philly76

I really want to stop drinking. But then I keep reading, "you won't stop until you're ready." Where's the line?

Part of me liked this site before I started talking to people on it. I could rant, say what I really thought, and just be a mess seeking some sort of end.

Well screw formalities. I'm a mess. I'm a mess who still finds a reason to drink most evenings after work. And while a big part of me knows I don't want to drink, I still don't know how to internalize "you won't stop until you're ready."

I'm good in the AM, when I wake up and say, "Oh, god, never again." I'm good until about 4pm, when I start rationalizing it. Do I really have to hit rock bottom? Do I really have to have a doctor tell me to stop? How does someone who knows where he's headed address the afternoon rationalizations?

I don't want to get sick. I've always been a strong and independent person. But with booze, it's weird. It's a compulsion. One I know I'll regret in the morning but I'll drink anyway. Should I call in some old friends? I've tried with some and alienated them. I've tried meeting new people, but it's hard to feel a true obligation to strangers.

I guess there's no easy fix, and I guess that's what I'm looking for. I honestly have no reason to drink most nights, I guess I'm just looking for a reason not to drink. If that makes sense.

Full disclosure, I've been coming to this site for a while, and I honestly feel a little douchey for still commenting in the newcomers forum. Is it normal to struggle for this long? I'm just feeling a little helpless right now.

damascus1986

I was on suboxone for a good year or so Trying to stop on my own. trying to control it. I wnet into detox(opiates) then rehab for a month. Then meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, went through some blessings and some harder times ,but it worked.

I dont think theres a easy fix, if i told you it was always easy id be lying. I will say the detox i went through wasnt as bad as some of the times i got sick from running out or trying to stop onmy own.

A reason to stop? that could go on for days Money, freedom, happiness, just to start, risk of death is certainly down.

Verte

No need to feel douchey, philly. When I arrived here I knew that deep down somewhere inside I loved myself enough to stop the general self-destruction. It nagged me. Even if I thought I was getting away with it because of x, y, z, alcohol contributed to something internally corrosive. But what?

Until I came here to SR, no one had ever suggested that figuring out how to stop drinking was the first step towards truly freeing myself from whatever bound me. I had no idea what exactly my problem was or that, at is happens, I have problems plural. There had already been enough crap along the course of my life, no need to invite more. In the days after booting alcohol, worthwhile questions and answers slowly revealed themselves.

Why keep alcohol in your life? "I really want to stop drinking" is enough of a reason to figure out how to get through day by day without it. Philly, figure out how to physically stop drinking alcohol and the rest will come. Give yourself time. Try to be patient. My response may sound banal, but I tell you, removing alcohol has removed a whole load of stuff I never liked in my life anyway. Problem(s) plural solved.

Dee74

The line is wherever you want to draw it.
A lot of people think a 'bottom' is some catastrophic event that initiates change - but it needn't be that way at all.

If you're sick and tired of drinking and you really want change - and you're prepared to follow that up with action - you can really truly stop today

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

D

Olive1

Hi Philly,
I actually didn't know my last drink was going to be my last drink. Even after two weeks in the hospital and 21 days of inpatient rehab, I still wanted to drink.
But I started paying attention to the sober people around. And I finally decided that I really wanted what they had.
It was still hard, very hard, to not drink, but it got better eventually.
And then it got even better.
You can decide.

gettingsmarter

philly I was a night and weekend drinker. Just waking up and feeling good is enough reason for me (there are many many others though). Quitting has made every day so much better. Just wanted to throw out some extra positive thought.

strategery

You don't have to hit rock bottom philly. I was very similar to you, I had entertained the idea of getting sober for a number of years since I knew health problems were a matter of time before they showed up. However, even when I got here, I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to get sober, but deep down, I knew I needed to quit.

When I first got here, I thought I might try out sobriety for awhile, but I soon changed my mind that it was going to be a temporary thing.

One of the things that changed my mind was seeing what some people have gone through here. It made me realize I didn't want to go down that same path. Many times IOA22 brings up YETs in terms of certain things that haven't happened to you yet. Just reading some of what people have gone through woke me up very quickly and made me realize how serious it can get.

