness was coming up/I was getting sick BECAUSE of someone else's illness." She choose to get out of the relationship as a result. She did not mean that his mental illness was causing hers, rather that his lack of self-care was creating challenges for her and she choose her. 10 years ago this spring I was faced with a similar challenge with my exAH around his drinking, but I choose "him" and to try to fix him.
I am amazed are her actions and braveness around this (things were fine in Feb and they were divorcing by April). Her statement to me is the new rule that I have decided to live by. Her level of comfort in the decision, her bravery and her ability for self-care has been wonderful to see. I was not capable of this in my situation, but I hope I would be now.
So my question for you is this-will you be able to hold onto yourself with this man even if the worst happens for him? She has shown me it is less about the person that you are in a relationship with and more about being okay in yourself and choosing self care (because that is never a bad decision).
I have not been in an intimate relationship with someone living with bipolar disease, but I have a very good friend who does. She is excellent about getting support, taking her meds and self-care.
She was married to someone who also was struggling with mental illness. They are currently divorcing because his disease was up significantly and he stopped being willing to do anything about his disease.
She told me recently "I could not stay in a relationship where my illness was coming up/I was getting sick BECAUSE of someone else's illness." She choose to get out of the relationship as a result. She did not mean that his mental illness was causing hers, rather that his lack of self-care was creating challenges for her and she choose her. 10 years ago this spring I was faced with a similar challenge with my exAH around his drinking, but I choose "him" and to try to fix him.
I am amazed are her actions and braveness around this (things were fine in Feb and they were divorcing by April). Her statement to me is the new rule that I have decided to live by. Her level of comfort in the decision, her bravery and her ability for self-care has been wonderful to see. I was not capable of this in my situation, but I hope I would be now.
So my question for you is this-will you be able to hold onto yourself with this man even if the worst happens for him? She has shown me it is less about the person that you are in a relationship with and more about being okay in yourself and choosing self care (because that is never a bad decision).
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Perhaps I painted a rosy picture of my DIL. She had to change meds once. You know, the new cocktail mix. She became delusional. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen and locked herself in the bathroom. My son did get the knife away from her and did get her out of the bathroom, and calmed her down.
Once they got her meds right again, she was fine.
Have you done any research on bipolar? Is it BP1, BP2, cyclothymic, dysthymic? Any hospitalizations? Any psychosis, catatonia, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia?
Without meds was it mostly mania, depression, rapid cycling, seasonal pattern?
Also with bipolar there is a high percentage that it is comorbid with something else. Sometimes it is just labeled as BP because insurance will pay for that.
I am not in the medical field at all. Just did a lot of research because I thought my ex had bipolar.
You haven't been with this guy for to long. I would also recommend taking things very slowly, and also I would recommend that you perhaps visit some websites for people who live with people with bipolar.
I don't really want you to answer any of these questions here, it was just for something for you to think about. You have been through so much already.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Once they got her meds right again, she was fine.
Have you done any research on bipolar? Is it BP1, BP2, cyclothymic, dysthymic? Any hospitalizations? Any psychosis, catatonia, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia?
Without meds was it mostly mania, depression, rapid cycling, seasonal pattern?
Also with bipolar there is a high percentage that it is comorbid with something else. Sometimes it is just labeled as BP because insurance will pay for that.
I am not in the medical field at all. Just did a lot of research because I thought my ex had bipolar.
You haven't been with this guy for to long. I would also recommend taking things very slowly, and also I would recommend that you perhaps visit some websites for people who live with people with bipolar.
I don't really want you to answer any of these questions here, it was just for something for you to think about. You have been through so much already.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
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Blossom....I have seen persons who live very normal and productive lives and I have worked in a unit where we took care of people who were brought in by the police in manic psychotic states. My husband had a sister in law that was hospitalized about twice each year for manic psychosis. Ultimately her husband divorced her and gained full custody of the children...for safety reasons.
