RAH wants MC
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Join Date: May 2013
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RAH wants MC
Compassionate, Kind, Funny, Intelligent -- sounds like progress right? More on this later...
A little over a week ago RAH sat down, very agitated and basically stated that he 'can't go on like this' and wants MC. I let him talk a little bit and he brought up (again) my reaction to a couple of itchy topics in the past month. I told him (again) that my reaction to how he approached the topics was due to how these conversations would happen when he was drinking. Basically it would dissolve into a lecture (that could last hours) where he would tell me how awful I was and how miserable I would make him. I get the same response to this "I have done and said terrible things in the past, but that was before I was working a program"
I get that -- I really do. And I try to temper my reaction but it hasn't been a year yet and I slip and get defensive.
I then asked him if he had been intentionally ignoring me the past couple of weeks. He said that it was indeed intentional and that was his new way to cope. He used to hit the bottle, now he pretends I don't exist. Healthy huh?
I then asked - if he can't talk to me like a normal person - how in the heck MC was going to work? He basically said if I had done MC when he wanted to, that we wouldn't be in this situation. Really -- he said that. He was an active alcoholic, but MC would have fixed everything. I asked if he remembered 'The List" - which was the things he wanted to bring up about me in MC that he wanted someone to help fix. Funny, he doesn't seem to remember that -- even though this is a topic that came up regularly.
I told him I thought he still wanted MC to 'fix' me. Ultimately, I believe that passively he still blames me for all of it...his affair, his addiction and the abuse. He knows and says the right words, but the feeling isn't there yet.
The words that started this post....I wish I could say those were the things that RAH said to me as part of his reasons for wanting MC. Sadly no. I snooped his phone when he accidentally left it open when he left the house. This was to another woman. One that he sorta worked with before his first bout with rehab - which then led to his getting laid off. Apparently, they had close to a two hour call where he must have dumped all about our marriage and she is the one that suggested he talk to me about MC. He texted and told her that I wasn't very receptive to the idea. She told him that I had stuck with him for many years when I was probably not getting what I needed (huh, ya think?) and maybe he should give me more of a chance. He responded to that by telling her his first impressions of her.
Now I a super stoked about MC.
Thanks for letting me get his off my chest -- I just needed to vent.
blue
A little over a week ago RAH sat down, very agitated and basically stated that he 'can't go on like this' and wants MC. I let him talk a little bit and he brought up (again) my reaction to a couple of itchy topics in the past month. I told him (again) that my reaction to how he approached the topics was due to how these conversations would happen when he was drinking. Basically it would dissolve into a lecture (that could last hours) where he would tell me how awful I was and how miserable I would make him. I get the same response to this "I have done and said terrible things in the past, but that was before I was working a program"
I get that -- I really do. And I try to temper my reaction but it hasn't been a year yet and I slip and get defensive.
I then asked him if he had been intentionally ignoring me the past couple of weeks. He said that it was indeed intentional and that was his new way to cope. He used to hit the bottle, now he pretends I don't exist. Healthy huh?
I then asked - if he can't talk to me like a normal person - how in the heck MC was going to work? He basically said if I had done MC when he wanted to, that we wouldn't be in this situation. Really -- he said that. He was an active alcoholic, but MC would have fixed everything. I asked if he remembered 'The List" - which was the things he wanted to bring up about me in MC that he wanted someone to help fix. Funny, he doesn't seem to remember that -- even though this is a topic that came up regularly.
I told him I thought he still wanted MC to 'fix' me. Ultimately, I believe that passively he still blames me for all of it...his affair, his addiction and the abuse. He knows and says the right words, but the feeling isn't there yet.
The words that started this post....I wish I could say those were the things that RAH said to me as part of his reasons for wanting MC. Sadly no. I snooped his phone when he accidentally left it open when he left the house. This was to another woman. One that he sorta worked with before his first bout with rehab - which then led to his getting laid off. Apparently, they had close to a two hour call where he must have dumped all about our marriage and she is the one that suggested he talk to me about MC. He texted and told her that I wasn't very receptive to the idea. She told him that I had stuck with him for many years when I was probably not getting what I needed (huh, ya think?) and maybe he should give me more of a chance. He responded to that by telling her his first impressions of her.
