daffodil1

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I don't know what to do in my current situation.

In a nutshell I met someone and got pregnant very quickly. We got together in the September, found out I was pregnant in the January and moved in together in the April of that year.

I knew he liked a drink. I just didn't know in the beginning what extent the drinking went to.

Over the first few months when we were not living together, I knew he liked to play pool on a Thursday night and on one occasion he drove to my house afterwords and I knew he shouldn't have. Prior to this he told me that his mum and dad and family do not like drinking or alcohol, so not to tell them we drink. I just thought this was due to the fact that his parents were tee total and don't approve. How wrong that information was. I later discovered that it wasn't they didnt like it, they knew that he had a problem and tried their best not to let it be an issue.

Anyways, the drinking and driving happened on a few occassions. Then it was he came over and we would have a can while watching a film (and by a can I mean me have one can and he had 6). I started to think at this point there was more too it than met the eye.

I then found out I was pregnant. We moved in together. For a while things were ok, but we never seemed to have any money even though we both worked good jobs with good salaries. I then decided to try and take control of the money, but that didnt work out either and the money still got spent.

Several occassion he would go down the pub and then drive home. Then come home and say nasty things to me (By this time I was heavily pregnant). One night just before I was due to have my baby, he went out and didnt take his phone and was out all night. I was so close to giving birth I could have had the baby that night without his knowledge. In spite of this I stayed with him.

Just after my baby was born I was admitted to hospital. I was in for 7 days with my baby there with me. One night out of the 7 he went out and didnt visit me and was extreamly hung over the next day.

Another occasion a few months later he came home from the pub and we had a massive row. I then left the next morning going to his parents house for help. It was then I was told a few home truths about what he was like before he met me with drinking and what he was truly like. I was so angry! Why had someone not told me about this before, and why had I been left to deal with this along with having a new born baby to look after?

He was given an ultimatum that time. He promised he would stay sober. He did for a few weeks, then things started going wrong again. I use to dread the days he got paid because I knew he would come home having had a few drinks. In the mean time I was at home with the baby.

We still had no money. We moved to a cheaper house and I decided to go back to work when my baby was little over 5 months old. Biggest mistake of my life. I was a mess. Emotional all the time as I had to leave my baby and on top of this I was dealing with the lack of support from my partner. There were many occasions I would go and pick my baby up from my mums (who looks after the baby while I was at work) and drove past the pub and found his car outside. Surly any decent father would go and get their child when he finished work and then go out?

This continued and in the end it was easier to just go along with it to avoid arguments.

The last 11 weeks we were together he was working away alot. He always told me he would call me before bed, and I never got a phone call so I can only assume he was drinking as money seemed to get drained more so while he was working away. He blamed it on toll charges and the fact he had to buy a sandwich for lunch (breakfast and dinner were provided by his employer) but a sandwich for lunch a toll charges still didn't justify his spending.

Anyways, 5 weeks ago (the weekend I finally kicked him out). Thursday night he goes to the pub, gets in a mess and drives the car home. After coming home in a mess we go to bed and he wets the bed. Meaning I did not get an ounce of sleep all night as I was on the sofa and I had work the next day (this happened a lot where I would not sleep after he had been out all night). I was furious and went to work. The next day he was apologetic and trying to make it up to me (as he always did). I asked him if he had got paid that day. He told me no. I find out the saturday night that he indeed had been paid. So I am working my butt off full time trying to get us out of debt, while leaving my baby 5 days a week to find out the money is getting pissed up the wall?

I lost my top and asked him to leave. He then returned to my house at 3am drunk with blood on his face. Needless to say that was it for me and it was at that moment i realized things were never going to change.

We have now been separated for 5 weeks. He is living with his parents (90 mins away from me and the baby).

He has been saying the baby, but things between me and him are not great. He is blaming me for the break up. Saying that I am the one who threw him out and I made my bed and I need to lie in it and deal with it.

He is also saying that he has lost everything and he has done nothing wrong. He has never once said he is sorry. He keeps saying that I have taken things to far and that I need to take responsibility for it. I cant help him anymore than I have tried to, but he is not getting the help he needs nor is he even prepared to change.

He keeps saying that I am just thinking of myself and not him. That the baby is going to suffer and his other children. Hes saying that at least I have a home and he has nothing. Trying to guilt me.

I dont see how this is my fault? I put up with alot more than most people, and I cant live the rest of my life like this.

I feel like I am being physiologically bullied and that hes trying to make me believe its my fault so I feel guilty? All i have ever tried to do is be there for him!

Is it my fault? Everyone else is saying that its not, but the more he keeps talking to me like this the more I feel like it could be my fault?

