Charioteer

My wife was an addict for the entirety of our marriage. At first it was mellow, then she lost her job, started getting criminal citations, drained the accounts, pawned most of her jewelry, and everything spiraled off to hell. She's tried to kick a few times, tearfully promising that she would become "the woman you deserve," but it's never really taken hold for any meaningful period of time. She is the most fun, charismatic, charming person you could ever meet, and I love her as much as I have every loved any person, but at a certain point I'd had enough. I bailed.

She agreed to go to treatment. I came back and helped her work on it. I bought her wedding ring back from the pawn shop and gave it to her when she got out of the treatment center.

It was amazing. I had my wife back, the way I remembered her. Better, even.

Then it got bad again. Same sort of thing, more legal trouble, sold the ring again, and once again I bailed when I realized I wasn't going to change her. We don't have the money for her and her stepdaughter to move out of my apartment (they can't afford our rent with her not working), so I moved onto the couch and we agreed to coexist until she was ready to leave.

Well, something weird happened. She got sober cold turkey. She got a job. She's looking at apartments. She's pulling her life together. And we're having fun just hanging out, watching movies, etc. It's honestly been great, and it's hard not to get caught up in it because this is the woman I love and she's kicked the one thing on which I have blamed virtually all of our marital problems. I know it's only been a week, but that's the longest she's been sober in three years. Out of nowhere she looks like the woman I remember. It makes me miss her. It makes me weak. It makes me get my hopes up.

But even coexisting is bringing its own problems, and most of them involve anger from her or resentment from me. She's mad that we're completely broke until her job starts paying her; I think she knows its her fault, but it still sucks when you can't afford toilet paper. She also claims that I checked out of the relationship months ago, that I abandoned her, and that my loyalty was to my (super supportive) family instead of to my own wife. This accusation cuts me deep, and I argue with her on it, but I guess it's true to some degree. But I closed off to protect myself. How can you stay devoted when you have no idea where your wife is at two o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday night? How am I supposed to react when she's off hustling drugs while I take her daughter to the park? I can't be constantly responsible for making sure she's ok.

I'm not sure why I'm even talking about this, other than that it feels good to write it and have someone else read it, but it is really hard to try and deal with all of this. It just sucks knowing that the woman I loved so deeply doesn't see all of the things that I sacrificed to keep her and try and make her happy.

zoso77

Hey...

Let's pick this apart slowly.

By your own admission, she's been in active addiction for most of your marriage. Since this is true, then it stands to reason you really don't know her. The person you know is the person who's been using and abusing drugs for a considerable amount of time. Her core is unknown, both to you and to a large degree to herself, too. Take the drugs away, and what is there?

I've seen what you've described above more than once, both in my own situation with my AXGF, and with other guys who find their way to us. Girl stops using, starts looking better, starts behaving better...guy let's his guard down just a little bit...and then this --

This is a crock of sh!t. These are the words of someone who will not take responsibility for herself, for her choices, and for her life. What she's really saying is she expects you to stand by her no matter what her behavior is like, and screw the consequences to you.

You. Can't. Fix. Her.

Now, I realize I am being quite direct with you. But man, I've been around the block. I've seen this movie. I know how it ends. And it ain't pretty.

You do not need permission from her or from anyone to do what is necessary to maintain your sanity. And when it comes to maintaining your sanity, that sometimes requires making decisions we don't want to make.

She's a live wire, man. Pick her up, and she'll zap you.

anxiouswife2

i shook my head after i read your post.
i have been there, oh man have i been there.
a little glimpse of clean & sober & the person you used to know & its like your heart & your mind just latch on because hope is all you needed to know they're still in there. some sort of validation.

i hate to say it; but unless she's working some kind of program, and working it hard, it won't stay. i wouldn't stick around to let her let you down again. the drop never gets easier. if anything, the repetition makes it harder on YOU.

Charioteer

Thanks guys. It all blew to hell last night. I think she started using again, and then channeled the guilt/shame into rage at me. I was out with my brother and started getting the most hateful texts you can imagine... she was nuking the relationship on purpose, saying things that no person with any self-respect would ever be able to forgive. So that's a thing.

I told her to be out of my place by September 1. I'm staying on my mom's couch until then.

I'm 35 years old, soon to be divorced twice, living on my mom's couch like I'm home from college on summer vacation. It hurts in my guts like the worst hangover of all time, but there's nothing that can be done. I just have to let it go, move forward, and start healing.

I really appreciate all of you guys for being so supportive and helpful as I go through this. It's really good to know other people have been through the same thing and came out of it OK.

anxiouswife2

yikes - that was fast.
stick to what you know.

Also, this: Thanks guys. It all blew to hell last night. I think she started using again, and then channeled the guilt/shame into rage at me. I was out with my brother and started getting the most hateful texts you can imagine... she was nuking the relationship on purpose, saying things that no person with any self-respect would ever be able to forgive. So that's a thing.

I told her to be out of my place by September 1. I'm staying on my mom's couch until then.

