A tale of one city
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A tale of one city
Ok so, the weekend is here and as some of you may know I am staying only half welcome in someone else's house under their prison type rules only with less freedom and privacy tbh. So instead of grumbling about that as I often do I decided to hop on a train and see the city for the day. OMFG, what is all that about! An assault on the senses, but that's only part of it. I learned a few things about myself. The first one, and most glaringly obvious as I have known this for a very long time now only that it hit home: I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO! Obviously.That was obvious, I was just walking about in circles pretty much. I wouldn't say I was in a panic but, I spent the first couple of hours looking for wifi to see what time the train went back. I know, poor planning that part.
Then after that it was just drifting around aimlessly. Don't get me wrong, I was not in poor form but it got me thinking- As abnormal as the situation I'm living in is (it's pure weird), if I didn't have here to come back to I would be sleeping rough up there tonight. I tried to figure out what my options were at first, with a view to maybe staying the night: a hotel? Half my weeks income gone in a night, with the same problem the next night. Hostels are only moderately cheaper. How do people live? There was a lot of people floating about up there- they are all either incredibly wealthy, all homeless, half and half and or there is some other factor that I know little about (cost of living is extremely high up there, I lived there for a few months in my teens rent free and it was grim)
There was a lot of pubs and some people drinking on the street. I didn't go into any pubs, and that was something else I realised- that's a first. And actually, here is the realisation part- that is exactly how I started going in to pubs on my own. I would get stranded in a strange town on occasion and would be in a panic, I'd go into a pub and start drinking with the hope of working it out (or like, caring a lot less about the consequences, yano). The irony is you meet people that way who might invite you to a party or back to their's and whatnot. Hopefully, that's what I always found.
So yeah. I'm as lost as I ever was pretty much. Thought some more about it of course in my observances and the fact of the matter is- I never learned any of these skills when I was young. I never went to college, and that is how most people learn those skills i.e. my peers. An endeavor which is funded in part by their parents and also by the govt. Usually the parents pay the rent (crazy money). Don't get me wrong, I have lived away from it but have been suffering from PTSD from the minute I left 'home' if not before. The only skill I've learned since then is scraping by pretty much.
Anyway that was my day. The most exciting one I have had in a very long time, sober or not. It was a bit crap to be honest. I didn't get myself in much of a panic, I wasn't long up there until I decided I would be definitely coming back tonight. But if I was still up there right now I would be in a panic for sure. And drunk, I'd imagine. I was just walking around lost all day, both figuratively and metaphorically. Nice weather though, and everyone else is doing fine. Here's a tune I thought of, just like the rest of it the dj in me never sleeps either (https://youtu.be/sY_hkrQNAQo)
Then after that it was just drifting around aimlessly. Don't get me wrong, I was not in poor form but it got me thinking- As abnormal as the situation I'm living in is (it's pure weird), if I didn't have here to come back to I would be sleeping rough up there tonight. I tried to figure out what my options were at first, with a view to maybe staying the night: a hotel? Half my weeks income gone in a night, with the same problem the next night. Hostels are only moderately cheaper. How do people live? There was a lot of people floating about up there- they are all either incredibly wealthy, all homeless, half and half and or there is some other factor that I know little about (cost of living is extremely high up there, I lived there for a few months in my teens rent free and it was grim)
There was a lot of pubs and some people drinking on the street. I didn't go into any pubs, and that was something else I realised- that's a first. And actually, here is the realisation part- that is exactly how I started going in to pubs on my own. I would get stranded in a strange town on occasion and would be in a panic, I'd go into a pub and start drinking with the hope of working it out (or like, caring a lot less about the consequences, yano). The irony is you meet people that way who might invite you to a party or back to their's and whatnot. Hopefully, that's what I always found.
