My update - Inspired by LTD
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
My update - Inspired by LTD
I don't know if many of you will remember me; but this site but it was my lifeline for a few years. I read more than I shared - but I read, and read, and read. There were so many wise contributors; and I felt a special connection to one going by the name LaTeeDa - aka LTD. Our lives, our situations, our recovery seemed on the same trajectory; and I longed for the day I would have my **** together even half as well as she did. 
I see she visited and gave an update recently.... I feel inspired to share my update as well. But first, my history. In 2007 I split from my husband of almost 25 years. I was shocked to discover his alcoholism - it hit me as I imagine the news of an affair would have hit. Discovering my role as enabler and codependent was the silver lining. I dedicated myself to recovery, and kept moving through the pain inspired by LTD and others on this site.
Everything that has happened in my life since then has seemed like a test of my recovery skills. I think that is how life is supposed to be, actually - a journey of self discovery. It is so amazing to me how much life I was missing and would still be missing; if I was afraid of change, and determined to control my world and those around me....
After my divorce I struggled in the dating world. Was "lucky" enough to learn some painful lessons -- but determined to learn from them; and understand how I was attracting and inviting things into my life.
In 2009 I met a man who I now call my husband. We have had our struggles, and we honor and respect each other enough to work it out. I truly see the difference in a relationship when both people are committed and willing to work on it. In my marriage - I was the only one working. I felt like a failure because the marriage didn't work ... but I couldn't have saved it by myself; and I can see very clearly now that I was the only one making any effort.
Well, life being the ongoing classroom that it is... I learned that enabling and codependency are also toxic in a work environment. I was Ms. Perfect of the office --- always taking on more workload and afraid to speak up. Then when I did speak up "why won't those idiots listen to me-- don't they know I know best??" Then - extreme resentment, anger, and burn-out.
I started making an exit plan a few years ago - when I bought my first investment property. It was just a small foreclosed house down the street from where I lived. I borrowed money from my 401K for the down payment. My husband (then my boyfriend) and I fixed it up and rented it out. I had found my calling; or maybe I should say "we". We have a portfolio of 5 properties - and we have survived the pressure of working side by side into the wee hours of the morning to get a property ready for tenants by the date we were sure would "not be a problem"..
In fact, we loved the real estate world so much we became agents last year. We are growing that business; and have received some awards for our production so far this year.
While my husband and I work side by side - we have structured our business relationship so that if our personal relationship should happen to fall apart - we would each still be able to continue our investment properties and real estate separately. My husband was concerned about my insistence on this. I was ultimately the bread-winner in my first marriage - that kept me trapped in the marriage just as much as if I was financially dependent on him. With financial independence both parties know they could leave at any time -- so no one is staying out of "guilt" or "need". You are with that person because you "want" to be there......
And finally - earlier this spring I implemented the last step of the exit plan and quit my job. I had intended to stay a few more months - but after one particularly brutal managers meeting - I typed up my resignation letter and handed it to my boss with a smile on my face. Still smiling.... although I agreed to stay on part time to get the company through the fiscal year end.
And - this has been a struggle. I have been trying to navigate between rescuing and being stubbornly obstanate. I felt at times unappreciated and wondering why I had stayed for so long - because clearly they didn't need me as much as I thought the did (rewind to how I felt when I left my alcoholic husband). But - I got this message from my replacement today which made me smile "I have such immense respect for what you were able to accomplish".
And - whenever I have feelings that remind me of how I felt when I left my husband - I know that there is a lesson to be learned - and some personal growth to occur.
I see she visited and gave an update recently.... I feel inspired to share my update as well. But first, my history. In 2007 I split from my husband of almost 25 years. I was shocked to discover his alcoholism - it hit me as I imagine the news of an affair would have hit. Discovering my role as enabler and codependent was the silver lining. I dedicated myself to recovery, and kept moving through the pain inspired by LTD and others on this site.
Everything that has happened in my life since then has seemed like a test of my recovery skills. I think that is how life is supposed to be, actually - a journey of self discovery. It is so amazing to me how much life I was missing and would still be missing; if I was afraid of change, and determined to control my world and those around me....
After my divorce I struggled in the dating world. Was "lucky" enough to learn some painful lessons -- but determined to learn from them; and understand how I was attracting and inviting things into my life.
In 2009 I met a man who I now call my husband. We have had our struggles, and we honor and respect each other enough to work it out. I truly see the difference in a relationship when both people are committed and willing to work on it. In my marriage - I was the only one working. I felt like a failure because the marriage didn't work ... but I couldn't have saved it by myself; and I can see very clearly now that I was the only one making any effort.
Well, life being the ongoing classroom that it is... I learned that enabling and codependency are also toxic in a work environment. I was Ms. Perfect of the office --- always taking on more workload and afraid to speak up. Then when I did speak up "why won't those idiots listen to me-- don't they know I know best??" Then - extreme resentment, anger, and burn-out.
I started making an exit plan a few years ago - when I bought my first investment property. It was just a small foreclosed house down the street from where I lived. I borrowed money from my 401K for the down payment. My husband (then my boyfriend) and I fixed it up and rented it out. I had found my calling; or maybe I should say "we". We have a portfolio of 5 properties - and we have survived the pressure of working side by side into the wee hours of the morning to get a property ready for tenants by the date we were sure would "not be a problem"..
In fact, we loved the real estate world so much we became agents last year. We are growing that business; and have received some awards for our production so far this year.
While my husband and I work side by side - we have structured our business relationship so that if our personal relationship should happen to fall apart - we would each still be able to continue our investment properties and real estate separately. My husband was concerned about my insistence on this. I was ultimately the bread-winner in my first marriage - that kept me trapped in the marriage just as much as if I was financially dependent on him. With financial independence both parties know they could leave at any time -- so no one is staying out of "guilt" or "need". You are with that person because you "want" to be there......
And finally - earlier this spring I implemented the last step of the exit plan and quit my job. I had intended to stay a few more months - but after one particularly brutal managers meeting - I typed up my resignation letter and handed it to my boss with a smile on my face. Still smiling.... although I agreed to stay on part time to get the company through the fiscal year end.
And - this has been a struggle. I have been trying to navigate between rescuing and being stubbornly obstanate. I felt at times unappreciated and wondering why I had stayed for so long - because clearly they didn't need me as much as I thought the did (rewind to how I felt when I left my alcoholic husband). But - I got this message from my replacement today which made me smile "I have such immense respect for what you were able to accomplish".
And - whenever I have feelings that remind me of how I felt when I left my husband - I know that there is a lesson to be learned - and some personal growth to occur.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Wow! Thank you for that wonderful update! I am so happy for you. Your hard work and dedication to your recovery and discovery have paid off.
Yours is truly a success story and inspiration. Thank you for sharing in such articulate details.
Yours is truly a success story and inspiration. Thank you for sharing in such articulate details.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What a terrific update! It's gratifying to know I inspired you. This site is truly the definition of "pay it forward!" I was inspired by many others who came before me, and I see so many inspiring those who are new to the site and beginning their own journey. I remember how comforting it was to read other stories and find out that my own pain was not so unique after all.
Kudos to you for keeping your business and finances separate from your romance. You are a wise woman.
And yes, yes, YES to this:
Here's to the ongoing and never-ending journey of self-discovery!
L
Kudos to you for keeping your business and finances separate from your romance. You are a wise woman.
And yes, yes, YES to this:
Everything that has happened in my life since then has seemed like a test of my recovery skills. I think that is how life is supposed to be, actually - a journey of self discovery. It is so amazing to me how much life I was missing and would still be missing; if I was afraid of change, and determined to control my world and those around me....
L
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