Coming out as sober to your friends
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Coming out as sober to your friends
Wondering how to go about integrating my sobriety into old friendships in which I'm known as a drinker. To be honest I'm not super close to many people but know lots of folks who would like me to hang out more. They're good people who don't know my struggle because I drink mostly in secret, and I actually restrain my drinking somewhat when I do hang with them.
Seems like an awkward phase is ahead for me: establishing myself as sober in this heavy drinking southern college town.
Seems like an awkward phase is ahead for me: establishing myself as sober in this heavy drinking southern college town.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I had to change things for things to change one of them things were dropping drinking buddies i still have friends that actually care & live up to the name friend but a lot of them didnt care
Rather than think of it as a awkward phase look at it as your taking your life back and your building sober muscles doing this
then you can flex your sober muscles and deal with any given situation when the time comes
Takes some change though
Rather than think of it as a awkward phase look at it as your taking your life back and your building sober muscles doing this
then you can flex your sober muscles and deal with any given situation when the time comes
Takes some change though
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me there were no great speeches or announcements, more of "I'm not drinking this evening" for example at a wedding or a birthday, some pushed it slightly put at no point did I mention I had a problem, it was simply I've decided to cut back on my drinking.
The people who didn't accept that are now off my list of friends, it was surprising how few actual friends I had when it came to standing by me in a life/death decision in my life, those I figured weren't the people I needed around me in the end if they got so hung up on what was in my glass.
For me I kept it simple, "I'll have a cranberry juice this evening, thanks"!!
The people who didn't accept that are now off my list of friends, it was surprising how few actual friends I had when it came to standing by me in a life/death decision in my life, those I figured weren't the people I needed around me in the end if they got so hung up on what was in my glass.
For me I kept it simple, "I'll have a cranberry juice this evening, thanks"!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Upwardspiral 
Maybe it's the AV telling me I will be ostracized for not drinking 
Our addiction would have us believe that "everyone drinks" and that everyone cares if we drink or not. Of course it wants us to....much easier to keep us drinking to fit in or please others.
In reality though, most people drink very little or not at all, we just seek people or places where alcohol flows freely to feed our addiction. You will most likely find that your true friends really don't care if you are drinking or not, most probably won't even notice. There is really no reason to even mention it for the most part.
You will also most likely find that some of the people you call friends are just drinking buddies though....and once you quit drinking there is really nothing you have in common with them anymore. You may need to part ways with some of them unfortunately.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've had many occasions to hang out with old friends with whom my days were mainly about hard-drinkin', hard-chargin', hard-partyin', hard-livin' booze fests.
I handled it all the same. "I don't drink anymore."
For the most part it was never an issue. Not once did anyone try to get me to party or drink or be the old party me. Several times, in one-on-one conversation, friends asked me "how'd you manage that?" Sometimes I was asked questions about why. When those questions came up, I was truthful but to the point about my journey. I have seen my influence on some of my friends. I think there are a few who have thought more than once "well... if he can do it, maybe so can I". I know that a good handful of my old party pals are also sick and tired of it and - like I once was - quietly, secretly suffering in addictive struggle.
Knowing what that was like, I have chosen to be as forthright as I can with old friends. We never know when our decision to 'out ourselves' as sober will help save a friend's life.
I handled it all the same. "I don't drink anymore."
For the most part it was never an issue. Not once did anyone try to get me to party or drink or be the old party me. Several times, in one-on-one conversation, friends asked me "how'd you manage that?" Sometimes I was asked questions about why. When those questions came up, I was truthful but to the point about my journey. I have seen my influence on some of my friends. I think there are a few who have thought more than once "well... if he can do it, maybe so can I". I know that a good handful of my old party pals are also sick and tired of it and - like I once was - quietly, secretly suffering in addictive struggle.
Knowing what that was like, I have chosen to be as forthright as I can with old friends. We never know when our decision to 'out ourselves' as sober will help save a friend's life.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I think you've gotten good advice here. The reality is that it's usually only a big deal to us. I didn't tell anyone either and simply said, 'No thanks'. It could happen that some people do not come around as much and so be it. The people who remain will be your true friends.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
I had this dilemma with a group of women friends -- 6 of us got together once a month to play a board game, have a potluck dinner, and drink wine.
When I first got sober, it felt too risky to attend the first couple of months, so I just made excuses and skipped it. After that, I brought a couple bottles of sparkling water and just served myself that -- no one commented.
