so pissed off.
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so pissed off.
So, I’m the one that posted FREAKING OUT about my ex-husband coming from inpatient treatment.
He was gone for 100+ days & towards the end had reached out several times demanding that I give him another chance, that he had fixed the main “problem” & that he expected to be able to parent and possibly reconcile our marriage when he got back.
Long story short – he came back at the beginning of June. I held my breath – terrified of who was getting off that plane.
He signed over physical and legal custody with a very long, three week back and forth argument but finally agreed with much pushing from his own family that he needed to focus on himself and could resume a custody battle later, when he has a leg to stand on. Although we agonized over deciding on one visit per week, supervised.
Literally discussed it for weeks before we came to that (somewhat) amicable decision.
Divorce was similar, his mom actually said – “let that poor girl off the hook, already.”
Divorce is finalized. Custody too. Child support is filed but sporadic, as I expected.
I never wanted to get in the way of my daughter having a relationship with her father.
I knew it would be limited as he’s proven he cannot be trusted, but I thought that few hours one day a week would be what they both needed.
That man has not taken his visitation ONE TIME. Never asked, never called. When my daughter (in tears, usually) asks to call her dad, we call. No answer.
No text returned.
Never asked, “how is she?” after not seeing her since Christmas.
It’s almost August.
I don’t know how he sleeps at night. I thought I was doing so well in my own personal recovery from him and the fall out of everything he created.
Some days I feel like im right back to the beginning. I’m pissed off and bitter. How dare you wake up every morning and pretend you don’t have a child that misses you and has suffered more than the 2 of us put together.
How dare you go on with your life and never once acknowledge that she is hurting and deserves more than this.
Thank you for letting me vent, as always. I need a way to get some anger out. I am so wound tight these days & back to not sleeping at night.
It’s no way to live.
I hate him.
He was gone for 100+ days & towards the end had reached out several times demanding that I give him another chance, that he had fixed the main “problem” & that he expected to be able to parent and possibly reconcile our marriage when he got back.
Long story short – he came back at the beginning of June. I held my breath – terrified of who was getting off that plane.
He signed over physical and legal custody with a very long, three week back and forth argument but finally agreed with much pushing from his own family that he needed to focus on himself and could resume a custody battle later, when he has a leg to stand on. Although we agonized over deciding on one visit per week, supervised.
Literally discussed it for weeks before we came to that (somewhat) amicable decision.
Divorce was similar, his mom actually said – “let that poor girl off the hook, already.”
Divorce is finalized. Custody too. Child support is filed but sporadic, as I expected.
I never wanted to get in the way of my daughter having a relationship with her father.
I knew it would be limited as he’s proven he cannot be trusted, but I thought that few hours one day a week would be what they both needed.
That man has not taken his visitation ONE TIME. Never asked, never called. When my daughter (in tears, usually) asks to call her dad, we call. No answer.
No text returned.
Never asked, “how is she?” after not seeing her since Christmas.
It’s almost August.
I don’t know how he sleeps at night. I thought I was doing so well in my own personal recovery from him and the fall out of everything he created.
Some days I feel like im right back to the beginning. I’m pissed off and bitter. How dare you wake up every morning and pretend you don’t have a child that misses you and has suffered more than the 2 of us put together.
How dare you go on with your life and never once acknowledge that she is hurting and deserves more than this.
Thank you for letting me vent, as always. I need a way to get some anger out. I am so wound tight these days & back to not sleeping at night.
It’s no way to live.
I hate him.
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I don’t know how he sleeps at night. I thought I was doing so well in my own personal recovery from him and the fall out of everything he created.
Some days I feel like im right back to the beginning. I’m pissed off and bitter. How dare you wake up every morning and pretend you don’t have a child that misses you and has suffered more than the 2 of us put together.
How dare you go on with your life and never once acknowledge that she is hurting and deserves more than this.
Some days I feel like im right back to the beginning. I’m pissed off and bitter. How dare you wake up every morning and pretend you don’t have a child that misses you and has suffered more than the 2 of us put together.
How dare you go on with your life and never once acknowledge that she is hurting and deserves more than this.
As for you, I get it. You're p!ssed off, and with good reason. So allow yourself X amount of time to be angry, and then slowly starve that beast. That's for your own good, and for the good of your daughter.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
A- I am so sorry. We all feel that we got screwed marrying an A. I have reached out so many times to the Alcoholic forum and asked them. Not that it makes things any better, but here is what they have said to me. I keep these comments because I can't comprehend choosing an addiction of people, and need to remind myself where the addict comes from.