Now I a super stoked about MC.
Thanks for letting me get his off my chest -- I just needed to vent.
blue
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Hi Blue - I understand your post is a vent. Even so, I wanted to share a couple of thoughts with you. I read most of your past threads (not all). The two most recent ones (6/21 and 7/13) have a lot of wonderful advice. I think your answers are there.
I would be concerned with your husband's motivations for marriage counseling. To fix you? That's not too promising. Should you go that route though - please find yourself a marriage counselor that specializes in addictions. Your husband might be in for a rude awakening.
I have been in marriage counseling since mid-March. It isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, I think all we've done so far is move chairs around on the deck of the Titanic. We haven't moved forward much. Thankfully, the marriage counselor is very direct with my husband. No sugar-coating. It's been a rude awakening for him. In the meantime, I decided to wait and see what unfolds in the next six months-one year.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. Stay strong.
I would be concerned with your husband's motivations for marriage counseling. To fix you? That's not too promising. Should you go that route though - please find yourself a marriage counselor that specializes in addictions. Your husband might be in for a rude awakening.
I have been in marriage counseling since mid-March. It isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, I think all we've done so far is move chairs around on the deck of the Titanic. We haven't moved forward much. Thankfully, the marriage counselor is very direct with my husband. No sugar-coating. It's been a rude awakening for him. In the meantime, I decided to wait and see what unfolds in the next six months-one year.
Don't forget to take care of yourself. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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wow, what an absolute egocentric @ss!
if YOU think that MC is possibly a platform where YOU could finally get heard, then go for it. if you would be doing this just to placate him, then uh no. i really don't like this contact with this other woman, even tho bless her heart for recognizing YOUR efforts and suggesting MC to him. he's comparing out.....how great SHE is, what a wretch you are - IN HIS EYES - sounds a bit too much like he's trying to romance and persuade her into something.
doesn't sound like much has changed except for the alcohol going down his throat.
if YOU think that MC is possibly a platform where YOU could finally get heard, then go for it. if you would be doing this just to placate him, then uh no. i really don't like this contact with this other woman, even tho bless her heart for recognizing YOUR efforts and suggesting MC to him. he's comparing out.....how great SHE is, what a wretch you are - IN HIS EYES - sounds a bit too much like he's trying to romance and persuade her into something.
doesn't sound like much has changed except for the alcohol going down his throat.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I believe that for you to take the steps to work on the marriage, he needs to take the steps necessary to work on his issues. Getting sober is just the first step; it doesn't solve all the issues. This new coping mechanism - ignoring you - is just another negative mechanism that allows him to continue to shift blame and not take responsibility for his life and issues.
I'm not sure of the actual treatment he is getting, but I feel individual counseling is always necessary for the recovering alcoholic. Group meetings and sessions typically focus on maintaining sobriety, and honestly what is the point of that if drinking was a negative coping mechanism for a deeper problem to begin with?
Now, I'm not saying that you should use this as a bargaining chip. I can't imagine that would work, anyway. However, you need to think of your own requirements and set your own boundaries during his recovery process. His recovery process is his, and yours is yours. You don't have to (and shouldn't) bend your own recovery process to fit his demands. If you're not comfortable with MC, then you're not. It seems like you have good reason for it.
Perhaps your own IC (I'm not sure if you are in counseling right now) would be a good place for you, along with Alanon meetings, where you can find more support and better tools for your own recovery of being a spouse to a recovering alcoholic who still seems pretty stuck with his underlying issues. It would probably help you set up a few more of your own healthy boundaries so you won't be so frustrated with his recovery.
