Newly sober boyfriend is very distant/different
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 5
Newly sober boyfriend is very distant/different
Hi all - been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months and have only know him as a drinker. He never treated me bad and was very loving, doting and un-filtered about his future with me. I, ofcourse, fell for everything being in love and blind about it. He's about 3 weeks sober and is VERY different, a complete stranger really. He rarely says he loves me, i always initiate contact with him, he doesn't sleep over anymore. Very distant and cold. I am trying to be patient but am a loss and feeling neglected. Was he truthful about his love for me when he was drinking? And what's going on in his head? Thanks so much!!!!
Cj
Cj
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome to the forums. I'm afraid only he knows what's going on in his head. What does he tell you?
Early sobriety is difficult for both the drinker and the loved ones. Only you can decide how much you are able to accept from him, and what you need for a relationship.
Early sobriety is difficult for both the drinker and the loved ones. Only you can decide how much you are able to accept from him, and what you need for a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
I can really only speak from the other side of the table here, but he may just need a lot of space and time to figure out who he is after drinking. When I have quit I always feel very out of sorts. My personality has grown to rely on the drink and without it I feel overwhelmed by emotions and moods I'd been suppressing or modifying with alcohol.
He may be protecting you from what may be a real struggle on his part. He may feel really vulnerable and is protecting himself from any stress that tends to arise from time to time in any relationship.
I know in my early days of sobriety I withdraw from the world to minimize any stress, temptation or conflict. Give him time. Give him space. Give him support.
He may be protecting you from what may be a real struggle on his part. He may feel really vulnerable and is protecting himself from any stress that tends to arise from time to time in any relationship.
I know in my early days of sobriety I withdraw from the world to minimize any stress, temptation or conflict. Give him time. Give him space. Give him support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 5
I am not a drinker - never have been. I have been with him through 2 stints in rehab and love him unconditionally. Feels like I have lived a lifetime with him in just 9 months.
I don't want to feel needy or smother him. I want to support him but he's isolating himself. How do I not scare him away or become a trigger for him to drink again?
I don't want to feel needy or smother him. I want to support him but he's isolating himself. How do I not scare him away or become a trigger for him to drink again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 5
A hobby might work although I have two small children and am pretty busy with them most of the day. I am afraid he doesn't want to be with me anymore but doesn't want to hurt me so he's slowly fading away. I know only time will tell what will happen right?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Unfortunately yes. You deserve to know where things stand but they may stand in genuine uncertainty. Take care of yourself, but try not to push too hard if he can't give you an answer.
If the uncertainty is too painful it may be easier on you to step back from it for a while anyway.
Easy for me to say, I'm sorry you're going through this.
If the uncertainty is too painful it may be easier on you to step back from it for a while anyway.
Easy for me to say, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 481
Hi, your post reminded me of when I stopped drinking. This is something I posted at about 2 weeks sober, when I was unsure about my relationship:
At the time I really just wanted to be left alone, my sex drive/motivation was very low and everything just looked a bit grey. I wouldn't take it personally. He will have ups and downs.
I try to find esteem from romantic relationships, friendships and hobbies. Take the first one away, and you take away a big part of myself. And hurting her like that is painful to me because it's painful to her.
On the other hand, she drives me crazy. My feelings fluctuate. She's too demanding, I'm not emotionally available. We're opposites. I'm not as attracted to her as when we first met. I feel blunt. I hope that by continuing to nurture the relationship it will grow into something greater, but do they ever?
Without her is no better anyway. Without her is alcohol and women that are less caring, less beautiful. But they're different. Exciting. This is the most tempting path, but the worst one of all. More quick highs that only leave you feeling worse.
On the other hand, she drives me crazy. My feelings fluctuate. She's too demanding, I'm not emotionally available. We're opposites. I'm not as attracted to her as when we first met. I feel blunt. I hope that by continuing to nurture the relationship it will grow into something greater, but do they ever?