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real.
I don't doubt at all that he loves you. and loves you a friggen lot too i bet. But alcoholics have a total opposite side too that really seriously means no harm to others. In my case it was NEVER my intention to cause anyone else any ill or harm or cause any problems what so ever. The negative aspects of my alcoholism where a bi product of my alcoholism not a bi product of who I was by any means. I doubt he sets out to make your life miserable. But alcohol does twisted stuff to our minds but even then in my case anyhow I never intended any bad stuff to happen. it was a bi product and a bi product only. I hope that makes sense.
His behavior is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally. The ONLY way to break the ever spiraling situation is to stop drinking immediately and never drink again. Then with time we can learn to see straight again, think rationally again and eventually rebuild our lives.
When I was deep in my drinking/using, I was completely delusional in my thinking and actions and behaviors, and my continual attempts at justification ranged from plausible to absurd....but I could not see any of it.
In my drinking days, alcoholism had bankrupted me, as a person.
See so he is not choosing to be "crazy" is is just part of the disease. Hugs my friend!!
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real.
I don't doubt at all that he loves you. and loves you a friggen lot too i bet. But alcoholics have a total opposite side too that really seriously means no harm to others. In my case it was NEVER my intention to cause anyone else any ill or harm or cause any problems what so ever. The negative aspects of my alcoholism where a bi product of my alcoholism not a bi product of who I was by any means. I doubt he sets out to make your life miserable. But alcohol does twisted stuff to our minds but even then in my case anyhow I never intended any bad stuff to happen. it was a bi product and a bi product only. I hope that makes sense.
His behavior is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally. The ONLY way to break the ever spiraling situation is to stop drinking immediately and never drink again. Then with time we can learn to see straight again, think rationally again and eventually rebuild our lives.
When I was deep in my drinking/using, I was completely delusional in my thinking and actions and behaviors, and my continual attempts at justification ranged from plausible to absurd....but I could not see any of it.
In my drinking days, alcoholism had bankrupted me, as a person.
See so he is not choosing to be "crazy" is is just part of the disease. Hugs my friend!!
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anxiouswife2,
I don't blame you... Its easy to hate someone who hurts our child like that, especially someone who is supposed to love and protect that child.
I am so sorry. I can imagine how eaten up with anger you must be.
I am glad she has a loving momma to soothe her and help her through this.
I don't blame you... Its easy to hate someone who hurts our child like that, especially someone who is supposed to love and protect that child.
I am so sorry. I can imagine how eaten up with anger you must be.
I am glad she has a loving momma to soothe her and help her through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Refiner,
Most every alcoholic has hurt someone in some way because of what the alcohol does to their brain. You don't recognize what you are doing till you have gotten sober and worked a program. Then the light bulb goes off.
Yes all these people have worked a program. But I pray that my XAH might find sobriety, and might acknowledge that his brain just wasn't working right when he was in his addiction. I have to believe and have hope that my X might find that serenity. I have to believe that if he was sober, that he would never do the things he has done to me.
Its called working our program and losing the anger, and almost finding compassion for our love ones who are sick. Some one on the Alcoholic forum said to me once that when you have so much anger towards someone, pray for them. Because anger only hurts me, not them, if you can't let it go, it will eat you alive. I was a raging bxtch when I was married for the last 20 years. I will never let anyone control me again, that way. Pray and release your anger, or will never move forward!!
Hugs my friend!!
Most every alcoholic has hurt someone in some way because of what the alcohol does to their brain. You don't recognize what you are doing till you have gotten sober and worked a program. Then the light bulb goes off.
Yes all these people have worked a program. But I pray that my XAH might find sobriety, and might acknowledge that his brain just wasn't working right when he was in his addiction. I have to believe and have hope that my X might find that serenity. I have to believe that if he was sober, that he would never do the things he has done to me.
Its called working our program and losing the anger, and almost finding compassion for our love ones who are sick. Some one on the Alcoholic forum said to me once that when you have so much anger towards someone, pray for them. Because anger only hurts me, not them, if you can't let it go, it will eat you alive. I was a raging bxtch when I was married for the last 20 years. I will never let anyone control me again, that way. Pray and release your anger, or will never move forward!!
Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
I guess I had some of those old hopes that everyone's guilty of when they're dealing with an addict. I thought if you take the drug out of the equation, the things that used to be important AKA YOUR CHILDREN would be come important again.
I've heard time & time again that "recovery is selfish, too." and although i dont know that his absence can be contributed to that, it helps but it doesnt.
there is enough damage done. he could start NOW to be a steady presence in her life. he could make it very clear to her that all the time that has gone by has hurt him too, and show up.
and for very selfish reasons - juggling a home, a full time job & being a mommy is just freaking hard sometimes. when she's sick or I'm sick or we don't get home til 9pm because I'm cramming a days worth of errands into a few hours after work - i want to call & tell him exactly how mad i am. I never do - but i do have a few emails saved that have never been sent. that's how i get it out these days.
I am trying to find peace, i know being so angry isn't healthy but i also know enough to know i need to embrace it for a bit & not pretend I'm wishing him the best.
I've heard time & time again that "recovery is selfish, too." and although i dont know that his absence can be contributed to that, it helps but it doesnt.
there is enough damage done. he could start NOW to be a steady presence in her life. he could make it very clear to her that all the time that has gone by has hurt him too, and show up.
and for very selfish reasons - juggling a home, a full time job & being a mommy is just freaking hard sometimes. when she's sick or I'm sick or we don't get home til 9pm because I'm cramming a days worth of errands into a few hours after work - i want to call & tell him exactly how mad i am. I never do - but i do have a few emails saved that have never been sent. that's how i get it out these days.
I am trying to find peace, i know being so angry isn't healthy but i also know enough to know i need to embrace it for a bit & not pretend I'm wishing him the best.
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Originally Posted by maia1234 
Refiner,
Most every alcoholic has hurt someone in some way because of what the alcohol does to their brain. You don't recognize what you are doing till you have gotten sober and worked a program. Then the light bulb goes off.
Most every alcoholic has hurt someone in some way because of what the alcohol does to their brain. You don't recognize what you are doing till you have gotten sober and worked a program. Then the light bulb goes off.
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Hey beautiful.
Let yourself be angry. That's all I have to say about it.
Attempting to suppress that anger, which is a true & authentic emotion, or attempting to suppress ANY emotion is a huge, huge factor in how your addict, & mine, & everyone else's, ended up the way they are.
The Bandaid is going to get ripped off here & there. There will be other instances & reminders of just how selfish, manipulative, & neglectful your exAH is, direct or indirect.
My son is now 9mos old. He has had good, consistent contact with his father for maybe 3mos of that time, which he won't remember.
I have had, painfully, to acknowledge that exAH never has been & never will be the one who has trouble sleeping at night, because he is incapable of puttig another person before himself. It is beyond him.
It makes it easier for me, because at the end of the day, I can feel some measure of pity for him that he won't be able to enjoy or absorb our son as the great gift that he is. Just like he couldn't enjoy or appreciate me as his wife.
Get angry, then go do something about it. For example, I highly recommend running while listening to angry white boy music.
Then come home, make yourself & your child something good to eat & let it the eff go.
Until the next time.
Then wash, rinse, repeat.
Because it's never authentic nor healthy to deny those emotions.
But neither is it to dwell.
Let yourself be angry. That's all I have to say about it.
Attempting to suppress that anger, which is a true & authentic emotion, or attempting to suppress ANY emotion is a huge, huge factor in how your addict, & mine, & everyone else's, ended up the way they are.
The Bandaid is going to get ripped off here & there. There will be other instances & reminders of just how selfish, manipulative, & neglectful your exAH is, direct or indirect.
My son is now 9mos old. He has had good, consistent contact with his father for maybe 3mos of that time, which he won't remember.
I have had, painfully, to acknowledge that exAH never has been & never will be the one who has trouble sleeping at night, because he is incapable of puttig another person before himself. It is beyond him.
It makes it easier for me, because at the end of the day, I can feel some measure of pity for him that he won't be able to enjoy or absorb our son as the great gift that he is. Just like he couldn't enjoy or appreciate me as his wife.
Get angry, then go do something about it. For example, I highly recommend running while listening to angry white boy music.
Then come home, make yourself & your child something good to eat & let it the eff go.
Until the next time.
Then wash, rinse, repeat.
Because it's never authentic nor healthy to deny those emotions.
