changing my phone number???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 38
changing my phone number???
So my mom calls me constantly in belligerent rants (she lives in a different state) and my husband is frustrated because when she calls I just let her scream, and then I have a panic attack. He's tired of picking up the pieces. I want to change my number, here's the problem....my dad has pancreatic cancer and the only way I can talk to him is through my mother!!! Both my sisters are heroin addicts, and she expects me to be the mom. (I have been since I was little) ohhhh what to do????? I need her out of my life
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Sister3 - that's a tough one to go around .Is there a way you can be in contact, with his Dr. for updates ? Than just tell your Mom , you will call only when you decide to . That way you won't have to answer the phone every time .
Don't know if it's possible , but that's about all I can think of .
Don't know if it's possible , but that's about all I can think of .
30 Days & Under Club
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: The Southeast, USA
Posts: 828
What about not answering the call?? If it's really important (e.g. your dad), I'm assuming she'll leave a vmail.
Does your dad have email? If so, maybe you can send him an email saying "Call me" when you'd like to speak with him. Or, you can send him a pre-paid phone--those are pretty cheap.
Whatever you do, please do not let her continue to treat you the way she does (or let her actions force you into changing your number, as I'm sure she'll end up with your new number sooner or later if you don't take a stance). That said, she acts that way because you let her. Put your foot down, so to speak, and stop answering her calls; at least for a while. Also, if I were you, I'd set her ringtone to silent.
((((Speaking from experience))))
Does your dad have email? If so, maybe you can send him an email saying "Call me" when you'd like to speak with him. Or, you can send him a pre-paid phone--those are pretty cheap.
Whatever you do, please do not let her continue to treat you the way she does (or let her actions force you into changing your number, as I'm sure she'll end up with your new number sooner or later if you don't take a stance). That said, she acts that way because you let her. Put your foot down, so to speak, and stop answering her calls; at least for a while. Also, if I were you, I'd set her ringtone to silent.
((((Speaking from experience))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
For every action there is a re-action. I don’t think changing your phone # is the answer as much as changing your own reactions to her calls.
As it was suggested, don’t answer her calls or if you do answer and she begins her rants then simple say” I will not tolerate this and hang up” and don’t answer on her call back. Turn off your ringer if need be.
We really do teach people how to treat us and now you both need to learn new lessons. You need to stand up for yourself and your mental health by stopping her rants at the start. She needs to learn that you mean it and her tactics will no longer get the reactions she is familiar with.
As it was suggested, don’t answer her calls or if you do answer and she begins her rants then simple say” I will not tolerate this and hang up” and don’t answer on her call back. Turn off your ringer if need be.
We really do teach people how to treat us and now you both need to learn new lessons. You need to stand up for yourself and your mental health by stopping her rants at the start. She needs to learn that you mean it and her tactics will no longer get the reactions she is familiar with.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Changing your phone number might be a successful short-term solution to your problem, but defining your boundaries and upholding them is a guaranteed long-term solution, for this and any other unhealthy behavior you encounter in the future.
"Mom, I understand that you are upset and hurting, but being screamed at causes me to have panic attacks later on. If you want to talk about something else, I am here for you. If you want to talk about this, you will need to find someone else to listen."
Saying it is one thing, hanging up when she crosses this boundary (and she will, she won't like it one bit) is another. The good thing is, it gets easier with practice.
"Mom, I understand that you are upset and hurting, but being screamed at causes me to have panic attacks later on. If you want to talk about something else, I am here for you. If you want to talk about this, you will need to find someone else to listen."
Saying it is one thing, hanging up when she crosses this boundary (and she will, she won't like it one bit) is another. The good thing is, it gets easier with practice.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I've thought of using Google voice before.
https://support.google.com/voice/answer/115061?hl=en
The more separation I get from my triggers along with increasing the work I'm doing on recovery from the Family Disease of Alcoholism, taking small new actions are helping me to heal.
Alanon meetings, literature, having a sponsor and doing the steps is saving my life. With some space to think more clearly and experience, strength & hope from others, I'm starting to wake up and live again. Just a bit of what's helping me. Take what helps and store the rest.
Good luck in finding your way through this very different time with your parents.
https://support.google.com/voice/answer/115061?hl=en
The more separation I get from my triggers along with increasing the work I'm doing on recovery from the Family Disease of Alcoholism, taking small new actions are helping me to heal.
Alanon meetings, literature, having a sponsor and doing the steps is saving my life. With some space to think more clearly and experience, strength & hope from others, I'm starting to wake up and live again. Just a bit of what's helping me. Take what helps and store the rest.
Good luck in finding your way through this very different time with your parents.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Sister, you need to put your family and husband ahead of a dysfunctional mother. I assume she's under the influence when she calls?
It's entirely reasonable to cut off the phone call if she is drunk dialling. You don't hang up, you say something along the lines of 'Mom there's no point in talking unless you're sober - I'm going to put the phone down now; goodbye.' Once this has happened a few times she will get the message. If she calls back, get your husband to answer.
As for your father; can you call him at certain times when he can answer the phone? Or get him to call you? Possibly your husband can make the call and hand over once your father is on the line.
Don't give up right away as your AM is likely to become more outrageous until she gets the message. Try to hold the line until she does.
It's entirely reasonable to cut off the phone call if she is drunk dialling. You don't hang up, you say something along the lines of 'Mom there's no point in talking unless you're sober - I'm going to put the phone down now; goodbye.' Once this has happened a few times she will get the message. If she calls back, get your husband to answer.
As for your father; can you call him at certain times when he can answer the phone? Or get him to call you? Possibly your husband can make the call and hand over once your father is on the line.
Don't give up right away as your AM is likely to become more outrageous until she gets the message. Try to hold the line until she does.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
My mother did this to me for years--what worked for me was telling her I wouldn't speak to her drunk,
hanging up with no discussion when she drunk dialed, and shutting off the phone for hours if she kept calling back.
Verbal abuse is soul-draining and you and your family deserve better.
hanging up with no discussion when she drunk dialed, and shutting off the phone for hours if she kept calling back.
Verbal abuse is soul-draining and you and your family deserve better.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
My husband doesn't rant or get loud, yet the dysfunction is still there. The more aware I became of the abuse, and learned in little ways to do new daily actions that built up my self-esteem, one day he started in on something while we were talking on the phone and I told him I didn't deserve that, that I'm not going to listen to it and I'd talk to him the next day. (my summer job is in a different location) He told me not to hang up on him; I repeated myself, said goodbye, said he could leave a voice mail if wanted to. I hung up and walked away. I didn't know I had that capability and it took me a lot of self-work to get to that point.
I was so used to the subtle manipulation and abuse, I first needed to get to the point where I was able to deal with it, in my own time, in a way that worked for me. For a while before that I had tried asking, manipulating, not answering the phone, etc. Those things helped give me some space, and my sponsor was able to share some great viewpoints I couldn't see in my all or nothing thinking. I was able to add "with love" to detaching in healthy ways for both of us. As my actions changed, his reactions started to change. This part may be better or worse at different times, so I was very grateful for having slowly gathered a support group around me who had the tools I wanted to gain.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I was so used to the subtle manipulation and abuse, I first needed to get to the point where I was able to deal with it, in my own time, in a way that worked for me. For a while before that I had tried asking, manipulating, not answering the phone, etc. Those things helped give me some space, and my sponsor was able to share some great viewpoints I couldn't see in my all or nothing thinking. I was able to add "with love" to detaching in healthy ways for both of us. As my actions changed, his reactions started to change. This part may be better or worse at different times, so I was very grateful for having slowly gathered a support group around me who had the tools I wanted to gain.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
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