Domestic Violence and doing the right thing - semi off topic

Old 07-22-2015, 02:42 PM
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Domestic Violence and doing the right thing - semi off topic

I had a tough day so far, and want to get this on "paper." ABF and I have these friends - he has known the man (lets call him Superdouche (SD) ) his whole life, I have only known them as a couple for the last 8 years. The day I met them, she had a black eye.

I've received many phone calls from her through the last 8 years detailing physical violence towards her in front of their 3 children - all girls. I've witnessed physical violence from him to their family dog, and more verbal and emotional abuse to her and the kids than I care to think about. I've never been around anything like it in my life, and hope never to be around it again. I've pushed and pushed her to leave him the entire time. I've refused to write character letters to get him back in their home after bad enough incidents when the cops were called. I've done my best - yet never called Child Services on them both - against my own better judgment.

Everything came to a head late last year, he cheated on her and left her for the hundredth time, and out of anger she finally got a protection order because of a recent DV incident that left her with staples in her head, and the memories of a shotgun in her face with him yelling that he will kill her in front of the kids.

I have always told her that I would be there should she ever be serious about leaving for a new life, and I have never been quiet to him about how I feel about the whole thing. I manned up on that - helped her move, wrote the court a big letter of facts, and promised her I'd take the stand if need be. ABF is supportive of my decisions and actions on this, but unwilling to do it himself. Sad.

Dude (SD) is a narcissist and an alcoholic - a master manipulator - charming, handsome, charismatic - magnetic even. He has convinced many of their friends that his Ex is a psycho, jealous, and crazy. I've always been able to see him for who he is, because I cannot get passed her stories of horror, no matter how well he smooths them out and reverses blame in front of friends. And partly because of everything I have learned here. He might as well have SD stamped on his forehead in front of me haha. Today, a judge saw him at least in part for who he is, and at least in part with my help.

I sat in court today with one friend that I am angry at for staying so long, against another "friend" (ABF's friend) who I am angry at for just generally being a crappy man.

I wrote a letter with brutal honesty that went against the recanting of protection orders, the recanting of no contact orders, and the recanting of assault charges that shes done over and over. She has even had her other friends and family (her own father) write letters at times telling how great of a guy this POS is, just to get him back in their house....they all knew some of what was going on and did it to "help" her at the time. She has asked me to write letters at those times - I've always refused on grounds of not enabling an abuser and codependent - THANK YOU Sober Recovery!

I am very proud of myself today. I called my parents from the parking lot of the court house to tell them that I am about to do something very difficult, but its the right thing...and to thank them for the values, strength and determination to do so.

Superdouche (SD) and his new GF were over last night for dinner (yeah, the day before court today). They invited themselves and ABF didn't say no - grrr. SD'snew GF pulled me aside at dinner and told me she should have left when I met her on day 1 and told her to RUN. 4 months later - He is abusing her already - controlling her like crazy - she is scared. She told me he is going to ask me to write a character letter for court today. I smiled to her...and went to sit down to dinner with them. SD started to say he had court tomorrow - I interrupted and said "I know - I'll be there with your ex." The tone of the evening changed

SD has a 1" thick file folder of abuse against women charges, protection orders, theft, and drug and drunk offenses. He was sentenced to a few months in jail, lots of counseling and other "classes" and no contact with the ex and 3 kids for a long time.

I am proud of my courage today. I am proud I never lied for either of them. I hope this leads him to recovery and change. I hope this saves his current GF from some abuse - maybe other women - maybe another woman's life. I hope this saves his children from repeating this family dynamic. I am worried it won't and that he will have absolute hatred for me when he is out...knowing he is dangerous. But aside from the future tripping, I am just proud I did the right thing today. Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-22-2015, 02:57 PM
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Firebolt, you are so amazing. I really wish I could click 'Thanks' on your post more than once and have it show. You post has me in tears for the strength and compassion you've shown. Not many would have stepped in like you have. I know I'm not her, but, Thank you.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:35 PM
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Thank you - so hard, but I HAD to.

If anyone is going through violence - I'm so sorry, I heard so much terror today - my heart is just broken for her and her kids. I saw first hand today how changing your story, or not pressing charges will hurt YOU. She thought she was saving herself by saving the abuser at the time.....he would have had 6 - 9 months more of jail time, plus much more no contact time should her story not have changed (to save him consequences) each time it happened.

My hope is that anyone going through that nightmare - call the police every time. Press charges every time. You might save your or someone else's life.

I did things wrong with her for the last 8 years as a "supportive friend". I was pushy and unemotional about telling her to leave. I had little compassion and blamed her for staying. I criticized and shoved statistics and the power and control wheel in her face. She - much like me with my alcoholic - had to do things on her own time, and I could have supported her in a much more loving - yet detached for my own sanity way. I helped make that all better today I hope - and hopefully this will help someone that was in MY position in the situation.

Thanks again for listening - this is very stressful, difficult, I cant talk to our friends or much to ABF about it.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:38 PM
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I would like to give you a HUGE hug. And I'm also glad you know how dangerous he could be to YOU. It probably helps that he's never had you in his power, so he's unlikely to see it as a betrayal, but it can still be dangerous.

I would never let this man darken my door again. You can't control what your husband does and who he sees, but I don't think I could bear having him in my house.

I am SUPER proud of you and grateful on behalf of the women you've helped--the women in his life and the women here. As many times as I've had victims begging me to drop the charges, I've had several thank me later for not doing it. Recanting, minimizing, returning to the abuser, testifying on his behalf, are survival strategies for many victims. It helps a whole lot when other people understand, don't blame them, but put the blame squarely where it belongs.