I am sorry for the long post but I needed to let it out somehow!

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR Daffodil you will get more replies here Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to the site its nice to meet you

daffodil1

Thank you so much

Soberwolf

No problem Daffodil

Opivotal

Welcome daffodil1!

I moved your thread to the appropriate forum.

horsegirl

You didnt Cause it , cannot Control it, cannot Cure it.
I blamed myself for my failed relationship for a long time.
We had time apart 3 1/2 months. Just reconnected, he is still doing the same things, living the same life , has the same problems as he did when he was with me . Hmmm that made me realize.. How can all the problems we had be my fault when I left and nothing changed for him ?? Light Bulb!! . I need to take responsibility for my part in the relationship (codependency ) , but most of what I blamed myself for did not change when I was out of the picture.
Freedom from guilt what a great feeling.

horsegirl

You did not Cause it, cannot Control it, cannot Cure it.
I blamed myself for my failed relationship for a long time.
We just re conntected , He is living the same life and has the same problems as when I left. Hmm , how can it be my fault when I was out of the picture and his life did not change? Light Bulb!! I need to take responsibility for my part (codependency) , but I am free of shame and blame for everything I and he thought were my fault.
very liberating! big self esteem boost.
take some time , let it ride and detach , you will come to see not everything is /was your fault.

ladyscribbler

Wow. I could have written this same post a few years ago, except I wasn't smart enough to see the red flags waving in my face and get away from my alcoholic ex then. I waited five more years, and dealt with progressively worse behavior. I lived in a constant cycle of dread, and vividly remember that anxiety I felt when I knew he was getting paid.
You did the right thing protecting yourself and your baby. Don't worry about his guilt tripping nonsense. He's just making excuses, when the real issue is obviously his drinking. Since he's not ready to quit, you made the best possible decision.
Glad to hear that you have support from your family as well.
Welcome. Keep reading and posting. We are here for you.

shil2587

It depends what you are seeking blame for. You are single because of a decision you made. A very good decision, that you would not live with an adult who is more of a drain on you than a new born child. So in way, yes, it's your fault because it was your decision.

But although you are feeling lonely now and missing the idea of a father figure, he was never that and I hope you will soon feel proud of what you did for yourself and your daughter. It's something many of us here are struggling with.

His fault was his appalling and irresponsible behaviour. His fault was the way he treated you and his child. His fault was hiding it from you. None of that is a reflection on your worth. You made the perfect decision at the perfect time.

daffodil1

I gave him chance after chance to get help or I told him we couldn't work. He choose not to, so I made the decision! It was the hardest most difficult thing I had to do! All I do is cry when my daughter goes to bed. I just want to shake him and tell him to sort himself out and make him see!

shil2587

I completely know what you mean. I wish I had your strength. I tend to put up and shut up once he gets sober again and maybe forgive too easily. What you did was amazing. You got rid of a situation that was going to sink you financially and emotionally. That was going to damage you and a new born child in deep ways that only years of therapy might have been able to fix. You showed yourself you are worth more and that example is one your baby will learn as she grows up too. This 'fault' is really an achievement. Frankly, you deserve a medal.

I am sure other single moms will be along to say its hard but possible to raise a child alone. But from the sounds of it you have a supportive family to help and you are already getting yourself set up. Go you!

Liveitwell

^^ yep-it is possible and so worth it! I'm right now raising my two young girls alone and although it has it's challenges, I would not have it any other way...we are free from alcoholism and alcohol abuse!! I have an incredible support system of friends, family and neighbors that all pitch in to help. You did THE right thing for your baby.

Seriously-you did not cause this at all. He's sick and it sounds like his family is sick as well as they continue to enable him and excuse his behavior, falsely thinking they are supporting him.

Kudos to you and continue coming back-we are here for you and all of us have walked through fire and come out the other side stronger and healthier. Peace to you!

horsegirl

[QUOTE=daffodil1;5468491]I gave him chance after chance to get help or I told him we couldn't work. He choose not to, so I made the decision! It was the hardest most difficult thing I had to do! All I do is cry when my daughter goes to bed. I just want to shake him and tell him to sort himself out and make him see![/QUO

I cry and cried more in the last year 1/2 than I have ever in my life! It is your bodys way of getting out all of the pent up feelings you have inside. I used to think i would never stop crying , it scared me to death . Now when I cry i know it will stop , I know it is just me getting out my sadness , loss ectt. it does pass, .
IT IS OK TO FEEL

garfiild

Daf, I think you already know it, but this guy is not firmly planted in reality - and instead of choosing reality, he's trying to suck YOU into HIS warped thinking.

