ownedbypugs

So, I guess it was Wednesday, I called my son on my way home from work just to ask how he was feeling. Well, I could tell he had been drinking. Just diagnosed with pancreatitis. I said, "Okay well I just was checking on you. I gotta go". I talked to his gf, and long story short, they ended up breaking up and she kicked him out. FOR 4 HOURS. I have decided that they are both idiots.

My daughter saw my son at their dad's house last night and he picked an argument with her. She is 7 mos pregnant and she is the one who has done everything the "right" way. He always says "I'll never be perfect like her" and it's offensive to her because she has worked her ass off, and has planned this pregnancy and saved for a year, so she could take a year off after the baby is born. Her and her husband have a great marriage. He said to her "sorry I can't be as perfect as you and mom" so now I guess he's pissed at me too. He said to her "you run and tell mom everything". She had the best answer. She said "first of all, the last time I saw you was Father's Day, and I don't even know where you live. You never call me. How would I know anything at all to tell mom"? She said, "if someone is telling mom, maybe it's someone closer to you who knows what you are doing"

I have decided that I need a long break from him. When I talk to him or about him, it ruins my mood. He was asking people for money last night, which leads me to believe he may be involved in more than alcohol again.

Then, to top things off, on Thursday, I found out that a patient I have been working with closely (I'm a physical therapist), helping her walk, etc. has a really bad case of lice. I bought lice medication on my way home, made my husband use it too. We cleaned everything in our house, bedding, pillows. Chances are I didn't have it, but I was not taking any chances.

We are leaving on vacation soon, and since I had such a crappy week, when I went online to look at our airline reservations, it gave me the opportunity to upgrade to first class for a really good rate, so I did it. I felt like I deserved it.

So, I will always have hope, but, I just can't keep being so stressed all the time. I will not be contacting him anytime soon.

dandylion

Dear ownedbypugs........sure, go ahead and compartmentalize all this and enjoy your vacation time. After all, that's what vacations are for.....de-stressing..

As a mother, I have walked in your shoes with an adult child.
Also, as a mother, I can tell you that in this kind of circumstance.....fear, anger, resentments and guilt (GUILT)...become your daily visitors.....always just over your shoulder.

I have been around long enough to know that my words will have little meaning to you, right now. But, I am going to say them, anyway, in the hope that someday, down the road, you may remember some of them......

I believe that it is essential that you make an effort, on your own behalf to prepare for the marathon that is to come.
If you were talking about a voluntary relationship.....I might say to cut the ties and not be dragged. But this is different. A mother does not get that privilege---even if you tried to.

1. Get into a face to face support group....as a part of your day to day life. You are going to need those people as your "soft place to fall" when the sky seems to be crashing down and the horizon seems dark (it can happen).
2. Read--study---become an "expert" on this disease. Knowledge will be your power.
a) google Papers on Addiction and Recovery. Learn all of that material written by Floyd P, Garrett, M.D. It is the best material regarding how the alcoholic mind operates that I have read.
b) I can recommend a couple of books written by mothers who have been through this with their adult child......
3. Attend open AA meetings and Speakers Meetings. Find out what recovering alcoholics have to say.....They are the real experts.
4. Get your husband to the alanon or Celebrate Recovery Group---or any similar support group, if you can....
5. Same goes for the mother of your grandchild.... Try to keep a civil relationship with her (if you can), for the sake of your grand child.....
6. Personal counseling for yourself with someone who specializes in addiction (this is gold).

Underneath all of his behaviors---your son loves you (and his sister...lol). There is family love. He is "sick" with his disease. Your whole family is suffering from this disease----they don't call alcoholism a family disease for nothing. Everyone is impacted.
The reason for you to do all of this is to avoid permanent damage to the bonds of love that you have for each other. *****Even in detachment---which you may have to do---there is a way to do it without killing the love. "detachment with love".
But---you won't be able to do this without this work on yourself (for yourself).
Make no mistake----you are important----and how you handle all of this will have ripple effects throughout your family.....

I know that I sound "preachy to you" (forgive me). Actually, I cry for every mother. I so wish that I had someone to say this stuff to me---It could have saved me a lot of heartache........

Very sincerely,
dandylion

ownedbypugs

I have been to Naranon, a few years ago to deal with his drug use. I have not been to Alanon, and I know I need to go. I have done counseling, though not with someone specializing in addictions. I am just getting tired. This has been going on since he was 16 years old. First drinking, then weed, then pills, then heroin. Always alcohol. We've been through arrests, one 3 month period in jail, then one year period in prison. DUI, intent to distribute, disorderly conduct, violation of probation. I know I need to find a way to deal with this, but, sometimes I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I love my son more than anything. However, the person I see anymore isn't even my son. He looks bad, he doesn't even look like he used to. And now he acts like a whiney spoiled baby. He whines about how bad this past year has been, but he has been on unemployment since September, and has not worked. He is always "stressed" but I don't know why, because he never has any obligations. I'm starting to just feel bitter because if anyone even says anything to him at all that he perceives as something he doesn't want to hear, he gets mad, rude and loud.

He treats everyone like crap and acts like the world is out to get him. He has a baby coming. I shudder to think about these two raising this baby.

I probably sound like a jerk, but, I just don't even want to be around him anymore.

redatlanta

I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry he is still drinking. I hope the GF wakes up and get baby and herself to a safe environment.

I am curious if your son has ever been psychologically evaluated?

Go on your vacation, enjoy and get away from it. Nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with boundaries.

NYCDoglvr

You really deserve a great vacation and good for you for going first class. I think you understand there's nothing anyone can do or say that will keep an addict from drinking and using. A big hug.

dandylion

owned by pugs.....I know exactly how you feel....I have felt every one of those feelings....
The feelings do not make you a "jerk".
The stuff I talked about is for you and your inner serenity as much as for anybody else.
Sometimes, we have to love from a distance because it hurts us too much to be up close......

dandylion

ownedbypugs

Redatlanta, he has not been evaluated that I know of, but he has been in the hospital a few times, and I'm not sure what they said. He has been in rehab, and again I'm not sure. I personally think he is bipolar. I have told him that he needs to talk to someone. Maybe meds would be in order. I just don't know. I can't even get him to try to do anything for himself or for the baby.

dandylion

ownedbypugs.....I also agree that in many cases the drugs and alcohol could be self medication for underlying conditions----and, there are a variety of such conditions.

dandylion

redatlanta

Its not unusual at all to find a mental illness or personality disorder lurking below the alcoholism and/or addictions.

Nothing to do about it as he is not seeking help. I advise you continue your path as planned. However, if at anytime in the future your son should decide he wants to seek recovery I would recommend a dual diagnosis facility - at the very least a psych evaluation (by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist) with someone also familiar with addiction.

shil2587

I second (and third) the thought that meds might help. My partner doesn't have an underlying illness apart from OCD. But he has been seeing a fantastic psychiatrist (ex nuero surgeon now specialising in alcoholism) who has put him on prozac and a mood stabiliser. The difference has been amazing. The prozac has completely stopped the OCD intrusive/paranoid thoughts and the mood stabiliser gives him enough time to recognise when his head is going in the direction that always leads to him picking up, for him to do something about it. He's now been sober 6 weeks (which I know isn't a long time, but for him it is) and sober without any of the angst that usually goes with a newly sober person.

He says it almost feels easy this time and that's down to having found a good psychiatrist who is willing to put a lampshade on RAbf head if it works!

Huge hugs to you. I hope he is willing to seek help at some point.