bonesofhope

I have recently achieved 50 days sober. My record in the past, and today, I am not bloody drinking either, so Im gonna beat that record. I have been in therapy and a lot of the things I have been addressing has been stuff rooted in my childhood, and a lot of it has been caused by my home situation.

My parents divorced at 6 and I lived between two houses for the next 10 years. As a kid i don't have any memories of my mum drinking, but when I was about 13 she started going to a friends house every Friday night and getting wasted. Wasted as in crawling home on her hands and knees drunk. Falling asleep with the oven on and the door wide open. It was just "fun" to them. Normal. This is about the time I started drinking too. Obviously I didn't have very good role models for drinking if this was seen as normal and I started behaving similarly too, though in secret.

mums drinking has continued and increased over the past 10 years. I moved out 5 years ago, unable to live with it anymore. Now she is on her own and I worry nonstop about her. My mum and my brother no longer speak after a massive drunken argument (7yrs ago) where he smashed out the back window of her car and put holes in the wall next to her head because of something she had said, drunkenly, that triggered all of the past problems left unsaid. We don't talk as a family. My mum has hit me, slapped me and said things I will never forget, and she doesn't remember doing them at all, so has never apologised. When I first told her I was depressed, she locked herself in the toilet on holiday with a 2 litre bottle of vodka and all her pills, saying she might as well kill herself as she's failed her children. I did not tell her again for another 12 years, until after I almost failed university and have been on suicide watch.

However, since talking about imy recent struggles there has been a shift in our relationship. My mum is lovely and supportive when not drunk, and she has been really good about my problems. But I find it hard to be around her when she is drinking anything, at all. I know she knows she has a problem - there are books on her bookshelf about it. But I also don't understand why she isn't trying to stop at all. Her aunt died of alcoholic pancreatitis and kidney failure in her 50s, and her father was also an alcoholic. She puts vodka In her pink lemonade when I am there, is pissed almost every time we visit. My boyfriend doesn't like visitng, she just rambles and acts weird when we are sober. She thinks she has a teetotal daughter because I pretend not to drink around her - the arguments we've had in the past were violent and traumatic when I didn't back down because i too was drunk.

Every time I try to talk about it, she shuts me down. But now I am moving away from my hometown and I am already worrying about Christmas in July. Who dreads christmas that early? I don't want to come home and watch her get drunk again all Christmas Eve, I hate it. I don't know how to approach the subject, to tell her my problems when she has no idea and I have a feeling she will be furious if I tell her it all started because of her own relationship to alcohol.

Any help would be amazing, sorry for the ramble.

FeelingGreat

Congratulations on deciding to become sober, and doing it at a time when you have your life ahead of you. I sympathise with you about your mother because mine always became nasty after drinking and would carry on some imaginary fight the next day. There was nothing you could do and it was horrible when we were young.
Your mother sounds a lot worse. She's been physically and emotionally abusive; who threatens suicide to their teenage daughter? That's appalling. Yet she's lovely when sober.
The key to dealing with drunks in the family where you want to maintain a relationship is to set a boundary that you won't be around her when she has been drinking. No exceptions. Talking or interacting with a drunk person is useless and just causes you pain.
My suggestion, which you could discuss with your therapist and husband, is to set out the boundary by writing her a letter explaining why you're doing this. You could write something along the lines of:
1. Love you Mum you're the best when sober.
2. While drunk (detail some of the things she's done while drunk); this has caused you great unhappiness
3.You've decided not to expose yourself to this any more for your own sake
4. Hope she decides to seek treatment

Be prepared for her to test the boundaries. Drunken phone call (tell her she's been drinking you're going to put the phone down now), suicide threats (call police, tell them she's been threatening), putting you down to relatives (if you trust them, let them know what's going on). Your husband can be a big support, so make sure he's involved.

She probably needs you as much as you need her so her aggression may eventually become acceptance. She may or may not seek treatment, but that's her decision.

bonesofhope

Thank you for your help. I've threatened to call the police when she's been smacking her head against the wall repeatedly in an argument (I don't even kow why) she just turned it in to a lecture about how it would destroy her career, is that really what I want?

I guess I know I need to write that letter, but I'm petrified. I'm pretty sure she cut out her ex boyfriend because he confronted her drinking, and as much as she infuriates me, I don't want that to happen because I love and worry about her too much. But I guess it is also a good time to do so, seeing as for the first time in my life there will be a big gap between our meetings.

Kialua

Welcome! My dad was the drinker and my mom was the enabler. I too drank to excess as a teen trapped in this home but quit when I left and have not drank since. Not saying everyone needs to do that but I had to.

Whenever I tried to confront my mom she would deny everything and then go into the hospital with fake heart attacks and my dad telling us she was going to die so be nice to her. She continued to do this till she did die –– at 97! This is not a fun life you and I have but it's the one we have. Now it's time to learn to negotiate it and get on with our life. I did just that. My dad didn't stop drinking till he was 80 and there was much drama and denying for decades. But I was emotionally disconnected with them and didn't care one way or the other. I had very limited contact with them and when he was drunk I was out of there. I had my boundaries and kept them. Never left my child with them once.

It really is her decision and wether she blames you or not it's not your fault. Have you read through our stickies above? They are really helpful. I hope you get on with your life and let her find her way.

FeelingGreat

Bones I know it's a big step, and I'm 100% certain you'll be in for a rocky ride for a while, including being temporarily cut out of her life. She's had free reign with emotional manipulation and she's not going to settle down quietly. However you're not trying to control her, just your reaction to her.

BTW if you feel you need to call 911 because she's threatening suicide, go ahead and do it. She's chosen to act that way and 'ruin' her career. I bet the threats would end quickly after that.

She seems to have psychological power over you with threats and rants, so the alternative to setting boundaries will be that you'll start avoiding her more and more, and miss out on the good bits.

If you don't feel strong enough right now, can I suggest you go over the whole thing with your therapist, including role plays where you practice responding to emotional blackmail and abuse? I read a book years ago, and I know it's still on Amazon, called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' by Manuel Smith. It has detailed role plays for dealing with difficult people assertively, and this includes parents who try to control their children with guilt. There may be other good books out there along the same lines.

When you feel ready and strong enough, go ahead and write your letter, and strap yourself in for a short period where the sky will fall in, followed by a much improved relationship with your AM.