borgs7

Hey guys , I'm struggling with the qualifier in my life who happens to be a heroin addict . Although he wasn't when we first got together. Things have gotten worse over time. Once I found out he detoxed in October, He denies doing it now after he detoxed in October . He's not clean, he started selling after he got fired two months ago from his job of 6 years. We have broken up several times but I keep taking him back . He acts ok for a few days involves me in his life, then he picks fights and doesn't want to do anything . He's gotten more angry and is always in a bad mood, if I bring up his selling and his drug use he denies it and says he's just trying to make money
till he finds a job. He gets mad if I don't agree or don't understand him when he's acting erratic . He knows I go to naranon meetings weekly and I see a therapist and he feels guilty that I go but then asks me why I go to those things. He has regressed so much and is dealing with a custody battle for his kid and other things in his life. I just don't know what to do anymore, I love him, but I'm tired.. Tired of his yelling for no reason, tired of his erratic behavior and lies .. When he's sober he's great but when he's on heroin he's so mean. Any advice would be appreciated and helpful ..

incitingsilence

He was fired, he is in a custody battle and he is selling drugs.

He is picking fights, is moody and acting erratic.

And of course you don’t understand and don’t care if you don’t buy into the lies and the lines.

Seems as if he is showing you exactly who he is.

Best advice I can give you is to stop looking at his behavior and for his whys and start figuring out your own. Ask yourself the baited questions. Why do I keep taking him back? What am I getting out of this relationship? What am I afraid of and how is that driving my actions and reactions? Remove him, look at just you and find what you need and want from this life.

And the dealing, what a dangerous playground. I hope you don’t live with him.

Take good care of yourself.

Ann

Borgs, I agree with the above poster, he is what he is and he has made it clear what that encompasses. The big question here is what can you do to take better care of yourself and detach from such a toxic relationship...or risk going down with him.

Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could not one of us would be here.

Please take very good care of yourself, the pain of leaving a relationship with active addiction is great...the pain of staying is greater.

Hugs

borgs7

Thank you Incitingsilence and Ann , I appreciate your words of advice and kindness. I never would've thought I would be here at this point in my life. We don't live together , I don't give him
Money or anything like that, I just feel like I lost all my confidence . I used to be so strong and he's just so manipulative and sees nothing wrong with his life or is in denial .. We've broken up several times but he just come back and acts good for a bit but then goes back to his shady , lying ways . I'm tired a tired women ..

Sungrl

We've broken up several times but he just come back and acts good for a bit but then goes back to his shady , lying ways . I'm tired a tired women ..

That was my life for 4 and a half years. He is my X and I know he is still up to the same crap. Eventually you just get so removed from it, one day you just don't look back.

I hope you come to that conclusion soon. It's so draining. My X was the poster boy for shady liars. He led two lives.

borgs7

Thanks Sungrl, what made you decide or what was your final straw to leave and not look back, I leave but then look back a few days later when he calls or tries to come back .. ?

atalose

Going back to him is like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends.

At this point in time he doesn’t seem to have any qualities that benefit your life besides some words once in a while that you find nice to hear.

Try and work on building your self- esteem so that taking him back will never be an option. Work on building a positive reputation where you are not associated with someone selling drugs.

borgs7

Thank you atalose , You're right. don't see him
Often since I told him I don't want that type of life or be a part of it . He sees me when he's not at what he calls "work." I'm trying my best to rebuild my self again. I spent so much time with him before all this that i only have a few friends but they are always busy with their lives and families. I'm trying to make friends in my naranon meetings. I start teaching again Tuesday so
My hope is to meet new friends at my new school. It's just so sad how things have escalated and I've tried my best but I'm so tired .

Ann

Give it time, Borgs, it sounds like you are on a good track with your new teaching job.

It may hurt to leave but it hurts far more to stay. This way you will heal over time, I promise.

Hugs

atalose

I understand, been there myself it’s not easy. The ending it for good part is easy it’s the staying ended part that is the hardest.

I think once you finally make up your mind to cut all ties with this guy then put that into action you will gain a sense of power that propels you forward.

Keeping busy is key, it’s good you are going to meetings and open to meeting people. It’s also good you are going back to school and yes you will meet new people, give a chance.

It’s always in the beginning of when we start a new journey in life that it seems overwhelming but that storm pass’s to.

borgs7

Thanks Ann and Atalose!

I feel a sense of hope. He got mad at me just now because I won't go on a trip with him this weekend cause he has a "meeting" but won't tell
Me what it's about. I said I don't feel safe if you won't tell me and if you are getting this mad to tell me then I don't think it's a good idea. He proceeded to say I'm always mad but he still goes and does things with me. I said I'm tried of all the yelling . I can't do this and he hung up on me. I'm trying my best to stay positive . Thank you for all your kindness

zoso77

Well, I would wager you know what you should do, which is to kick his arse to the curb. The problem is that's an incredibly hard thing to do, and because you love him and have seen him clean, you hold on to those things in the hope he'll straighten himself out.

The chances that will happen are, unfortunately, quite low. Opiates never, ever let go without a fight. And that's why opiate addicts (and addicts in general) make poor romantic partners. They don't have anything to give because they're too busy indulging their worst impulses.

Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, but have to in order to protect ourselves. Doesn't mean it's easy. Doesn't mean we like doing it. It just means life sometimes is not fair. So we do what we have to do, and ride out the storm.

borgs7

Thank you Zoso. You are very right. He is wonderful sober but a nightmare when he's in active addiction . I never knew something so horrible like this could happen to anyone . I keeping hoping he will come to me and say I want to get clean or I hate being this way or at least admit he's doing it , but that doesn't look like it is and the reality is I don't want to change him cause that's not my job but loving him in active addiction is killing me . Appreciate you and everyone on this site . Reminds me that I have people who care and who know what I'm going through.

GardenMama

I am the parent of a recovering heroin addict, and don't know what it is like to have a romantic relationship with an addict, but I do know that the advice you've received here is spot on. It must be really hard to reconcile the sober person with the addict, just as it is for us parents, but it seems like all he is doing is making you feel sad and angry, and just as bad, his dealing could be putting you in harm's way in ways you may not even know about. Take care of YOURSELF!

Kindeyes

I left my AXH when the pain of staying with him became greater than the thought of living without him. Once I hit that point, there was no amount of begging, pleading, or promises of changed behavior that could alter my decision.

Take care of you.

JOIE12

people can become 'habits'. We don't like having to put the pieces back together without that piece anymore. But ... please accept that he is NOT the man you knew. NOW you know him as he is and probably always will be. Imagine your greatest fear and how you would feel if that was actually happening ... think about what YOU would like YOUR life to be like. Not a life lived as a punctuation mark at the end of someone else's story. Best to you. Been where you are and now, life is so much better. Hugs to you Joie