New here- Im so confused
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
New here- Im so confused
I am so utterly conflicted. I've been together with my husband for about 3 years. I left him back in March due to his drug use and behaviors towards me. We have an infant child and I felt it was my duty to get our son and myself out of such a toxic environment especially considering the gravity of the situation.
Anyways to my point- my AH is the most wonderful and charismatic man I've ever met and I love him dearly but over the past year he has treated me awful- I chalked this up to his addiction that literally started and escalated before I knew what happened. I tried for a year to get him help, to fix him, to "love" him better (there were many ups and downs) but it was disappointment after disappointment. He'd go out on his drug binges and Id have no idea where he was, who he was with.... He's yelled at me, manipulated me, lied to me, I'm fairly certain cheated on me... Everything was always all about HIM. I have suffered family deaths, personal troubles etc and it was still all about making sure he was ok. Finally I went and got help- I saw my role- I realized that I couldn't help him and by me staying I was not only putting my and my son's life in danger I was inadvertently enabling him.
Since leaving he has spiraled. I feel responsible still. I was so terrified of him though. Long story short since I left I've made a great effort for him to see our son- but only if Im there and his family is around- his family is great they are my family too. There have been many explosions at me since leaving followed by apologies and him saying how much he misses me and wants me back. I love and miss him too but Ive stayed away bc I knew he was getting worse. Anytime Id bring up that he needed help he'd get very VERY angry at me and deny drug use.
Even with all of the horrid things that have happened I care so much about him, I want my old best friend and mate back. This past weekend he snapped- ransacked his moms house, stole money, threatened her, a dealer vandalized his car, apparently he's been going to his dealers hotel and his dealer I guess pimps out these girls and anyways it all came to a head and long story short his mom drove him to a treatment facility yesterday. I am SO glad he is there- he told me he was ready and it was time.
But before he left (amongst a lot of chaos to get him to go) I found out about another girl he apparently has some kind of relationship with bc he sent a group text (I didn't realize she was on it) to let us all know and we all wrote back something encouraging but later that night (the day before he left for rehab) this chick texts me that he left her house in a bad state of mind and if i could please call his mom to let her know... I called his mom and his sister answered and we were worried about AH so we called this girl and it broke my heart. She said he came to her house I guess after he vandalized his moms (she didn't know this) and she said she tried to help him sober up and let him stay there and also said they looked up treatment places etc. We are still married
I never gave up on him I just could no longer enable him and I couldn't stay there with him, I wasn't making anything better- he was only getting worse now to hear not only he was hanging around prostitutes but also had a "relationship" with some ex coworker (he lost his job), Im crushed. She talked to me like I was supposed to know who she was. She said on the phone "Im sorry we all had to meet like this" , I didn't even know what to say. I'm still married to this man... I couldn't even get mad at her bc who knows how he manipulated her I guess
All the time since I left he says how much he loves me and wants his family back etc. But I've stood firm on telling him I love him and care for him too but that we couldnt come back. I'm trying hard to think through this and how to process this but I just feel broken I know I did the right thing when I left but I didn't expect him to find someone. I realize this must sound so crazy. I just feel blindsided but very glad he's safe right now at the treatment center.
Is it bad that I'm angry at her..angry at him..angry at this whole situation I feel like I could cry for days but I've kept it together. I just want him to be ok- so I suppose I need to just shelf my feelings and anger for now.
This is my first post I've lurked for a few weeks.. I'm so sorry this is so long!!! I just realized how much I needed to get off my chest.
Anyways to my point- my AH is the most wonderful and charismatic man I've ever met and I love him dearly but over the past year he has treated me awful- I chalked this up to his addiction that literally started and escalated before I knew what happened. I tried for a year to get him help, to fix him, to "love" him better (there were many ups and downs) but it was disappointment after disappointment. He'd go out on his drug binges and Id have no idea where he was, who he was with.... He's yelled at me, manipulated me, lied to me, I'm fairly certain cheated on me... Everything was always all about HIM. I have suffered family deaths, personal troubles etc and it was still all about making sure he was ok. Finally I went and got help- I saw my role- I realized that I couldn't help him and by me staying I was not only putting my and my son's life in danger I was inadvertently enabling him.
Since leaving he has spiraled. I feel responsible still. I was so terrified of him though. Long story short since I left I've made a great effort for him to see our son- but only if Im there and his family is around- his family is great they are my family too. There have been many explosions at me since leaving followed by apologies and him saying how much he misses me and wants me back. I love and miss him too but Ive stayed away bc I knew he was getting worse. Anytime Id bring up that he needed help he'd get very VERY angry at me and deny drug use.