I'm not sure of the actual treatment he is getting, but I feel individual counseling is always necessary for the recovering alcoholic. Group meetings and sessions typically focus on maintaining sobriety, and honestly what is the point of that if drinking was a negative coping mechanism for a deeper problem to begin with?
Now, I'm not saying that you should use this as a bargaining chip. I can't imagine that would work, anyway. However, you need to think of your own requirements and set your own boundaries during his recovery process. His recovery process is his, and yours is yours. You don't have to (and shouldn't) bend your own recovery process to fit his demands. If you're not comfortable with MC, then you're not. It seems like you have good reason for it.
Perhaps your own IC (I'm not sure if you are in counseling right now) would be a good place for you, along with Alanon meetings, where you can find more support and better tools for your own recovery of being a spouse to a recovering alcoholic who still seems pretty stuck with his underlying issues. It would probably help you set up a few more of your own healthy boundaries so you won't be so frustrated with his recovery.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Hi all, thanks for reading my vent!
I think this is headed for divorce and I did tell him that. He doesn't seem to agree, but actions speak louder than words.
I would like for him to decide on divorce, frankly I believe if I do it then he will continually throw it in my face. That he wanted to try MC and I refused. He is being so self righteous. HE isn't going to live like this anymore. It is YEARS of dysfunction that is the cause, but he has no ability to see that drinking was a huge contributor to that dysfunction.
I was ready to kick him out before he went to rehab. Had a long term hotel that I could pay a few weeks up front. Was going to drop him off with a couple weeks worth of food -- and no car. He would have died. He chose rehab and now I am the dysfunction.
This other woman...it is funny how he can remember so well what he thought about her from 3 years ago, but can't remember yelling at me and calling me names. At that time he told me she understood him more than I ever did. Yep sure buddy. This is not the one he had an affair with -- but given some inappropriate texts I asked that he have no contact with her. She was in his phone under a man's name and he thought I couldn't figure this out. Sure she seems great, she has never had to live with him.
More later when I have some more time to read!!
Thanks for the replies.
blue
I think this is headed for divorce and I did tell him that. He doesn't seem to agree, but actions speak louder than words.
I would like for him to decide on divorce, frankly I believe if I do it then he will continually throw it in my face. That he wanted to try MC and I refused. He is being so self righteous. HE isn't going to live like this anymore. It is YEARS of dysfunction that is the cause, but he has no ability to see that drinking was a huge contributor to that dysfunction.
I was ready to kick him out before he went to rehab. Had a long term hotel that I could pay a few weeks up front. Was going to drop him off with a couple weeks worth of food -- and no car. He would have died. He chose rehab and now I am the dysfunction.
This other woman...it is funny how he can remember so well what he thought about her from 3 years ago, but can't remember yelling at me and calling me names. At that time he told me she understood him more than I ever did. Yep sure buddy. This is not the one he had an affair with -- but given some inappropriate texts I asked that he have no contact with her. She was in his phone under a man's name and he thought I couldn't figure this out. Sure she seems great, she has never had to live with him.
More later when I have some more time to read!!
Thanks for the replies.
blue
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by bluetomato 
I would like for him to decide on divorce, frankly I believe if I do it then he will continually throw it in my face. That he wanted to try MC and I refused. He is being so self righteous. HE isn't going to live like this anymore. It is YEARS of dysfunction that is the cause, but he has no ability to see that drinking was a huge contributor to that dysfunction.
I also thought this way, I think, because my AH's behavior demonstrated entirely that he did not want to be married to me anymore. I felt like I was not going to be manipulated into doing his dirty work for him (that is...I was not going to be manipulated into leaving the marriage when he was the one who wanted it to end).
Now all that matters to me is getting out and into a more peaceful and serene life. I don't care who leaves. I don't care who or what my AH chooses to blame. I don't care what he throws in my face. I just want out.
((HUGS)) again.
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Whew - that's a whole lotta blame shifting for a recovering person! Intentionally ignoring someone as a punishment is emotionally abusive, NOT a coping technique.
