Anasassin

I think about it all the time. When I have a bad day I want to drink to make it go away. When I have a long day I want to drink to relax. When I have a good day I want to drink to celebrate..... I wonder if I will have withdrawals. I wonder how bad they will be. I just KNOW it has to stop. On and off, for the past couple of years, I have said to myself 'You have a problem and it can't last forever. But I only REALLY began to contemplate quitting when I started going to Community College. I took a health class and one thing that stuck in my head was that getting drunk can severely effect your cognitive thinking abilities for up to 30 days. What good is it to go to college if I am not using my brain to all of its ability.

A few months later I learned that my health is seriously declining. It's partly because I am overweight (the drinking helped get me fat) and partly because I drink SO much. I have high liver enzymes and pancreatitis.

After going to the doctor I changed my eating habits completely and joined a gym. I am supposed to work out every day but I miss workouts because I am too hungover and dehydrated to go.

The next thing that slapped me in the face with reality is when I hid a bottle of vodka in my dresser drawer so no one would know I was drinking.

The thing that really convinced me it was time was missing a memorial service because I was too hung over to get out of bed..... Yeah, sad isn't it?

Even as I am writing about these horrors I am craving that drink.

MIRecovery

I love alcohol to. It was the consequences I couldn't deal with and the consequences just keep getting worse and worse

least

I used to love it too. More honestly, I didn't 'love' it, I needed it. I'm so glad I don't drink anymore. I love my life sober and wouldn't throw it away.

Sounds like you really want to get sober. You can do that, but you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Dee74

I think most of us identify with your post Anasassin.

I think support can really help you not only stay sober but also challenge the idea of exactly how much you 'love' alcohol.

With a little sober time I came to see & accept I didn't love it at all.

welcome aboard

D

zjw

yep monday, tuesday, wedsday, anyday

happy, sad, mad, frustrated, awake

it never really mattered I realized i wanted to drink pretty much any chance that i could. I like dto label like the above it gave each occurance some sort of uniqueness as if it was some kind of a special event and thats why i was drinking.... it never was a special event really any old time would do but i fooled myself.

Aint it something? I could be in the midst of panic i could wake up and tell myself good god no more and bam I was drinking again why not ya know. I could screw up while drunk feel bad about it and decide welp i better get drunk so i can feel better ::facepalm::

its all really irrational.

I hope it doesnt have to get worse for you before it gets better. Thats the question you gotta ask yourself how far are you willing to allow this to go?

GnikNus

You obviously recognize the ill effects drinking has caused, and the mental obsession that keeps you craving alcohol. This site is a great resource if you're serious about quitting.
The early part is the hardest, but once you get through that initial period, it does get easier- and life gets so much better.
Pancreatitis can kill you. Painfully. Is drinking worth that? Declining health alone is reason to quit, but there are so many other benefits to leaving alcohol behind for good.

doggonecarl

Don't confuse loving alcohol with needing it.

Ohme

Man oh man. I love it too. It's your best friend who never turns you down when you need her, and always makes you feel better. But as they say around here, if you play the tape to the end, that best friend she makes you feel like the scum of the earth so that you need to keep hanging out with her.
Anyways, welcome to SR... I am only on day 2 today so we are kind of in the same boat right now.

NickOz21

Welcome to the forums Anassasin. Many of us are in the same boat !

CaseyW

Welcome to SR, Anasassin. If you still have that booze hiding in a drawer, I suggest pouring it out right away. There's no better day than today to stop drinking. I thought I loved alcohol too for a long, long time, but I'm realizing more everyday that I was just addicted to it and chasing after a good feeling that it stopped giving me many years ago.

Hope you'll give sobriety a chance and check in here often. There's a ton of great wisdom and support to be found here.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Anasassin!!

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR

ccam1973

Welcome Anasassin. Like the other's have said, there's a difference between love and need. I got to the point that I thought I loved that drink at 10 am in the morning.

Deep down I always knew it was never about love. It was about need, addiction, fear of change...

You can do this if you want. Stay strong today!

FreeOwl

I understand where you're coming from.

I've been there.

From the position of 19 months sober, it's not like that anymore.

I hope you can embrace sobriety and learn how good it is to be free of this dark and twisted "love".

lighter

Alcohol hates me.

Elizabeth333

Welcome - I know exactly of what you have shared. For years I loved alcohol - vodka straight out of the bottle - wow I used to think - I feel great and on and it went.
many years later, no job, family not speaking to me, health declining and I was pretty much laying in the basement with the dog, swilling down the cheap vodka that I kept hidden. (even though everyone knew what I had become). At that point I hated the burning sensation of it going down my throat. My bloated red face and bloodshot eyes. Looking into the eyes of one of my grandchildren I knew it had to be over. And it was. Not easy, but everyday I add of sobriety I am so blessed. Clear eyes, clear head - able to engage with others and be present. Please stop and if you fall, just keep getting back up.

nyala

Welcome.

Thank you for sharing your first post. I can guarantee that you will be helping someone in a similar situation who is reading it now.

Get rid of all the booze in your house and you will be putting the tiniest of wedges between you and the temptation to take the first drink. This will help, I promise.

Beyond that read here and post whenever you feel twitchy, anxious, unsure or anything. You will receive a swift reply at any hour of day or night. You are not alone.

Its not easy, but you can do it. And you have already started.

Zebra1275

But alcohol doesn't love you. It wants to screw up your life.

Punkin7788

The day after drinking a crater could be down upon us n I still prolly wouldn't care. I physically drink myself exhausted. Then theirs the day after that. Self loathing city for this girl. I say I'll never drink again then I'll rationalize n say I just won't drink so much next time duhhh! Y didn't I think of that right?! But then I find out I can't stop... bc I'm either having too much fun or the ppl around me r having too much fun whatever the excuse. My mental health is always compromised after drinking. I have anxiety n depression n days after its like I'm in full blown panic attack mode it's scary. I luckily don't crave alcohol on a daily basis n I can't imagine having all these problems I have already with the craving of the thing that makes these problems for me on a daily basis. I'll pray for you. I'm new to this for my own addiction but I have family members with addictions n they never did meetings n I know if they went they'd probably would of had a better chance at staying sober. I think meetings would greatly benefit towards ur recovery. I just started this but I feel much better just by talkin to ya'll on here I don't feel so alone.

2WheelsGood

What got my attention about the health effects of long term drinking wasn't the fatty liver disease, the acute pancreatitis, or even cirrhosis. We all know about those. It was when I was taking a medical terminology class at a local community college (just to learn something) and we had the term: esophageal varices. It scared the crap out of me. A hell of a way to die.

What got me to seriously stop though was the social toll it was taking on my life. When you have someone telling you how much you alienated your family and friends on your bender "this time" yet again it finally starts to sink in. Alcohol is not your friend.