Even with all of the horrid things that have happened I care so much about him, I want my old best friend and mate back. This past weekend he snapped- ransacked his moms house, stole money, threatened her, a dealer vandalized his car, apparently he's been going to his dealers hotel and his dealer I guess pimps out these girls and anyways it all came to a head and long story short his mom drove him to a treatment facility yesterday. I am SO glad he is there- he told me he was ready and it was time.
But before he left (amongst a lot of chaos to get him to go) I found out about another girl he apparently has some kind of relationship with bc he sent a group text (I didn't realize she was on it) to let us all know and we all wrote back something encouraging but later that night (the day before he left for rehab) this chick texts me that he left her house in a bad state of mind and if i could please call his mom to let her know... I called his mom and his sister answered and we were worried about AH so we called this girl and it broke my heart. She said he came to her house I guess after he vandalized his moms (she didn't know this) and she said she tried to help him sober up and let him stay there and also said they looked up treatment places etc. We are still married
I never gave up on him I just could no longer enable him and I couldn't stay there with him, I wasn't making anything better- he was only getting worse now to hear not only he was hanging around prostitutes but also had a "relationship" with some ex coworker (he lost his job), Im crushed. She talked to me like I was supposed to know who she was. She said on the phone "Im sorry we all had to meet like this" , I didn't even know what to say. I'm still married to this man... I couldn't even get mad at her bc who knows how he manipulated her I guessAll the time since I left he says how much he loves me and wants his family back etc. But I've stood firm on telling him I love him and care for him too but that we couldnt come back. I'm trying hard to think through this and how to process this but I just feel broken
I know I did the right thing when I left but I didn't expect him to find someone. I realize this must sound so crazy. I just feel blindsided but very glad he's safe right now at the treatment center. Is it bad that I'm angry at her..angry at him..angry at this whole situation
I feel like I could cry for days but I've kept it together. I just want him to be ok- so I suppose I need to just shelf my feelings and anger for now. This is my first post I've lurked for a few weeks.. I'm so sorry this is so long!!! I just realized how much I needed to get off my chest.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR SunGrl! Thank you for posting!
I think many partners of addicts fall Into this canyon. The addict finally agrees to get some help with great drama and then all sorts of information starts to come to the surface. So often the focus is on the addict getting better that the partner is expected to shelve their feelings and reactions.
Addicts use people. When you cut him off, he found another source.
My advice is cry for days. Process your emotions. If you need to, get checked with your OB for STDs. I think a counselor is a wise release mechanism. When your friends are sick of you rehashing all of this, you've got someone to work through this situation in your corner!
Take care of you.
I think many partners of addicts fall Into this canyon. The addict finally agrees to get some help with great drama and then all sorts of information starts to come to the surface. So often the focus is on the addict getting better that the partner is expected to shelve their feelings and reactions.
Addicts use people. When you cut him off, he found another source.
My advice is cry for days. Process your emotions. If you need to, get checked with your OB for STDs. I think a counselor is a wise release mechanism. When your friends are sick of you rehashing all of this, you've got someone to work through this situation in your corner!
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I love him dearly but
i imagine if you searched that phrase on this site you would get 100's of hits. of course we LOVE them and at one time they probably WERE pretty great, they seemed larger than life, and pulled us in.....then once they had us securely nailed to something, their other darker side came out.
not all addicts go off the rails and become hostile, violent, and go hook up with other women. nor do they steal from their own mothers, threaten their own mothers, steal, lie, destroy. treatment won't FIX every problem, every issue, every other mental health defect.
what is important NOW is you and your child's safety and security. he JUST got to treatment.....you will need to stay back and WATCH his actions over the next YEAR to see if he is really serious. recovery from drug addiction is a lifetime prospect and getting to the point of quitting and STAYING quit takes a lot of work and a lot of TIME.
i imagine if you searched that phrase on this site you would get 100's of hits. of course we LOVE them and at one time they probably WERE pretty great, they seemed larger than life, and pulled us in.....then once they had us securely nailed to something, their other darker side came out.
not all addicts go off the rails and become hostile, violent, and go hook up with other women. nor do they steal from their own mothers, threaten their own mothers, steal, lie, destroy. treatment won't FIX every problem, every issue, every other mental health defect.
what is important NOW is you and your child's safety and security. he JUST got to treatment.....you will need to stay back and WATCH his actions over the next YEAR to see if he is really serious. recovery from drug addiction is a lifetime prospect and getting to the point of quitting and STAYING quit takes a lot of work and a lot of TIME.
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