New here... Need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 11
New here... Need some help
Hi all,
I am a newbie here and looking for some tips/support. My husband is an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. It comes and goes in waves... Last summer was the worst with him drinking/taking pills until he would just pass out. I was so scared he would die in his sleep as his brother recently did from the same thing.
We have a daughter who is 11. I worry about what she sees and what she thinks of it all. I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to discuss things with her that she is too young to have to know and worry about.
I know that I am no longer my husbands first love. His pills and liquor are. I don't know what's worse- him completely ignoring me as he stumbles around the garage in a haze, or when he irrationally starts yelling at me out of nowhere as if we are in the middle of a fight when we weren't fighting at all. Last summer he was always screaming at me that I was a bitch and a **** and that I was going to "find myself alone." Alone never sounded so good.
He isn't quite that bad now. But he is sneaky and lies. I caught him trying to hide a text he was sending so I looked through his phone and found nothing but him texting people about who has pills, when they will be in, etc... I have never looked through his phone before, because I don't want to have to do that. But I knew if I asked him he would just lie. When I told him what I found he changed his passcode on his phone so I can't get in.
Today I found his stash of pills hidden in the garage. He caught me and I tried to keep them from him but he wrenched them out of my hands.
I told him I think we want different things. I grew up in a home filled with addiction and domestic violence and it's not the life I want to live. He has never hurt me physically but I am unhappy with him always being under the influence of something. He is embarrassing to be with around my friends. We are not connected anymore. And some nights are bad when he starts yelling at me. Sometimes he will yell for an hour. If I try to leave he will block me. It causes such a scene, and I don't want my daughter exposed so I usually don't try to leave, I just be quiet and wait for him to stop yelling. The next day he has no recollection of it and if I tell him he will apologize and beg for forgiveness and tell me how much he loves me and how he "didn't mean it."
So I guess my question is- how do I stop letting HIS actions influence my mood? I spend so much energy on worrying he will die or wondering what he is up to, and feeling upset when he yells at me. Sometimes I get so depressed and it triggers my own past issues such as anorexia, over exercising and self-hatred. Sometimes I just want to get drunk and high too so I won't care. But that's not who I want to be. How do I let him do his thing without it affecting me?
I am a newbie here and looking for some tips/support. My husband is an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. It comes and goes in waves... Last summer was the worst with him drinking/taking pills until he would just pass out. I was so scared he would die in his sleep as his brother recently did from the same thing.
We have a daughter who is 11. I worry about what she sees and what she thinks of it all. I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to discuss things with her that she is too young to have to know and worry about.
I know that I am no longer my husbands first love. His pills and liquor are. I don't know what's worse- him completely ignoring me as he stumbles around the garage in a haze, or when he irrationally starts yelling at me out of nowhere as if we are in the middle of a fight when we weren't fighting at all. Last summer he was always screaming at me that I was a bitch and a **** and that I was going to "find myself alone." Alone never sounded so good.
He isn't quite that bad now. But he is sneaky and lies. I caught him trying to hide a text he was sending so I looked through his phone and found nothing but him texting people about who has pills, when they will be in, etc... I have never looked through his phone before, because I don't want to have to do that. But I knew if I asked him he would just lie. When I told him what I found he changed his passcode on his phone so I can't get in.
Today I found his stash of pills hidden in the garage. He caught me and I tried to keep them from him but he wrenched them out of my hands.
I told him I think we want different things. I grew up in a home filled with addiction and domestic violence and it's not the life I want to live. He has never hurt me physically but I am unhappy with him always being under the influence of something. He is embarrassing to be with around my friends. We are not connected anymore. And some nights are bad when he starts yelling at me. Sometimes he will yell for an hour. If I try to leave he will block me. It causes such a scene, and I don't want my daughter exposed so I usually don't try to leave, I just be quiet and wait for him to stop yelling. The next day he has no recollection of it and if I tell him he will apologize and beg for forgiveness and tell me how much he loves me and how he "didn't mean it."
So I guess my question is- how do I stop letting HIS actions influence my mood? I spend so much energy on worrying he will die or wondering what he is up to, and feeling upset when he yells at me. Sometimes I get so depressed and it triggers my own past issues such as anorexia, over exercising and self-hatred. Sometimes I just want to get drunk and high too so I won't care. But that's not who I want to be. How do I let him do his thing without it affecting me?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi Coles - welcome to SR.
I think domestic violence can be a lot more than simple physical - if you're being shouted at or your exit is being deliberately blocked, thats clearly not a good environment for you or your daughter.