So yeah. I'm as lost as I ever was pretty much. Thought some more about it of course in my observances and the fact of the matter is- I never learned any of these skills when I was young. I never went to college, and that is how most people learn those skills i.e. my peers. An endeavor which is funded in part by their parents and also by the govt. Usually the parents pay the rent (crazy money). Don't get me wrong, I have lived away from it but have been suffering from PTSD from the minute I left 'home' if not before. The only skill I've learned since then is scraping by pretty much.
Anyway that was my day. The most exciting one I have had in a very long time, sober or not. It was a bit crap to be honest. I didn't get myself in much of a panic, I wasn't long up there until I decided I would be definitely coming back tonight. But if I was still up there right now I would be in a panic for sure. And drunk, I'd imagine. I was just walking around lost all day, both figuratively and metaphorically. Nice weather though, and everyone else is doing fine. Here's a tune I thought of, just like the rest of it the dj in me never sleeps either (https://youtu.be/sY_hkrQNAQo)
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I meant to edit out that second 'embarrassed' face as it's a bit, defeatist shall we say. But the fact of the matter is, I am rather embarrassed at my lack of survival skills at this point. From top of the class to bottom of the pile it looks like. And I was the very first one out of us who tried to settle down! Pfffffffffffft. Survival, that's the name of the game ain't it? Bear Grylls eat your arse out.
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The important thing is your not drinking over things Strat, I think I really started living compared to mere surviving when I parted ways with alcohol.
Sobriety taught me that I was only coasting through life on auto pilot, but now we all have a chance to go beyond that!!
Hang in there!!
Sobriety taught me that I was only coasting through life on auto pilot, but now we all have a chance to go beyond that!!
Hang in there!!
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That's the thing, if I was still stranded up there tonight would I have had any real choice left? Sleeping rough is a traumatic experience in of itself, for me at least and I do know this already. Drinking, that was always the last solution to that forthcoming problem for me, i.e just trying not to give a damn. There aren't too many sober rough sleeper's about I imagine.
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Originally Posted by Sadie1 
Is sleeping rough like camping out?
Originally Posted by Stratman1
In California? probably.
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Originally Posted by Marcher13
Strat I believe the state of California has about 20% of the homeless population of the US. I don't imagine that any of them regard sleeping rough as camping.
Strat - there's a gratitude for you. You have a roof over your head. I hope today will be a better day
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Hi Strat
If you mean Government or social housing I suspect it's much the same as here if not worse - I was on a waiting list for over ten years.
You may remember I was very nearly homeless this time last year which helped hurry things along.
Homelessness in the tropics is no Robinson Crusoe fantasy here either, man.
If you mean renting or owning your own home...I think it's back to the job discussion we've had before....
I don't think it's true that your only option is where you are...or sleeping rough.
I'd imagine there are homeless shelters in Ireland - but to be honest Strat you have a lot more options than that.
Every day there must be people looking for a room mate, or with rooms to rent.
If where you are is truly intolerable - you have options.
ETA: I did see your other thread, belatedly.
I'm not going to change what I wrote. I'm sorry for all that's happened to you but I still believe you still have more options than staying where you are, or sleeping rough.
Best wishes
D
If you mean Government or social housing I suspect it's much the same as here if not worse - I was on a waiting list for over ten years.
You may remember I was very nearly homeless this time last year which helped hurry things along.
Homelessness in the tropics is no Robinson Crusoe fantasy here either, man.
If you mean renting or owning your own home...I think it's back to the job discussion we've had before....
I don't think it's true that your only option is where you are...or sleeping rough.
I'd imagine there are homeless shelters in Ireland - but to be honest Strat you have a lot more options than that.
Every day there must be people looking for a room mate, or with rooms to rent.
If where you are is truly intolerable - you have options.
ETA: I did see your other thread, belatedly.
I'm not going to change what I wrote. I'm sorry for all that's happened to you but I still believe you still have more options than staying where you are, or sleeping rough.
Best wishes
D
Last edited by Dee74; 07-19-2015 at 04:06 AM.
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Guy's sleeping rough is no laughing matter- get onto Sadie about that.
