thomas11

Hi everyone, I'll get right to the point. Been sober now for a fair amount of time (maybe 55-57 days?). I posted some very honest things while drunk. Some could be construed as braggadocios, crazy, sad, and dark. I have experienced one heck of a roller-coaster ride in my 47 years, like I am sure many of you have. But many of those thoughts and feelings I posted still exist, they were just amplified while drunk. They are real, they still exist. The biggest one is that I still often feel like I have failed (or am failing) in life. I believe I have been treated unfairly in my childhood, and I am still being treated unfairly in my adulthood in regards to our small family (black sheep thing). Those feelings have not disappeared. At my age I feel I should be secure about my future (I am not), I believe I should be financially secure (I am not), I also feel that I should be entering a period of life when I could be downshifting a little bit and not grinding away at the speed of light every day just to stay afloat. Everyone in my family is at an age where we should all just be happy to be together and appreciate we have our health and each other. Instead there are still family squabbles that are complete bullsh*t. I once told someone, "I am dissatisfied with life". And that's not the booze talking, I kind of am.
So my point is that I've read about gratitude, and as I go further down the sobriety rabbit hole, maybe that is something that would benefit me. Because at the same time, I fully understand things could always be worse and there are many people in the world who are far worse off than I am. Any input on the benefits of gratitude are appreciated.

jazzfish

I like to write out a short list of things I am grateful for each morning. I will sometimes do the same in the evening if I am struggling. For me, it is a form of meditation that helps me stay focused (a little bit) on the positive things in my life. I am naturally pessimistic and skeptical of everything. Unfortunately, those moods tend to steer me toward giving up and going back to drinking. Working my gratitude (and some other things) helps me stay in a mood that make sobriety easier.

Dee74

I can remember wanting to fix everything at once Jeff - and someone stopped me dead by saying 'what if you're right where you need to be right now'?

I didn't end up where I was overnight - and recovery from that wasn't an overnight thing either.

I really learned the value of getting out my own way.

I had so many expectations and 'should bes' that I was getting bogged down - I learned to let go a little and go with it

I'm glad I did because my idea of what my sober life should be like was nothing like what transpired - and that was a good thing. My vision was poorer than this....

The first part of recovery - the not drinking - was hell, but in many ways it was easier than the second part - working out who I was and what I wanted from life.

You'll get there Jeff.

D

EndGameNYC

If you have people and conditions in your life (including your health) with whom and with which you feel you could not live without, then you have something to be grateful for.

Olive1

Hi Thomas,
Gratitude is the cornerstone of my sobriety.
It did not come easy, getting sober was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But as I got more sober time, I realized how much I really had to be thankful for. Deep breaths and a gratitude list is what I always do if I am ever feeling the slightest danger of slipping.
Even with the worst of days, if I find one thing that I am grateful for, then I have had a good day.
And, trust me on this, once you start making a list, it just keeps growing and growing.

Thank you for making my think of my list this evening.

Cathryn2001

I can relate to much of what you've written here, Thomas. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know that practicing gratitude can bring about remarkable changes in the way we perceive ourselves/circumstances. Thank you for that reminder.

Venecia

Rome wasn't built in a day, Jeff.

You also may find, with time, that some of the things that are weighing on you shift in their importance. The issues with the family, for instance, may be ones that don't hurt as much because you come to realize that while you can change yourself, you cannot change them. (And I know it's not easy -- I've had some ups and downs with my sole sibling.) But the changes you experience are of value.

wehav2day

Recovery is the process of learning to live a sober life. It takes a while, and is a continuing process of self discovery. Just keep working at being sober and being a better you, everything else will fall into place. Sounds stupid, I know, but it's true.

As for gratitude, it's always a good time for gratitude!! The best time for gratitude is when being grateful is the last damn thing you want to do. That's when we need gratitude the most. It ALWAYS makes me feel better to count my blessings.

courage2

I can't remember how long I've been posting on the forum to a gratitude list every morning. Longer than I've been sober LOL. The first thing I do every morning is post my commitment to a sober 24 hours, and then (once my coffee's ready) I post to a gratitude thread (there are several here). It puts me in a better frame of mind for whatever happens in the day. I don't overthink it (says an overthinker) -- I just do it.

