Timetoheal12

Hi all. I don't have a proper Internet connection right now, as A father hasn't paid the bills.
I've been reading the site from my cell phone. I received a PM and haven't been able to respond... But, as soon as I get the wifi back, I'll do it.

A father is weirder than ever. Should I say to him how I really feel about him? How he has abused us and how he is emotionally unavailable and immature?
My mom thinks it would be helpful if I tell him how I feel,but I'm not sure. I'm just tired and angry. But he is sick, and since he does have cirrhosis, all types of questions are inside my head.


Also, I saw exabf again with his new found love at the market yesterday. He looks happy, it kinda made me feel like I lost something good. Or at least that is what I felt for a second.... Feelings aren't facts, are they? ... well, in this case, I'm not sure.


Thanks for everything so far.
I've been trying hard to reconstruct myself, and it will be a hard task, but I think it has to be worth it...

ladyscribbler

I think it's good to vent in a safe place. Based on your posts, I don't know how much it would help you to tell your dad this stuff. He is unlikely to respond in a satisfactory way or to even understand why you're angry and disappointed.
Your mom probably has a lot of pent up emotions toward your dad as well, and telling you to express yourself to your dad might be her way of trying to get him to listen to the things that she's been bottling up and is afraid to say herself.
I'd say Alanon meetings and therapy are your best bet for healing. It might be helpful to write a letter to your father, but not give it to him.
Expressing yourself isn't a bad thing, but it is important to manage your expectations. If you just want to get it out and don't have any expectation of him understanding or caring how you feel, then okay. But in my experience conversations like that just make the alcoholic defensive, which can provoke an attack on the person who dares to be honest with them.

maia1234

I agree with Ladyscribbler, It never did me any good to lay into AXH. It never made a difference. But I do feel better, when I calm down that I didn't lay into him. I think he expects me to and I don't, its like I don't care. YEA!!

Next time you see xabf at the store. Go up and say hi, walk with confidence and act like your life is SOOOOOO much better without him. It will make him wonder what you are up to, because his life drinking is really not that hot!!

Hugs my friend, keep getting healthier!!

Timetoheal12

Ladyscribbler, that is exactly what I think. I don't feel like saying it will actually change a thing. Our relationship has been exactly the same during the whole 21 years of my existence: he is the one expecting to be the center of attention, the younger person in the family, etc. He has abused us. I don't think it will help at all. It would take a lot of effort to repair the damage, and as far as I'm concerned, "effort " and "active alcoholism" are polar opposites.

So... No. I told her I won't do it. She still thinks he has to change.
It annoys me... It's like I'm angry that she married my dad, but, well... if it weren't because of that I wouldn't even exist, so it's just weird and makes me feel bad about myself for not quite valuing my life as I used to.

Timetoheal12

I don't think I will ever speak to exabf ever again, maia. But you're right in that he should see how happy I am (or will be...). Thanks: -)

FireSprite

Hey Time, hope you are doing well!

I may not have followed all of your threads very closely, so I can't remember if you've shared much about your relationship with your mom. It sounds like she's just as lost in all of this, believing that either of you can force change in your AF.

In my life, my sober mother was just as skilled with manipulation & dysfunction as my AF, it just presented differently. And truthfully, at 4 years into recovery, I'm just starting to feel like I'm dealing with my "Codie Damage".

Be careful of traps like this - it's easy to feel pressure from mom to help dad & she's exerting that pressure thinking that she's doing good. You end up feeling like you either let down the "good" parent (mom) or you insert yourself into a no-win situation with AF that you have no interest in. If this were driven by a specific incident or if you've personally felt it was needed for your healing benefit, it would be different.

I don't how to word it with the right respect, but it might be worth verbalizing some boundaries with mom about this stuff. "Mom, I know you think you're trying to help but everything I've been reading about addiction tells me that we can't force AF to make a single change. We can take the focus off of him & try to get healthy ourselves & that's what I'm trying to do. Please don't ask me to run interference like this with dad, it makes me uncomfortable & feels like backward movement in my healing." or something?

LexieCat

I like FireSprites suggestion VERY much.