JerryFish

This is what I wrote in another thread but want to put in a thread of its own to let you all know. The lack of inhibitions because of drinking may have been good. When sober, I was too terrified to share this. Now I'm not. I'm not stupid though, I know this is anonymous.

So here's the story:

Ok, since the inhibitions are gone.

Imagine a psychosis in which your body is acting on its own, doing things you don't want it to do. You are observing it as though you're floating outside your body, observing it from the right shoulder and a little higher up.

What you know is, your body is intending to kill itself, while you are observing it and really don't want it to happen. But you are helpless. You can't do anything to stop what is going on.

You observe your body taking a knife, going to the bathroom, to keep it clean. Weird that those things seem important, and you see yourself cutting your wrist. Carefully, with a carefully chosen knife with a sharp point, cutting across the artery. About a little over an inch long.

You see the blood dripping on the floor. Remember, you didn't want this, you are helplessly observing it.

At that point you are certain you are going to die. Which, btw, is the exact moment you know what you truly believe. I've never believes in life after death. And anyone making themselves believe something to give them comfort is going to be in for a surprise when they actually die. That's when all the stories you've told yourself don't hold up and what you really believe shows up.

Well, I never believed in something after death. And there was a moment where I knew I was going to do. And all I saw was a black field, representing nothing and I thought: "In a moment it will all be gone." It was very peaceful. Dying isn't all that bad.

But... I survived. And that is the trauma I told everyone I had gotten over. But I never did. And it leads to depression and drinking. So that's what I need to work on.

So there you have it. What I didn't want to share I just did, thanks to the lessened inhibitions because of the beer.

A psychosis that controls you to commit suicide... I'm lucky I couldn't cut right.

And the mess after it. Calling 911. Calling your parents. Being institutionalized. Having a heavy psychosis. All terrible.

So there you go. I probably won't share this again. But now you know what's bothering me.

Della1968

Are you seeing anyone about it or taking any meds?

JerryFish

It was over 10 years ago and safely treated. Except for my response to it. I always denied that it affected me. But it does. And it is why I drink. It was a matter of pride that I denied it, but I have to get help with it.

The occurrence itself has been treated and never has it come back since. So that's not a risk. The trauma of it is a problem.

Della1968

Yes I understand I have PTSD best wishes to you. It's a battle but worth the peace.

JerryFish

I'm considering getting EMDR for it, it helped with all my other traumas.

Elizabeth333

I understand completely - The last time I drank - I drank, took pills, till I passed out, thinking I had drunk enough to kill myself, saw myself as a child laughing- I woke up in the hospital, extremely depressed, wishing I was dead. After some months of intense therapy, sobriety, no job and attending to only myself - I see that life is worthwhile - hard and not fair sometimes - but worthwhile, especially being there for your loved ones. Please hang on and put one foot in front of the other -YOU can do this.

JerryFish

Thank you so much. I'm happy you're here telling me that there is hope.

Alynn

I'm very sorry you went through that and it's bothering you know. I'm not going to lie and say the thought hasn't crossed my mind when I was drunk and feeling like it would be the best thing. It's a dark place. I'm glad you posted and not holding it in. We're here for you.

Dee74

I'm sorry you went through that too Jerry. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you can speak about it now

I too encourage you to look at some counselling or therapy - PTSD is a real thing with real ramifications.

D

PurpleKnight

Very sorry to hear of everything you had to go through Jerry!!

There is help out there, you can come through this!!

Anna

Jerry, I'm really sorry for what happened to you and that it has continued to bother you since then. I hope that you can get treatment that will help with the PTSD.

NestWasEmpty

That must have been very had for you Jerry , but now people here will know what your dealing with . Sometimes when others read posts they don't understand - the deep rooted things . Or we can't put it into the right words ..
I just wonder about drinking you said it has a calming affect. When I drank it started to make me feel depressed . Don't you think it can do that to you too, the longer you drink or harder ?

JerryFish

Initially it calms me. Then it numbs me. I just don't feel much anymore. Then the next day I feel terrible. And so I want to drink.

I'm glad I lost my job. I never needed it for the money. I'm free now to work on creating a good life. But I will drink a lot before that. And my appointment with my doctor will be cancelled.

My plan is to be back on track at Thursday at the latest. Maybe sooner.

I will be fine. I just need to face this thing and resolve it. Believe it or not, I've gone through worse things and resolved those and I'm fine about them. This one I never wanted to get into or admit. It's time to deal with this last one.

ScottFromWI

Not sure I understand...why are you cancelling with your doctor? You hadn't even set an appointment earlier in the day.

JerryFish

I have an appointment set for tomorrow. I'm just fairly certain that I will be having a hangover for a couple of days. And I still find it difficult to accept and face the issue I described in my OP.