Let's see, does the above make any rational, logical sense? How about if we change a few words around.....

but things between me and him are not great. He is blaming [himself] for the break up. Saying that [he is] the one who [got himself thrown] out and [he] made [his] bed and [he] need[s] to lie in it and deal with it.

He is also saying that he has lost everything [because] he has done nothing [right]. He has never once said he is [worthy of forgiveness]. He keeps saying that [he has] taken things to far and that [he needs] to take responsibility for it. ...

He keeps saying that [he was / is] just thinking of [himself]. That the baby is going to suffer and his other children [because of his own behavior.] Hes saying that at least [he had] a home and [now] he has nothing.

That version seems reasonable - but it's almost the exact opposite of what your hearing. Instead this whole thing must be YOUR fault, because accepting responsibility himself is inconceivable. Result = totally insane thinking. And sadly, as others will tell you, he's not going to see reality anytime soon (if at all), and not without a lot of work and effort on his part.

You seem like a smart gal, Daf. You know what the truth is. Don't let him take the truth - the reality you can see - away from you.

Tangled34

Hi daffodil I am in the exact same boat as you in fact I could have wrote your post myself! Even the part where you had the baby in Hospital, I was in HDU for 3 days and dd was in ICU and AH was in the pub! And when he finished work earlier than me he would go to the bar and leave our dd in daycare until I finished work! I also have the same feelings as you in that I started to blame myself! I did everything that you did i.e. asking his family for help. He is gone out of the house since April staying with his parents rent free where his mom is enabling him and he doesn't have to lift a finger. I even got the part where he said you threw me out, you made your bed now you can lie in it.

I am also bringing up our dd on my own and you know what she will be a better person for it our little ones needn't see all the chaos that alcohol brings with it. We can barely get our heads around it so can you imagine what must go on in their little minds god love them. One good parent is better than two bad parents and that's what my AH made me feel as we were constantly at each other's throats over his drinking.

As for all the crying I did that every day still do but it's every second day now lol. It does get easier though! He is not your problem anymore look after yourself and your baby from now on and do what is right for ye. No more sleepless nights waiting up for him and when he comes in with his drunken antics. I must say that in itself is a relief.

I am one to talk I could be in tears again tomorrow but just wanted you to know you are not alone in everything you have gone through and everything that you are feeling. Hugs.

daffodil1

I am so glad I found this forum! I am crying reading your responses, but happy tears that I am not the on,y one! I have been looking at local support groups to help me through, and am having counselling too! I thought it was post natal depression at first, but I now know that not to be the case!

Thank you all sooooooo much! God bless you all xxx

Ap052183

It's a very hard situation to be in. First...you are so strong. You did what many won't.
I live with guilt daily so I understand. So much guilt that it led to depression. I constantly ask myself why couldn't I be more supportive? Why was I always angry? He probably drank because I work so much and I tend to be detached.
NO
you had nothing to do with it. He probably would have drank if he won the lottery. They drink because they drink. Be kind to yourself. You did what was right for you and your baby.

maia1234

D- I am very sorry for what your babies Daddy has done. The hard thing to understand, is that he is an alcoholic and that is what they do, drink. He is not drinking at you or to hurt you and baby daffodil, he is a sick person and has no control over his drinking. I am not trying to justify what he is doing but he has a terrible disease. I just want you, in time, to find some compassion for these troubled people.

Do your homework, go over to the "new recovery" and the "alcoholism" forum and read how difficult the A's have it. The alcohol makes them do horrible things. There life is not a grand as we think they have it. I understand that you are pxssed at him for what he has chosen to do, but to ease your anger, read.... Educate yourself about this disease. Try and hit some alanon meetings and open AA meetings if you can. It takes time and education to rebuild your life, and you both are worth it.

Hugs my friend, things will get better!!

Tangled34

Look after yourself D and you know what it might be no harm to take a trip to your GP and explain your situation. It's not easy with your first baby especially with everything else that is going on with ABF! I too had PND probably because I had a problematic pregnancy and traumatic birth with no support from AH! Do everything for yourself and when you are feeling a bit better your little baby will reap the rewards xxx

Hopeworks

What your husband has been doing is a form of mental abuse known as "gas-lighting" where the abuser spins the facts or even make stuff up to create confusion, doubt and even the sanity of the abused.

It is a common ploy by A's to exert control by manipulating the situation into their favor. Co-defendants are especially vulnerable because often feel that we need to go to heroic standards to make everything OK. We simply have no power to change the A but we want it so badly we can be vulnerable to the false fantasy.
Meetings, this website, books and therapists can keep our head on straight when the A tries to twist our necks around to their false reality.
It's not your fault!!!