thomas11

If yesterday is any indication, the urge to drink is going to return pretty strongly in the near future. I have been religious about my rehabilitation and my strength and balance is quite good. They have unlocked my braces and advanced my flexion to 70 degrees. This freedom of mobility has brought me as close to normal as I have experienced since I left the hospital. With this freedom came some pretty strong urges yesterday. The instant gratification of getting a buzz and having a few drinks in the afternoon and into evening was trumping all logic. I know that alcohol messes up a lot of mental and biological functions. Yet it didn't seem to matter. Soon my braces will come off and I'll be able to drive and basically return to normal.
Lastly, when these braces finally do come off, I don't know if I should burn them or bronze them. They have been the bain of my existence.

ps. I know some of you will say I am nuts to even consider drinking again based on the past couple months of my life, and I can't argue with that. I'm just mentioning yesterday I had a pretty strong urge to do some drinking.

Dee74

Hi Jeff

nut or not, you're likely to face these feelings again.

Like I've said a few times now, you've had a great opportunity with your physical rehab to make a really good rigorous recovery plan....

I think you still have time - I mean, what's stopping you?

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

D

doggonecarl

Of course it's nuts. More than nuts, it's insanity. The insanity of alcoholism. Cunning and baffling.

If an insane person started talking to you, suggested you do something that made no sense, would you listen? I'm guessing no.

And if that insane person was yourself, talking you into drinking, why would the answer be any different. It shouldn't. Don't listen.

thomas11

These past couple of months have been like a modified alcohol rehab or treatment. A blessing in disguise, if you will.

thomas11

Carl, I grown very fond of your no nonsense approach and responses.

It goes without saying that it would be ill advised to drink again. But I will go to my grave saying and knowing that this accident could very well have happened to anyone, I just happened to be drunk when it happened. But, as Dee mentioned, it has provided me with a golden opportunity and it is up to me to seize the moment.

ScottFromWI

Two things here Jeff.

1. Even if your accident had zero correlation to your last binge, take a close look at what the other results were. You nearly lost your wife and you completely turned your back on your business. You also made quite a spectacle here with your drunken rants for nearly a week. Why do I say this? Because quite frankly I see your addiction telling you that since drinking was maybe unrelated to the fall, it would be OK to drink again. You know exactly what will happen if you go back.

2. You've seized this opportunity to physically rehab with a vengeance, but can you honestly say you've attacked your recovery from drinking with the same effort?

Dee74

I hope you'll be ready the next time an opportunity to drink comes up Jeff, cos it will.

It would be really sad if you went back to drinking after this.

D

letitgo

I enjoy your posts and hope you stick it through. Also I hope your taper of pain meds goes well. I hear that can be the worst.

EndGameNYC

It's ill-advised to leave the house without an umbrella when rain is forecast. It's ill-advised to let your new puppy run free. It's ill-advised to ask someone out on a first date and then insist that you split the bill. It's ill advised to lie in the noonday sun without protection. It's ill-advised to wear a bathing suit on a hike through rough terrain.

To drink again would be, well, you should know by now.

You need to read this over a few times.

The fact that anyone could fall down a flight of stairs doesn't mean that your being drunk had nothing to do with it. Same goes with any other type of accident, including those that take place while driving.

Venecia

Jeff,

WIth the benefit of hindsight, I've come to look at what I've gone through as a three-part experience. I was:

1. An alcoholic. Didn't check off all the boxes but enough of them not to delude myself any longer.

2. An addict. The person whose brain has become dependent on a substance and whose body and brain were paying the price. I wanted to reverse the course.

3. A drinker. That was the tricky part. Drinkers drink. Friends knew me as someone who'd reliably go out for a glass of wine or a beer or two. What they didn't know was that there was always plenty more at home to feed the beast. What I refused to acknowledge -- until I finally did as part of coming to accept my alcoholism -- that those extras at home were not the sign of a healthy person. It still took me a long time to do something about it, which I regret.

It's that third part that I had to address -- changing myself and how I viewed alcohol. I was just mentioning something along these lines in response to a poster elsewhere. It was a challenge to say "it's over -- no more" but it worked for me. It got easier with time. Now I view myself, without hesitation, as someone who not only cannot drink but will not drink.

One of the things that helped me a great deal was the SR online meetings at 8 p.m. CST Tuesdays and Fridays. I don't think I missed more than a handful for a year. Check 'em out. They're a good part of a plan for recovery.

thomas11

Scott, in response to you question if I have attacked my recovery with the same intensity as my physical rehabilitation, no. But that is not to say that I have been complacent either. I have posted here about things in the recovery process like playing the tape through, AV, gratitude and some other things that I didn't think about before. There are other thoughts and thinking processes that my wife and I have talked about. I do not post about them because while my life is pretty much an open book, I do respect the intelligence of the members and do not want to bore everyone with the mundane details of all of my thought processes when it comes to alcohol.