One of the things you may want to do, is spend more time here. I spent lots of time here trying to figure things out and the more stories I read, the firmer my resolve became to get and stay sober.

This community is wonderful and willing to help if you want to get sober. I am truly grateful for all of the wisdom and help I've received here from this community.

MelindaFlowers

I had low bottoms and warnings from my doctor and showed up every day to work hungover. I was a "low bottom" drunk. They say that most people's bottoms are because of getting in trouble with the law, relationships with family/friends/spouses, and health reasons. I had to stop because of health reasons, staring me in the face with two choices to stop drinking or not live much longer.

I can really relate to your post because I continued drinking after the health stuff. I wondered every day, If that didn't make me stop, then what will? Seriously?

I was lucky that my body was in so much turmoil that my physical need for alcohol became an aversion. In a nutshell, I woke up one morning and just could not stand it anymore. But everybody has those mornings, right? So, I guess my story is not unique but something changed in me that day.

I don't know if this post is much help but we do get to a point where we just can't do it anymore. I wish I would have stopped earlier.

Just so you know, all the promises of an improved life after getting sober are true.

I have learned that we have to be proactive in our recovery. I'd say to spend some time here every day.

Berrybean

Everyone's bottom is different.

For me it was just the point that I realised that if I wanted my life to change, then I would have to change. No-one was going to come along and do it for me. I also realised that it was ME I wanted to change, not just things in my life. Realising that I was the fundamental problem. I didn't want to know me any more - let alone BE me. There needed to be absolute willingness on my part. No excuses. No self-pity. Just abstinence initially - and, when that got too painful, learning about 'recovery' (which for me meant AA) and slowly watching my life improve so that it gradually got so I wanted to live again.

Scram

Philly76 -

While reading your post, I felt like I could have written it myself. Seriously, I have the same emotions and responses.

I'm 35. I've been trying to stop drinking for almost a decade. I have somehow, someway been able to maintain what may look like professional success (?)... but oh no, I'm an absolute mess. I mean, for most who know me just beyond the surface level I think that's pretty obvious. I've watched my external persona go from party animal in his 20s > to guy who still likes to tear it up in his early 30s > to..... guy who is apparently holding it together, I guess??

I go to a therapist. One of many things I do with the initial intention of getting all better, only to find out that while it is helpful, the therapist can't physically make me stop. And last week I said something for the first time and I really, really meant it. I said, "I'm actually starting to lost faith in the idea that I will ever stop. Maybe this is just it for me?".

And that was really, really sad. Because I always believed I could beat this if I just tried hard enough. And I don't know if that's true anymore. I'm dead serious, if it wasn't for this site I would think it was impossible. So I keep coming back..

Ronker

Hi,
well you sound a mirror image of me recently.

Kept waking up saying that's it, kept drinking more n more every night.

But I agree the time has to be right, but you and your body decide that. I was feeling really bad, really tired, yellow eyes, etc..

Then the frame of mind just sprung upon me, the day had come, I was killing myself, living in fear of some major organ failure, my mind n body were ready, so I made an apt at docs.

I suggest you seek medical advice as dependent on your intake, suddenly stopping can be dangerous, psych yourself up for it, n you will know when the day is that your ready.

Theres no magic pill or formula, you MUST want to stop, you must put all your effort into it, there are medications to ease your ride, but that's all they do, its like stopping smoking, you gotta want it too.

good luck

Fluffer

I personally can't stand the tired line of "you won't stop until you're ready". Well, of course you won't do anything until you're "ready" unless forced to by external circumstances such as prison or hospitalization. Way too often it's used as a cop-out and justification for failure to take action. I drank for decades knowing it was seriously harming me and limiting my life and was potentially disastrous. I can say I wasn't "ready" to stop drinking but the truth was I wanted to avoid doing the work and suffering the discomfort of getting over the hump in recovery. Do we procrastinate on our work because we aren't "ready" to do it? That's a crock. If you wait until it seems like the comfortable thing to and you feel "ready", it ain't gonna happen. Time to take charge of your life instead of passively waiting for decisions to be made for you. If you wait for the doctors to give you an ultimatum, your life may already be irrevocably damaged.

