Is it ok to be just so mad. (1st post)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: georgia
Posts: 2
Is it ok to be just so mad. (1st post)
Hello everyone 
I have lurked on this board for such a long time, only now do I turn to
you guys for advice and a question I just couldnt find by lurking.
My family has had a long line of alcoholics, all on the female side from great grandmothers down to my sister, thankfully I was spared this disease.
I sometimes wonder if I was spared or if this is just a choice I make and they fail to care enough to choose.
My mother is gone (died a few years back) the whole time she was alive I battled her and her drinking. I have used every threat in the book, and some I have creatively made up to suit our situations. I have attended al-anon quite a few times now when I needed support or advice. Its always the same advice for my situation "tough love" "you need to stop enablng" "save what sanity you have now and walk away until they are sober the abuse has been enough". I truly do believe that the time has come for me to walk away, completely. But then to actually do that is my problem.
Now its my sister that inflicts herself upon us/me. I say us because I have two boys that think she hangs the moon and the stars, cept of course when they hear/see that their Aunt has caused some sort of grief.
I am so angry that she makes all the promises and still continues to drink, is completely selfish to the point I wonder if she even perceives things in reality. Truly I am done, I just want her to go away. And then with that thought I get mad at myself for thinking that.
If I remove myself from her life (as i have done before, everytime the situation gets worse and worse) if I remove myself I am afraid something horrible will happen.
But I'm just so angry, and I know I need to stop letting her inflict herself upon my life. Some of you seem to stay so loving and caring towards your A's...I dont seem to hold that quality
I feel horrible but then she is good at making me feel that way.
Sorry this is so long...so I guess my question is...When you know you HAVE to walk away, how can you do that and not eat yourself up to pieces over it? Is it ever ok to walk away? I have so much going on in my world I cant handle the mess of a world she has created for herself.
Thanks for any advice
I have lurked on this board for such a long time, only now do I turn to
you guys for advice and a question I just couldnt find by lurking.
My family has had a long line of alcoholics, all on the female side from great grandmothers down to my sister, thankfully I was spared this disease.
I sometimes wonder if I was spared or if this is just a choice I make and they fail to care enough to choose.
My mother is gone (died a few years back) the whole time she was alive I battled her and her drinking. I have used every threat in the book, and some I have creatively made up to suit our situations. I have attended al-anon quite a few times now when I needed support or advice. Its always the same advice for my situation "tough love" "you need to stop enablng" "save what sanity you have now and walk away until they are sober the abuse has been enough". I truly do believe that the time has come for me to walk away, completely. But then to actually do that is my problem.
Now its my sister that inflicts herself upon us/me. I say us because I have two boys that think she hangs the moon and the stars, cept of course when they hear/see that their Aunt has caused some sort of grief.
I am so angry that she makes all the promises and still continues to drink, is completely selfish to the point I wonder if she even perceives things in reality. Truly I am done, I just want her to go away. And then with that thought I get mad at myself for thinking that.
If I remove myself from her life (as i have done before, everytime the situation gets worse and worse) if I remove myself I am afraid something horrible will happen.
But I'm just so angry, and I know I need to stop letting her inflict herself upon my life. Some of you seem to stay so loving and caring towards your A's...I dont seem to hold that quality
I feel horrible but then she is good at making me feel that way. Sorry this is so long...so I guess my question is...When you know you HAVE to walk away, how can you do that and not eat yourself up to pieces over it? Is it ever ok to walk away? I have so much going on in my world I cant handle the mess of a world she has created for herself.
Thanks for any advice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Notgonnabeme -
Welcome to SR ! I'm glad you decided to post.
I was angry for a really long time. I still get angry every once in a while but not nearly like I used to.
For me the anger went away as part of my journey. I realized that I didn't have anything to be angry about. My H was doing what alcoholics do. He wasn't in control of it. He wasn't doing anything TO me. He was doing it TO himself.
I think that understanding the disease and myself let me let go of the anger. Working a program helped me to do that. It wasn't overnight but it did happen.
I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and reading. There's so much to understand and this is a great place to start.
L
Welcome to SR ! I'm glad you decided to post.
I was angry for a really long time. I still get angry every once in a while but not nearly like I used to.
For me the anger went away as part of my journey. I realized that I didn't have anything to be angry about. My H was doing what alcoholics do. He wasn't in control of it. He wasn't doing anything TO me. He was doing it TO himself.
I think that understanding the disease and myself let me let go of the anger. Working a program helped me to do that. It wasn't overnight but it did happen.
I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and reading. There's so much to understand and this is a great place to start.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
not - lorelai is right. i have not been part of this forum and al-anon for that long, but i have given up some or most of my anger. it really is counter-productive. yes, we as humans do have emotions, but as lorelai said, there is help to get to the point where you don't have that anger.
others from this forum
will respond with many suggestions and good information. this is a wonderful place! keep coming back and take advantage of the resources.
cwohio
others from this forum
will respond with many suggestions and good information. this is a wonderful place! keep coming back and take advantage of the resources.cwohio
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
When you know you HAVE to walk away, how can you do that and not eat yourself up to pieces over it? Is it ever ok to walk away? I have so much going on in my world I cant handle the mess of a world she has created for herself.