The weird thing is, I used to always have 4 -5 glasses at these gatherings, and I thought everyone else did too. When I got sober, I noticed that most people only had one or two, then switched to water.
Finally last month, as the wine bottle was being passed around, I casually said "I'm just not drinking anymore". A couple people said "Oh, OK." And that was it. No big deal.
When I first got sober, it felt too risky to attend the first couple of months, so I just made excuses and skipped it. After that, I brought a couple bottles of sparkling water and just served myself that -- no one commented.
The weird thing is, I used to always have 4 -5 glasses at these gatherings, and I thought everyone else did too. When I got sober, I noticed that most people only had one or two, then switched to water.
Finally last month, as the wine bottle was being passed around, I casually said "I'm just not drinking anymore". A couple people said "Oh, OK." And that was it. No big deal.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
It will much less dramatic than you think it will be. "Normies" don't give alcohol much thought, whether they're drinking it or you're drinking or not drinking it.
It's much less of a "coming out" and more of a "zzzzzzzz.......and?"
I think they only time you'd be questioned or ostracized is if you went to an event where the goal was to get as wasted as possible, where guys are smashing beer cans on their foreheads, lifting each other into the air to do keg stands, and jumping into a swimming pool from the roof.
I'm not sure how old you are but at 33 I've found that NOBODY I know goes to "drink fests" anymore. In fact, even in their daily lives they drink very, very little, like 0-8 drinks a week with the ZERO much more common.
It's much less of a "coming out" and more of a "zzzzzzzz.......and?"
I think they only time you'd be questioned or ostracized is if you went to an event where the goal was to get as wasted as possible, where guys are smashing beer cans on their foreheads, lifting each other into the air to do keg stands, and jumping into a swimming pool from the roof.
I'm not sure how old you are but at 33 I've found that NOBODY I know goes to "drink fests" anymore. In fact, even in their daily lives they drink very, very little, like 0-8 drinks a week with the ZERO much more common.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
I'm almost 33 too Melinda. Thing is, I've followed an unconventional path in life that has found me still present at the occasional drink fest. Maybe not all of my acquaintances are alkies, but there is a bit of a peter pan syndrome in my world (I work in the bicycle industry ) and I live in a smallish college town that is famous for partying. When I moved here 10 years ago it was very romantic but now I feel ready to move on. Same with my current career, though it's a labor of love.
First, though, I've got to get my head screwed on straight, remember what my dreams were before I became a drunk and what still matters, and decide what's next. But you have all reassured me that I can be myself sober whether anyone notices or cares. Thank you!
First, though, I've got to get my head screwed on straight, remember what my dreams were before I became a drunk and what still matters, and decide what's next. But you have all reassured me that I can be myself sober whether anyone notices or cares. Thank you!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
I'm 31. If I'm partying like a sophomore in college at 31, I have to ask myself what my present life choices are.
In my phases of recovery-relapse, before I got into this stretch of meanigful recovery, I talked myself out of believing that people wouldn't notice. It would be a hit to my ego. People not paying attention to me?!? THE HORROR!
When it comes down to it, I'm really not that huge a deal to the universe, and aside from the people I drank with or acted foolishly about, I, too, found not many people placed any notice or weight on my decision to abstain. It was a humbling experience, but perverse pride (i.e., thinkig I'm somehow sicker than another, or that people notice my bad habits) is a symptom of my disease.
I drank to fit in. But I fit in far better when I'm sober. Your mileage may vary, but I suspect that, like me, this is not nearly as big a deal in real life as it was in my mind.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
In my phases of recovery-relapse, before I got into this stretch of meanigful recovery, I talked myself out of believing that people wouldn't notice. It would be a hit to my ego. People not paying attention to me?!? THE HORROR!
When it comes down to it, I'm really not that huge a deal to the universe, and aside from the people I drank with or acted foolishly about, I, too, found not many people placed any notice or weight on my decision to abstain. It was a humbling experience, but perverse pride (i.e., thinkig I'm somehow sicker than another, or that people notice my bad habits) is a symptom of my disease.
I drank to fit in. But I fit in far better when I'm sober. Your mileage may vary, but I suspect that, like me, this is not nearly as big a deal in real life as it was in my mind.