I have a similar mindset as anvil - if it's useful to YOU to use the MC as a platform to be heard then it's worth considering. I've actually read a lot about how MC is often a tool used to initiate divorce vs. fixing a marriage, that often people need that 3rd party audience to feel safe bringing up all the reasons they've already been done trying to fix their relationship.
It really sounds as if he is looking for a blanket apology on his side to be sufficient while you're expected to account for every detail of your "wrongdoings". I think you already did a 1-yr separation?
Honestly, it sounds like there are a lot of unresolved, heavy resentments on both sides for you guys. Do you WANT to work on your marriage?
I have a similar mindset as anvil - if it's useful to YOU to use the MC as a platform to be heard then it's worth considering. I've actually read a lot about how MC is often a tool used to initiate divorce vs. fixing a marriage, that often people need that 3rd party audience to feel safe bringing up all the reasons they've already been done trying to fix their relationship.
It really sounds as if he is looking for a blanket apology on his side to be sufficient while you're expected to account for every detail of your "wrongdoings". I think you already did a 1-yr separation?
Honestly, it sounds like there are a lot of unresolved, heavy resentments on both sides for you guys. Do you WANT to work on your marriage?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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blue,
Gotta admit, I read your post and my head was spinning. You were having a "circular conversation". It seems that no matter what you say, that he spins it all back to you. I had these so often, that it would take days for my head to clear up, and that was only as long as he ran away from home, so that I could get my head to stop spinning.
I found that while these "circular conversations" were going on, that I was doing a lot of "JADE"ing. Justify, argue, defend, explain. Whatever I said was used against me. I also know now that at no time was he ever trying for a resolution. I think at the time it was going on, that I thought he was working towards a resolution, but when I look back at it now with a clearer head, that wasn't the case. It was all to point fingers at me and what I was doing wrong.
So this is for you, and for your validation. You have every right to be upset for all the years that he treated you horribly. You have every right to be upset that he is still trying to blame you for this, because you are not doing what he says, meaning that "you should just get over it". He may have put down the bottle, but he is still putting all of the blame on you.
So now he is going to intentionally ignore you ? because that's his new coping skill???? Let's call that the "Silent Treatment". Is there any way an issue can be resolved with the "Silent Treatment"?
Thinking of you
amy
Gotta admit, I read your post and my head was spinning. You were having a "circular conversation". It seems that no matter what you say, that he spins it all back to you. I had these so often, that it would take days for my head to clear up, and that was only as long as he ran away from home, so that I could get my head to stop spinning.
I found that while these "circular conversations" were going on, that I was doing a lot of "JADE"ing. Justify, argue, defend, explain. Whatever I said was used against me. I also know now that at no time was he ever trying for a resolution. I think at the time it was going on, that I thought he was working towards a resolution, but when I look back at it now with a clearer head, that wasn't the case. It was all to point fingers at me and what I was doing wrong.
So this is for you, and for your validation. You have every right to be upset for all the years that he treated you horribly. You have every right to be upset that he is still trying to blame you for this, because you are not doing what he says, meaning that "you should just get over it". He may have put down the bottle, but he is still putting all of the blame on you.
So now he is going to intentionally ignore you ? because that's his new coping skill???? Let's call that the "Silent Treatment". Is there any way an issue can be resolved with the "Silent Treatment"?
Thinking of you
amy
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Amy -- I can't tell you how many times I told RAH that all arguments with him were circular. JADE is exactly what I do in response. Then I stopped doing that and started agreeing with him and boom -- that was a whole other set of issues.
Firesprite - I completely agree - there is no better way to make someone feel absolutely worthless than to ignore them. Especially when they are in the same room as you are and are having spirited conversations with other people. Then he gets chapped when there is something I didn't tell him. Umm...you aren't speaking to me, how the heck am I going to tell you anything! We haven't been separated, but effectively we are now since I refused to do any MC while he is in his first year of recovery. Frankly, I didn't think he would make it a year.
minime13 - he is supposed to start IC here shortly. I do like his counselor, and I am sure when she gets into the stuff other than sobriety, it will not be fun. I told him for years that he needed to 'fix himself' before we could do MC. He told me last week, that he refuses that and it is MC or nothing. He has a lot of issues to work through and when one of them came up during rehab his counselor asked me why I thought he did this. She basically told me I hit the nail on the head. He was shocked, and this was something minor. Imagine when we get to the big stuff.