I'm 35 years old, soon to be divorced twice, living on my mom's couch like I'm home from college on summer vacation. It hurts in my guts like the worst hangover of all time, but there's nothing that can be done. I just have to let it go, move forward, and start healing.

I feel you. i'm 27. however, back when i got married to the first person i met in my relationship (ha! i divorced a very different one) we were financially stable, pretty house, 2 cars, good jobs, a sweet baby girl.... the american dream, if you will. it got ripped out from underneath of me and i still don't think i've wrapped my brain around it. i feel like a college kid in a lot of ways too these days. except i'm a mom & i work full time... but the stability just isn't there for now.

for now. it will come. for you, too. but the common denominator for all the crazy & instability has to be removed, for good, first!

thinking of you!!

Charioteer

Thanks and good luck to you as well!

zoso77

And then, before you know it, she'll be begging you to take her back.

Push/pull, anyone?

ladyscribbler

Yep. Also don't be surprised if she starts rubbing a new relationship in your face once she realizes you actually mean to follow through. Sorry you're going through this, but it's temporary. September is only a few weeks away (not that I'm counting the days until school starts or anything, lol).
You may have to take legal action to get her out. Some places you have to give 30 days notice. Usually a certified letter does the trick, then it's not just your word against hers. You don't want to wait until September and then not be able to actually get her out of your place because of some legal loophole.

Eauchiche

I went by to see my mate one day last week. I hadn't seen him for a couple of months. It was a good visit, with him laughing and thoroughly engaged, just like old times. I hugged him and told him I missed him. He followed me out to my car like a puppy dog, like he didn't want me to leave.

He asked me to feed the animals the weekend while he went out of town.

I had to go by a couple of days later to get a house key from him. His fly was unzipped, hair disheveled and was generally obnoxious. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I couldn't believe the change.

When I went to feed the animals, I found a Christmas gift I gave him the first year we were together, thrown out in the garage with all the beer cans.

I think we codies get hooked into deals like this because of the adrenaline rush, and the drama.

Charioteer

Thanks so much guys. As another quick update she completely blew up on me on the phone yesterday, telling me I abandoned my family, left her and my stepdaughter heartbroken, she wishes she never met me, hates me forever, everything was a mistake and everything I ever said to her was crap and a lie. Even though I know that I did everything I could possibly to do make them happy and give them a good life, and I've never loved anything so much as I've loved them, it's still really, really hard to hear. The best way to describe the pain I'm feeling is by saying it's probably similar to when the samurai used to kill themselves with seppuku by cutting open their stomachs. It's hard to hear and it's harder to stay strong and do what's right for me instead of running home and fixing everything once again.

Sungrl

I worry about her daughter.

Charioteer

I do too. Her father is present and has her on the weekends.... he's not ideal, but he has a stable life, a house, a job, and a girlfriend who is very nice and put-together. The daughter will be OK, but I'd be lying if I said this wasn't something that made the entire situation so much worse. I packed up my stuff and moved out last night, and I left her a note saying I will always be her stepdad, and she should call me ANY time she wants to talk about anything. I'm not giving her up and will be there as much as her mom will allow me, but ultimately I can't stay together with AW for the sake of a child who isn't even mine. Even if the thought of leaving this situation eviscerates me.

Hawkeye13

I think you've made the right call.

I'd also listen to that advice to send the certified letter so you have eviction in motion now since it takes a lot of time to really get it done--
addicts tend to fall apart as you know and she might not bother to look for a place or be able to afford it if she keeps using.

BlackSabbath

Awww, I feel for you because you sound like a caring, compassionate guy.

Please don't allow her to destroy those great qualities. That's what will happen if you take her back. It's amazing how cunning the disease...it keeps us hooked by retreating every once in a while, then - BAM! - it returns with a vengeance and we get burned worse that the time before.

I'm going through something similar with my axbf. He has totally abandoned us - he knew I wasn't happy with his ****** behaviour. Instead of doing anything about it and actually admitting responsibility, he blames me for things. I don't want to live like that anymore. I got really bored with waiting for him to come home at 2am on a Wednesday (I dealt with that too), bored with him being a jerk to me and bored of being disappointed all the time. I'll always love him, but I need someone who's first love is our family and not coke or booze.

I hope you get bored with the addict's antics. You're selling yourself short if you stay with her because you deserve so much better! You deserve a person capable of having healthy relationships, and addicts don't even have healthy relationships with themselves so they sure as hell cant have one with anyone else.

Work on your own recovery and everything will fall into place as it should. Good luck to you

mnh1982

Oh, my friend.
Fear not.
I'm 33. I have a 9mo old son. I wrestle nightly with what to answer him when he finally is old enough to ask me where his daddy is. Or if his daddy loves him.

...or if his daddy loves ME.

exAH contributed exactly F*ck-All to our child and household financially. In an awesome (read: freaking horrible) twist of fate, I lost my job a month ago and am now borrowing money from a close friend just so I don't get evicted whilst searching for another job.