That your "walking away" may be just the thing she needs.
By letting her deal with her issues can be the best thing you can do for her.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Yes it hurts but seeing her drinking and killing herself a little at a time hurts as well. "you need to stop enablng" if you are doing so. You have seen the results and know that doesn't work.
I think your anger may be more of a frustration of feelings that have grown as a result of knowing, you can't stop her actions.
Accept the facts. You know them as you have learned them from Al Anon.
Once you let go, I think you will feel a little better and the anger will pass as you know you are doing right.
Yes it hurts... that is why they call it tough love. But it works for the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Not...
Glad you finally decided to post.
we are so glad that you are here..
My name is Kel and I am an alcoholic who is grateful for my sobriety today.
There is nothing you can do for your sister...it really has nothing to do with you...she is an addict and when and if she is ready to seek help for addiction has nothing to do with anyone or anything except the fact that she has an addiction.
You mentioned your mother, it did not sound like she responded to threats.
We addicts rarely do.
Guite simply you are wasting your energy on trying to convince an addict to seek help. You would be better off focusing on you and your children.
I wish you all the best and I will pray your sister decides to seek help.
Glad you finally decided to post.
we are so glad that you are here..
My name is Kel and I am an alcoholic who is grateful for my sobriety today.
There is nothing you can do for your sister...it really has nothing to do with you...she is an addict and when and if she is ready to seek help for addiction has nothing to do with anyone or anything except the fact that she has an addiction.
You mentioned your mother, it did not sound like she responded to threats.
We addicts rarely do.
Guite simply you are wasting your energy on trying to convince an addict to seek help. You would be better off focusing on you and your children.
I wish you all the best and I will pray your sister decides to seek help.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Not,
Glad you joined us. I think we all started with a lot of anger, hurt, frustration, and pain. Learning that we are not responsible for the results of someone else's decisions was very freeing to me. I don't have to feel guilty or responsible for the pain some one has inflicted on themself. I have people who think I am not a nice person for my personal boundaries. That used to effect me a lot until I realized those people are not being fair to me. They want me to suffer for someone else's choices.
We are taught to feel guilty for the wrong things. We are taught to be hard on ourself. As time went on, I completely lost me. There is something very wrong with that.
Through Al-Anon and therapy I have learned how to let go of the anger, hurt, and guilt. It took work, but it was worth it. We can learn to treat ourselves better, and in turn we stop allowing others to abuse us. I am grateful for the Al-Anon program for allowing me to step off the roller coaster ride of alcoholism and addiction. Hugs, Magic
Glad you joined us. I think we all started with a lot of anger, hurt, frustration, and pain. Learning that we are not responsible for the results of someone else's decisions was very freeing to me. I don't have to feel guilty or responsible for the pain some one has inflicted on themself. I have people who think I am not a nice person for my personal boundaries. That used to effect me a lot until I realized those people are not being fair to me. They want me to suffer for someone else's choices.
We are taught to feel guilty for the wrong things. We are taught to be hard on ourself. As time went on, I completely lost me. There is something very wrong with that.
Through Al-Anon and therapy I have learned how to let go of the anger, hurt, and guilt. It took work, but it was worth it. We can learn to treat ourselves better, and in turn we stop allowing others to abuse us. I am grateful for the Al-Anon program for allowing me to step off the roller coaster ride of alcoholism and addiction. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Illinois
Posts: 19
I am having the same problem with my daughter. She is an alcholic and got out of jail last week. We let her stay with us until she gets a job, car, and money for a apartment. One afternoon, (2nd day) she walked to a bar and met a "friend" Stayed at the "friends" house a whole day and then called the next morning telling us she was there.
I can not have her staying here now, I will help her if she needs a ride or something. I hate to do this, but I am going to call the number she is at and pack up some clothes for her and leave it outside.
Am I doing the right thing? I think so.
I can not have her staying here now, I will help her if she needs a ride or something. I hate to do this, but I am going to call the number she is at and pack up some clothes for her and leave it outside.
Am I doing the right thing? I think so.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
kj1221,
letting her make her own decisions is probably one of the best things you can do. If she makes the right ones, she will build self esteem. If she makes the wrong ones she will learn. It is hard to let someone stumble and not try to catch them. Put her in God's hands. Hugs, Magic
letting her make her own decisions is probably one of the best things you can do. If she makes the right ones, she will build self esteem. If she makes the wrong ones she will learn. It is hard to let someone stumble and not try to catch them. Put her in God's hands. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: georgia
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your welcome, your support, advice and understanding
It really means the world to me, as I am sure you all know.
I will keep reading/writing and learning here, thank you again!
kj1221- I hope everything with your daughter will be peaceful soon. I understand how you can ask if your doing the right thing, but as I am learning, if its the right thing for you then it probably is. Best wishes to you, I will keep you in my thoughts. ((hugs))
It really means the world to me, as I am sure you all know.
I will keep reading/writing and learning here, thank you again!
kj1221- I hope everything with your daughter will be peaceful soon. I understand how you can ask if your doing the right thing, but as I am learning, if its the right thing for you then it probably is. Best wishes to you, I will keep you in my thoughts. ((hugs))
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