BringingBackB

Hi all.

How have you all coped with anger in sobriety? I haven't ever thought of myself as an angry person but I'm struggling at the moment. I've reluctantly accepted to move back in with my family for a few months until I get back on my feet, but it is driving me mad.

I am really greatful for them for doing it, but it feels like neither of us are happy with the situation. I am getting nagged constantly and they are always on my ass. I appreciate that whilst drinking I behave like a child, but I'm 23 now and need my own space and time to work through the issues in my head. There are clearly trust issues going on and because I've behaved the way I have, I* imagine I need to just shut up and deal with it and hope it eventually gets better. I have always been a bit of a loner though and this constant having to be around someone is driving me mad. I feel like I have to ask if I can go for a walk.

After typing this out I think what I probably need to do is sit down with them and have a chat.

Am I just being ungreatful? Any thoughts are much appreciated. I am still very early on in sobriety this time round, im hoping all this and the constant churning of my thoughts and inability to switch off will be tackled with my addiction counsellor.

B

Hawkeye13

drinking, for me at least, was the way I dealt with (and suppressed) unpleasant emotions like anger, fear, self-loathing,
so when I stopped drinking all of those feeling began to surface with great intensity

maybe the same thing is happening to you beyond the surface irritation of dealing with living back in the family home?

I suggest getting a counseling referral and getting some sessions if you can
to have a safe, neutral place to talk about the feelings--they need to come out and you will feel better in the long run but short term it is rough.

I really like the cognitive approach which is practical and not intended to last
all that long--google it and see what you think.

Beyond that, yes, living at home is hard if you are a sober "normie" let alone
newly sober. Discussing it as a family does sound like a good idea and it is
a positive sign you recognize the lack of trust on their part is understandable.

Many alcoholics are so in denial about the harm we've caused our family that
we "blame" them for their worry and tendency to "manage" us sober.
That said, it isn't healthy for them to do that--maybe they should try al anon and work on their own recovery as well?

Wishing you the best in your sober life. It gets so much better and pretty quickly too

mystified

Moving back in with your family after being out on your own is HARD buddy but since you're in that position you might feel better for talking things over with them. Are you all clear on boundaries and expectations etc for example? You're probably not the same people that you were when you left home right? Are you all behaving as if you are? Just a thought.

I agree with what hawkeye says about our addiction suppressing or masking unpleasant emotions and would also suggest cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) which I've found hugely helpful. I see you're in the UK, your gp will be able to refer you if cbt services are available in your area.

Good on you for reaching out. Recognising your 'issues' is an important step to fixing them.

As for dealing with the anger, my suggestion would be to take 3 deep breaths, remove yourself if at all possible and respond rather than react. Better to not let it escalate so much that the red mist comes down huh?

Good luck buddy and kudos to you for your sobriety.

Cauliflower

You are about the same age as my son, and if he moved back home to sober up, I would be thrilled, but, I would also set up boundaries, rules, etc. and he would not be a happy camper about that aspect. I think you just need to sit down with your folks and have a chat. Keep the communication open! That`s the key to living well with your parents. Congratulations on making the decision to live a sober life! You can do it kiddo!

neferkamichael

I'm 5 years sober and perhaps angrier now than before. I've had little luck with changing my behavior and wish I could afford to see a shrink. Rootin for ya.

NestWasEmpty

BringingBackB first Congrats with on working on your Sobriety
My parents let me move back in - only in later life , after my kids were grown. To try to Sober me up - Yes pretty rough . My way of dealing with it was to not stay around them a lot . I would find other things to occupy my time .
If they started on me about my drinking ( they were recovering alcoholic's ) I would say . Dealing with trying to stay sober I can't handle pressure , if you want me to do this . Let me do it on my own Please ! Than instead of arguing over it more , I would just leave the room. So not to get upset- You know remove yourself . Go do something to take you mind of it .
Don't know if this helped much , I do like the idea of being up front

BringingBackB

Thanks for all the feedback guys, much appreciated.

I think I may have overlooked how difficult it was going to be to move back. After living on my own since 18 it's a big change, which is probably why I am getting so frustrated. Add that to the fact that my long standing self destruction crutch has now been removed it all makes a bit more sense in my head.

At the end of the day, living on my own did me no good so it is probably for the best I am here for the time being, with people who care about me. I agree with you all in that it's probably best for me to just put my cards on the table. They probably have no idea and think they are helping. I can imagine it's hard for them to know what to do / say around me sometimes.

CBT is a very good idea. I shall mention it to the doc tomorrow. I imagine it will tie in quite nicely with the SMART I am doing since that is also primarily CBT.

I will keep on truckin! Thanks all

Jmichigan

idk how well off you are financially but I struggled with similar stuff as far as needing my own space goes. I ended up getting a cheap weekly motel room. it's not much but having a small patch of earth to call my own really helped. it gave me a retreat of sorts so at the end of the day I could wind back without the drama. I was homeless on n off for a while and I found out many of the state's will help get you into an apartment if you can prove you're working or even put u up in a motel for a while check out your county office or town hall or Google salvation army. there's always someone who can help

thomas11

Hi BBB, I like your idea of sitting down and having a serious conversation with them, there will need to be compromise but I would stand your ground in letting them know that you also need some space. I know this is an unpleasant thing to mention, but keep in mind why you are there, and who put you there; I think you put yourself there, correct? I know for myself, when people try and care about me, I perceive it as them trying to control me. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am wrong and they are right in that situation. Best wishes. You're young, take advantage of it.

Tooshabby

You don't sound ungrateful at all to me - quite the opposite. It's fantastic they're the kind of family who care and with whom you feel able to sit down with and talk things through. That's a healthy environment - just the ticket. As days go by the dust will settle and the trust will return, I'm picking. Great you will be seeing an addiction counsellor too. Things seem to be right on course!