Just checking in
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Just checking in
Hi all 
It's been a while! I hope everyone's doing well / hanging in there / taking things one day at a time, and that the people just finding this forum stick around and read as much as they can.
I'm a year into being NC with a major caveat... I fell off the wagon hard a couple weeks ago. With basically no deliberation, I called her, just went into my phone's blocked number list and CALLED her. I don't know. Maybe after a year of mourning the mother I never had I needed a quickie reminder that TRULY, she was never and never be the mother she periodically made a very good show of being. A swift injection of cruelty, judgement, indictments, accusations and rejection. A confirmation that NC is totally the right call. A relief, then, I guess, that I don't have to wonder if toeing the waters of LC might be the right thing to do. No gray area here.
I couldn't fit all the ridiculous things she said into this post though I'm tempted just to make you all laugh. Let's see, my failures began with the 'disasters of fourth grade' (I lost my homework, once - what a disaster!) but 'still she stuck by me'. I mentioned that I had started going to Al Anon as a result of the last few years with her, and she said clearly I hadn't gotten the hang of it since I am clearly still hanging on to so much anger. No kidding. She did apologize for her behavior during her period of addiction ("now over") but said she was very sick and would never have abandoned her own mother in her time of greatest need, but - SHE FORGIVES ME.
She also forgives me for several other things. I was amazed. "YOU forgive ME?" Like 'forcing her to live in that apartment' (you may recall I had to move her into an apartment because she a) found out she had cancer and b) was falling down drunk all the time and living in squalor in a house two hours from me and the nearest hospital) and a few other things I won't make you read about...
Also she said she had already sent me several apology emails, and it's too bad I had her email blocked and never received them. I said I would unblock it so she could send them again and she said, "No, you had your chance." REALLY.
Anyway the thing is, she sounded clear as a bell. Her memories are incorrect of course but her voice was clear. She was going on about how she's gardening and swimming and has a new friend group... this is all VERY HARD TO BELIEVE... but she really sounded lucid! I KNOW my mom's voice. I also know she's a liar. But something in her voice made me think she was telling the truth! Maybe leaving big chunks out. But my mom is the VICTIM usually, it is more her motif to be telling me what a terrible daughter I am while she's dying of five terrible diseases at once all by herself, abandoned, than for her to be telling me how well she's doing. She sounded like she hadn't had a drink in months. She said that was the case, but I also think I could hear it in her voice too. Or maybe her drinking has evolved so that she's just not wasted ALL THE TIME like she was before? Does that happen? Never before, once she had started drinking, did she not sound like she'd BEEN drinking.
And meanwhile, I'm really still struggling. My anxiety and depression are still obstacles, I'm not seeing friends, I feel hopeless... mr seasaw is the very bright lovely thing in my life but that's kind of it.
When I found this forum I had recently gone NC and was preparing myself to receive that Phone Call - 'we found your mother, we don't know how many days she's been on the floor like this.' I'd already made I don't know how many 911 wellness check calls. The idea that, a year after going NC with my booze/pill riddled mother who was doing nothing more than spewing verbal abuse at me from her bed that was full of rotting food and maggots, literally, after I'd given up a good job and school to help manage her estate and get her help, that she is doing even slightly better than i am... I can't wrap my head around it. I mean I know empirically she can't be... but it's still just so weird. There are other families that pray for their alcoholic to recover from addiction so their family can heal... there's no healing for my mother and me even if she never had another drop. Even if it was unbelievably callous and inappropriate of her to point it out, she's right - I DO still have a lot of anger
She also let me know she has written me out of her will. "well, you stopped talking to me."
Ugh, anyway. I really am just trying to go easy on myself. What scares me is the idea that I'm being exactly like her - reacting to a traumatic event by retreating (my social life is practically at a stand still and I'm not working) and playing the victim/blaming someone else for my problems (my mom's the bad guy, here!). I wish I was one of those people who buried themselves in their work - I know that's not the healthiest either but at least I'd have some income
It's been a while! I hope everyone's doing well / hanging in there / taking things one day at a time, and that the people just finding this forum stick around and read as much as they can.I'm a year into being NC with a major caveat... I fell off the wagon hard a couple weeks ago. With basically no deliberation, I called her, just went into my phone's blocked number list and CALLED her. I don't know. Maybe after a year of mourning the mother I never had I needed a quickie reminder that TRULY, she was never and never be the mother she periodically made a very good show of being. A swift injection of cruelty, judgement, indictments, accusations and rejection. A confirmation that NC is totally the right call. A relief, then, I guess, that I don't have to wonder if toeing the waters of LC might be the right thing to do. No gray area here.
