Anger stage is back....when does it end?
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Anger stage is back....when does it end?
Anger bubbled up today. Stress with so much going on at work and school starting soon, I'm sure, brought it back up to the surface. I want to scream at him-"how, HOW, could you do this?!! You always said you were a good guy with morals-really? REALLY? You haven't seen your kids in 4 months. YourBLOOD. Your daughter is scared of you. How date you treat us the way you have-as if we are disposable. How dare you sell me out for your mom and sister. That ring on your finger was to me-not them, but you were more concerned about your moms feeling than mine-every time their was a choice, you chose her even when my feelings were at stake. You missed your daughters ultrasound bc you didn't wabt to upset your mommy and tell her NO. How can you still be acting like a teenager in a mans body? What is it going to take you to see? How can you make things up about me? Why would you do that? I changed my ways to make sure id never be that person again to me and to you. You made me crazy, literally, with all the lies and broken promises. You broke my heart. Literally. All of it. I did love you-not perfectly, but I did. But you never believed that bc you don't love yourself. Damn you for doing what you've done to this family-YOUR God given family. Damn you!!!!!!! Maybe it was just me, maybe I just couldn't handle you, maybe it was just me."
I feel like a good run and time with my punching bag will help tonight but I implore you, when does this end? I don't want to find another guy to take my mind off things-that never worked in the past bc I still was left with me-and my issues. But I just want it to stop. I have peace, truly, but the anger is still very much there, and so is the guilt and shame. It hits me like a brick wall. Thoughts of what I could have done differebtly-how I wish I could take back how I treated him when I was acting crazy-maybe that would have changed things. I feel this....when does it stop?!
Help!
I feel like a good run and time with my punching bag will help tonight but I implore you, when does this end? I don't want to find another guy to take my mind off things-that never worked in the past bc I still was left with me-and my issues. But I just want it to stop. I have peace, truly, but the anger is still very much there, and so is the guilt and shame. It hits me like a brick wall. Thoughts of what I could have done differebtly-how I wish I could take back how I treated him when I was acting crazy-maybe that would have changed things. I feel this....when does it stop?!
Help!
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sweets, it's OK....what you are feeling is OK. just stay away from pointy objects.
not too many days ago you wondered if you'd ever stop missing him. which is a perfectly normal reaction post-breakup.
now you are wondering when the anger will end. you are going to continue to cycle thru emotions for awhile. don't try to PREVENT it, don't try to NOT feel, accept it, embrace it even and then just try to let it be....let YOU be......peace will come. when you stop fighting.
really most excellent vent by the way.
not too many days ago you wondered if you'd ever stop missing him. which is a perfectly normal reaction post-breakup.
now you are wondering when the anger will end. you are going to continue to cycle thru emotions for awhile. don't try to PREVENT it, don't try to NOT feel, accept it, embrace it even and then just try to let it be....let YOU be......peace will come. when you stop fighting.
really most excellent vent by the way.
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Forourgirls........since you insist on a time frame.....this "wailing wall" type anger will last from 6months to 1year. The will be an increase in the anger withing about 2-3wks prior to the one year date (sort of like the last really strong surge o f a summer storm).
During the second year, there will still be surges of anger here and there when it is triggered by a specific circumstance--but, they will be very time limited.....minutes to a few hours on the outside.
It is more apt to happen when your coping defenses are down (after the first year). When you are tired, lonely, hungry, or perhaps.....premenstrual...LOL!
The third year will mark a difference in your experience of the injustices. You will be able to recall and describe them in detail to an interested listener---but it will be from a more detached and objective stance---rather than the deeply viseral subjectivity of what you are experiencing in this early, white-hot period.
Even further down the road....toward the 10yr. mark....the injustices will exist more like the faded pictures in a musty album that you pull out and "study" once in a while. They will be real things that are viewed with a heavy dose of nostalgia that we all tend to have when glancing backward at the fabric of our lives......
Shall I go on.....or does this answer your question......?
dandylion
During the second year, there will still be surges of anger here and there when it is triggered by a specific circumstance--but, they will be very time limited.....minutes to a few hours on the outside.
It is more apt to happen when your coping defenses are down (after the first year). When you are tired, lonely, hungry, or perhaps.....premenstrual...LOL!
The third year will mark a difference in your experience of the injustices. You will be able to recall and describe them in detail to an interested listener---but it will be from a more detached and objective stance---rather than the deeply viseral subjectivity of what you are experiencing in this early, white-hot period.