Because I have stated already I know this, I did it plenty when I was younger (I had a lot more resilience then)
Beccybean I have a tenuous roof over my head. I was locked out last night because I dared to go away for the day (I got back in ).
It's under the rule of my dyfunctional family, I can't bring my kids here (I can actually if I wanted to and was irresponsible) as the court understands, and I am slowly but surely going insane. Do you guys think this is funny? Because I don't.
No offence to you Myth, and also Purpleknight but it's not better sober, it's really not. The important thing is not that I'm not drinking, it's nothing to do with it nearly.
I haven't drank in 2 years, less than a handful of times and things are surprise suprise exactly as they were. Except, worse, much worse. I wasn't drinking before I became clinically depressed and got PTSD. I was working in a bank ffs, I didn't miss a day for years. I didn't love that work or anything, I was trying to build my future then after a lifetime of abuse which I hadn't even come to terms with yet obviously.
There is a very specific reason why I took to drinking during clinical depression and PTSD, it was to deal with stress and quite likely I was trying to drink myself into the grave. I've been meaning to say it in a few of these threads now that relate to my life- Drinking every day was a breeze for me. I hated it, I hated that I had to do it, but it made life much easier for me. I have tried everything to build a life for myself, I have always tried to do the right things. I've never cheated anyone, I've tried to keep everyone afloat. Man alcholism- it was much better than this- thats why I took to it guys. Please understand this.
Because I have stated already I know this, I did it plenty when I was younger (I had a lot more resilience then)
Beccybean I have a tenuous roof over my head. I was locked out last night because I dared to go away for the day (I got back in ).
It's under the rule of my dyfunctional family, I can't bring my kids here (I can actually if I wanted to and was irresponsible) as the court understands, and I am slowly but surely going insane. Do you guys think this is funny? Because I don't.
No offence to you Myth, and also Purpleknight but it's not better sober, it's really not. The important thing is not that I'm not drinking, it's nothing to do with it nearly.
I haven't drank in 2 years, less than a handful of times and things are surprise suprise exactly as they were. Except, worse, much worse. I wasn't drinking before I became clinically depressed and got PTSD. I was working in a bank ffs, I didn't miss a day for years. I didn't love that work or anything, I was trying to build my future then after a lifetime of abuse which I hadn't even come to terms with yet obviously.
There is a very specific reason why I took to drinking during clinical depression and PTSD, it was to deal with stress and quite likely I was trying to drink myself into the grave. I've been meaning to say it in a few of these threads now that relate to my life- Drinking every day was a breeze for me. I hated it, I hated that I had to do it, but it made life much easier for me. I have tried everything to build a life for myself, I have always tried to do the right things. I've never cheated anyone, I've tried to keep everyone afloat. Man alcholism- it was much better than this- thats why I took to it guys. Please understand this.
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Originally Posted by Stratman1
... Do you guys think this is funny? Because I don't...
If anything I said has offended you, please accept my apologies. It certainly wasn't meant to.
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That wasn't aimed at you Beccy or anyone else, it was just a question. There is no backlash I'm trying to express myself only. I'm under pressure obviously.
Drinking keeps coming up but the only difference in me now and when I was drinking year's ago is that I am able to express myself properly and identify my problems a lot more clearly. I really wasn't then, my life was in complete and utter turmoil. And it was never great. Minus the drink- I'm in dire straights here guys and have been for about a decade, I don't know what more to say other than that because that is all I know.
Drinking keeps coming up but the only difference in me now and when I was drinking year's ago is that I am able to express myself properly and identify my problems a lot more clearly. I really wasn't then, my life was in complete and utter turmoil. And it was never great. Minus the drink- I'm in dire straights here guys and have been for about a decade, I don't know what more to say other than that because that is all I know.
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Originally Posted by Stratman1
No offence to you Myth, and also Purpleknight but it's not better sober, it's really not. The important thing is not that I'm not drinking, it's nothing to do with it nearly.