Thanks for what you did, and thanks for sharing about it. You're my hero for the day--maybe even the month.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:45 PM
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You are so brave. I am really sorry you have been put in this situation.

I was that abused woman one night in a bar full of all my friends, and no one raised a hand as my live-in BF dragged me out of the bar (that he owned) by my hair while I was on my back on the ground.

Cowards, every single person in that bar.

Hero, Firebolt.

It's never going to change as long as women are acting from fear and paralyzed into staying. Women have to stand up. If not for themselves, for each other. I have spent many an hour in the convening decades trying to convince someone to leave an abusive relationship.

I agree with Lexi, I'd never let him near me or my children ever again.
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Old 07-22-2015, 03:55 PM
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Thanks Lexie - good advice on the at my house stuff.

I would never say it to her or her abuser, or even my ABF but I AM a bit scared. I have seen a small amount of his capabilities, and I truly believe that should this go on as it has, he could kill someone. I will tell ABF I don't ever want him at our place when I am there again. What he does on his own time is his, but I won't feel uneasy in my home.

I'm going to PM you. Thank you.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:00 PM
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Bimini - he did the EXACT same thing to her - bar full of people. They just threw him out with her- didn't call for help - nothing. Only person willing to write a statement was the cab driver that drove him home to her. The silence is really enabling!
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:00 PM
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You are simply amazing, how inspiring!!!

I can tell from your posts over the last few months that you have turned a corner in your recovery somehow. Your posts have an extra edge of wisdom, confidence and, well...... Fire!

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Old 07-22-2015, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
I'm going to PM you. Thank you.
Anytime.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:08 PM
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A hero! Thank you. This made my day.

Hope this is long enough for the wife to pick up those kids and move far, far away.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:12 PM
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Me too Red - she seems serious this time. She and the girls are in counseling - her language about it has changed this time. I am so hopeful.
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Old 07-22-2015, 04:19 PM
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You're awesome!!!!
(((Hugs))))
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Old 07-22-2015, 05:27 PM
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Thanks guys. Bimini- your story (((hugs))) people that made it through can help so much! Youre amazing! (((Firesprite))) im getting there...Thank you!
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Old 07-22-2015, 06:03 PM
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Firebolt, it was many years ago. I try very hard these days to not give away my power, but it took some time to get a grip after that. I hope your friend has a way to work through this. I was very young - younger than 21 - and I've only had one other man put his hand on me in anger since.

I left both of them without a word of explanation and never spoke to either of them again.

When my spidey senses kick in - I pay attention.
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Old 07-22-2015, 09:09 PM
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Thank you, firebolt. For your love, compassion and bravery. For honesty, and for being open to changing your own behaviors.

Many people, both the abused and the observers, are unable to break out of their denial and reach out for help. They're unable to connect with their own power that they have within. Congratulations on finding yours. May it always shine brightly and fill you with love. (((Hugs))) Stay safe.

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Old 07-22-2015, 09:54 PM
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Thank you fire bolt. You truly helped your friend the entire time, not just today. But by refusing to go to bat on his behalf when she asked you to, showed her that what happened was real and he should be held accountable. I wish the city attorney had told me no when I called and asked him to drop the charges against my AH who is abusive. I won't go into my situation, but will tell you that you did such an amazing thing today. Not only just for your friend but for all of us involved in domestic violence situations. If we all had one person like you that continuously stood by their convictions and didn't back away from the right thing to do, it would make leaving so much easier. I am so impressed that you saw past his charisma and charm. I am sure at this point, he is more afraid of you than you are of him. Just because he knows you see him for who he truly is. Thank you again for standing up and doing the right thing! Your friend is very blessed to have you! There are a lot of us that would give anything to have a friend like you in our lives.
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Old 07-23-2015, 06:59 AM
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Firebolt you are such a strong amazing woman! What you've done takes a lot of courage.

I'm truly inspired. Hugs!
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Old 07-23-2015, 07:42 AM
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One day this man could kill someone. You helped your friend save herself and her kids. I am so super proud of you. Typing with tears in my eyes for all who have endured violence and abuse. So many times they are such master manipulators and their significant others feel they have no one to turn to. It's such a sad thing.

Thank you for sharing this. Much love! XXX
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Old 07-23-2015, 10:25 AM
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This is an amazing story and very strong journey...you should be very proud of the entire thing, back to the beginning. Thank you for sharing.

No need to answer...but why is ABF still hanging around this guy? That would make me uncomfortable.
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Old 07-23-2015, 01:17 PM
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I am sure at this point, he is more afraid of you than you are of him.
I do think this is the case. He wouldnt look me in the eyes at dinner after i said i was on her side, and he NEVER made eye contact with me in court. As he was leaving my house that night, I said I'd see him tomorrow - he said yeah, "because sometimes wicked prevails" still not looking me in the eye. I chuckled and said ..."yeah." I know that hes in trouble this one time out of a hundred nightmarish incidents.

Thanks so much guys - I DO feel good about what I did - it is SO hard though. And codie me starts to feel bad for him in jail and in a sad sack state....then you guys remind me that that is silly - hes EARNED much more than he's getting.

I have to go to court again Monday for the no contact duration hearing. I have a lot more to say - that is incriminating to him. Tough, but has to be done.

I told ABF last night that I don't want SD around when I am he said he completely understands. I don't know what will happen with their friendship. I feel sad for ABF - he can count his friends on one hand, and SD is one of them. I am the opposite, it would suck to cut someone out of my life, but I have awesome friends a plenty to make it easier.

Thanks for the support guys - so lucky to have you all!
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