pathetic boozehound self destructs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
pathetic boozehound self destructs
Hi,
I've wanted to write something on a forum like this for quite a long time, though I never did get around to it because I have tried to deal with my issues singlehandedly over the years, or at least to contend with them in a manner that didn't involve therapy, group activities, or any of the other things which I've learned to label as somehow weak or shameful. That having been said, I'm pushing 30 nowadays and the only things that have been fairly consistent and reliable about me have been my vices. That is, my drinking habits, emotional issues, and explosive, emotionally manipulative personality.
I first started to drink when I was in my teens, somewhere around the age of 15 or 16. I could go into extravagant detail about my childhood, but really it would be a sob story, and I am sure that it would not compare to the awful things many people have endured and continue to endure on a daily basis. The long and short of it is that I have been a textbook alcoholic for many years, having an addictive and impulsive personality, as well as a lot of suppressed aggression which I have learned to vent by - you guessed it - taking part in a number of escapist behaviors. Also, sadly, I have become an abusive and bitter person, and I frequently blame my problems on the women in my life. I've had the great fortune to charm, date, and even live with a handful of very bright and beautiful women, but the pattern has been the same with each of them; I somehow go from being a very charming, kind and poetic man, to inexplicably transforming into a mean piece of ****. It goes without saying that I have some narcissistic personality issues and I am also extremely erratic, both at work and at home. I have a tendency to attract women who somehow accept my nasty flaws and try to bring out the good in me, although it doesn't work and I usually feel guilty because none of them have been around to see the pattern unfold with any of the ones who came before.
Throughout all of this, the strongest relationship in my life has been with a bottle of bourbon. Or vodka, or beer, or whatever. When I was at my absolutely worst, I drank about one 750ml bottle of bourbon a day, a phase which lasted about 6 or 7 months when there were a lot of seriously trying and emotionally devastating things going on with my family and with a person whom I loved a great deal. That was about 5 years ago.
At present, I have reached a tolerance where I don't get really drunk anymore. At least not sloppy, stumbling drunk; I just become very mean and off-handedly sadistic, sort of like the stereotypical satyr, demon, or nasty curmudgeon who lives in a garbage can.
There have been a handful of times in my life where I have sincerely tried to stop drinking. Through my own efforts, I have managed to last
a few months at a time. There was a period where I was placed on probation for something unrelated, but due to the constrictions of the probation I was forced to remain alcohol-free for 1 year, which I managed to do successfully and without cheating. I am not addicted to alcohol in the strictest sense, I am just an *******, really, and I won't control myself unless I am being forced. This is something I have thought about many times, as well as discussing with a couple of people. In spite of my awareness, I can't seem to get myself in gear.
It should come as no surprise that I am writing this while drunk. I am not quite sure what to do anymore, because it is pretty obvious to me that I have a real problem and it goes much deeper than just being a drunk. I think that the issue is complicated because I am also very smart and I have issues with authority, so I tend to refuse people's advice, or to do the opposite of what they tell me, even when I can logically see that doing so is self destructive or even masochistic. My life has been a series of self destructive mistakes which have done nothing but make it impossible for me to have a nice home, loving partner, friends, family, or even a pet. I basically live in a self-absorbed bubble where nothing matters except for myself, my ideas, and my emotions. When I connect with people, it is not sincerely, but instead I memorize them like objects and use them to feel better about myself. When I am nice to someone I am doing it because I remind myself that I should do it; the kindness does not come from within, but through guilt.
In spite of the way I am describing myself as a blatant, inconsiderate narcissist, I have the ability to love and care for people very deeply. I have done things for my family and friends that go above and beyond in many ways. The difference is that I will only truly love people whom I have known for a long time, but if I meet someone new then I can't connect with them. It is strange, to say the least, that I am somehow a walking contradiction of love and hatred, all pickled in booze. So yeah, that's my story, or at least part of it. I am here because I realize that I have a problem, and if I don't do something about it then I will lead a life of miserable solitude (although it will be short, thankfully, because I will destroy my body long before modern medicine can do anything to fix it).
Thanks
I've wanted to write something on a forum like this for quite a long time, though I never did get around to it because I have tried to deal with my issues singlehandedly over the years, or at least to contend with them in a manner that didn't involve therapy, group activities, or any of the other things which I've learned to label as somehow weak or shameful. That having been said, I'm pushing 30 nowadays and the only things that have been fairly consistent and reliable about me have been my vices. That is, my drinking habits, emotional issues, and explosive, emotionally manipulative personality.
I first started to drink when I was in my teens, somewhere around the age of 15 or 16. I could go into extravagant detail about my childhood, but really it would be a sob story, and I am sure that it would not compare to the awful things many people have endured and continue to endure on a daily basis. The long and short of it is that I have been a textbook alcoholic for many years, having an addictive and impulsive personality, as well as a lot of suppressed aggression which I have learned to vent by - you guessed it - taking part in a number of escapist behaviors. Also, sadly, I have become an abusive and bitter person, and I frequently blame my problems on the women in my life. I've had the great fortune to charm, date, and even live with a handful of very bright and beautiful women, but the pattern has been the same with each of them; I somehow go from being a very charming, kind and poetic man, to inexplicably transforming into a mean piece of ****. It goes without saying that I have some narcissistic personality issues and I am also extremely erratic, both at work and at home. I have a tendency to attract women who somehow accept my nasty flaws and try to bring out the good in me, although it doesn't work and I usually feel guilty because none of them have been around to see the pattern unfold with any of the ones who came before.