I hope you'll stick around here and gain from the wisdom of people who've been there.
Do read the 'sticky posts ' that are permanently at the top of the various Family and Friends forums too, like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
I think domestic violence can be a lot more than simple physical - if you're being shouted at or your exit is being deliberately blocked, thats clearly not a good environment for you or your daughter.
I hope you'll stick around here and gain from the wisdom of people who've been there.
Do read the 'sticky posts ' that are permanently at the top of the various Family and Friends forums too, like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome! Dee's post above sums it up. This is a safe and sound site. 
My relationship with my son brought me here five years ago. I have learned, shared, and am very thankful.
Our relationships with addicts differ (yours is your spouse, mine is my child) but I would like to share that with support of others and over time, I was able to move into a more healthy and safer "place" and get away from feeling as a prisoner in my home. My adult son was asked to move out of our home a year ago and now is dealing with his choices and responsibilities on his own. Of course, it has not been easy but it is better now.
My relationship with my son brought me here five years ago. I have learned, shared, and am very thankful.
Our relationships with addicts differ (yours is your spouse, mine is my child) but I would like to share that with support of others and over time, I was able to move into a more healthy and safer "place" and get away from feeling as a prisoner in my home. My adult son was asked to move out of our home a year ago and now is dealing with his choices and responsibilities on his own. Of course, it has not been easy but it is better now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My first reaction to your post is- if your house was on fire would you be thinking how are you going to shield your child from it or let me ask for some tips on what to do and how to deal with it...............but getting out and away from the fire isn't a thought.
My second reaction is, it's very difficult to detach from the active addict. Lots of devotion to your own recovery with the help of a support group, counselor will help you eventually find ways of learning to detach. It doesn't come easy and it doesn't work for everyone.
None of us want to repeat what we grew up with YET we do, we do what is familiar to us without even thinking we are. Your daughter is now growing up with addiction and no matter how much you think you are shielding her from it your not.
Maybe try and find an al-non group near you and give it a try.
My second reaction is, it's very difficult to detach from the active addict. Lots of devotion to your own recovery with the help of a support group, counselor will help you eventually find ways of learning to detach. It doesn't come easy and it doesn't work for everyone.
None of us want to repeat what we grew up with YET we do, we do what is familiar to us without even thinking we are. Your daughter is now growing up with addiction and no matter how much you think you are shielding her from it your not.
Maybe try and find an al-non group near you and give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi Coles... I think you are making light of your situation. The way he treats you IS ABUSE, plain and simple. If you grew up around abuse and addiction (abuse can be physical and it can be verbal and it can be emotional... It's ALL abuse) why would you think it's ok for your daughter to? If you choose to stay, I think you should discover the reasons within yourself as to why. (Lack of self love, low self esteem, etc) And work on yourself, detach from his madness, and let him go on his little merry addict way. Do you have a "safe place" you and your daughter can go to when his abuse ramps up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 11
Easy to say
I think it easy to say to just leave but the reality of that is different. We live in a home with our dogs and cats in the neighborhood my daughter has friends in and her school one block over. Leaving means only my income, which means a trashy apartment in the **** part of town and leaving behind our pets and my daughters friends and school. I work with homeless women and children, I know the realities of what happens when women leave. Which hell is worse than the other? It's hard to say.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
I managed to leave. I had a half refurbished house, an animal rescue, 8 kids and many pets of our own but within 6 months of deciding to go I went. My older kids moved out and only 2 stayed with him. Those two are coming to live with me next week. It can be done. You just need a plan of how. It not hard to say. The hell you are living is far worse. What your daughter is seeing is setting up the next generation to think how you live is normal. It's not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Leaving is hard, emotionally, financially and logistically, especially with children involved. I think it is a good idea to have a temporary safe place for you and your daughter in case your husband's abusive behavior recurs. My experience is that kind of stuff always escalates, even if there have been periods of relative peace. I say relative, because living in a situation like that in the long term can really skew our ideas about what is "normal" and tolerable behavior.
At 11 your daughter is old enough for an Alateen meeting. It's important for her to have support. I wish I had something like that when I was growing up in a alcoholic home.
My mom did leave, but it didn't solve all our problems. My brother and I still had visitation with our alcoholic dad. Mom never dealt with the issues that led her to choose an alcoholic relationship in the first place, and I grew up with a lot of baggage that I am just now working through in Alanon meetings and individual therapy.