Venecia, I think you pretty much nailed it in my book. The first two words after numbers 1, 2, and 3 are my thoughts as well. And quite frankly are very difficult for me to accept. VERY difficult.

Serenidad

Hi Thomas, like Dee said, I would be sad if you went back to drinking too. This may sound harsh, but I really feel like if you drink again you won't make it back. It scares me because I've lost a lot of friends to alcoholism and consider you a friend. I also enjoy your posts. Hang in there!

FrankLapidas

You hanging in there okay, my friend? Temptation is an evil bitch. Guess you have to beat her back before she arrives. (something I'm totally unqualified to offer advice on, but what the heck)

Venecia

Well, since we've got a numbered list theme going here, let me expand upon my previous thoughts:

1. I do get the impression you're fighting the sense that you'll be deprived of something if you cannot drink. The AV thrives on that message. The AV gets weakened when you view sobriety as a gift.

2. In all honesty, I don't miss alcohol. Not even slightly. Give yourself time and you won't miss alcohol. See point #1 above.

ScottFromWI

That's what SR is actually supposed to be about Jeff, any recovery community for that matter - to discuss the day to day details of our recovery process. Those details are actually the building blocks that form the foundation of sobriety . And we are all here because we want to teach others what they are, as well as remind ourselves where we came from. Never assume any question or detail is too mundane to discuss here.

courage2

I'm confused Thomas/Jeff. Maybe I thought you were in a different state of commitment than you are. First question:

--Are you surprised that you have a strong urge to drink? If the answer is"yes," that leads to my second question:

--Do you believe you're an alcoholic or that you can't drink safely, ever? If the answer to that is "no"... why are you spending so much time on a recovery website? Do you think you'll learn here how to drink better? Because none of us have.

Living a good life as an alcoholic in recovery doesn't mean without ever having an urge to drink. It means living a good life without ever drinking.

TroyW

I'm just wondering, are you still on the pain meds? Or off them now?

Mags1

Hi Jeff. It stinks doesn't it, that we can't drink.

But if you stick with it , rejecting the av, show it who's boss, we gave in to our desire to drink for long enough and look what it brought us! Sorrow, embarrassment, regrets, do I need to go on?

A few months discomfort and aching for booze in exchange for a life, your own without a crutch. Seems pretty good doesn't it, and it can happen it's happened to a lot of people here.

But don't misunderstand me, it isn't a walk in the park it's a ride on the roller coaster and if you think you're up to it buckle up tight, grit your teeth and show your strengths.

Woe is me us do easy to be. Anything truly worth having is worth the fight.

You've heard all this before but I, like the great people on SR. It is hard, it isn't fair but there is a life the other side of the bottle.

You decide. Don't say I can't drink anymore. Turn your mindset round. I don't drink anymore thanks and if the av comes a visiting, which it does, fill your tool box so you can kick its butt and show it who is now in control.

You find you really, truly, do not need and more importantly do not want it , in your life ever again.

PurpleKnight

It may be insane, but when you focus it through the lens of addiction anything can make sense.

The important thing is to realise that the temptation of "catching a buzz" was probably going to crop up sooner or later, it's one of addiction's first line of attack, "a cool beer on a warm summers day, a stressful week at work, the nostalgia of good ol' times" the list goes on.

We have to recognise when our addiction is doing the talking and have a plan devised well in advance to make Sobriety work at all costs.

Anything is possible!!

Meraviglioso

Jeff, like others have said recovery unfortunately involves some fighting and some uncomfortable moments. You can and will get through those moments if you put in the effort. Believe me, I know how it is. There have been many moments that I have just given up and gone for the drink. But it is a fight worth fighting.
Now that you are healing why don't you put your focus on the high of a great workout? I know you know what I'm talking about. You are going to be way behind where you were previously so why not start working towards some healthy goals in the gym.? It is going to take patience and time but you are going to get there and soon enough will lift enough weight that that buzz will come and when you throw down the barbell you will think "f*ck man, that was worth it!"

I agree with others that we need to also put the same level of effort into our recovery from alcohol as we do other things (such as your physical rehabilitation, fitness, etc.) But I also think that the two can be related. I know that shifting my focus from my cravings to thinking about (even obsessing over) my weight lifting goals, working in extra cardio, calculating the protein in my meals, etc. etc. really helps me think about something healthy and positive and takes my mind of alcohol which can only hinder those goals and blow all my hard work out the window.

We've only chatted a bit but from what I have learned about you I think your fitness and history as an athlete will be one of your biggest motivators and I don't think there is anything wrong with using it as such.

Come on bud, stay with us here. Don't throw this progress down the drain. Also, thanks for your honest posts and for coming here. Your "mundane details and through processes" are very helpful to others.