I did set an appointment btw, see one of my previous threads for that.

EndGameNYC

The same could be said of the notion that a lack of inhibitions due to drinking may be a good thing, and other ideas we get and hold onto while we're drinking.

I feel for you, but one of the most potent and reliable risk factors for suicide attempts for people with depression is drinking excessively. This increases much more when there's a previous attempt, and even more when the previous attempt was made while drinking.

I imagine you're planning on speed dating in order to give yourself something to look forward to, but seeing your doctor and/or getting yourself to the emergency room takes precedence given your history.

None of us here wants to see you unravel between now and Thursday while you continue to drink to excess. If I knew where you live, I'd call emergency services.

JerryFish

Thanks. But it's going to be ok. If anything truly serious were to happen, I would call emergency services. During this week things will have settled in. And next week I hope to attend the speed dating event, I'm on the reserve list. But I'll be ok.

Currently I'm not in any danger. I will not allow that. So it's going to be ok. I just got hit hard with my trauma, which now lies open and bare and is something I can tell my doctor about.

Tomorrow I won't make it to the appointment I expect. Maybe I will. But if not tomorrow, later this week.

ZetaP38

Hi, Jerry and All ~

I'd been to the 'jumping off place' many times before alcoholism came to call. The night towards the end of alcoholism (as it turned out) when I got out the .25, loaded the clip and put it to the side of my head, I'd had enough of where alcohol took me. When I came-to the next afternoon, I couldn't believe I was still here. I'd known depression all of my life, but none so deep and devastating as in that moment. What went wrong? There was nothing to do but get up and pour a drink, and wait. It was going to happen...just a little longer, and it would be over.

A couple of months later, I couldn't get to 'that place' again, and I couldn't stand where I was. This time, AA was the 'jumping off place'.

The brat in my head is insane to extremes on either end. And *I* shared his insanity because I grew so weary of fighting the relentless 'pull' into it, like some kind of psychic vortex.

I rode into AA on the back of Ego - not because Ego was headed this way (and who tried mightily to break the connection), but because I had turned around backwards and grabbed onto the reins of a different horse, going in the opposite direction. And hung on.

I didn't become encased in alcoholism until I was 40. However, I discovered that the reason I'd been so 'different' all of my life was because Ego-alcoholic thinking does not require alcohol to be present in order to be operating at full tilt. The outward signs were there: when I did drink, I got drunk and had blackouts. I just didn't get stuck in that insufferably monotonous loop until 40.


Being able to distinguish between *I* and *it* was an incredibly helpful bit of awareness gained in early sobriety. Except, in sobriety, *I* was on top and *it* was subject to my desire to be sober - not me its unwitting slave. (Unless, of course, I had *agreed* with its wily promptings again, and picked up.)

It began to explain a lot of things....that the *I* can become so weak by giving power to Ego, that Ego becomes the driver (drunk or sober). And when mild-mannered people would get drunk and their *I* would pass out, the Ego would keep the body going - sometimes murdering others and the *I* could not remember it.

Blackouts were when *I* was out of the picture and Ego took over. That's why I couldn't remember doing the stuff I did....but I sure felt the shame and guilt. Maybe there's a cosmic rule that I'm responsible for what happens in this body, whether I unknowingly hand the keys over to the maniac or not.

What I couldn't figure out for a while was how I could suddenly be 'on top' just because I made a decision not to drink. I'd made that decision *many* times (and dumped out the booze to prove I was serious), and Ego would still over-power me again. What was different in AA?

The BB is right....I couldn't have done it on my own. It was when I turned from alcohol - *and asked for help* (admitting *my* powerlessness to overcome Ego) - that the Power Greater than Ego welcomed me aboard. Working through others who share 'truth/awareness tools', and the Other Voice, at times, it continues to be an amazing Journey.

I could be wrong, but from your share, I wonder if powerlessness when watching Ego attempt suicide wasn't the main horror. Join us on the road of sobriety, and experience confusion turning to Understanding. AA works in a-maz-ing ways.

Best to All,

PJ

Verte

Enveloping love. A friend told me of feeling a sense of enveloping love for every living thing and especially herself during the time period considered her 'near death experience'. The answers to all her questions came to her and a sort of angst erasure occurred wiping the slate clean. Bliss. She was terrified to share as well and learned that this is quite common with NDE, no matter the circumstance.

Talk to your doctor. Tell him or her about your experience and how it has affected and continues to affect you. There are support groups with others who understand the enormity of the experience. Try not to remain isolated within yourself. Please consider getting help to process your experience as soon as possible.

There is so much support here on SR for whatever your process may be. Stay connected. Alcohol is just a terrible, terrible idea - not fine or OK.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Soberwolf

What D said