Edit -- I checked -- I've been doing it for at least 2 years and 4 months. Maybe more. It's been good.

Zufrieden

Hi Thomas
I have many of the same feelings towards my family and the sometimes really unhealthy dynamic. In the five weeks sober, minus a screwup his weekend, I have grown a bit in ways I didn't expect.
How?
It's hard to explain but a concept keeps coming to mind that I repeat like a mantra I myself. When I was young and untested I used to defend people by sYin that they were struggling souls. I failed to recognize that I was also in that category.
As I've gained sober days I've started to return to myself a bit and my thin skinned anger has started to remember the younger empathetic voice I once had.
I think that many of us here started out life as overly caring folks who just bowed down to the weight of it all. My hope for Isis that we learn to protect ourselves as necessary whilst becoming a strength to those who we formerly let hurt us. They are not only struggling souls but also blood in many cases.
I want to grow to the point that I have the wisdom to be the person whoops further and learns to love and honor those in my life, to the extent possible.
It's a tall order but something that sustains me.
I had it once and want it back again, but through a more wise and protective lens.
Drunks or not our family and friends have their own demons.
Sobriety gives me hope that I can operate I a more enriching playing field.
Hang in their.
Don

Zufrieden

Typing from bed...many typos...apologies

Marcher13

Jeff in many ways you remind me of myself. I could well be wrong but I see you as a somewhat driven (self-driven) personality with a dash of Type A and occasional self doubt, much as I see myself.

That you are thinking about these issues shows how far along the sobriety road you've come, cut yourself some slack and give yourself a pat on the back for that.

Besides sobriety itself the #1 thing I have learned is peace and acceptance, a serenity in many ways, something I've never had before.

Like Courage I post on Morning Gratitude and the 24 Hour thread most days. Just reading MG offers wonderful perspective and it makes me increasingly aware of the abundance in my life. The great thinkers and philosophers of every age suggest focusing on our blessings, and it's repeated so often it almost sounds almost trite... until you do it.

As with sobriety muscles, gratitude muscles need work. At first it may seem rote and insignificant but keep working on it, it is so worth it.

PurpleKnight

For me Sobriety was a great foundation to build a life on, but Rome wasn't built in a day as they say.

Things are gonna take time, goals, projects, aspirations, plans, we can lay the foundation but fruition won't happen overnight, it'll take a while!!

Soberwolf

Really liked a sentence in D's post 'What if right now your where your meant to be' someone said that to me too

Aellyce

Jeff, I might be seeing it wrong, but from your post it sounds that the feelings your are describing are probably older than your drinking habit was. Drinking may have made it both worse and also probably at times anesthetized it, turning it into the roller coaster you describe. And now with some sober time and reflection, it's all back (or you are acutely aware of it again) on you. Like others pointed out, it takes time to work through our challenges -- sobriety, imo, is a great and necessary foundation, but not all the solution in itself.

I had an acute sense of impending doom and failure for a significant chunk of my life, and it still haunts me at times. When I was young, I think this feeling contributed to my becoming an ambitious and independent person, which I think are positive qualities. I personally found it very useful to figure out the origin and mechanism of this phenomenon; as you can probably imagine it's complex, part of it is anxiety but it's interesting to identify how the anxiety developed (other than I was most likely born with a predisposition), and there is a whole "empire" built around it. One important discovery for me was that the sense of dissatisfaction, restlessness, etc is really not related to ongoing external factors in my life, at least nothing that I could not change if I wanted to. Much more a feeling within that I sometimes externalize especially at times of high stress, and then "reality" can appear quite dark in the moment. I think I learned to cope with this when I was young in a way that I made myself believe everything is training and a learning exercise, and investment into some future I will one day find (or more precisely, establish with my efforts), and be finally content with it. What can I bring to the table, where can I find my niche in life? It was one of the biggest challenges in my life to let go of this perception and thinking, also because I had to quite drastically re-frame my motivational structures. Still does not always work, but I feel I've improved significantly my ability to stay in the present and focus on my ongoing experience, rather than attempting to escape it because I feel uncomfortable in my skin in some moments.