Adult children of alcoholics have our own set of issues. I know that I gravitated toward unhealthy relationships for years, but really had no idea why until recently. The link below is for some of the stickies in the ACoA forum. This is what your daughter is growing up with, and kids (especially kids growing up in situations like yours) see and understand way more than we think.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-us-acoa.html
This link is kind of a checklist of ACoA traits and behaviors. Even at 11 your daughter might already be exhibiting some of these. Lots of times children in alcoholic homes (especially oldest/only daughters) will be super responsible "good kids" who seem not to have any issues or be negatively affected. I was one of those.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
At 11 your daughter is old enough for an Alateen meeting. It's important for her to have support. I wish I had something like that when I was growing up in a alcoholic home.
My mom did leave, but it didn't solve all our problems. My brother and I still had visitation with our alcoholic dad. Mom never dealt with the issues that led her to choose an alcoholic relationship in the first place, and I grew up with a lot of baggage that I am just now working through in Alanon meetings and individual therapy.
Adult children of alcoholics have our own set of issues. I know that I gravitated toward unhealthy relationships for years, but really had no idea why until recently. The link below is for some of the stickies in the ACoA forum. This is what your daughter is growing up with, and kids (especially kids growing up in situations like yours) see and understand way more than we think.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-us-acoa.html
This link is kind of a checklist of ACoA traits and behaviors. Even at 11 your daughter might already be exhibiting some of these. Lots of times children in alcoholic homes (especially oldest/only daughters) will be super responsible "good kids" who seem not to have any issues or be negatively affected. I was one of those.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Why would it only be your income? Assuming you mean your husband works wouldn't he pay child support?
Gotta be honest - detaching from this particular situation seems rather difficult as your husband is so confrontational. Couple of things you can do is simply not to engage with him AT ALL. Its hard to do initially, but becomes easier. Next is to leave him to his own devices, forget about searching his phone or looking for his pill stash. That causes conflict, and you don't need proof of what he is doing you already know what he is doing.
Detaching would also mean you have to get yourself to a place where you aren't babysitting him making sure he hasn't killed himself. I am sure that sounds harsh, but he is making choices and so are you that aren't healthy. You cannot stop his usage.
Now in regards to leaving - that is your choice. Many stay for the same reasons you have listed. I do understand the thought process, and I have much empathy to those jailed by the crimes of the addict. However, I hope you will broaden your mind to the fact that your child is exposed to this man, his behavior, and his interactions with you. That would make her an ACOA. I recommend doing some reading on the ACOA section of this forum to get a very eye opening reality check about what happens when children are raised in homes of addiction. Its not pretty and it lasts a lifetime. No matter what you do to protect her from it you cannot and she is more likely to be an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic or addict than someone who is not. You are an ACOA as well, maybe think about how your child hood has affected your own choices.
Glad you are here. My other suggestion would be to start going to Al Anon and also to read the book Co-Dependent No More.
Gotta be honest - detaching from this particular situation seems rather difficult as your husband is so confrontational. Couple of things you can do is simply not to engage with him AT ALL. Its hard to do initially, but becomes easier. Next is to leave him to his own devices, forget about searching his phone or looking for his pill stash. That causes conflict, and you don't need proof of what he is doing you already know what he is doing.
Detaching would also mean you have to get yourself to a place where you aren't babysitting him making sure he hasn't killed himself. I am sure that sounds harsh, but he is making choices and so are you that aren't healthy. You cannot stop his usage.
Now in regards to leaving - that is your choice. Many stay for the same reasons you have listed. I do understand the thought process, and I have much empathy to those jailed by the crimes of the addict. However, I hope you will broaden your mind to the fact that your child is exposed to this man, his behavior, and his interactions with you. That would make her an ACOA. I recommend doing some reading on the ACOA section of this forum to get a very eye opening reality check about what happens when children are raised in homes of addiction. Its not pretty and it lasts a lifetime. No matter what you do to protect her from it you cannot and she is more likely to be an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic or addict than someone who is not. You are an ACOA as well, maybe think about how your child hood has affected your own choices.
Glad you are here. My other suggestion would be to start going to Al Anon and also to read the book Co-Dependent No More.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I Coles.....I am curious....how many dogs and cats do you h ave? are they big? small?
Straight Up----I have a lot of respect for those who refuse to abandon their animals. Good for you. there are ways of figuring it out....perhaps we can put our heads together and think out of the box......
I know many of the DV shelters can help with the animals......
I am just saying to do a little figuring out ahead of time how y ou are going to cope with the various challenges......