Throughout all of this, the strongest relationship in my life has been with a bottle of bourbon. Or vodka, or beer, or whatever. When I was at my absolutely worst, I drank about one 750ml bottle of bourbon a day, a phase which lasted about 6 or 7 months when there were a lot of seriously trying and emotionally devastating things going on with my family and with a person whom I loved a great deal. That was about 5 years ago.
At present, I have reached a tolerance where I don't get really drunk anymore. At least not sloppy, stumbling drunk; I just become very mean and off-handedly sadistic, sort of like the stereotypical satyr, demon, or nasty curmudgeon who lives in a garbage can.
There have been a handful of times in my life where I have sincerely tried to stop drinking. Through my own efforts, I have managed to last
a few months at a time. There was a period where I was placed on probation for something unrelated, but due to the constrictions of the probation I was forced to remain alcohol-free for 1 year, which I managed to do successfully and without cheating. I am not addicted to alcohol in the strictest sense, I am just an *******, really, and I won't control myself unless I am being forced. This is something I have thought about many times, as well as discussing with a couple of people. In spite of my awareness, I can't seem to get myself in gear.
It should come as no surprise that I am writing this while drunk. I am not quite sure what to do anymore, because it is pretty obvious to me that I have a real problem and it goes much deeper than just being a drunk. I think that the issue is complicated because I am also very smart and I have issues with authority, so I tend to refuse people's advice, or to do the opposite of what they tell me, even when I can logically see that doing so is self destructive or even masochistic. My life has been a series of self destructive mistakes which have done nothing but make it impossible for me to have a nice home, loving partner, friends, family, or even a pet. I basically live in a self-absorbed bubble where nothing matters except for myself, my ideas, and my emotions. When I connect with people, it is not sincerely, but instead I memorize them like objects and use them to feel better about myself. When I am nice to someone I am doing it because I remind myself that I should do it; the kindness does not come from within, but through guilt.
In spite of the way I am describing myself as a blatant, inconsiderate narcissist, I have the ability to love and care for people very deeply. I have done things for my family and friends that go above and beyond in many ways. The difference is that I will only truly love people whom I have known for a long time, but if I meet someone new then I can't connect with them. It is strange, to say the least, that I am somehow a walking contradiction of love and hatred, all pickled in booze. So yeah, that's my story, or at least part of it. I am here because I realize that I have a problem, and if I don't do something about it then I will lead a life of miserable solitude (although it will be short, thankfully, because I will destroy my body long before modern medicine can do anything to fix it).
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Welcome to SR x You mentioned you were drunk whilst writing this post, come back again tomorrow morning and re read what you have wrote, you may find it very insightful with your relationship with the booze. Its good that you recognise you have a problem and thats half the battle won. Please come back SR there is a ton of people here who want to support you if you choose to quit drinking. X x x x
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR issnheer and thanks for sharing your story. Believe it or not it's very common one and there are a lot of people here that understand - because many of us have been exactly where you are or worse. The details are slightly different of course, but the overall theme is the same.....or lives and minds are suffering because of our addiction.
The hardest part of getting out of the cycle is admitting our problem and that we cannot get better alone. The silver lining is that it is a choice we ( you included ) can make. It will take time and hard work, and you won't like some of the things you need to do. But it is worth it. I'd also echo the comment of another poster to come back and read this sober if you can. Send yourself a message to do so tonight in case you don't remember writing this tomorrow.
The hardest part of getting out of the cycle is admitting our problem and that we cannot get better alone. The silver lining is that it is a choice we ( you included ) can make. It will take time and hard work, and you won't like some of the things you need to do. But it is worth it. I'd also echo the comment of another poster to come back and read this sober if you can. Send yourself a message to do so tonight in case you don't remember writing this tomorrow.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Welcome Issnheer , I've only been here for a couple weeks . I have heard a lot of people tell their stories . Yours sticks out to me the most . Not sure why , maybe cause your right to the point ... Know yourself very well .
When I was drinking heavy I lost myself - didn't know who or what I was
You have a good start on what you need to work on .
This is a very nice place with lots of friendly , helpful people .
Do you have any plans made on how your going to get Sober ?
When I was drinking heavy I lost myself - didn't know who or what I was
You have a good start on what you need to work on .
This is a very nice place with lots of friendly , helpful people .
Do you have any plans made on how your going to get Sober ?
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Hi there
Well written post.....
I'm not a narcissist but have often behaved like one when drinking.
Your understanding of your behavior almost removes you from candidacy for clinical narcissistic behavior... but it is sort of a moot point.
We all have issues and those issues rarely respond well to alcoholic consumption.