I guess I feel like such a fool. I really truly thought that his selfish-ness and passive agressive-ness was the alcohol talking. Now, I am finding out that it is his personality.
I really don't think this relationship will make it. I would like to be able to get out of this in the least stressful manner possible and maybe that is through MC. He blames me so much now, imagine if I file -- I fear a war. I don't want a war, I want fair.
thanks for all the food for thought
blue
Firesprite - I completely agree - there is no better way to make someone feel absolutely worthless than to ignore them. Especially when they are in the same room as you are and are having spirited conversations with other people. Then he gets chapped when there is something I didn't tell him. Umm...you aren't speaking to me, how the heck am I going to tell you anything! We haven't been separated, but effectively we are now since I refused to do any MC while he is in his first year of recovery. Frankly, I didn't think he would make it a year.
minime13 - he is supposed to start IC here shortly. I do like his counselor, and I am sure when she gets into the stuff other than sobriety, it will not be fun. I told him for years that he needed to 'fix himself' before we could do MC. He told me last week, that he refuses that and it is MC or nothing. He has a lot of issues to work through and when one of them came up during rehab his counselor asked me why I thought he did this. She basically told me I hit the nail on the head. He was shocked, and this was something minor. Imagine when we get to the big stuff.
I guess I feel like such a fool. I really truly thought that his selfish-ness and passive agressive-ness was the alcohol talking. Now, I am finding out that it is his personality.
I really don't think this relationship will make it. I would like to be able to get out of this in the least stressful manner possible and maybe that is through MC. He blames me so much now, imagine if I file -- I fear a war. I don't want a war, I want fair.
thanks for all the food for thought
blue
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i understand the desire for a "fair" and somewhat "painless" divorce, but snookums you are not dealing with a fair and just adversary. he doesn't play by any rules excepts HIS OWN. you are already singled out as the enemy, the reason for every bad thing HE ever did. i see all too many times the non-addict partner try so hard to take the high road, to play nice, to avoid any fuss, and almost every stinkin' time they get HOSED.
just words of caution, i trust that you will know which are the right steps for YOU to take.
and can i have just one whack at the jackass?????
there, much better.
just words of caution, i trust that you will know which are the right steps for YOU to take.
and can i have just one whack at the jackass?????
there, much better.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ I second what anvil said-expect the worst when divircing an addict - they will try their best to ruin you bc they fear their behavior coming to light. The truth wins, every time. Don't be scared of his threats (there will be many if you divorce) and don't expect him to act like a nice or rational person. Ask me how I know! Peace to you, whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
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Originally Posted by bluetomato
minime13 - he is supposed to start IC here shortly. I do like his counselor, and I am sure when she gets into the stuff other than sobriety, it will not be fun. I told him for years that he needed to 'fix himself' before we could do MC. He told me last week, that he refuses that and it is MC or nothing. He has a lot of issues to work through and when one of them came up during rehab his counselor asked me why I thought he did this. She basically told me I hit the nail on the head. He was shocked, and this was something minor. Imagine when we get to the big stuff.
I guess I feel like such a fool. I really truly thought that his selfish-ness and passive agressive-ness was the alcohol talking. Now, I am finding out that it is his personality.
IC may help him become a more stable person, but it depends on his take to it, and it depends on how receptive he is to it. Basically, it's still up to him to change his life, but he will have a counselor to help guide him through his issues. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's hesitant to face this, since he wants to simply skip to the MC (and, most likely, manipulate a way to point the fingers at you). Or, at the very least, have a 2nd party there to take some of the blame. IC is probably frightening, because it is focused on him, and it means that he'll have to take some responsibility.
