Standing at the same crossroads
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Standing at the same crossroads
Hello everyone. I'm not totally new to this site but I could not remember my login information so I've created a new user id. It has still been quite a long time since I've been here.
Right now I'm standing at that same crossroads that I've stood at so many times before. I realize that I've been in denial for a very long time, and so much has suffered for it. My health is truly suffering and I'm at the point at which I know I have to accept that I must give up alcohol or it really will kill me, and probably ruin my life long before that.
I'm a very high functioning drunk, but the downward spiral continues and my body and spirit are both suffering. Alcohol is robbing me of my health and my dignity and if I do not get my recovery working (and work my recovery sincerely) it will rob me of everything I am working for and everything I hold dear.
I have tried various programs but for one reason or another they have seemed to not be for me. Maybe that's just wrong and maybe it's time to try again. I don't know.
Today is my first day, once again. I have just about made it through an entire day without a drink. Good for me. Thanks for letting me share.
Right now I'm standing at that same crossroads that I've stood at so many times before. I realize that I've been in denial for a very long time, and so much has suffered for it. My health is truly suffering and I'm at the point at which I know I have to accept that I must give up alcohol or it really will kill me, and probably ruin my life long before that.
I'm a very high functioning drunk, but the downward spiral continues and my body and spirit are both suffering. Alcohol is robbing me of my health and my dignity and if I do not get my recovery working (and work my recovery sincerely) it will rob me of everything I am working for and everything I hold dear.
I have tried various programs but for one reason or another they have seemed to not be for me. Maybe that's just wrong and maybe it's time to try again. I don't know.
Today is my first day, once again. I have just about made it through an entire day without a drink. Good for me. Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello Retread ...
In the movie 'Island of Dr Moreau' the subjects have a saying - "He who kills goes back to the House of Pain" ...
In drinking (Alcoholism as described in the Big Book of AA) anytime we drink we go back to Step 1, along with the Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization.
However, Step 1 is a wonderful place ... it is the place of SURRENDER, then the start of the Steps to the MIRACLE of FREEDOM ... If they are worked thru, and then continued with the Daily Steps 10, 11, 12.
I am not talkin about the hangers-on definition of AA - Just Don't Drink and Go To Meetings - that has gotten many people sober, but generally does not bring us into THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IN THE 4Tth DIMENSION OF FREEDOM.
Work The Steps ... preferably with a Sponsor that BELIEVES IN WORKING THE STEPS ... pray and I believe You Will be led to someone just for that purpose.
Do a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages, most are free. I suggest starting with 'Joe & Charlie Big Book Study' and 'Melbourne Steps Weekend - Recordings'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
In the movie 'Island of Dr Moreau' the subjects have a saying - "He who kills goes back to the House of Pain" ...
In drinking (Alcoholism as described in the Big Book of AA) anytime we drink we go back to Step 1, along with the Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization.
However, Step 1 is a wonderful place ... it is the place of SURRENDER, then the start of the Steps to the MIRACLE of FREEDOM ... If they are worked thru, and then continued with the Daily Steps 10, 11, 12.
I am not talkin about the hangers-on definition of AA - Just Don't Drink and Go To Meetings - that has gotten many people sober, but generally does not bring us into THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IN THE 4Tth DIMENSION OF FREEDOM.
Work The Steps ... preferably with a Sponsor that BELIEVES IN WORKING THE STEPS ... pray and I believe You Will be led to someone just for that purpose.
Do a Web Search for Recovery Speaker Messages, most are free. I suggest starting with 'Joe & Charlie Big Book Study' and 'Melbourne Steps Weekend - Recordings'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Retread. I think our addiction loves us to see ourselves as "functional". I was a functioning alcoholic too, but the level of function kept going down. There's no question that getting sober raised my level of function in all areas of my life, hope SR can help you do the same.
Regarding your statement that several recovery methods "weren't for you", that's a fairly common statement. Mostly because sobriety require you to stop drinking, and your addiction hates that. Unfortunately, there will be things you have to do that you not like or want to do in any recovery plan. So yes...if you are ready to try some ( or retry them ), now would be a fantastic time to do so.
Regarding your statement that several recovery methods "weren't for you", that's a fairly common statement. Mostly because sobriety require you to stop drinking, and your addiction hates that. Unfortunately, there will be things you have to do that you not like or want to do in any recovery plan. So yes...if you are ready to try some ( or retry them ), now would be a fantastic time to do so.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome back 
If you've been somewhere before and you know that going this way or that way will inevitably lead you back to where you are now...go a new way...move forward and don;t look back.
It's scary sure but it will be probably the best decision you ever make
D
If you've been somewhere before and you know that going this way or that way will inevitably lead you back to where you are now...go a new way...move forward and don;t look back.
It's scary sure but it will be probably the best decision you ever make
D
Last edited by Dee74; 08-03-2015 at 02:56 AM.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome back, Retread1959. If you haven't done so already, I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of August 2015 thread found on these same forums. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are also in early recovery. Wishing you the best today!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
So, here I am on day 3 of my sobriety. The voices are back again-- the ones that always tell me that it would be okay to drink now, that I can control it this time, that I can only have one or two glasses of wine or shots of vodka.
Well, those voices can take a long hike. Yeah, this is the time of day when I'd normally be reaching for a bottle and a glass. I don't have to do that. I can sit here in my yard, drinking lemonade (no vodka) and write to this forum to keep myself accountable. It's just one more day, right? I can get through this day.
Well, those voices can take a long hike. Yeah, this is the time of day when I'd normally be reaching for a bottle and a glass. I don't have to do that. I can sit here in my yard, drinking lemonade (no vodka) and write to this forum to keep myself accountable. It's just one more day, right? I can get through this day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Nice to meet you. Hope you're doing well. Thanks for the post, and for the responses.... Loved the "functioning" comment from Scott in WI. I was reading this post and thought "yeah, I'm "functioning" too... then I saw that response and burst out laughing at myself. We like to define ourselves by what we want other people to think, don't we?
That's something to do differently..... (!)
That's something to do differently..... (!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Yeah, I'm not really functioning very well at the moment, but that's the price I pay. I was not really functioning very well when I was drinking, either, and the facade was beginning to crack. If I manage to make it this time I'll have barely escaped with my job and my life still somewhat intact. Nothing like teetering on the brink of utter destruction to get my attention.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Day three really sucks. I'm cranky, I want to punch someone in the face, and I don't even feel right in my own body. It's like there's someone else in my head tonight. But I'm managing and, thanks to everyone here, I'm not reaching for the drink. Congratulations on making it through your first day!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Retread, when I stopped drinking I hit AA meetings, looking for someone, anyone to talk with me.
Listening to all those people in recovery, I realized just how bad I had gotten. There is no way I could have spoken up and spoken as eloquently as they did, and it scared me. At one point I realized that all my "I'm doing fine" thoughts were delusion. I wasn't doing fine at all. I could barely put two thoughts together in any kind of cohesive paragraph.
The emotions? Ugh. All over the place. The first three weeks I couldn't keep myself on an even keel at all.
Keep coming to the forums and reading. That's what kept me sane.
Welcome back.
Listening to all those people in recovery, I realized just how bad I had gotten. There is no way I could have spoken up and spoken as eloquently as they did, and it scared me. At one point I realized that all my "I'm doing fine" thoughts were delusion. I wasn't doing fine at all. I could barely put two thoughts together in any kind of cohesive paragraph.
The emotions? Ugh. All over the place. The first three weeks I couldn't keep myself on an even keel at all.
Keep coming to the forums and reading. That's what kept me sane.
Welcome back.
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