As suggested by Blueberry, sober up tomorrow and read what you wrote today.
There is clearly a lot going on and your self awareness is a great start.
For many of us the self loathing from drinking and subsequequently not realizing our true potential leads to the nasty and manipulative behavior you describe.
Getting rid of the booze will clear your mind to deal with the rest of your life.
Your almost 30? So much time to become a person you can be proud of.
Please stay in touch.
Nonathan
Well written post.....
I'm not a narcissist but have often behaved like one when drinking.
Your understanding of your behavior almost removes you from candidacy for clinical narcissistic behavior... but it is sort of a moot point.
We all have issues and those issues rarely respond well to alcoholic consumption.
As suggested by Blueberry, sober up tomorrow and read what you wrote today.
There is clearly a lot going on and your self awareness is a great start.
For many of us the self loathing from drinking and subsequequently not realizing our true potential leads to the nasty and manipulative behavior you describe.
Getting rid of the booze will clear your mind to deal with the rest of your life.
Your almost 30? So much time to become a person you can be proud of.
Please stay in touch.
Nonathan
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Welcome. A few items you've said:
And then:
You sure about that?
I've been there too, man, and it hurts to face it. Nobody wants to admit they are addicted to alcohol....especially those of us with an intellect still intact. There's a lot to react to in your post, but the most important reaction to share is that you gotta put down the drink. First and foremost. You can sort through the rest as you go. It's hard to face, but you gotta rip off this band-aid and start tomorrow, as soon as you wake up. Stay sober on Tuesday, that's your goal. Come back tomorrow, same time, same place, and tell us how you're doing. We'll be around to support you buddy.
- I've wanted to write something on a forum like this for quite a long time
- I first started to drink when I was in my teens, somewhere around the age of 15 or 16.
- The strongest relationship in my life has been with a bottle of bourbon.
- I drank about one 750ml bottle of bourbon a day, a phase which lasted about 6 or 7 months.
- At present, I have reached a tolerance where I don't get really drunk anymore.
And then:
- I am not addicted to alcohol in the strictest sense
You sure about that?
I've been there too, man, and it hurts to face it. Nobody wants to admit they are addicted to alcohol....especially those of us with an intellect still intact. There's a lot to react to in your post, but the most important reaction to share is that you gotta put down the drink. First and foremost. You can sort through the rest as you go. It's hard to face, but you gotta rip off this band-aid and start tomorrow, as soon as you wake up. Stay sober on Tuesday, that's your goal. Come back tomorrow, same time, same place, and tell us how you're doing. We'll be around to support you buddy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Your story sounds similar to mine, or at least similar at one point in time.
Sadly I got worse - much worse - so you're wise to reach out for help now.
SR saved my life and helped me turn my life around. It's a great place to be - there's a lot of support (and hope) here
welcome
D
Sadly I got worse - much worse - so you're wise to reach out for help now.
SR saved my life and helped me turn my life around. It's a great place to be - there's a lot of support (and hope) here
welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
For me the penny dropped when I realised I couldn't do it on my own, the reason being I had more than an urge to drink, it was an addiction.
The flaw in my thinking was I could beat my own addiction in isolation, instead I needed something outside of myself, something to give me a second opinion on things, something to keep me focused on the task at hand!!
For me the penny dropped when I realised I couldn't do it on my own, the reason being I had more than an urge to drink, it was an addiction.
The flaw in my thinking was I could beat my own addiction in isolation, instead I needed something outside of myself, something to give me a second opinion on things, something to keep me focused on the task at hand!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
Thanks each of you for the supportive words and advice. I thought about having a look at this thread several times today, but I was afraid. It is typical of me to say, do, or write something really offensive and unforgivable, then wake up the next morning unable to remember much of it, only to have a small knot of dread in my stomach. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I came home tonight and had no desire to drink. One could argue that it is just because there's nothing left to drink in the house, but the fact remains that I had no urge to stop off and buy something on my way home. Please do not congratulate me or tell me "good job," because it will probably have a negative effect. It's going to be a long and miserable journey to clean myself up and become an acceptable, well-adjusted person. Much of my life is a facade; I have a very good job and a lot of things going for me, but I have isolated myself from all but a handful of people, most of whom live far away, because I prefer to be alone, and furthermore is makes it easier than to reveal my problems to so many people.
I look forward to being part of this group. I hope that we can learn from each other and help one another.
I look forward to being part of this group. I hope that we can learn from each other and help one another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
It has been a little more than one week since my last drink. I don't think this is cause for a celebration, really. I know myself pretty well; once I can measure things in terms of months, I will be pleased and know that I am actually making an active change. Six months seems to me a good benchmark.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by lssnheer 
It has been a little more than one week since my last drink. I don't think this is cause for a celebration, really. I know myself pretty well; once I can measure things in terms of months, I will be pleased and know that I am actually making an active change. Six months seems to me a good benchmark.
Find joy and satisfaction in sobriety - each and every sober day, Issnheer; it will make the time pass more quickly and you will find yourself embracing a future of the same.
Congratulations on a week of sobriety; well done.
Quality time will come once the renovations are complete.
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