LemonGirl

From 'Codependent No More':
"Much of the defensiveness I've seen in codependents comes not because we think we're above criticism, but because we have so little self-worth that any perceived attack threatens to ANNIHILATE us."

Finishing up Chapter 11 in this book and this particular sentence jumped out at me! I was just telling myself something similar the other day... something like, "no matter what anyone else says or does "to" me, I am still a whole person that has the right to be."

I finally figured out why I hate conflict so much. I literally feel like the other person is attacking my soul... that somehow I lose a piece of myself and they affect my inner core... My inner peace. I allow them to get to me that deep because I do not think I am a whole person just the way I am.

I had to lose weight. I had to have a great job. I had to have a good relationship with a man. I had to be able to read music to be a "real" musician. I had to have a degree to be worth anything in the job market.
Such awful self-talk that goes on right under our noses sometimes, ya know?...

And the thing is... I don't really have low self-esteem. I actually like myself and enjoy my own company. And there are so many attributes about myself that I KNOW are fantastic! BUT....
Even with all that is "good", I guess I let all the things that I perceive as "bad" tip the balance to where I get stuck making yet another bad choice in a partner, which only helps to solidify the "bad" things and adds even more to it.

Boy, figuring out yourself is such fun, eh?! hahaha...

I may have high self esteem, but I still did not value my own worth. I was somehow invalid... I allowed all those horrible opinions others had of me to define me. I once heard that "you have to believe in yourself more than your biggest supporter." Call me crazy, but from now on, I am going to be a player in this thing called life and know that I have as much right to be here as anyone else, even if I don't know what the heck I am doing... does anyone really know? lol... ...that has to do with faith, right?

On a side note, my youngest daughter's dad (not the same as my xabf) had yet another fit with me over some minor issue that HE caused. In so many words, he was going to force me to have to call the police just so I could pick up my kids from his place. I realized that he has the same insecurities as I do... or did... He perceives every motion or opinion of another person as some sort of personal attack, and then he busies himself with trying to control everyone around him and gets angry when he can't... never once turning the mirror inward. Not that I can change him, but good to be able to see that truth nonetheless....

On another side note... lol... My xabf is coming home by the end of August. He has been deployed (military) since April/May...? And anyway, he is 60 days sober today and if he continues he will be over 90 days sober when he gets home. So proud of him! And I can hear the difference. I told him I would give him all the space he needs while he gets adjusted to being sober at home. He could very well fail. The time and space allows he and I both to continue to focus on our own recoveries and get a handle on our new tools... not to mention having to relearn so much about each other. I am rooting for him, however! I am nervous too... Nervous about being authentic and knowing that his addiction is no longer there to cover the real me or the real him. Real intimacy.... Scary thing for a codependent! Especially one who thinks of themselves as so defective, that the real person is unlovable...

Hogwash! I am lovable! (and so are you, whoever you are reading this!)

Hope all is well everyone. =)

Stung

I was recently reading about this same self talk, but it was about acceptance not necessarily about self esteem. For me, it falls under perfectionism (which is really about having such fear of being judged and criticized that you do your damnedest to appear perfect to avoid judgement and critiques) but what I really craved was acceptance.

I have many achievements, I can see much of my life and achievements on paper and know logically that I have accomplished a lot but that doesn't give me an emotional feeling of belonging or of being worthy of being loved. What I really crave is to be accepted by others. The kicker is that you cannot be accepted by others until you are ready to accept yourself. I personally feel like that concept encompasses the vast majority of the 12 step processes too. If you can accept the concept that a loving God or higher power loves and accepts you exactly as you are, and if you can accept your past and if you can accept that you have very limited control over your future then you can start to accept yourself and others exactly as they are. And when you're ready to start living in the world without trying to change everything and and everyone in it, then you can live a much happier and serene life.

LemonGirl

Yes... I would agree with you that it is self acceptance. That makes so much more sense to me than 'self-esteem'. And it does work the way you said: self acceptance leads to others acceptance of me.

I suppose if I feel lovable, I will be lovable. ;-)