So, you see---it can be all over the map. There are bi-polar support groups for friends and family in almost every city...usually near a hospital facility. There are some on the internet, also. You could probably learn a great deal from these groups.
But, his bi-polar is just one aspect of him. There are many other to be explored.
Like....some alcoholics are teriffic people and others are jerks...drinking or not....
Right now, you are jacked up on the feel good hormones of early attraction and bonding. Give it 2 or 3yrs. of getting to know him.......
dandylion
So, you see---it can be all over the map. There are bi-polar support groups for friends and family in almost every city...usually near a hospital facility. There are some on the internet, also. You could probably learn a great deal from these groups.
But, his bi-polar is just one aspect of him. There are many other to be explored.
Like....some alcoholics are teriffic people and others are jerks...drinking or not....
Right now, you are jacked up on the feel good hormones of early attraction and bonding. Give it 2 or 3yrs. of getting to know him.......
dandylion
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My husband in BiPolar 2. He was misdiagnosed for years as depressed and on wrong meds. So when I met him he essentially wasn't medicated. Our first live in year together was the worst-year-of-my-life.
Now he has been medicated for 4 years. He is way up on taking care of himself, never misses his meds, does things to help like exercise, stable schedule, etc. He is very up on his treatment and we rarely discuss it. His mania is insomnia which is common for BP2. Depression is not the can't get out of bed kind, rather silent and withdrawn. He has days here and there of both mania and depression, but they aren't often and really don't effect me. I prefer his depressive episodes the manic insomnia is just hard to watch him not be able to sleep. Before treatment I am not sh!tting you he would stay up for 3 - 5 days. It was awful - now every great once in a while he won't be able to sleep for a night.
Light and dark therapy really works for bipolar in fact usually the only times I see him moderately rapid cycle is during the time change.
Our life is really "normal". He is loving and affectionate, very demonstrative. An open book. He is funny and charming and a great friend and husband.
I'd say take it slow and observe. I know this is new, but in the future if things get more serious definitely do some long period spend the nights. As they say you never really know someone till you live with them.
Now he has been medicated for 4 years. He is way up on taking care of himself, never misses his meds, does things to help like exercise, stable schedule, etc. He is very up on his treatment and we rarely discuss it. His mania is insomnia which is common for BP2. Depression is not the can't get out of bed kind, rather silent and withdrawn. He has days here and there of both mania and depression, but they aren't often and really don't effect me. I prefer his depressive episodes the manic insomnia is just hard to watch him not be able to sleep. Before treatment I am not sh!tting you he would stay up for 3 - 5 days. It was awful - now every great once in a while he won't be able to sleep for a night.
Light and dark therapy really works for bipolar in fact usually the only times I see him moderately rapid cycle is during the time change.
Our life is really "normal". He is loving and affectionate, very demonstrative. An open book. He is funny and charming and a great friend and husband.
I'd say take it slow and observe. I know this is new, but in the future if things get more serious definitely do some long period spend the nights. As they say you never really know someone till you live with them.
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I have a bipolar friend. She is BP2 rapid cycle. I will say that she can go for long periods of time and be absolutely in control, take her meds, stay in counseling, have a good job. Then, for seemingly no reason, it all falls apart. She goes off her meds b/c she thinks she can handle it on her own, which leads to self medication with alcohol. She is then off the hook. It's a very hard life for her and her family. She is divorced, her husband could not handle it. She has to eat right, exercise, take her meds, and sleep for 8 solid hours a day to keep it together.
I am not trying to deter you, you asked about knowing people with bipolar, and that is my experience. I know there are lots of bipolar people out there, and on this forum, who control the bipolar, they don't let it control them, and I think that is the key.
XXX
I am not trying to deter you, you asked about knowing people with bipolar, and that is my experience. I know there are lots of bipolar people out there, and on this forum, who control the bipolar, they don't let it control them, and I think that is the key.
XXX
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