Sure there were times when I escaped and made it through things as a result of alcohol Strat, but that was only making it through, a short term fix, but alcohol is not a long term solution for anything, it starts to create a spiral into something much worse.
The other side of the coin is Sobriety doesn't fix or create happiness either on it's own, when I got Sober my life became a whole lot of time in the here and now, and all the problems I had the day before that I was trying to escape from with alcohol were there to greet me the next day and the next, but what Sobriety does do is create a foundation to build something upon, something I couldn't do with a hangover or worrying about where my next drink was.
We're here for you Strat!!
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Strat, I NEVER said it was a laughing matter, it is not. There is no equivalent to "sleeping rough" as a term in the States, so wasn't exactly sure what you meant as I had previously read you had a place to stay and didn't read you had been kicked out or anything. it's hard to read tone in email I am aware.
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Thanks lads, I agree fully. I don't have the energy to respond to every point and I'm certainly not in the habit of refuting idea's that aren't of a personal slant. But I run through this maze nearly every hour of every day for years and now decades, I have experience in the relevant professions and a lot of life experience too on the negative side. I cannot find a feasible solution and have lost most of my tools along the way. It's the very thing that is driving me crazy this. Imma lie down for a bit.
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No problem, Stratman1. I don't mean to sound Pollyannaish, either- it sucks, and I know it sucks. There were days before I quit that I honestly didn't give a rat's ass if I lived or died. It sucked a long time before it got better and when it did there better there were still crappy days. That's life.
But you are right, the important thing is that you don't drink. No one can promise that each day will be better than the last but booze doesn't help anything, and the more space you put between you and it the better your odds of healing.
Sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way, just wanted to let you know we're in your corner. If that helps.
But you are right, the important thing is that you don't drink. No one can promise that each day will be better than the last but booze doesn't help anything, and the more space you put between you and it the better your odds of healing.
Sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way, just wanted to let you know we're in your corner. If that helps.
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Been trying to have a little bit of 'fun' here this morning before approaching my threads. I've been reading the forum and sending some messages. No, you didn't rub me up the wrong way Myth or anyone else. I do know this now about alcohol, it's not a solution for anything and I'm about as sober as I am gonna be (quite stressed lately though)
Just to say as per the thread and my little experiment at the weekend, it is very scary with night setting in and no place to go. With your mind racing a thousand thought's about what your options are when in reality there are none. I do remember this from my youth, and probably I had been beaten up and verbally abused on those days too so I can fully understand why a person would drink to escape the reality. I try to avoid all that I mentioned, I have done for a long time. I've been trying to avoid alcohol for several years too since my OD. But I went on a year long binge after I broke up with my mother and girlfriend (both effectively robbed and gaslighted me leaving me in the gutter) and I didn't want to come around to that reality at all.
I read the thread again, same here Dee I have been on a waiting list ten years also. I think it was a welfare officer who coaxed me into applying when I was clinically depressed, obviously not the bad one who harassed me for 3 years and wouldn't allow me to live in peace. I'm definitely at risk, I've been on the homeless register a few years too actually.
Just to say as per the thread and my little experiment at the weekend, it is very scary with night setting in and no place to go. With your mind racing a thousand thought's about what your options are when in reality there are none. I do remember this from my youth, and probably I had been beaten up and verbally abused on those days too so I can fully understand why a person would drink to escape the reality. I try to avoid all that I mentioned, I have done for a long time. I've been trying to avoid alcohol for several years too since my OD. But I went on a year long binge after I broke up with my mother and girlfriend (both effectively robbed and gaslighted me leaving me in the gutter) and I didn't want to come around to that reality at all.
I read the thread again, same here Dee I have been on a waiting list ten years also. I think it was a welfare officer who coaxed me into applying when I was clinically depressed, obviously not the bad one who harassed me for 3 years and wouldn't allow me to live in peace. I'm definitely at risk, I've been on the homeless register a few years too actually.
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