Basically, it's up to him to continue on, but it's also up to you whether you want to continue waiting it out. If you feel the marriage is over, and you feel this will be a catalyst for divorce (and you're in favor of it), then maybe you should. But if you are already there, then you don't have to even take the step to go to MC - especially since it will be going back on your own requirements that he get IC first. Either way, you'll have already lost if you allow that step to be skipped.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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blue,
I did get mine to file for the divorce. I felt I needed to do that so that he wouldn't hoover me anymore. I wanted his pride to stop him from "hoovering" me.
My ex used to "run away from home". Sometimes disappearing for months at a time. So I finally left him. To tell the truth, I thought that he would realize that he loved me. Wrong........... He told me he was divorcing me because how can you have a relationship when you aren't living together. (eyeroll here).
He called me about 2 weeks after I left. I answered the phone. All he said was I missed you, until I heard your voice, then he hung up on me. Nothing else was said.
Idk, you seemed to understand the convoluted "circular conversation", as if it was a normal part of life. Some people may have a problem understanding that. It's not a normal conversation, but you understood what I was talking about.
I'll ask you straight out..... Did you ever explore or think that you are in an abusive relationship, and that alcohol didn't have that much to do with it. I mean of course, they are more abusive when drunk, but ......???????
Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells, and in a way, that's why you don't JADE anymore, you just know it won't work anyway,, and you just want to get away as quickly as possible?
I just want you to know that you do have a lot of support on this forum. I can be completely wrong, but the good thing about this forum is that there are many people here going through many things, and sometimes things just hit you, kinda like, yep, that's my life.
About MC, only if you feel strong enough. Most MC's want to do 50/50 in the blame area. I was beaten up in one of the ones I went to, and in the other 2, they fired my ex as a client, and they were only willing to work with me, during my divorce. I had never mentioned divorce.
My ex's take on that was that he was healthy, and I was mentally ill.
Here for you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I did get mine to file for the divorce. I felt I needed to do that so that he wouldn't hoover me anymore. I wanted his pride to stop him from "hoovering" me.
My ex used to "run away from home". Sometimes disappearing for months at a time. So I finally left him. To tell the truth, I thought that he would realize that he loved me. Wrong........... He told me he was divorcing me because how can you have a relationship when you aren't living together. (eyeroll here).
He called me about 2 weeks after I left. I answered the phone. All he said was I missed you, until I heard your voice, then he hung up on me. Nothing else was said.
Idk, you seemed to understand the convoluted "circular conversation", as if it was a normal part of life. Some people may have a problem understanding that. It's not a normal conversation, but you understood what I was talking about.
I'll ask you straight out..... Did you ever explore or think that you are in an abusive relationship, and that alcohol didn't have that much to do with it. I mean of course, they are more abusive when drunk, but ......???????
Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells, and in a way, that's why you don't JADE anymore, you just know it won't work anyway,, and you just want to get away as quickly as possible?
I just want you to know that you do have a lot of support on this forum. I can be completely wrong, but the good thing about this forum is that there are many people here going through many things, and sometimes things just hit you, kinda like, yep, that's my life.
About MC, only if you feel strong enough. Most MC's want to do 50/50 in the blame area. I was beaten up in one of the ones I went to, and in the other 2, they fired my ex as a client, and they were only willing to work with me, during my divorce. I had never mentioned divorce.
My ex's take on that was that he was healthy, and I was mentally ill.
Here for you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I dunno. I think maybe marriage counseling might be a good idea. You are checked out of the marriage and hoping he will ask for divorce (btw who cares if he would say its happening because of you when you divorce you don't have to hear his ramblings anymore).
I say its a good idea because most of the marriage counselors I have known say that half or more of their clients in are coming in to figure out how to say goodbye. MC doesn't have to be about keeping things together it can clarify that they need to be apart.
