Alcoholic mother

Old 07-20-2015, 03:22 PM
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Alcoholic mother

For starters, I am sober but as an alcoholic I know how hard it can be to get help.

My mom is an alcoholic and has been one my whole life. There are periods that I have completely blocked out so I don't have to remember them. I am having difficulty stepping back from her and letting go of the fact that she will probably never get better. I guess I am very angry towards her and just want to unleash my verbal bile on her but I know that it won't help. It might make me feel better for a minute but it won't help the situation.

I have set boundaries and hardly ever see her. I told her that I wouldn't be around her if she drank and she still chooses to drink. I still come around but only to see the rest of my family. Should I not come around at all and stand by my word? I feel like I'm not following through on what I said I was going to do.

My dad is very codependant on her and talks to me about her and how bad she is but then buys her a new car or takes her to a casino to get drunk. I'm trying to set boundaries with him as well but it is very hard. I feel like a bad daughter and this whole situation just breaks my heart.

I can't stop thinking about this whole issue. My brother and sister usually just walk on eggshells around my mom and don't do anything that they say they are going to do or they just don't want to discuss it at all.

I've started going to al-anon to work on myself which will in turn change my ways on how I handle this situation. I know that recovery takes a long time and that changing my ways is a type of recovery as well. Recovering from alcohol took a couple of years and I have to work on it daily. I just want this fixed and I want my obsession with it to go away.

Anyone have thoughts on this? Thanks for all of your help!
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Old 07-20-2015, 03:41 PM
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Boundaries are for you not them. This is something I took a while to figure out.

If you decide you want to relax them you can and you should without adding to your guilt and beating yourself up.

I initially set a boundary with my beloved alcoholic bride that I would commit to a future with her but my boundary was that I will not have active alcoholism or addiction in my home because it is not healthy for me or our son OR HER.

She got sober after I gave her an ultimatum of hospital or out but not home drinking 4 years ago. Back then, that was the right boundary FOR ME and for her. She lost her home, the man she loved and the life she dreamed of.

But that was four years ago when she was my very troubled and pregnant girlfriend. Today she is my wife and my best friend and I have seen 4 years of her working recovery and during that time my boundaries have changed and it was difficult when I told her that they had but I wanted her to know that I realize she is likely to have a slip or two in the next 40 years and I decided that first of all, I knew damned well that if she starts drinking tomorrow I will do whatever I can to get her back to her meetings and off the booze but I'm not kicking her out. I will let the situation - which may never happen - dictate my response.

I also realized that 4 years ago when she was going to AA to get the heat off of her the fear of losing everything was a strong deterrent. Today she understands and wants recovery for herself so it was more important, in my judgment, for her to feel safe and secure because fear of abandonment is one of her skeletons in the closet that screws her up and I would rather she knows I am all in. I told her that I could not tell her how many relapses would be too many but I knew that the next one, should it happen, would not be.

She's established her own boundaries. She left when my refusal to get help with my own issues caused depression and anxiety and was threatening her sobriety. God what a woman... anyway her boundary is that she won't live with a crazy person either.

Your boundaries are there for you, you don't even need to communicate them. You can alter them as your feelings and the situation dictates because if you are taking care of you then those boundaries will likely evolve with your increasing ability to accept others as they are and not as we might wish for them to be. If their misbehavior no longer makes you nuts, you needn't inconvenience yourself with an overly stringent boundary.

Stop kickin your own ass voluntarily ;-) If you set a boundary and feel you must go against your gut to stick to it then you are kinda beating yourself up aren't you?

The first person we have to learn to forgive and accept is us. Figure that one out and the rest gets easier (so I'm told!!!!)

Oh - and although I know the above to be correct and healthy it is one thing to know it and another to live it. If I listened to myself I would not be here ;-)
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Old 07-20-2015, 03:42 PM
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Well, the boundary is for you, not her, so you don't have to declare anything to her. You can make your own boundary that if you become too uncomfortable you will leave. I see no reason you should avoid your whole family unless you are too uncomfortable around the drinking/enabling/random dysfunction. Your boundary can be that you will take care of yourself and recognize that your parents and sibs will have to take care of themselves--you don't have to be ruled by a sense of familial obligation.

Congrats on your sobriety!
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Old 07-20-2015, 03:50 PM
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I just love Lexie and others who can say in a paragraph what takes me a volume. If you ever think it gets loud in your head just spend a week in mine ;-)
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Old 07-20-2015, 03:59 PM
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Yes there is no reason why you can't see your family and deal with your mother. I suggest working on detaching from your mom and let your boundary be that she isn't allowed to upset you.

