Still hurting.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Still hurting.
This is my first post ever. I left my boyfriend of 9yrs once again. This time I moved out of state because I knew I would go back. It has been a year now. We had some contact. I went back and seen him once. I am 46 and no children together but we share many friends. Lies,cheating and verbal abuse. So why can't I stop thinking and wanting him? Why am I jealous of his new g.friend? I have all the facts and he will never change. Why is he the love of my life? I get so mad at myself because it sounds so stupid to feel this way for someone who hurt me so. I blocked calls,text, and face book. Blocked email also but it goes into my trash bin. Yes I still read it and just yesterday he sent one saying he is sad and . ugh. I could go on and on...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
I have been talking to a friend of mine about this kind of thing and I have read up about it a lot. It has been a part of my life. I think if we confuse good love with bad love and pain, we start missing the pain because it is a part of love as we have come to know it. Abuse starts to feel like home and who doesn't want home sweet home?
I am reminded of a story Sen. John McCain told about his days of captivity in North Vietnam. If his torturers didn't come in that day, or were late, he missed them.
Our brains are mysterious things and do not do so well, like errant children, in the absence of "adult supervision." We have to be our own adults and know when to turn the channel to a better "show" no matter how many times we have to turn the channel again and again.
Our minds often don't know what's best for us, if they are left to just run amok there between our ears. Sometimes we become obsessed with fixing the unfixable.
I want things to be right with my Dad, every day of my life, even though he has been dead for over ten years. I think we need to make conscious decisions about these things and just call what is not good for us that is going on up there "noise", like a dog barking next door. We just tune it out. It might be hard, but tune it out we must to have any peace and to move on.
It is so easy for us to get tangled up in our own pasts and not let it go, even after we have made a conscious decision to do just that. At that point, it just takes a lot of self-discipline to think what we "choose" to think and just ignore the rest.
I am reminded of a story Sen. John McCain told about his days of captivity in North Vietnam. If his torturers didn't come in that day, or were late, he missed them.
Our brains are mysterious things and do not do so well, like errant children, in the absence of "adult supervision." We have to be our own adults and know when to turn the channel to a better "show" no matter how many times we have to turn the channel again and again.
Our minds often don't know what's best for us, if they are left to just run amok there between our ears. Sometimes we become obsessed with fixing the unfixable.
I want things to be right with my Dad, every day of my life, even though he has been dead for over ten years. I think we need to make conscious decisions about these things and just call what is not good for us that is going on up there "noise", like a dog barking next door. We just tune it out. It might be hard, but tune it out we must to have any peace and to move on.
It is so easy for us to get tangled up in our own pasts and not let it go, even after we have made a conscious decision to do just that. At that point, it just takes a lot of self-discipline to think what we "choose" to think and just ignore the rest.
The Why Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Mylissa 
This is my first post ever. I left my boyfriend of 9yrs once again. This time I moved out of state because I knew I would go back. It has been a year now. We had some contact. I went back and seen him once. I am 46 and no children together but we share many friends. Lies,cheating and verbal abuse. So why can't I stop thinking and wanting him? Why am I jealous of his new g.friend? I have all the facts and he will never change. Why is he the love of my life? I get so mad at myself because it sounds so stupid to feel this way for someone who hurt me so. I blocked calls,text, and face book. Blocked email also but it goes into my trash bin. Yes I still read it and just yesterday he sent one saying he is sad and . ugh. I could go on and on...
If you changed this from "boyfriend" to "alcohol" it would sound a lot like many of our experiences with drinking.
I wonder if he is the "love of your life" or simply the focus of your unhealthy addiction.
Do you have access to a good counselor? It sounds to me like you might benefit from talking with someone who is qualified to help you explore what lies beneath your attachment to this person who is clearly not healthy for you.
Welcome.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
We can become addicted to people the same as drugs, alcohol, or food. It was only when I turned my focus on building the strongest and healthiest relationship I could have with myself that I was capable of finding and maintaining a healthy relationship with someone else.
Until then, I was always looking for someone else to validate me, to make me feel "good enough", to share that Hollywood fantasy of someone "completing me" with, to heal the wounds my childhood left me with. It took me a long time to figure out that the only person who would ever be able to do all of that was me, and it wasn't easy to get there, but it was worth every hour and every tear.
Sending you strength and courage to take care of yourself.
Until then, I was always looking for someone else to validate me, to make me feel "good enough", to share that Hollywood fantasy of someone "completing me" with, to heal the wounds my childhood left me with. It took me a long time to figure out that the only person who would ever be able to do all of that was me, and it wasn't easy to get there, but it was worth every hour and every tear.
Sending you strength and courage to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It was only when I turned my focus on building the strongest and healthiest relationship I could have with myself that I was capable of finding and maintaining a healthy relationship with someone else.
Until then, I was always looking for someone else to validate me, to make me feel "good enough", to share that Hollywood fantasy of someone "completing me" with, to heal the wounds my childhood left me with. It took me a long time to figure out that the only person who would ever be able to do all of that was me, and it wasn't easy to get there, but it was worth every hour and every tear.
Sending you strength and courage to take care of yourself.
Until then, I was always looking for someone else to validate me, to make me feel "good enough", to share that Hollywood fantasy of someone "completing me" with, to heal the wounds my childhood left me with. It took me a long time to figure out that the only person who would ever be able to do all of that was me, and it wasn't easy to get there, but it was worth every hour and every tear.
Sending you strength and courage to take care of yourself.
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