Even further down the road....toward the 10yr. mark....the injustices will exist more like the faded pictures in a musty album that you pull out and "study" once in a while. They will be real things that are viewed with a heavy dose of nostalgia that we all tend to have when glancing backward at the fabric of our lives......
Shall I go on.....or does this answer your question......?
dandylion
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I seriously doubt that it's "God's will" that he acts like a first-class jerk. I don't think God rolls that way.
He's got himself to live with, and trust me, it isn't pleasant being him. You have a MUCH better life, and you will reap the rewards, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I agree, you get a gold medal in venting.
You could give lessons.
This is just one of those sucky times in life where you gotta keep slogging through the crud. It feels like it will last forever, but it won't. Truly, I promise you, it won't.
As Anvil said, feel it, let it out, and then you can regroup. YOU are doing just fine--and so are your kiddos. One terrific parent compensates a whole lot for another one who's a loser. I've heard it over and over.
Hugs (as long as you don't have any pointy objects in your hands!)
He's got himself to live with, and trust me, it isn't pleasant being him. You have a MUCH better life, and you will reap the rewards, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I agree, you get a gold medal in venting.
You could give lessons.This is just one of those sucky times in life where you gotta keep slogging through the crud. It feels like it will last forever, but it won't. Truly, I promise you, it won't.
As Anvil said, feel it, let it out, and then you can regroup. YOU are doing just fine--and so are your kiddos. One terrific parent compensates a whole lot for another one who's a loser. I've heard it over and over.
Hugs (as long as you don't have any pointy objects in your hands!)
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Or maybe the anger stops when I just accept, accept fully that he has no capability to feel for how his actions impact others and no remorse for anything. Accepting that is my roadblock bc that's not me-and I cabt fathom people like him truly exist and wake up everyday feeling good about themselves. Sick.
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OMG!!!!!!! I did it again. You ask a question---"How long will it last"....then I answer the question.............................Then, you say "I really didn't require an answer to my question"........after I have typed my little fingers to the bone......
I keep telling myself....."Formygirls is a numbers type person who likes to deal in concrete answers".......
Nest time....please say....."Dandylion...that is a rhetorical question not requiring a real answer".
dandylion
I keep telling myself....."Formygirls is a numbers type person who likes to deal in concrete answers".......
Nest time....please say....."Dandylion...that is a rhetorical question not requiring a real answer".
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
Truth? I'm just glad I'm not him. I know this is Gods will-but it doesn't mean I'm not angry!
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Or maybe the anger stops when I just accept, accept fully that he has no capability to feel for how his actions impact others and no remorse for anything. Accepting that is my roadblock bc that's not me-and I cabt fathom people like him truly exist and wake up everyday feeling good about themselves. Sick.
Here's the "no"--I don't think he wakes up every day "feeling good about himself." Alcoholics rarely feel good about themselves. Maybe, temporarily, while they are actually DRUNK (which is a pretty good reason for drinking, right there) but the rest of the time they pretty much feel like crap.
I'm sure, like most of the alcoholics I've known, he makes a great SHOW of how good he feels about himself, but dollars to donuts it's a big fat lie and an act. He HAS to look that way to others--it's all part of the gamesmanship that goes along with being an addict. A lot of people who knew me would have been shocked to hear that I was an alcoholic. I looked good on the outside, for the most part--though the facade was starting to fall apart.
In any event, how he feels about himself has nothing to do with you--except to the extent you allow it to affect you.
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Or maybe the anger stops when I just accept, accept fully that he has no capability to feel for how his actions impact others and no remorse for anything.
Instead of being angry for what they did, or didn't do, instead I accepted that I picked a loser, stuck with a loser, twisted to make a loser happy, accepted unacceptable behavior, participated in unacceptable behavior, and overall demoralized myself in trying to make, wish or hope them to be different.
Its like - why be mad at a dog for barking? Dog's bark.
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Refiner-no truer words have been spoken. He IS just a little boy-he's no man. He hides behind anything-afraid bc his true self has been revealed-a scared little boy afraid to grow up and face himself.
Dandy-you are cracking me up!!!! Seriously! Yes, it was more of a rhetorical question but I wholeheartedly appreciate the time frames. Sometimes my Type A sneaks out and wanting to know an outcome but these days I've suppressed that and live by faith. It's just overwhelming at times.