Do you know where to look for various resources of help.....housing, food, transportation, legal assistance, etc........?
dandylion
Straight Up----I have a lot of respect for those who refuse to abandon their animals. Good for you. there are ways of figuring it out....perhaps we can put our heads together and think out of the box......
I know many of the DV shelters can help with the animals......
I am just saying to do a little figuring out ahead of time how y ou are going to cope with the various challenges......
Do you know where to look for various resources of help.....housing, food, transportation, legal assistance, etc........?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
"We have a daughter who is 11. I worry about what she sees and what she thinks of it all. I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to discuss things with her that she is too young to have to know and worry about."
I just wanted to share with you about this.
I was raised in a home where my father was alcoholic and abusive in very unknown ways by most.
Your 11 year old daughter isn't blind. She knows that something is wrong and may know a whole lot more than you think. When I was in this position it is true that I was "to young to have to know and worry about it", but the elephant in the living room was there, whether it was discussed or not.
What I learned was to not talk about it and to deny it and to let any issues go unaddressed.
The issues I have today with my mom are about how we didn't talk about and we didn't deal with it.
My mother could have salvage her relationship with me if she had been willing to be honest about what was going on and actually make changes (not only to our family situation, but to her own issues).
At age 11 I knew there was something horribly wrong in our home, at age 11 my son knew something was horribly wrong with me.
25 years later... we have worked through a lot of that, but I wish that at age 11 My mother and I, my son and I, had really been open to talk about what was really going on instead of feeling that it wasn't appropriate to discuss.
I don't want to sound critical in any way (hug) I'm just saying that this is how it worked out for me.
I hope you can have a honest discussion without malice with your child. I hope you seek help as needed to deal with the aftermath.
Best wishes (hug)
I just wanted to share with you about this.
I was raised in a home where my father was alcoholic and abusive in very unknown ways by most.
Your 11 year old daughter isn't blind. She knows that something is wrong and may know a whole lot more than you think. When I was in this position it is true that I was "to young to have to know and worry about it", but the elephant in the living room was there, whether it was discussed or not.
What I learned was to not talk about it and to deny it and to let any issues go unaddressed.
The issues I have today with my mom are about how we didn't talk about and we didn't deal with it.
My mother could have salvage her relationship with me if she had been willing to be honest about what was going on and actually make changes (not only to our family situation, but to her own issues).
At age 11 I knew there was something horribly wrong in our home, at age 11 my son knew something was horribly wrong with me.
25 years later... we have worked through a lot of that, but I wish that at age 11 My mother and I, my son and I, had really been open to talk about what was really going on instead of feeling that it wasn't appropriate to discuss.
I don't want to sound critical in any way (hug) I'm just saying that this is how it worked out for me.
I hope you can have a honest discussion without malice with your child. I hope you seek help as needed to deal with the aftermath.
Best wishes (hug)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 11
Thank you
Thank you all for the kind words and responses. It helps me so much to know that there are people I can talk to.
I did talk to my daughter about it, a little bit, after a recent night of him yelling names at me. I asked her if she heard him yelling and if it upset her. She said she didn't hear anything because she had her headphones on. .... No wonder she puts her headphones on I thought.... And I know she still heard. I told her I was sorry she had to hear it and that it wasn't okay. I told her when I grew up I heard my dad yell at my mom too and that it would make me feel upset and sometimes scared. I told her she could talk to me about how she felt. She looked interested in what I had to say but still just shrugged and said she really didn't hear anything and that she wasn't upset. I don't want to force her to talk if she doesn't want to so I just responded with , okay, but please know that you can always talk to me. I love you. And she just shrugged again and said okay.
That's how it was left this time. I hope I cracked open a door for her. I am interested in al-anon, the book co-dependency no more, and al-a teen. My problem with seeking help for me and my daughter in town is that given my line of work and the size of the town I live in, I know I would see my clients there which would make it hard for me and for my daughter. I know it's supposed to stay confidential but I also know it wouldn't and that some of my clients would throw it in my face and tell my boss and co-workers. I've seen it happen to another co-worker. I know I need help for me and my daughter still so I am going to try to get al-anon, al-a teen books to start with. Maybe we will progress from there to meetings and I will learn how to deal with the consequences of that with my clients.