Another major method that helps me tons, especially when I get excessively stuck in my fixations and become overly critical about myself, is to get external feedback on myself and my life, from people whose views and vision I trust. Mentors, close friends that are genuine friends enough to tell me anything, I also have a therapist now with whom we now do the feedback thing mutually in a sort of symbiotic way that I'm quite fascinated with... All this can be really helpful to correct my perceptions when it gets distorted or overly fueled by anxiety, focusing on what is missing instead of what is there. I also learned to do this by myself, for example make a list of things I have in my life and am grateful for, against another list where I put things I feel lacking or not good enough (inside or outside). Looking at this on a piece of paper (or a computer screen) as a more external observer tends to lead to many interesting and useful insights. I am saying this to you especially because based on bits and pieces you have shared here on SR about your life, it definitely does not sound like a failure to me. You also seem to be an intelligent and practical person who is not afraid to speak his mind and be direct -- this on its own is something to be grateful for in my book at least.

If you feel dissatisfied with your social environment... well, that is something you can definitely work on and change if you put your mind into it. And I will give it to you with warranty to back up my statement if you want, that sobriety is a great foundation for this as well. Something I am also working on myself.

I have never contributed to the gratitude threads here but I think it's a great idea and as you see from the responses, helpful to many.

DitzyDandelion

This sounds so familiar.

FBL

For years I thought that my drinking was helping me get through life, when it turns out it was a major obstacle in my life. Once drinking was removed from the equation, I could start to work on the issues that made me drink in the first place. We can't change the past and the future is unknown, so just deal with the present and the rest will take of itself.

doggonecarl

True, but these are your problems and you have a right to feel as miserable about them as you want.

If misery is your goal.

Gratitude may get you to accept your situation, but it won't resolve it. Read FormerBeerLover's post again. Read it three times. You have to work on the issue that you once drank over. That's what sobriety is all about. Living the solution, Jeff.

zjw

"the deaf person strains to hear, while the hearing person craves silence. each one wants what they dont have. find what you want in what you have and happiness will be assured."

Its a work in progress for me to find contentment and to be ok with contentment. I was raised to constantly set a goal achieve it then set another goal never to rest on my laurels but to always have a goal to go chasing after nothing is ever good enough is what i was tought basicly that lead to much much dissatisfaction. I remind myself all the time that there are many out there with far far less then what I got and are Ions more happier then i am.

There is a story about a man who decides to go to try a new meditation. he goes to the monestary they lock him in a room and bring him a meal 3 times per day and he's suppost to stay in this room doing nothing but meditating for days on end. for the first 4 hours or so this goes great. Then he starts to get discouraged angry that the monks wont even talk to him angry that all they do is bring the food and leave he can hardly beleive no one is coming around to have a conversation etc.. Finally the monk comes opens the door and asks him how its going. He said well the first few hours where good but its been terrible ever since etc.. the monk looks around the room and says well all is the same in this room nothing has changed. So in the moments where thinks when bad for you what changed? then he shuts the door and leaves.

Point is sometimes theres really nothing wrong with our lives but our outlook everything is just the way that it is and everyhing is exactly how it should be.

You cant have perfection without imperfection they both define each other. I'd say perfection basicly includes imperfection.

Maybe right where you are is right where you need to be?

Saskia

Jeff, it sounds to me like you are bumping up against some of the same things that many of us do:

Family of origin dynamics
Childhood difficulties
High expectations of ourselves in spite of knowing that many are worse off
Etc.

I found a gratitude list to be very helpful. Every morning I try to write down one thing I am grateful for. The first bunch were rather obvious and tame. As I progressed, my gratitude became deeper and more meaningful.

Acceptance is also huge. Accepting that we have issues with our families that may never be resolved. Accepting that, yes, we have experienced some tough things in our lives (we all have and we don't get points for that). Kudos to those who work on their issues and learn how to rise above them. We can choose to wallow in the past or we can choose to live in the present and make the very best of whatever hand we were dealt.

This doesn't happen overnight but as we stay in the present and stay sober, this stuff becomes clearer with time.