I say its a good idea because most of the marriage counselors I have known say that half or more of their clients in are coming in to figure out how to say goodbye. MC doesn't have to be about keeping things together it can clarify that they need to be apart.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Blue
I did mc with my stbxah and it was all about how to fix me. Sadly I was not heard and mc did not work. As for getting a divorce I am 6-8 week left before mine is final. (I filed) Advil is right they do get real nasty.
If anything wait 1 year sobriety before attempting mc.
Best of luck
Cricket
I did mc with my stbxah and it was all about how to fix me. Sadly I was not heard and mc did not work. As for getting a divorce I am 6-8 week left before mine is final. (I filed) Advil is right they do get real nasty.
If anything wait 1 year sobriety before attempting mc.
Best of luck
Cricket
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Blue, a couple of things about MC. One is that if your counsellor lets it be all about him complaining or punishing you, then he/she isn't a good counsellor. Many couples come into MC with their own agendas, and get a big shock. That's why MC is better than arguing; the counsellor is there to keep it on track.
If your reason for not going is because you think he'll get to dump on you, well I don't think this will happen.
Another point of MC is that it can lead to both parties realising they would be better off apart, but with more goodwill than would otherwise apply, because they've come to that conclusion together.
If you can't stand the thought of MC, maybe you'd be better off admitting the marriage is over. Initiating it yourself can give you power, not in a nasty way, but positive action in the direction you need has to be constructive for you.
Without MC, it doesn't look like you have any future together. Not saying you should go, but if you refuse, what's your plan?
If your reason for not going is because you think he'll get to dump on you, well I don't think this will happen.
Another point of MC is that it can lead to both parties realising they would be better off apart, but with more goodwill than would otherwise apply, because they've come to that conclusion together.
If you can't stand the thought of MC, maybe you'd be better off admitting the marriage is over. Initiating it yourself can give you power, not in a nasty way, but positive action in the direction you need has to be constructive for you.
Without MC, it doesn't look like you have any future together. Not saying you should go, but if you refuse, what's your plan?
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
All - I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do. I think I have a lot of options and any way this works out -- I will be OK.
I have a lot of travel coming up with my job -- so I am going to suggest that he finish his IC (he has a set number of sessions that is included with this deal) and then after my travel has died down, then we can go to MC.
This will buy me some time. I would really like to stay here without disruption for long enough for our child to graduate high school. I think we owe it to her to let her concentrate and get the best she can out of her last remaining months of school. She needs this. I am willing to her above myself so she can get to where she wants to be. Now, what RAH is willing to do is a whole other issue.
He is out of his ignoring phase, probably because DD is around now. But it is makes things more tolerable. I now understand that what he is doing is wrong, helps me to no end.
I am going to work on the eggshells. I don't have to walk on them or around them. I can call him on the table for the bad behavior. I am not responsible for his sobriety. The three C's are in my head and I need to remind myself on a daily basis of what they mean.
Thank you all for your help in this, I really appreciate all of the different perspectives and real life examples. It really does help shape my thoughts and plans to know what other people have gone through.
Blue
I have a lot of travel coming up with my job -- so I am going to suggest that he finish his IC (he has a set number of sessions that is included with this deal) and then after my travel has died down, then we can go to MC.
This will buy me some time. I would really like to stay here without disruption for long enough for our child to graduate high school. I think we owe it to her to let her concentrate and get the best she can out of her last remaining months of school. She needs this. I am willing to her above myself so she can get to where she wants to be. Now, what RAH is willing to do is a whole other issue.
He is out of his ignoring phase, probably because DD is around now. But it is makes things more tolerable. I now understand that what he is doing is wrong, helps me to no end.
I am going to work on the eggshells. I don't have to walk on them or around them. I can call him on the table for the bad behavior. I am not responsible for his sobriety. The three C's are in my head and I need to remind myself on a daily basis of what they mean.
Thank you all for your help in this, I really appreciate all of the different perspectives and real life examples. It really does help shape my thoughts and plans to know what other people have gone through.
Blue
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