LucindaVanPelt

For five weeks I was great. I made it through art openings (that I curated); birthday parties; long-term meet ups that practically demanded drink... And every single time I demurred. Even at my closest friend's 50th birthday.

Then today I met up with friends/ colleagues with whom I'm curating an exhibition and helping to produce a film. And I had at least half a bottle of red.

It's not the total amount, it's the fact that I just didn't say "no", like I did to my friend the night before, when it was his birthday ad I could tell he was a bit disappointed that I wasn't going to go get hammered with him as per our annual tradition.

I like these colleagues very much, but c'mon... none of them would have held it against me had I said no, so why didn't I?

For what it's worth, I really have no fear I will drink tomorrow, or immediately beyond.

But I'm disappointed in myself; I really am.

All comments and advice are welcome and will be taken in the spirit of support. Thank you in advance.

Dee74

Hi again Lucy

Yeah I was great at stopping, but staying stopped was a real ordeal for me.

It was easy for my inner addict to convince me that things might be different now - 'I'd gone 8 weeks without a drink (my record) - I don't need it anymore!'

That's what I call confusing abstinence with control.

I had to accept for good, that I was alcoholic, and that I lacked that off switch.
I had to make decisions that unerringly reflected that realisation.

Finding support to help through the times when I wilfully wanted to forget that fact was vital for me.

D

thomas11

Don't have much to add other than I understand your disappointment. It happens, and I believe as long as you learned something from it, then it wasn't a complete loss. Great to hear you have no urges tugging at you to keep this going tomorrow.

least

I did that, my last relapse, after I'd gone six months sober. I drank for two days and was sicker than I'd ever been. Something in me snapped and I knew I couldn't drink at all anymore. I've been sober over five years now. If I can do it, so can you! Never give up!

Tooshabby

If you can demur amidst all that revelry you obviously have what it takes. I guess it's just a case of focusing on how marvelously you have done. In my experience self-recrimination feels bad and achieves nothing, perhaps worse. I agree that if you can learn from this it can be considered a valuable lesson. You are doing so well - believe it!

happytobealive1

If you really have no urge to drink tomorrow, this weekend, or next month, and you continue to stay clear, than you're fine! But it might be worth taking a look at your life right now---did anything (even something small!) happen to rock you off your perch? Were you feeling particularly vulnerable from a hard day or anxious around your colleagues? As long as you don't take it as a sign that you'll never kick this thing etc. etc. blah blah AV blah, just consider it a kick in the pants reminder to stay constantly vigilant!

Marcher13

Lucinda I work in art too and I can assure you that you don't have to drink but you do need to set up some boundaries so that you don't. I say flat out that I don't drink, if asked I simply say that I feel so much better without alcohol in my system. This is true if not the entire truth.

Having said I don't drink I'd look an idiot if I backed down. I always take something enjoyable to drink. I've done openings where I drink a glass of sparkling water with wafer thin slices of lime & tiny strawberries frozen in ice cubes and others have begged for some of the same, which I provide.

When I sit down at a table I ask for the wine glass to be removed or I remove it myself. My non-alcoholic drinks always look tempting but most of all they are what I enjoy.

The best part is that you can go to an opening , drive home and get up feeling great the next morning.

But you do need to say more than "no" with people you see regularly, you need to say that you don't drink anymore.

Berrybean

Maybe you (mistakenly) didn't feel that this get together would be as much of a threat to your sobriety as the exhibitions and parties were, so didn't put as much forethought into your sober-plan for it. Now you do know how this kind of meet up with friends can trigger you, your next step needs to be developing your strategies for next time you have that kind of meet up. Mine tend to take the lines of asking myself about my: Verbal strategy - what will I say about drinking if someone asks. My Oral strategy - what will I drink instead? And do I need to take anything with me to support that plan? Exit Strategy - best to have one even if I don't think I'll need it (I sometimes include a 'break' strategy as part of this - somewhere I can pop off to for a short break, whether that's 5 mins reading SR on my phone or 20 mins to sit somewhere quiet and have a coffee and get refocussed. )

Mistakes aren't the end of the world. They're an opportunity to learn.