I couldn't fit all the ridiculous things she said into this post though I'm tempted just to make you all laugh. Let's see, my failures began with the 'disasters of fourth grade' (I lost my homework, once - what a disaster!) but 'still she stuck by me'. I mentioned that I had started going to Al Anon as a result of the last few years with her, and she said clearly I hadn't gotten the hang of it since I am clearly still hanging on to so much anger. No kidding. She did apologize for her behavior during her period of addiction ("now over") but said she was very sick and would never have abandoned her own mother in her time of greatest need, but - SHE FORGIVES ME.
She also forgives me for several other things. I was amazed. "YOU forgive ME?" Like 'forcing her to live in that apartment' (you may recall I had to move her into an apartment because she a) found out she had cancer and b) was falling down drunk all the time and living in squalor in a house two hours from me and the nearest hospital) and a few other things I won't make you read about...
Also she said she had already sent me several apology emails, and it's too bad I had her email blocked and never received them. I said I would unblock it so she could send them again and she said, "No, you had your chance." REALLY.
Anyway the thing is, she sounded clear as a bell. Her memories are incorrect of course but her voice was clear. She was going on about how she's gardening and swimming and has a new friend group... this is all VERY HARD TO BELIEVE... but she really sounded lucid! I KNOW my mom's voice. I also know she's a liar. But something in her voice made me think she was telling the truth! Maybe leaving big chunks out. But my mom is the VICTIM usually, it is more her motif to be telling me what a terrible daughter I am while she's dying of five terrible diseases at once all by herself, abandoned, than for her to be telling me how well she's doing. She sounded like she hadn't had a drink in months. She said that was the case, but I also think I could hear it in her voice too. Or maybe her drinking has evolved so that she's just not wasted ALL THE TIME like she was before? Does that happen? Never before, once she had started drinking, did she not sound like she'd BEEN drinking.
And meanwhile, I'm really still struggling. My anxiety and depression are still obstacles, I'm not seeing friends, I feel hopeless... mr seasaw is the very bright lovely thing in my life but that's kind of it.
When I found this forum I had recently gone NC and was preparing myself to receive that Phone Call - 'we found your mother, we don't know how many days she's been on the floor like this.' I'd already made I don't know how many 911 wellness check calls. The idea that, a year after going NC with my booze/pill riddled mother who was doing nothing more than spewing verbal abuse at me from her bed that was full of rotting food and maggots, literally, after I'd given up a good job and school to help manage her estate and get her help, that she is doing even slightly better than i am... I can't wrap my head around it. I mean I know empirically she can't be... but it's still just so weird. There are other families that pray for their alcoholic to recover from addiction so their family can heal... there's no healing for my mother and me even if she never had another drop. Even if it was unbelievably callous and inappropriate of her to point it out, she's right - I DO still have a lot of anger
She also let me know she has written me out of her will. "well, you stopped talking to me."
Ugh, anyway. I really am just trying to go easy on myself. What scares me is the idea that I'm being exactly like her - reacting to a traumatic event by retreating (my social life is practically at a stand still and I'm not working) and playing the victim/blaming someone else for my problems (my mom's the bad guy, here!). I wish I was one of those people who buried themselves in their work - I know that's not the healthiest either but at least I'd have some income
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
My counselor once said an interesting question I could pose to one of my estranged siblings, "what are your plans to make peace with my wife and I?"
another interesting question I've heard as well to gauge people's self-centeredness is, "in what ways do you think you need to grow or change?"
So, if I understood this correctly, she sent you apology e-mails to your blocked e-mail, and that you "lost your chance" to receive them? I'm seriously trying not to laugh here. Making amends is often more about clearing our side of the street. We acknowledge our faults and make a change. Yes, people can make their amends without the other person. But to refuse sending an apology sounds really fishy to me. It's for her benefit, not just yours. That's just my two cents though. Sorry to be judgy about it.
Ultimately, you are the one who decides what feels right for you. She can say how bad you are, how great she is, that you did her wrong all she wants - it doesn't make it true. Out of curiosity, did she ever ask how you felt during this time? Does it matter to her? From your post, my guess is no.
You're an awesome person and I enjoy reading your shares. Thanks seasaw.
(PS - I had an experience where I was really sick and tired and frustrated and find that my behavior gets erratic, mean-spirited, etc. I'm not very nice, especially when I am in the midst of pain. IT made me wonder, what kind of pain do my siblings need to be going through to treat people the way they do? Probably LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of it.)
another interesting question I've heard as well to gauge people's self-centeredness is, "in what ways do you think you need to grow or change?"
