Scram

I have been an alcoholic for.. ever? But an alcoholic who has attempted to address it for about 8 years. I think I registered on here six years ago?

I am single. I have no wife/partner, children, or family (I'm gay). I'm 35 years old. And I have a job - which I have never really liked - which has paid well, and that has allowed me to keep hiding everything. Actually, I'm not hiding anything, but when you have enough to pay for random meals or cover random tickets or whatever then people sorta turn a blind eye. You can sort of paper over the fact that you're a problem, you know?

My alcoholism has progressed, as it does, and it's gotten to a level where it's clearly effected my work. Showing up late/hungover is one thing I'm used to - but it's gotten more serious. I handled an important correspondence (one that has contractual obligations) drunk... and it was a disaster. This isn't my first incident with this - it's about my fourth?

You guys... it's not just this. It's all of it. It's not like this is my only alcohol related failure. My life is an alcohol related failure. I have a mom with Alzheimer's I love dearly. And she keeps me here. I have to look out for her. But without that... I don't know. I would rather not be here at this point. And I'm not suicidal so please don't go that route. But I just feel like maybe this is it for me.

I have tried AA - so may times. I have a therapist who specializes in addiction. I have been given Naltrexone, but I don't take it the way I should. I don't know how this happened...

But here's where I am. And I hate where I am. This alcoholism will kill me... and there's nothing dramatic about that. I am dead serious, this will kill me one way or another. If I could go somewhere that alcohol simply does not exist I would.

I'm very sick. ):

TroyW

Sorry to hear it Scram. If it's any solace, I swear I could have wrote that myself. 33, gay, obviously no wife / kids, and alcoholism is giving me a good beating as well.

What do you do for hobbies? Maybe reach out, and try volunteering at places to get some more fulfillment in your life. I've noticed just hanging out in life working to get a bigger bank account is a huge trigger for me at least.

Dee74

I felt that way too - every word. I was serious.

Until I really did almost die.
My priorities really changed then.

I was able to look back then and admit I'd never come close to working as hard on my recovery as I did on my drinking...

I've never met anyone who couldn't get sober...not if they really wanted to

Make a list of options - things, approaches programmes that are available to you right now...

cross off the ones you won't do, for whatever reason - what's left?

that's a starting point - you really can do this

D

Meraviglioso

Hi Scram,

I can relate to your feelings of desperation. I feel like I keep failing at this too.
It sounds like your life really is starting to get out of control. It also sounds like you are trying very hard to fight this. Something must be missing though.

First, start taking your medication as prescribed. If AA is not working for you can you look into some other sort of recovery group? Is inpatient rehab an option for you?

Do you read books ever? I would highly recommend checking out Under The Influence: http://www.amazon.com/Under-Influenc...+the+influence It really has helped me to understand that our bodies process alcohol differently from non-alcoholics. It very clearly explains the science behind this, why we drink to excess, why our bodies crave more and more alcohol day after day. Our brains and livers are different. We simply CANNOT drink. The end. It doesn't mean we are weak or don't try hard enough to control ourselves or are psychologically damaged, it comes down to basic chemistry. But that means we cannot ever safely drink. We must stop.

What can we do to help you? What can you do to help yourself? It hurt me to read your post because I know what that feels like. What is something you can do today to stay sober?

mecanix

Hi Scram ,
have you checked out the secular recovery section ? there are things like AVRT , rational recovery .

I quit at 37 after my life being an alcohol related failure , you can get 2 years on me if you go for it

A reasonable amount of contentment and even some happiness have happened in sobriety , it don't happen magically i've had to work and change a whole lot and continue to do so every day .
Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not but it's a whole lot better without dragging round an addiction .

Bestwishes, m

Fluffer

Hi Scram,

Sorry about your painful situation. Maybe if you can stay sober for a while your depression will lift and you will be able to pursue things that give your life more meaning? you are still young and it sounds like you still have a normal life you could build on in sobriety. Do you want to start a family? I certainly know a lot of gay families in these parts. What do you think would make you happy? Don't you think staying sober would help you get there?

mcfearless

Did the Naltrexone help when you took it ? If so have you considered an implant ? Me and two close friends had great results with this treatment when almost all else failed.

sobriiestote

I totally understand

I wish I lived somewhere where alcohol didn't exist too, just take it away from me.

I'm tapering at the moment and it's going well, I'm no longer blacking out, doing stupid things drunk, having to piece together my life every day.

I'm doing this until my referral comes through for counselling, medication, whatever...

Does your medication work when you take it? Can you try forcing yourself back on it? Set reminders on your phone? Or take it at a time of day when you're most rational?

I agree about volunteering somewhere you like, being in a job you hate is like prison, if the money is not essential, get out, look for something you really like and ignore the £££, I'm earning half of what I did 15 years ago but am happier work wise than I've ever been.