Without her is no better anyway. Without her is alcohol and women that are less caring, less beautiful. But they're different. Exciting. This is the most tempting path, but the worst one of all. More quick highs that only leave you feeling worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I agree, and know that I was very distant as well in early recovery, and still am compared with my old drunk self.
Have you thought about going along to an Al Anon meeting so you can get face to face support from others who have been through what you are going through now? Also, is your partner getting some kind of support? (Smart, AA or similar).
Anyway - I wouldn't take things personally. He's kind of rediscovering himself at the moment, and the world seems a different (and scary) place without his old crutch alcohol to support him. He's finding his sober balance, and can only do that for himself, but knowing you're there for him will be helping no doubt.
Have you thought about going along to an Al Anon meeting so you can get face to face support from others who have been through what you are going through now? Also, is your partner getting some kind of support? (Smart, AA or similar).
Anyway - I wouldn't take things personally. He's kind of rediscovering himself at the moment, and the world seems a different (and scary) place without his old crutch alcohol to support him. He's finding his sober balance, and can only do that for himself, but knowing you're there for him will be helping no doubt.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi and welcome Cj5757 
Like everyone else has said early recovery is rough both on the alcoholic/addict and their loved ones.
Have you tried talking to him about this?
You will find support here too
D
Like everyone else has said early recovery is rough both on the alcoholic/addict and their loved ones.
Have you tried talking to him about this?
You will find support here too
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Im only day 6 into recovery and I agree with others there is a part of me which wants to be left alone if I could disapear for a few days and find myself again I would. Your bf is probably doing a lot of reflection and soul searching and finding himself again... i know Ive been feeling the same. He is very very lucky to have you supporting him and standing by his side. Its not personal hun, have a chat with him say you recognise that he needs time to adjust and reassure him you are and will always be there if he wants to talk or whatever x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
Hi cj! I just wanted to let you know that I'm very new into sobriety. Day 2. That being said, I was really quiet yesterday and don't really talk to my husband. He asked me if I was unhappy with him...I told him I'm just trying to not drink.
Personally, I have a lot of reflecting to do. It's not that I don't want to talk to my husband. I have have a lot on my mind. That may be true for your boyfriend as well.
Personally, I have a lot of reflecting to do. It's not that I don't want to talk to my husband. I have have a lot on my mind. That may be true for your boyfriend as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
I went through this- except it was me who was distant. It is going to take a while to get your brain and body back to its regular chemical balance. It could take many months but you might see signs of improvement before that. Doesnt hurt to sit down and talk to him, he could be wanting to talk but might think you dont want to be bothered with this yet again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Cj5757 
Hi all - been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months and have only know him as a drinker. He never treated me bad and was very loving, doting and un-filtered about his future with me. I, ofcourse, fell for everything being in love and blind about it. He's about 3 weeks sober and is VERY different, a complete stranger really. He rarely says he loves me, i always initiate contact with him, he doesn't sleep over anymore. Very distant and cold. I am trying to be patient but am a loss and feeling neglected. Was he truthful about his love for me when he was drinking? And what's going on in his head? Thanks so much!!!!
Cj
Cj
Probably a lot going on with his emotions as well.
When we choose sobriety after a life of addiction, we must go through a period of self-discovery, reinvention, growth. This most often is a difficult, frequently-painful, confusing time. It can be really hard to be fully present in a relationship when we're trying to be fully present even with ourselves - indeed even to figure out who our selves even ARE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone!! He is going to an IOP (intensive outpatient program) 3 times a week. He's been a drinker for about 30 years of his life so its a massive adjustment. I think I just had some expectations of what was going to happen once he became sober.
He called me last night and we talked on the phone for 2 hours so I give that a good sign. I will be patient and wait for him to figure things out.
Thanks for the reassurance that this is all normal!
He called me last night and we talked on the phone for 2 hours so I give that a good sign. I will be patient and wait for him to figure things out.
Thanks for the reassurance that this is all normal!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
