987g

So the RA in my life finally communicated to me about his feelings and he feels that I hold him to unrealistic expectations, mainly because he's not ready for a relationship and I'm asking him more than he can give right now. Okay, I understand that and I totally own up to that. He also realizes he has unrealistic expectations of me because I'm not a mind reader nor do I have social media to "keep tabs" on him. So he realizes that if he's upset, hurt, stressed, busy, wants something from me, ect then he has to communicate with me if he would like me to know something. So I made a list of expectations I had of him and of all the things I get hurt by. Then I crossed off all the things that I myself couldn't do 100% of the time. Then I crossed off everything that is unrealistic of him, especially given his issues and recovery. My 2 pages of expectation dwindled down to just a few, which I was very happy with: I expect him to go to AA and not drink. I also expect him to have manners, support me, and if we are in a defined relationship, then only date me. I also made a list of things I want from myself. I felt better, I really did. But he told me too that if I just stay silent things will go away. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, silence scares me because I'm afraid that it's not temporary but forever. What am I supposed to do...stay silent until he decides enough is enough and he's ready to move on? Am I supposed to avoid him? Or is it more like, just let it be and let whatever is going to happen, happen? Anyone want to shed some light on how silence can fix things?

happybeingme

If he isn't ready for a relationship then all of your questions don't matter. Silence allows for avoidance. How long have you two been together?

dandylion

987G.....I am going to say this straight up: Silence will fix nothing. This man does not want you. It doesn't even matter why.....if a person doesn't want you.....you can never have a healthy relationship. It is an incompatable situation.

I would tell anyone.....sister, daughter....friend or stranger...."Never stay with a person who doesn't want you in their life". To do so devalues who you are as a human being. You don't need to be like the dog who hangs around the back porch hoping for some crumbs and begging to get in. It actually makes me sad that y ou think so little of your self that you would be willing to do this.

At least he has told you the (painful) truth. You should thank him for the information----as it could save you a l ot of ago ny that is bound to co me.

Honey, grab y our bags and bid him farewell. Wish him well--and, be gone.
THEN........
Work on yourself and your self esteem and confidence. Study, learn, get into counseling and attend a support group (alanon is a good o ne). Grieve and allow your broken heart to heal....

Honey....I know you are hating every word of this.....and, you don't want to acept any of it.
But, in good conscience, I cannot say anything different to you.
I care about your welfare. He does not---he cannot---

dandylion

****I think it would help you if you got the book: "Co-dependent No More" and begin to read it. It will help.....

LemonGirl

Silent about what?

Refiner

I concur with everything dandelion just said. Not what you want to hear, but is the cold, hard truth. Be strong.

LexieCat

Sounds like you DO have unrealistic expectations. You've been posting for a year and a half about this guy, and it doesn't sound like he's EVER wanted the kind of relationship with you that you want with him. It sounds as if he tolerates you for the sake of convenience--he must get something out of it now and then (sex, maybe?), but you've never indicated that he's expressed any sort of commitment to you.

Personally, I think you are wasting your time, effort, and mental/emotional energy trying to have a relationship that doesn't really exist. I know you have history, I know you are close to his family. But you aren't "destined" to be with this man. You are CHOOSING to forego other relationships that could actually be rewarding for you.

I don't know what else to suggest--you can't force someone to be in love with you and to put you first. If you choose to continue with him, I would suggest lowering your expectations to ZERO.

Lilro

Sorry but he sounds like a jerk***! If I was you I would hit the ground running....like my hair was on fire!!

Sungrl

One of my favorite sayings, and sorry if I am misquoting, but you get the gist.......never make someone a priority, that only considers you an option. LOVE THAT