whatsgoingon

What am I?

It's a difficult question for me to answer as I'm not medically trained. That said after coming on this site for a few years now and reading the posts from my sr friends I've come to the conclusion that I'm a binge drinker. I don't think that I have a physical dependency on alcohol. I don't drink every day. I might go a week without drinking and in the past I've given up drinking all together for a few months. Thing is when I do drink i binge. I drink until I'm drunk. These days I don't even enjoy the drinking that much. I might enjoy the first one but after that it does not really matter whether I'm drinking fine wine or cheap rubbish, once I get a taste for it I just carry on until I'm numb.

The definition of what I am is important to me as I need to know how to deal with it. Whether I'm an alcoholic or a binge drinker does not hide the fact that whichever way I describe myself I most definitely have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

My condition is more psychological than physical. As I said I can take it or leave it but it still controls me to an extent. In my mind I feel I can control it to a degree and I can recognise when I need to stop. I know I'm on a dangerous path and I seem to suffer from bouts of binge drinking which might last every night for a week followed by long periods of being sober and feeling guilty. I seem to be in vicious circle and I hate that booze affects my life in this way.

I read the stories on here and my heart goes out to all of you whatever your struggle maybe. I sometimes feel my issue or problem cannot compare with some on here because they struggle on a daily basis whereas mine problem is more random. Problem is I cannot get out of this never ending cycle of boozing, stopping, boozing, stopping etc.

I really hate booze. It has such an influence on my life and I wish I could just say to hell with it but I find it really hard. Booze makes me feel depressed, it kills my motivation, stops all momentum and leaves me feeling guilty and low. So why the hell do I keep doing it?

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

Regards


Whatsgoingon (aka sneeker)

suki44883

You've been a member here for almost three years. I don't know how regularly you post or read, but the fact that you joined here in 2012, shows that this has been an issue for a while now.

Alcoholics don't have to drink every day. Binge drinkers can also be alcoholics. The clue is that when you do drink, you have no control over how much you drink. You keep drinking until you blackout or pass out.

IMO, labels don't really matter. The fact that your drinking habits are problematic and bother you, is a sign that you recognize that your drinking is out of hand.

whatsgoingon

Hi Suki, thanks for the reply. I know I have a problem and I guess what I am is irrelevant. I don't drink until I passout, most of the time it's much more controlled than that. I'm a secret drinker and I hide my problem very well. I not sure what the root of my drinking is but it could be depression and stress. Without realising I have probably been self medicating for years.

Feeling like crap today. I drank last night and feel really remorseful. I kinda wish I felt like this all the time and then I would not want to drink. Thing is I know this feeling will pass and in a few days time I will want to drink again. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting good and evil. The pull of alcohol is so strong, even though I know it's no good for me my inner voice or alcoholic voice has more power than my logical brain. I recently read a book called the chimp paradox and it pretty much sums up the struggle that goes on inside my head. The chimp or the AV is the part of your brain that is controlled by urges, impulses and feelings. This part of the brain is much much stronger than the logical part of the brain that knows what you are doing is wrong. How can I control my urges? Why do I have an addictive streak in me? How can I channel my addictive personality into something positive like the gym or a new hobbie?

Being me sucks today. Thanks for reading sorry for the rant.

BringingBackB

I don't really think it matters what we 'classify' ourselves as in terms if alcoholic, binge drinker, psychological dependency. Truth is, they are all just labels.

It got at easier for me when I just accepted the fact that I'm not a nice person when I drink, it's not an option for me anymore.

Best of luck

RDBplus3

Hello whatsgoingon,
Just curious, have you read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous?
And the book, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions?

I drank for 40 years, and worked and supported my family throughout the entire time ... then I struggled for years as the problems and questions about myself increased.

Another suggestion that has been very good for me ... do a Web Search for Recovery Speakers ... most are free, and there are a lot of good messages to listen to that are informative and entertaining.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... today

thanks for the rant

IOAA2

Hi.

The following will answer your questions if you're honest with yourself, it took me awhile to be honest.

20 Questions
________________________________________
Are You an Alcoholic? To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
You do not ever have to show this to anyone, nor should you!
________________________________________
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
________________________________________
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

NestWasEmpty

Hey Whatsgoingon, Could be many reasons . Have you ever looked deeper into what causes you to pick up ? What your thinking about , bothered by , what triggers it .
For me it was loneliness , than I would drink to get ride of that because well alcohol was my friends ? After a few hours with drinking I was lonelier
Yes stress too can trigger it. That's they key to find out and do other healthier options . Good luck just wanted to give you some ideas to think over

whatsgoingon

I got 9 yes's but I think anyone who has got wasted once or twice would have answered yes to quite a few. That said they are interesting questions and 9 is reasonable barometer that I have a problem.

That is quite stark isn't it.

Feel a bit crap now or a little more than I did.

Doh. Bit lost for words.

Maybe I don't want to admit it.

Now what?

blueberry2015

Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic or not. The fact you are questioning your alcohol consumption suggests you may have a problem with alcohol. The fact that you recognise you binge drink is good and there is a window for you to change this. There are many tips on line how to moderate your drinking when on nights out so that you drink less x If your binge drinking concerns you have a chat with your doctor x x Good luck x x x

whatsgoingon

My triggers are stress, depression, boredom and the strange need to relive my youth. Sometimes I can hear a song that sparks off some nostalgia and I'll want to drink. Problems at work and not having enough money can stress me out and I'll want to drink. Sometimes I can be in a really good mood and just fancy it. Biggest trigger is stress and worry. In all cases I drink to escape reality.