Good luck, you're not alone feeling the way you do x

Verte

Hi Scram, from an outsiders perspective, when you write "I would rather not be here at this point", my initial response is "you do not have to be 'here'! How great is that!" Seriously, I was at that point when I came to SR and many things have changed since I stopped drinking. We do not have to stay stuck in a(n alcohol induced) rut!

My behavior under the influence had somehow gotten so uncharacteristic that it became characteristic. If that makes any sense? I started asking myself if I was somehow self-sabotaging at every turn and why? For example, talking to a long time colleague/reference/friend in the early evening while blacked out. Did I really want the job or was I going through the motions? When I was honest, all I wanted to do was drink but realized that drive was totally incompatible with everything else I ever wanted for myself. And how the heck did that happened? Did it really matter? Could I accept the consequences? Did I have a choice?

My head was spinning. I figured out how to stop drinking and the rest came after.

If you consider that you have been on one of the most important journeys of your life in order to arrive here, at day 1, it is a little exciting to think of what is ahead, no? Maybe that is too simplistic. But there is no way I would ever go back.

Soberwolf

Hi Scram, Have you considered rehab it saved both my sisters lives

Anna

Scram, I think one of the worst parts of alcoholism is that it destroys our souls. I understand the hopelessness that you feel. But, you need to know that you can change things. Just because you have tried before and it didn't work, doesn't mean it won't work now. You must not give up and stop trying. Do whatever it takes to stop drinking. There is lots of support here, so do keep reading and posting.

Spacegoat

Wow Verte, I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this one to the max. And I still don't understand it.


I hear what you are saying Scram. Alcohol chips away at our will to live, it erode's our souls as Anna said. Did you ever try a a stint in inpatient/rehab? It takes time to break from it psychologically as well as physically I think.

doggonecarl

If you need to get away from alcohol, arrange for your mother's care and go to rehab. You will be away from alcohol while to establish some sobriety and it will give you the tools you need to maintain it.

DitzyDandelion

This really resonates with me.

I really hope you give it a chance Scram. What have you really got to lose by trying? Anything worth having?

BlindsidedBetty

Good Morning, Scram. I hope today is brighter than yesterday. You can do this. I know things feel hopeless, but you sound like such a great guy. Take a bold step, please. Get to the bottom of your despair. It is likely larger than the drink, even if you can't fathom what it might be. Dig it up, plant a garden in its spot and get back to living. Love to you from flyover country.

FreeOwl

It's incredible how far from these feelings we can come when we get sober and make changes and work on ourselves and finally find freedom from the cycle of addiction.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I've felt similarly in my own past. It took me many years to finally get serious and decide to embrace sobriety totally. When I did, I got active and made changes. I didn't go to AA. I didn't try therapy. I didn't meditate or focus on my spiritual side or exercise or try new things or really explore getting to know myself or work on my emotions or share my feelings or journal or read the Big Book or cut out habits associated with my addiction or embrace change....

I did ALL of that.

And for the first year there were a lot of hard times and it wasn't always rosy.... but holy heck, was it worth it!!

Now a year and a half on, everything has changed.

You can do this too....

Fly N Buy

Cut off from the sunlight of the spirit, yes. Not bad people mostly, just lost sheep.......

sva777

Hi Scram, I identify with much of what you mentioned. I am married but for a long time I lived alone by myself which made it that much easier to hide my problems.

The work situations I also identify with, showing up hungover, calling out or heaven forbid doing work while drunk. I was lucky and quit before I lost my job or had something serious happen but it could have.

I like this forum because we all have been through varying degrees of the same story. We are all here for support from each other, just stick with it.

thomas11

hi Scram, I applaud you courage for being honest, and I thought you post was incredibly well written. Based on your description it does appear to be progressing, and you've had the resources to get away with it or cover for yourself. My brother in law (general contractor in LA) made the mistake of corresponding while drunk to the owner of a dance studio franchise in LA. He was the sole contractor in the LA area to build these things and kind a blew it...because of alcohol. So I get the seriousness of your concern. I also (think) I understand the "not wanting to here" and alcohol will kill me thoughts. It sounds like you are not suicidal at all, you just understand that alcohol will kill you at your current pace, and you wish you could remove yourself from the situation or environment completely (not be there). Alcoholism is sinking your ship and you're going down with it if I understand you correctly. I agree with Carl, I think you best option is LONG term inpatient, that is about as realistically close to a place you can go where alcohol doesn't exist. Sounds like you are in a tough spot Scram, I feel for ya. Again, I would consider long term treatment because as you said yourself, it will kill you, and you are not being dramatic. That's serious stuff.

JerryFish

"But an alcoholic who has attempted to address it for about 8 years."

"I have tried AA"

"I have been given Naltrexone, but I don't take it the way I should."


Think about it.