I suppose that sounds a little ridiculous, but that is a boundary I have with my own mother and it works. Not an alcoholic, but for reasons too lengthy to explain, that boundary has to be there when she goes into her black cloud days. I don't get sucked into conversations that will end bad. Often times I just let her say what she wants to say and I say nothing but "hmmm" or "ok".

And my father will bitch about my mother until my ears bleed. Its not all the time, just during the black cloud days. And yes he will also say something nasty and then kiss her butt as soon as the door opens. So I also have a boundary with him 'I don't want to hear it". Took a couple of times but now he doesn't say anything about her anymore.

Good luck with this there are ways to handle it. As for wanting to scream at her a punching bag works (or a pillow just make sure its not feathers ). Not kidding.
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Old 07-20-2015, 11:19 PM
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Hi Patty! My mama is an alcoholic as well... and I live with her. Long story short, she left my real dad when I was 11; he is an abusive wake-up-and-drink-whiskey alcoholic. I don't talk to him anymore and haven't in years. My step dad came in to the picture immediately. Another alcoholic but a really likable person (really), but he died just over 2 years ago from liver cancer (drinking). Now in my mom's grief she has upped her drinking and I can tell she is struggling to regulate it (which tells me she has crossed the line into alcoholism).

Anyway.... she is also a lovely person. Respected, functional, warm with her grandkids (my kids).... except, sometimes that all disappears some nights and she just gets so angry (insert reason that never happened here), and she gets almost verbally-bully-like in her efforts to tell you her very stubborn opinions. When those opinions cross over onto me..... it is always some sort of guilt trip where I am supposed to feel bad for the way I parent or my love life or maybe I'm just not doing enough around the house... most of this is erroneous and she won't even remember it in the morning. That, so far, is as bad as it gets.

So.... boundaries....

I find myself hanging out in my room more often. I find myself taking me and my kids out more often to get away. (She only drinks at night though). I find myself talking about alcoholism to my daughters (age appropriate for 8 & 12 yr old girls). I find myself making plans to go away for a few days with no concern for if she has the day off and wants to spend time with us or not. At times, we do spend quality time together. Recently she took my girls and I up North to a great beach and fun little town. She was having fun. It was open mic night at the restaurant/bar we went to. I didn't drink... and she got wasted. I did get up to sing (I'm a singer), and when it came time to get my girls in bed I left, and left my mom there by herself to continue drinking... she walked back to our hotel which was a quarter mile away... at 1AM, by herself, 58 years old, with over $100 in her purse which she flashed to the whole restaurant at one point.

I put the worry out of my mind and went to sleep. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.... however stupid. It's not my job nor do I have it in my power to make her do anything. I love her. I told her to text or call if she needed me... and that was it.

I think as time goes on things will get worse. I have been working to get financially independent. If things get worse, I will have to create new boundaries. I got up the gutts the other day to actually say something to her about the drinking. I told her that I had to say it... just once... that I was worried for her and that it affects her mood and memory and that that affects me and my girls and it is not okay... but that I realize there is nothing I can do and that I understand her pain and that I love her. She resolved to "cut back" and only drink on her days off...
Three weeks later and that hasn't happened. And I have no expectations for when or if it will (though I'm pretty sure she won't be able to regulate it; she hasn't yet.)

Put the space to protect yourself. It is okay to love the alcoholics in our lives. Love at the distance you need to keep your peace and change it when you need to. At times, loving someone does mean letting them go, and you are the only one who can decide when that might occur...
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Old 07-21-2015, 12:44 PM
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I love the idea of a boundary of not letting my mom upset me and I have realized that I need to either lower my expectations or have no expectations at all when I see my mom.

It is really nice to see that your stories, while they are different, are very similar to mine. We are definitely not alone in this.

The boundary I make is for me and to protect myself from the enabling and other family dysfunction. I need to realize that everyone will deal with the situation how they see fit. It is hard not to try to make people see it your way and that is something that I need to personally work on. I guess I need a boundary to protect myself from my siblings as well because of their unconscious enabling of my mother. I need to not have any expectations with them and what they decide to do.

This is definitely the hardest thing in my life after getting sober. I feel that quitting the drink and dealing with the physical ramifications is almost easier then dealing with all the emotions that come with an alcoholic in your life.

You guys are fantastic! Thank you!!
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