I wrote my husband an e-mail because he out of town right now... Yeah I know that is a chicken-**** way to confront him, but I can lose my train of thought when I speak and I get upset and don't say everything I have to say. So I wrote it down. I let him know how this is affecting me and our daughter and how I know he can't just choose to stop. I let him know I would be seeking help for myself and that I hoped he would too. I know he will be upset when he reads it and he will make many empty promises. I really just wrote him as a warning. A way to let him know that I can't continue to live like this. So that in the future, if I do leave, I can leave knowing that I gave him every warning and opportunity to choose us over pills and liquor.
Thanks guys. I will probably be here often.
Now I am going to get showered, make myself pretty, and go out with my daughter in the sunshine and try not to think about any of this, because she and I need to enjoy our lives and not sit in the house depressed about issues that belong to my husband.
Thanks again.
I did talk to my daughter about it, a little bit, after a recent night of him yelling names at me. I asked her if she heard him yelling and if it upset her. She said she didn't hear anything because she had her headphones on. .... No wonder she puts her headphones on I thought.... And I know she still heard. I told her I was sorry she had to hear it and that it wasn't okay. I told her when I grew up I heard my dad yell at my mom too and that it would make me feel upset and sometimes scared. I told her she could talk to me about how she felt. She looked interested in what I had to say but still just shrugged and said she really didn't hear anything and that she wasn't upset. I don't want to force her to talk if she doesn't want to so I just responded with , okay, but please know that you can always talk to me. I love you. And she just shrugged again and said okay.
That's how it was left this time. I hope I cracked open a door for her. I am interested in al-anon, the book co-dependency no more, and al-a teen. My problem with seeking help for me and my daughter in town is that given my line of work and the size of the town I live in, I know I would see my clients there which would make it hard for me and for my daughter. I know it's supposed to stay confidential but I also know it wouldn't and that some of my clients would throw it in my face and tell my boss and co-workers. I've seen it happen to another co-worker. I know I need help for me and my daughter still so I am going to try to get al-anon, al-a teen books to start with. Maybe we will progress from there to meetings and I will learn how to deal with the consequences of that with my clients.
I wrote my husband an e-mail because he out of town right now... Yeah I know that is a chicken-**** way to confront him, but I can lose my train of thought when I speak and I get upset and don't say everything I have to say. So I wrote it down. I let him know how this is affecting me and our daughter and how I know he can't just choose to stop. I let him know I would be seeking help for myself and that I hoped he would too. I know he will be upset when he reads it and he will make many empty promises. I really just wrote him as a warning. A way to let him know that I can't continue to live like this. So that in the future, if I do leave, I can leave knowing that I gave him every warning and opportunity to choose us over pills and liquor.
Thanks guys. I will probably be here often.
Now I am going to get showered, make myself pretty, and go out with my daughter in the sunshine and try not to think about any of this, because she and I need to enjoy our lives and not sit in the house depressed about issues that belong to my husband.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s like living in a house of cards when you gamble not only your future but your child’s on an active addict.
Banking on his income is like pouring gasoline on that house of cards then playing near it with matches.
I’m not saying leave today – run out the door but try and think of a plan for yourself and your child if it all falls down.
You say you can’t afford your area on your own salary, is there a way for you to increase your salary? Take some courses, class’s that will help you move up the income ladder? I know it was mentioned here that if you separate he will be responsible for child support – again you can’t count on that from an active addict.
It’s hard when our only solution to our problems involves someone else having to change. But if we focus on ourselves and become independent rather than dependent we stand a far better chance when the storm is over and able to make it through all the destruction.
One of the things to remember about al-anon meetings is that, everyone who is there is also affected by alcoholism/drugs in their lives. But if attending local meetings makes you feel uneasy then look into meetings in other towns around you. Many of the woman in my group are from quite a distance away because it makes them feel better NOT to attend a local one. The real importance is just getting to one and give it a try.
Banking on his income is like pouring gasoline on that house of cards then playing near it with matches.
I’m not saying leave today – run out the door but try and think of a plan for yourself and your child if it all falls down.
You say you can’t afford your area on your own salary, is there a way for you to increase your salary? Take some courses, class’s that will help you move up the income ladder? I know it was mentioned here that if you separate he will be responsible for child support – again you can’t count on that from an active addict.
It’s hard when our only solution to our problems involves someone else having to change. But if we focus on ourselves and become independent rather than dependent we stand a far better chance when the storm is over and able to make it through all the destruction.
One of the things to remember about al-anon meetings is that, everyone who is there is also affected by alcoholism/drugs in their lives. But if attending local meetings makes you feel uneasy then look into meetings in other towns around you. Many of the woman in my group are from quite a distance away because it makes them feel better NOT to attend a local one. The real importance is just getting to one and give it a try.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