Dee74

Does the label really matter whatsgoingon?

I've known bringe drinkers who died from their drinking, I know binge drinkers who wreck their relationships and lose their health....

I've been both a binge drinker and , eventually, an all day everyday drinker.
They were both different points on the same axis for me.

It's not like binge drinking is better, brighter, more 'curable', or easier to stop.

D

whatsgoingon

I have not read the big book. I guess I don't want to. Reading that book to me is sub contentiously admitting your an alcoholic. I don't want to be an alcoholic.

I love this site, it really gives you a good dose of reality!

blueberry2015

Stress and boredom was my reason I drank... it soon caught up with me hun x Have a chat with your doctor. If you cant cut down then you may need to abstain x

IOAA2

The reasons you give are common excuses, the bottom line is we drank to escape “life on life’s terms.” Recovery I discovered is work and changing my actions and reactions. I received my lessons at repeated AA meetings from people who understood and wanted to help.

BE WELL

Odisnow

Wow I feel like I could have written this post myself. This describes my relationship with alcohol almost exactly. The only difference is that as the years have passed my binges got longer and the secret drinking became less secret. I can say that I have struggled with the label of alcoholic for that reason and have come to realize it doesn't matter what I want to call myself this relationship with alcohol is no good.

Nonsensical

What is the difference between how an alcoholic deals with their problem drinking and how a binge drinker deals with their problem drinking?

Seems to me that in either case the solution is to live a sober life.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

FreeOwl

For me.... A 'binge drinker' was an alcoholic waiting to develop into his full addictive potential.

I wish I'd realized this 20 years sooner.

nyala

Hello Whatsgoingon,

You said it in your first post

In the last year I had less binges, more period of sobriety ( i.e weeks, not days) , more periods of 'moderate' drinking than in any of the previous 30 years.

I used internal arguments exactly the same ( and, forgive me for saying equally flawed) as the ones you have posted in this thread . I sought the counsel of very dear trusted lifelong friends who assured me I was a 'heavy drinker', not an 'alcoholic'.

Here's the thing. I think you want to stop, but are afraid of having to contemplate never drinking alcohol again for the rest of you life. I get that.

But you don't have to. Just don't take the first drink, then it is not possible to take the second, the fifth, the thirteenth.

If you are anything like me ( and you sound exactly like me ), you will need support to do this and SR is the place to find this support.

I suggest checking in with the Class of July 2015 thread here.

Good luck. You can do this.

Serenidad

Hi there,

I never drank daily or in the morning etc. and sometimes I would go a week or more between binges (I even went 5.5 years once) and I am absolutely an alcoholic. My drinking pattern sounds VERY similar to yours actually. Basically my pattern was: go out on a Friday for 4-6 hours, get wasted, feel extremely hungover the next day, stay away for alcohol for 2 or 3 days and then do it all over again! Ugh! It was a nightmarish cycle! Truly! Each time I drank I told myself it was the last time but I kept repeating that cycle even though it was making me unhappy....extremely unhappy! :-(

For me, it was more about what alcohol was doing to my life and the way it was making me feel. It was standing in the way of my goals and dreams too. Binge drinking is actually the most dangerous type of drinking and it's very hard on the liver and other vital organs.

The bottom line for me was acceptance. No one "wants" to be an alcoholic. Many people are alcoholics but never "label" themselves. You don't have to label yourself. You can simply say "I have a drinking problem or I drink too much or I am a former drinker" or whatever. I understand your feelings about the word "alcoholic". I really do. And sometimes I refer to myself as an alcoholic to a close family member or my husband but most of the time I don't. If people ask if I want a drink, I just say "no thanks, I don't drink".

I was talking to my husband last night and he is NOT an alcoholic. I asked him if he thinks about alcohol. He said "No, sometimes if it's around I will just grab a cold beer because it's there but that's about it!" Really?!? I DO NOT GET THE POINT! Haha. I guess he thinks about alcohol like I think about having a glass of water or juice or whatever. I don't obsess and get on a sober recovery website because I think I have a "juicing" problem. Lol. ;-)

Anyway, have you tried to just stop drinking for 90 days? If so, was it pretty easy? Did you count the days or obsess about it? A few years ago my husband decided not to have a drink for 90 days to get in really good shape (he also cut out sweets, fried foods etc.) and he didn't even realize it had been 90 days until we went to a wedding after like 120 days and he had a glass of wine and felt a little dizzy. He didn't like that dizzy feeling so he stopped and ate some food! Again, really?!? Haha. That makes NO sense to me. I love that dizzy feeling! :-0

I don't know about you but if I drink, I DRINK! I either don't drink at all or I drink until I am very buzzed or drunk. It's not how much I drink that makes me an alcoholic (or someone with a drinking problem). It's what HAPPENS when I drink.

Maybe try to STOP for 90 days. If you are not an alcoholic or do not have a drinking problem then that should be very easy. That should tell you a lot. Again, no one "wants" to be an alcoholic. It's just a label. I just choose to use it (in my own head) so I never forget what I am. And I don't go around advertising it. I just don't drink anymore. My body is different than my husbands. He has an "off switch" and I don't.

Anyway, I hope my post helped....even if a little. I'm glad you are here asking these questions. I'm sure you will figure it all out and in the mean time SR is here to support you! Feel free to PM me any time if you have questions. Again, it sounds like our drinking patterns are/were very similar.

Best to you!

Saskia

In my IOP we had a person who sounded just like you - very similar pattern. He is an alcoholic. I agree with Dee - labels don't matter. If you weren't an alcoholic you wouldn't be spending your time and energy questioning whether or not you are!