Redlanta-holy crap, yes. I'm angry at myself (learning to accept) for being conned by a guy who has no self awareness whatsoever-he's truly got little man syndrome bc he's just a kid! He was like that when we met-I just figured he'd grow up but it's gotten worse over the last few years-regression-not better. I deserve a man-not some wannabe. Famous words from my ex many times throughout our marriage: "I just wish you would love me like my mom and sister do" and "I can't stand up to my mom-she's my mom". What a ******* joke.
Dandy-you are cracking me up!!!! Seriously! Yes, it was more of a rhetorical question but I wholeheartedly appreciate the time frames. Sometimes my Type A sneaks out and wanting to know an outcome but these days I've suppressed that and live by faith. It's just overwhelming at times.
Redlanta-holy crap, yes. I'm angry at myself (learning to accept) for being conned by a guy who has no self awareness whatsoever-he's truly got little man syndrome bc he's just a kid! He was like that when we met-I just figured he'd grow up but it's gotten worse over the last few years-regression-not better. I deserve a man-not some wannabe. Famous words from my ex many times throughout our marriage: "I just wish you would love me like my mom and sister do" and "I can't stand up to my mom-she's my mom". What a ******* joke.
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Lexie-his whole life is a charade, a sham. He has this cocky arrogant demeanor but underneath he's an insecure bully. Lucky me-I got to witness that, nobody else did, bc I truly knew him.
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Forourgirls.....first a BIG HUG goes out to you!!!
I wrote a post similar to yours on the Monday. I was like a raging lunatic!! Later that evening I had a conversation with a friend of mine who I have known most of my life. She works as a Healing Touch Practitioner for cancer patients. She is always very calming, my voice of reason. She advised that I needed to release the anger into the universe and told me to go outside, find a tree and just let it rip. I was cracking up thinking that my neighbors would think I had completely lost it if they heard me outside yelling like a crazy woman so I opted instead to let it rip in my living room while looking at a photo of my ex. At first it felt a little weird but after a minute I was on a roll!! Thank god my son was at his Dad's that night! Lol. I told that loser EVERYTHING that I didn't say in our 5 years together, EVERYTHING. I cannot tell you what a weight that was lifted from my heart afterwards. It was such a relief to finally get it out of my mouth. Some people journal...I'm not a journaler. Needless to say afterward I took half a Xanax " my heart was racing", got in bed and woke up Tuesday feeling so much better. Not sure when it's going to hit me again but I know what to do ( short of punching him in his face ). Lol. Hang in there....
Oh and Dandy, if I have to go thru this for the next 10 years someone's gonna find me hanging from a tree!! Ha!
I wrote a post similar to yours on the Monday. I was like a raging lunatic!! Later that evening I had a conversation with a friend of mine who I have known most of my life. She works as a Healing Touch Practitioner for cancer patients. She is always very calming, my voice of reason. She advised that I needed to release the anger into the universe and told me to go outside, find a tree and just let it rip. I was cracking up thinking that my neighbors would think I had completely lost it if they heard me outside yelling like a crazy woman so I opted instead to let it rip in my living room while looking at a photo of my ex. At first it felt a little weird but after a minute I was on a roll!! Thank god my son was at his Dad's that night! Lol. I told that loser EVERYTHING that I didn't say in our 5 years together, EVERYTHING. I cannot tell you what a weight that was lifted from my heart afterwards. It was such a relief to finally get it out of my mouth. Some people journal...I'm not a journaler. Needless to say afterward I took half a Xanax " my heart was racing", got in bed and woke up Tuesday feeling so much better. Not sure when it's going to hit me again but I know what to do ( short of punching him in his face ). Lol. Hang in there....
Oh and Dandy, if I have to go thru this for the next 10 years someone's gonna find me hanging from a tree!! Ha!
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Yep-been living with mommy for the last year. Oldest brother also lives at home with mommy (he's in his 40's). Big sissy is big sister who helped try to "take me down" abd ruin me during divirce proceedings. She's supposed to take care of my ex and make him happy now that I'm gone. He needs someone to take care of him bc he cabt take care of himself. That woman, his "mother", single handedly ruined her boys. Literally, I was shunned bc I told the truth. That's not allowed in toxic dysfunctional alcoholic families. So glad I did. The truth does set you free.
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