But neither is it to dwell.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Running while listening to angry white boy music ----
i mean, who WOULDNT wanna?
exercise has been a huge stress reliever for me, spin class til my legs are just jello...sometimes the only way to bring it down a notch.
you're awesome, mnh! thank you for that.
i mean, who WOULDNT wanna?
exercise has been a huge stress reliever for me, spin class til my legs are just jello...sometimes the only way to bring it down a notch. you're awesome, mnh! thank you for that.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Refiner, I disagree.. I read as much of the alcoholism and new recovery forum as I do for the Friends and Family. I have learned that these people are very sick. They come on the forum desperate (just like us). They just have a different addiction then we do. I'm not saying that you don't have every reason to be pxssed, I was pxssed for so many years and it sxcked!! That is not me and I don't want to live the rest of my life like that, angry and pxssed. Yes my X did some horrible, horrible things to me, but I have to get over it and move on. I have to work my program and find some compassion, as hard as it was, is.
These people have a disease and everyone of them is selfish. They think of no one but themselves. They cheat, lie, steal, abuse you and a lot more. I have read so many of their threads about what devastation they caused there families. But in my heart, I truly believe them talking between themselves on the threads, that they can't believe what they caused. Not the FULL scale, there brains can not grasp it until long term sobriety.
I hope that you can find some compassion for this dreadful disease and the people that have it one day. I just can not be angry anymore!!!
These people have a disease and everyone of them is selfish. They think of no one but themselves. They cheat, lie, steal, abuse you and a lot more. I have read so many of their threads about what devastation they caused there families. But in my heart, I truly believe them talking between themselves on the threads, that they can't believe what they caused. Not the FULL scale, there brains can not grasp it until long term sobriety.
I hope that you can find some compassion for this dreadful disease and the people that have it one day. I just can not be angry anymore!!!
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I'll just say this... as pissed off as you are, if this guy really is as much of a problem as it seems, you probably don't WANT him involved in your child's life. I know quite a few people who would have been better off with a rose-colored picture of their real dads rather than having to experience the tragic truth first-hand.
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You might want to go back to court and take away any type of visitation, or at least leave the visits up to your power. You can claim abandonment. Also, it sounds unhealthy for all. It isn't fair that you have to wonder and wait on him. I would cut the cord. It just isn't healthy. I would also get lots of counseling for both you and your daughter. And maybe when and if he does call and wants to see his daughter, give him a supervised visit at the park for a couple hours. But, it seems like she needs some education on addiction, and must know that he loves her he just can't show it right now. This is really hard to understand. My son just asked me the other day why daddy gave up on us. It hurts and it is sad, but you both need to heal. Waiting and wondering on an addict will just lead to more pain and disappointment.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Refiner, I disagree.. I read as much of the alcoholism and new recovery forum as I do for the Friends and Family. I have learned that these people are very sick. They come on the forum desperate (just like us). They just have a different addiction then we do.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
But there it is right there... you said it again. The people that come onto the new recovery forum are not selfish people to begin with, admit they have a problem (why else would they go on that forum), and are seeking help! That's VERY different than the narcissistic, selfish alcoholics I've had in my life. THOSE are the people that even if they WERE to get sober, they still have selfish and narcississtic tendencies (e.g. don't even bother to check in to see how their own child is doing, don't admit to having a problem, have no problem hurting others, etc). I guess that's where I'm coming from.
I honestly HATED alcoholics until I got some Alanon and SR recovery under my belt. Part of that was from the years I spent stuffing my anger because it was an unacceptable emotion for me to express. Alcoholics in my life got to rage and rant, but I had no reason to ever be angry or upset, they were the ones with hard lives, with "real" problems.
I had also never met an alcoholic or addict who was actively working any type of recovery. There's a huge difference between someone who is going through the the motions not drinking/using to keep everyone off their back for awhile or avoid some awful consequence and someone in true recovery.
I am allowed to be angry. I don't have to dwell on it or lash out at others in a negative way, but I can acknowledge and accept my feelings. Anger isn't bad or wrong, it's a burst of emotional energy. It can tell me there's something wrong in my life, that maybe I'm accepting unacceptable behavior from someone just for the sake of keeping the peace. Properly channeled, anger can be a great catalyst for change.
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Thanks for sharing LS. That's exactly how I feel. There truly is a difference in an A seeking true recovery and those selfish evil ones that either are faking it or don't care enough. Maybe the underlying difference is that those who are like the A's we've mostly had in our lives (the selfish, unrepentant type) actually have a personality disorder in addition to the A "disease". And that's what makes them different than the A's maia speaks of.
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