charliesworld

I'm gutted! I don't drink very often now - maybe 2/3 times a year but OMG when I start I just can't stop. This last one was horrendous. I started drinking on saturday night and stopped on wednesday night. I stopped drinking all the time when I got pregnant with my second child and then had another fairly close afterwards and that gave me enough time to get out of it. Unfortunately my eldest child who is now 18 suffered the brunt of it all. He won't drink at all now. He told me I'd ruined his life yesterday. I didn't stop until he was about 10.

I feel ridiculously stupid. My neighbours saw me sneaking out for more booze and I'm upset they know this about me. I've kept it from friends although my family know. I've stolen wine from my mum and dads house, money from my kids - I didn't care how I got it I just wanted more. I'd double up on what I bought too in case my partner found one of the bottles and threw it away - the poor bloke has spent the last week searching for bottles. Led to some funny looks in the shop I use (and I only go in there for booze).

I've let a friend down today and a client of mine this week. Physically I'm not doing too bad considering how much I put away but my heart is pounding and I hardly slept a wink last night and I'm covered in bruises. I hate alcohol it's ruining my life because I have no control over it and when I'm in that state I don't care. But I'm ashamed and it makes me feel I'm not as good as others even when I've not touched a drop for months on end. I don't struggle with the daily battle anymore but lets face it I enjoy getting drunk and off my face I just don't seem to have the ability to stop.

The thing is it wasn't that long ago since my last one (April) and my partner thinks I need to get help so I'm back. Absolutely no-one I know has this problem so I have no-one to talk to and I'm worried about what people will think of me if they find out.

My 2 younger children have seen me in states this week that they've not seen me like before and they don't understand. My eldest unfortunately has seen more than he should have over the years and I think he hates me for it. We just told them I was ill and to stay away from me. ARGGGHHHH!!!!

MythOfSisyphus

I'm glad you came back, charliesworld. It looks like it's time to make a change. You'll find lots of support here at SR.

Soberwolf

Welcome Charliesworld

Dee74

That's pretty rough charliesworld.

Do you have any ideas on a plan?

D

veedon

so sorry to hear of the struggles. it's great that you are reaching out here.

when you stopped in the past, how did you do it and did you have support last time?

there are some great posts/stickies at the top of this newcomer forum, which I'm sure you saw. might be good to start researching some ways that might work for you to get some support.

wishing you lots of love and strength in the days ahead.

Hope2014

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. The good news is that this is an illness where YOU control the outcome. There is hope. Join the 24 hour thread and start holding yourself accountable every day. Time can heal alot, but your son needs to build positive memories before he can forget the past. You can turn this around. I'm rooting for you

charliesworld

Thanks guys. I stopped last time due to having 2 babies pretty close together. I literally had 7 months pregnancy free between 1 and the next one so it was nothing actively I did I was kind of forced into it. Since then I have been much better but still keep having these binges - they knock me out for days. I've managed to make it into the office today but I haven't done any work. I just want to get today out of the way - emotionally I am feeling really bad at the moment. I'm gutted that my family have a mum like me. I've let them down big time. I'm mortified. I don't have a plan - I just feel I'll be ok and will fancy getting drunk but then I can't stop and won't until either physically I can't drink anymore or I don't have access to any more booze. Usually if I have a night to myself which doesn't happen often - this is a big trigger for me. I'm rambling now I'll shut up.

IOAA2

Hi.
After a long period of abuse from drinking alcohol my “plan” was to be honest with myself about my drinking and accept the FACT I cannot drink in safety. Forget the harm done to others I needed to stop for myself or I was headed for an institution, prison, death or a very miserable life.
I quickly learned that it’s the first drink that gets me drunk and to work against picking it up.

BE WELL

FreeOwl

well... the good news is this;

if you've only been drinking 2-3 times per year, it's a VERY short leap from there to none at all. Clearly, you know that it is possible to live without booze. All you have to do is knock off those 2-3 times and you're sorted!!



Shake off the shame, forgive yourself the regret, own the decisions you've made, recognize that it's not YOU who has been and done these things that cause your negative feelings but rather it has been the addicted self.....

Embrace sobriety (AND THEREBY, LIFE) fully and you will find that these things never have to haunt you again.

you can do it.

benice

Being a mom is hard. Being a good mom is really hard. Dang this insidious thing we have to fight... sending prayers charliesworld!

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Charliesworld!!

For me continuing on and expecting different results never seemed to work, you know the cycle and the pattern, so formulating a plan around sidetracking the normal pattern of events may be a good idea, nothing changes if nothing changes!!

You can do this!!

On The Road

Charliesworld

One drink always leads to many more. Our disease is progressive and will always get worse until we stop. I, too, thought I could moderate. It was an endless cycle of stopping and starting. And each time it got worse - I was more out of control than before.

I have kids, too. And I don't want them to see me drunk. So I don't drink. Ever. Period.

If I can, you can, too.

charliesworld

Your comments are very much appreciated. I've come home and cleaned my house. No one does anything when I'm not with it and it was a mess. Plus there was a couple of hidden cans to shift so I do feel a bit better now. Had a chat with my other half. He says it every time that I turn into a horrible person. I know why I want them to leave me alone so I can get on with it. I love that I can come here and chat with others going through the same. I met a lady on here years ago and we got e-mailing. She lived in the UK too and was a guilty mum just like me. We lost touch and I do wonder what happened to her.

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, charliesworld. (or welcome back as I guess maybe you used another name before? Doesn't matter anyways.) Hope you'll become an active participant here and rely on the great wisdom and support that many here have to offer. Sounds like this last binge was a truly awful one. Good news is you never have to feel this way ever again.

charliesworld

Thanks Casey. And yes I couldn't reset my password so had to change everything. TBH it was so long ago I could only guess what my old user name and password was. I'm off to join the July group.