There are two deeply important things I've had to teach myself during this:

1. NONE OF THIS, zero, zip, zilch, has been "my fault".

2. Freaking out about it isn't going to help nor change anything. (Clearly, if freaking out were the magic that caused everything to go one's way, your wife would get her way all the time, no?)

Temper tantrums are most assuredly an addict's last resort when he/she realises you're not giving ground. My exAH is famous for them. I've been called every name in the book, scorned, condescended and yes, actually physically pushed around.

All because I refused to concede to whatever manipulative game it was he was playing at the time. Or, most of the time, because he was shocked and angry that I'd caught him lying, using, drinking or some combination of all three.

I, too, am in the process of getting divorced. I am also unemployed, raising a child completely alone, and have no idea where exAH even is, let alone HOW he is.

All of this to say, my friend, that you are most assuredly not alone, and that you will be able to push through this.

It will suck.
It already hurts.
Letting it go is the title of a disgustingly catchy Disney song, not a truly achievable emotional state. I don't believe for a second that we're meant to just "let go" of all that transpires between ourselves, our addicts, and addiction.

Don't "let it go". Do let it teach you.
Don't give up.
DO be gentle with yourself. If ever there is a day that you simply cannot fathom leaving the house, then don't.

I always tell my friends, no matter what htey're struggling with: you get 72 hours to wallow. And then you get to get up, take a shower, and face the day.

Here's to your 72 to hours of just taking care of YOU.
And after that...well...
GTF Up and keep on keepin' on.

Charioteer

Thanks guys. I've been living at my Mom's for a week now, and the more I stay away the more I'm convinced this is the right thing to do. I saw her a few days ago because we needed to get something at the car dealership (the car title is in my name), and she looked like she was still staying sober. She told me all the right things, how she regretted what she'd done, how she understood why I'd left, and all that, but honestly at this point I'm convinced that even if she stayed sober forever I still wouldn't be able to get past everything that happened.

Is that a common thing? It's like, I know it's only been a short-term sobriety, but I've finally got what I've been asking for.... and it's still not enough. And that sucks.

mnh1982

In my opinion/experience, it's not at all common for people to understand what you've come to understand:

That no matter what your addict says nor does, nor how those two things match up in the future, you will not trust her again. You will not believe what she's saying and you will always have that needling worry that there's something going on under the surface.

It's been my experience that people, out of love, or willful ignorance, or exhaustion, or all three, most often return to their addict, helping him/her, etc. because they want so badly to believe that "everything's changed" that they become convinced that the change is real and permanent.

I used to be that same person.

I'm the same as you, now.
I miss my husband. Right now I'm bus smoking salmon on the grill, which we used to do together. The baby is on the verge of walking and his father should be here to see him.

But I know now that I cannot go back to the hell that was living with the constant uncertainty. With the constant knowledge that it was not IF the other shoe dropped, it was WHEN.

I'm proud of you for realising that very same thing. Trust me, it is going to be a different kind of hard for you to stick to your guns when it comes to staying away from her. But in the end, it's what's best.

I think you already know that.

Charioteer

God, thanks so much for this mnh... it's exactly what I needed to hear. I saw her again last night because we needed to talk over a few logistical things with her moving out of the house, so we met up at a bar by my old place. I was expecting it to be brutal, but it was the opposite. We had fun, we laughed, we had a few drinks, we played a couple games of pool, and she told me she understood why I was ending it. She said that even though every part of her wanted to fight to keep me, she also that she didn't want me to stay just for her, and that I needed to choose what I wanted and own my decision. She was sober, lucid, charming, witty and beautiful. I left there with a big smile, feeling like I'd been on a date with the girl I'd fallen in love with three years ago.

I hate this disease. I hate that it gives hope to hopeless romantics. It makes it so hard to stay strong.

But ultimately you are right. Having a fun date-like evening is one thing; being married to it is something else entirely. Every time she'd be late getting home from work, every time she made plans with "friends", every time she was "a little short" of cash at the grocery store... I'd go in to full codependent detective mode, terrified that this was the beginning of something more intense. It tears me up, and I know it's not fair to me OR her, but it's the truth.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I hate it.

mnh1982

And that's the crux of the entire situation.

No matter for how long, nor how diligently she (or you!) were on a straight, sober, seemingly happy path, the second something seemed even slightly off, you would be catapulted straight back into that horrible, relentless, feverish need to find out what was "going on".

Chances are, she was sober when you went to the bar to prove a point. My exAH swore up & down every time that I allowed him to come home for a weekend, or even longer, that he hadn't been on anything, or drinking. He would make it a point of pouring me a glass of wine, but not have one himself.

That didn't change the fact that once he got comfortable back at home, which took mere days, that once again he would disappear overnight. Or his attitude would sour and he would refuse to get out of bed.

Those few days, or a week, or a couple of weeks of relatively few hiccups would give way, eventually, to a whole new kind of crazy-not his, but mine.

It was not worth it.
This kind of heartache-which happens any time one breaks up with someone,t o some extent, I can handle, and so can you.

You just have to believe that you can.