Good luck for the next phase of your sobriety journey

LucindaVanPelt

Thank you all for the excellent advice and words of support. I feel so SO much stronger from them, truly.

Beccybean, you are absolutely right about my need to construct a strategy that factors in every eventuality and then stick to it. Great advice and I will remember this.

Marcher13, actually avoiding alcohol at art openings is the least of my challenges because it's a professional forum. No one would bat an eye if I opt for the soft drink option, which is usually more appealing anyway. My danger zone is the dinner afterwards, so with that in mind, I'll remember your advice about subtly jettisoning the wine glass. My colleagues drink like fish at these things, so it's vital that I don't at all.

Happytobealive1 - Excellent question. I'm not sure. I think it was more a surfeit of confidence blinding me to the fact that as Dee has pointed out: abstinence does NOT equal control. I was with people who are genuinely fond of me in addition to respecting my work. Basically, I think I got cocky (for want of a better word).

Tooshabby - Thank you so much for your reassurance. I really don't have the remotest interest in drinking today, this weekend or the foreseeable future. But I'll be more vigilant in future about slipping into false confidence. Btw, your gif is the coolest!

Least - Your post gives me hope. Thank you. And 5 years is fantastic! Congratulations!

Thomas11 - Thank you for encouraging me not to beat myself up and learn something from all this. I will.

Soberwolf

Have you got a recovery plan Lucy & glad your with us

PurpleKnight

What do you use for support? as your last post was 5 months ago back in Feb.

For me I needed support in the good times and the bad times, something to keep me focused on the job at hand, a second opinion on things when my mind would start to sell me all the great reasons of why I should drink again, in isolation it would grind me down.

That may be an area to work on, some regular support!!

HeadLump

Hi Lucy. I think that maybe, having sailed through the hurdle of the 50th birthday, you relaxed a little and your guard was down. That's always a particularly dangerous time. In the same way, I've noticed that many relapses seem to occur just after significant dates or anniversaries. It's an important reminder about how super-vigilant we always need to be, but the main thing is that you're right back to sobriety again. That shows true determination xxx

doggonecarl

Do they know that you've quit? If no, then you have no accountability and they can't hold drinking against you either.

I'm guessing you drank because you could.

Notimetoloose

You have had a lot going on in the last 5 weeks and have done amazingly well. Especially well with so many events, functions and occasions, etc. Where drinking alcohol is the norm and everywhere.
I find if I attend a lot of events, functions, occasions in a relatively short period of time it has a cumulative effect on my sobriety resolve.
I need to really gather myself for a week or so. I found that I would nod and smile through some of the occasions and stick to my guns and not drink but in the days that followed my sobriety mindset would be threatened.

CaseyW

You've already received a ton of great advice above here, but I just wanted to say I'm glad you're back here. Hope you'll make active, daily participation here a part of your recovery plan moving forward. Building accountability to myself and to others has been the cornerstone of my recovery this time.

Anna

Good for you for getting through 5 weeks!

I would just say what worked for me. I couldn't be around alcohol in the early months of recovery. I tried it and I got through the evening, but the next morning I was off to buy wine. So, I avoided places where alcohol would be involved for many months.

LucindaVanPelt

You must be thinking of someone else. I only joined in June. But in answer to your question. I read relevant books (lots of them), get plenty of exercise, think about recovery every day and check in here.

I post in support of others occasionally, but have only begun two threads and cannot send PMs yet, so my activity is still somewhat limited, but not my interest.

LucindaVanPelt

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Just by the way, this was my friend's 50th, not mine, so there was no such hurdle on my end.

LucindaVanPelt

Nope. And you're absolutely right.

LucindaVanPelt

Thank you Casey. And I do check in here daily. I find it really helps, whether I post or not. I feel less alone and less, hm..."special". Which is no bad thing.