"Always Believe!" -The Ultimate Warrior
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Personally Ive only told a handful of people my family and my closest friends.... now.... Ive a little plan to sort out the rest the associates - like you Im (or was) a known drinker and i know if I do out socialising people will be shocked if I decline a drink but these people also know that I have a medical conditon which at times alcohol can make me very sick (long story that one but the truth!) Im using that as an excuse, because of that I simply cannot tolerate alcohol anymore so decided to quit. No way on earth am I gonna be subjected to gossip "you never guess what so and so is an alcoholic" tell who you want on a needs to know basis and make up some BS for the other occassions.... be designated driver, say your on antibiotics, sip a tonic water or other non alcoholic beverage which could be mistaken by the untrained eye as alcohol (avoid doing rounds in those circumstances) say you have an early start in the morning so best not. Of course if these people are your closest friends and someone you 100% trust you can confide in and without judgement then come clean but ONLY if you want to.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Reading the other posts here... lol Im yet to be in that situation but I suspect your right... no one will give a damn anyways ha ha thinking about it when I have gone out and decided not drink in the past... no one cared ha ha!! I didnt even think of making an excuse I just ordered a diet coke and that was that!
But if you are asked... you'll have a handful of excuses ready just in case
But if you are asked... you'll have a handful of excuses ready just in case
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I would avoid "specialty" things where the alcohol is considered some sort of "delicacy" for lack of a better word.
At Christmas my mother in law opened some bottle of 50 year old brandy and everyone was ooooing and aaaaahing about how special it was as they poured it into tiny antique glasses. She simply could not understand why I couldn't have just a taste. It was maybe half an ounce, not even half a shot. Then everyone stood in a circle as she told some story about the history of the brandy and how her late father bought it when after he delivered his first baby (he was a doctor). I mean, it was a story meant for a Lifetime movie. That is the only time I felt on the spot for not holding that freakin' glass of brandy. I felt awkward for about 30 seconds.
I don't blame her though. I was "secretly sober" at that point. Now, I am known as a non-drinker.
I would also avoid wine tastings (which I find obnoxious anyways) where people would say to taste this or that and even spit it out.
However, all that said, nobody really gives a flip if you're not drinking or not.
You'll learn to perfect the "Nah, I don't drink" so you sound casual enough but they hear the inflection that it's not up for discussion or negotiations.
And then after that, again, nobody gives a hoot.
And I never, ever thought I would say or be this, but I am now someone who doesn't give a care about if people think that I used to have a drinking problem. I NEVER thought I would get to the point of not caring, but after like a year of sobriety you kinda stop caring. It's just a stupid beverage that you don't drink. It's like The Emperor's New Clothes. You see alcohol for what it really is.
At Christmas my mother in law opened some bottle of 50 year old brandy and everyone was ooooing and aaaaahing about how special it was as they poured it into tiny antique glasses. She simply could not understand why I couldn't have just a taste. It was maybe half an ounce, not even half a shot. Then everyone stood in a circle as she told some story about the history of the brandy and how her late father bought it when after he delivered his first baby (he was a doctor). I mean, it was a story meant for a Lifetime movie. That is the only time I felt on the spot for not holding that freakin' glass of brandy. I felt awkward for about 30 seconds.
I don't blame her though. I was "secretly sober" at that point. Now, I am known as a non-drinker.
I would also avoid wine tastings (which I find obnoxious anyways) where people would say to taste this or that and even spit it out.
However, all that said, nobody really gives a flip if you're not drinking or not.
You'll learn to perfect the "Nah, I don't drink" so you sound casual enough but they hear the inflection that it's not up for discussion or negotiations.
And then after that, again, nobody gives a hoot.
And I never, ever thought I would say or be this, but I am now someone who doesn't give a care about if people think that I used to have a drinking problem. I NEVER thought I would get to the point of not caring, but after like a year of sobriety you kinda stop caring. It's just a stupid beverage that you don't drink. It's like The Emperor's New Clothes. You see alcohol for what it really is.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
So much awesome advice here! It's sad but I've kept some poor company in the past, because I have had a number of instances of people giving me a hard time when I was trying to abstain. Funny to think there are grown men and women out there who need to use peer pressure to feel better about their own behavior.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 214
I told a few close people exactly why I stopped drinking. For others I waited until more recently (8 months sober) to tell them and I word it as "I haven't drank since December". I have never gotten a judgmental response to this statement. Everybody's been impressed by my sober streak actually - "Wow, no alcohol since December?! That's awesome." It's almost said as if they wish they could put it down too.
I remember one time I must have looked a little ashamed and my friend said "Well don't look so down about it. That's a really good decision. You should be happy".
I remember one time I must have looked a little ashamed and my friend said "Well don't look so down about it. That's a really good decision. You should be happy".
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