So, if I understood this correctly, she sent you apology e-mails to your blocked e-mail, and that you "lost your chance" to receive them? I'm seriously trying not to laugh here. Making amends is often more about clearing our side of the street. We acknowledge our faults and make a change. Yes, people can make their amends without the other person. But to refuse sending an apology sounds really fishy to me. It's for her benefit, not just yours. That's just my two cents though. Sorry to be judgy about it.
Ultimately, you are the one who decides what feels right for you. She can say how bad you are, how great she is, that you did her wrong all she wants - it doesn't make it true. Out of curiosity, did she ever ask how you felt during this time? Does it matter to her? From your post, my guess is no.
You're an awesome person and I enjoy reading your shares. Thanks seasaw.
(PS - I had an experience where I was really sick and tired and frustrated and find that my behavior gets erratic, mean-spirited, etc. I'm not very nice, especially when I am in the midst of pain. IT made me wonder, what kind of pain do my siblings need to be going through to treat people the way they do? Probably LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of it.)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Thanks for sharing Seasaw. My mom did a similar thing to me the last time I saw her, came to the house acting like everything was fine (up until then she hadn't even been able to walk to the mail box) all dressed up and going out to dinner with the woman who harassed me. She acted like things were great and she didn't seem like she had been drinking or anything. But then I heard from my half brother a couple months ago that things were pretty much the same. I would say - don't believe it. Perhaps it's part of the cycle. But even if she isn't using alcohol or drugs anymore so what? Has she apologized? Acted as if she understands what it put you through? Mine hasn't, and won't. And unless it seems like she REALLY gets it (which I don't think there's any chance of) I don't care if she never drinks again, I don't need that negativity in my life. It pained me to hear you say "that she is doing even slightly better than i am" - we are all on different roads and imho I don't think we can judge ourselves against other people like that. You are a valuable person doing the best you can with what you have been given - isn't that all any of us can really do? Don't beat yourself up especially comparing yourself to someone that shows no compassion or empathy even for her own daughter. Hang onto Mr. Seasaw and continue on - we are all here for you. (I haven't posted for a while but do continue to read 3-4 days a week). 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
oooh, I remember a good quote. I try to remember this when I'm feeling like their life is great and here I am struggling.
It's something like, "One reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind the scenes with other people's highlight reel."
Knowing my FOO, with things under the rug and lots of practice managing their outside "image" is truly an art-form. I try to listen to my gut when it says, "hmm...I don't think they're being completely honest here."
It's something like, "One reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind the scenes with other people's highlight reel."
Knowing my FOO, with things under the rug and lots of practice managing their outside "image" is truly an art-form. I try to listen to my gut when it says, "hmm...I don't think they're being completely honest here."
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Sounds to me like your mom is still being manipulative. What a pity party she was throwing with that conversation. As a mom and former alcoholic myself I can't imagine simply emailing my kids to apologize. I would have felt compelled to face them. Also what kind of baloney is she dishing with her I forgive you nonsense?
I am not AA or any other formal program but I felt I absolutely had to make amends with zero expectations from my kids. For them and for myself.
Stay no contact. It's in your best interest emotionally.
I am not AA or any other formal program but I felt I absolutely had to make amends with zero expectations from my kids. For them and for myself.
Stay no contact. It's in your best interest emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Seasaw,
She may be well enough at the moment to pull in a new group of characters. She has set her web and is waiting to pull in a few new enablers.
Work on you sweetheart. Growing up with personality disordered people, you have some symptomology. But you are not her. You know this. You can continue to change and grow. She is playing her same game over and over.
Peace!
She may be well enough at the moment to pull in a new group of characters. She has set her web and is waiting to pull in a few new enablers.
Work on you sweetheart. Growing up with personality disordered people, you have some symptomology. But you are not her. You know this. You can continue to change and grow. She is playing her same game over and over.
Peace!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Thank you for all your responses and support As always, it is appreciated very very much and I take it all to heart. I just watched mr seasaw open a birthday present from his dad that came in the mail... oy. No Contact is definitely for the best, I know this.
I appreciate each of you so much! Even though I'm not around as much, each of you has been a major support and help to me. <3 I'm just having to not think about it AS MUCH these last few months which means not spending as much time on a forum where ACOetc is the theme. but, <3.
As always, it is appreciated very very much and I take it all to heart. I just watched mr seasaw open a birthday present from his dad that came in the mail... oy. No Contact is definitely for the best, I know this. I appreciate each of you so much! Even though I'm not around as much, each of you has been a major support and help to me. <3 I'm just having to not think about it AS MUCH these last few months which means not spending as much time on a forum where ACOetc is the theme. but, <3.
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