EndGameNYC

The language of knowing when we're "ready" to stop has no place in getting sober, and creates a logical absurdity and a practical nightmare. For me, being "ready" to stop drinking has nothing at all to do with getting sober. Being "ready" for something implies some sort of preparation. I'm ready to take my road test. I'm ready to give my presentation at work. I'm ready to climb Everest. We've already prepared for sobriety by drinking our lives away, destroying our sense of self-worth, ruining ourselves financially, stomping all over important relationships, and continuously putting our physical and mental health at risk. Years of preparation, and this is only a partial list. You don't have to check off everything on the list to be "ready" to stop drinking, and everyone who drinks heavily puts their physical and mental health at risk. So there's that. We all qualify for "readiness."

Many of us will tell you that we're ready to stop ("This time is different."), only to continue to relapse. Knowing when we're ready is something we can only know by looking backwards. I didn't feel "ready" to stop when I did. I had no other choice. Does my having put together four years of sobriety since that time mean I was, in fact, ready when I was forced to stop drinking? I only knew when I was "ready" to stop after I'd stopped for some time. In fact, it wasn't readiness at all that helped me to achieve sobriety. You need to stop first before you know when you're ready. It pains me to even use that word.

If I'd waited until I felt ready to do the things that are important to me in my life, I'd still be waiting. Cancer patients are never ready for chemotherapy or radiation therapy. Diabetics are never ready to make dietary and other lifestyle changes. Alcoholism doesn't seem lethal until it's too late.

Even worse, the idea that we only stop drinking when we're ready to do so leaves open a back door, a loophole, to first continue drinking, and then to relapse after we've stopped. 'Readiness' is the language of procrastination. "I guess I just wasn't ready to stop." Or, and perhaps worse, "I guess you just weren't ready."

Another perspective tells us that, when we want to continue drinking, when we don't believe that we can get sober, then we are therefore not "ready" to get sober. The thing is, not everyone believes that they'll get and then stay sober when they first put down the drink. How many times have your heard or read statements like, "I can't believe I haven't had a drink in thirty days!" Anticipation of failure or imperfection is a ludicrous excuse to continue drinking (particularly when we consider the consequences of doing so), and we're among the best in our species for coming up with ridiculous reasons to continue drinking. Putting down the drink is all about fear. And the longer we put off facing our fears, the more frightening and intimidating they become.

Put down the drink, man. You can then worry about being ready to get sober every day of your sober life.

JD4010

I keep coming back here and updating my "sober date". That shows you how douchey I am.

I've simply got to stop. My health can't withstand any more booze. Right now, I'm trying to hold onto how good I feel when I don't drink. I went to a party last weekend and didn't have a drop, even though lots of booze was flowing. It was easy not to drink around the party crowd. However, the next night, I bought some cheap hooch and downed it. Being home alone makes it far more likely that I will drink.

This morning, I don't have a hangover because I didn't drink last night. I feel pretty good and hope to get a lot done today. I love the feeling of NOT being hung over.

I've also made the discovery that drinking isn't fun. The anticipation of it is, but the actual act of doing it isn't. If you're like me, you drink past the point of being able to remember stuff you did while drunk. So you can't remember how "fun" it was--just how horrible you feel the next day.

And more often than not, you find out you did at least one stupid thing while drunk.

Anyway, I'm building a plan for the next time the urge hits (probably later this afternoon). Sounds like a glass of V8 Juice and a trip to the library are in order.

Weasel1966

I connected here for the first two years while still really really struggling. Forget that wall you are putting up.

Keep coming here no matter what. Keep trying.

You can do this. I did and if I can you can.

K

nmd

Keep trying. If you mess up, you can learn something from it, make changes and try again. You don't need to be ready, just don't drink. Figure the rest out as you go. The consequences of drinking are worse than worrying about it.

I'm in the same camp really, ive been here over a year and still working on it. I had a 3 month stretch sober, but messed up.
SR exist for support. If the only people who came here we already completely sober, what would be the point? People with long term sobriety all messed up on the way there, but they kept trying.

Soberwolf

What D said keep at it Philly rome wasnt built in a day