The Narcissistic Grandparent (advice sought, question within)
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The Narcissistic Grandparent (advice sought, question within)
This is making me sick to my stomach but I cannot rest on it…
"The narcissistic grandparent: perhaps one of the most dangerous and sick species that we have on the planet"
I don't need anyone to tell me that the above statement will prove true however the validation has been invaluable. I am trying to get myself up to speed in this regard.
I just got off the phone to my solicitor and got my legal guardianship paper's in the post this morning. As I was trying to explain to her, the only decent thing I can do with these papers is try and use them to prevent the cycle of abuse transferring to the next generation. There is still time I feel to turn it around from the direction it's headed but not a lot, and certainly it is headed in the wrong direction. Most of you know more about this than me, I have been on a crash course...
I'l be brief. My solicitor seems to have a good handle on what I'm saying to her, that it is not in the best interest of the child for my family to have free and unsupervised access to him (if any at all) which is now the case. A circumstance that is beyond my control and has always been against my wishes before I even had any sort of handle on the reason's why. She has asked me to put that in writing to her, I told her it would take me a few days at least. But guy's, where to begin???
"The narcissistic grandparent: perhaps one of the most dangerous and sick species that we have on the planet"
I don't need anyone to tell me that the above statement will prove true however the validation has been invaluable. I am trying to get myself up to speed in this regard.
I just got off the phone to my solicitor and got my legal guardianship paper's in the post this morning. As I was trying to explain to her, the only decent thing I can do with these papers is try and use them to prevent the cycle of abuse transferring to the next generation. There is still time I feel to turn it around from the direction it's headed but not a lot, and certainly it is headed in the wrong direction. Most of you know more about this than me, I have been on a crash course...
I'l be brief. My solicitor seems to have a good handle on what I'm saying to her, that it is not in the best interest of the child for my family to have free and unsupervised access to him (if any at all) which is now the case. A circumstance that is beyond my control and has always been against my wishes before I even had any sort of handle on the reason's why. She has asked me to put that in writing to her, I told her it would take me a few days at least. But guy's, where to begin???
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Narcissistic grandparent
Yup everything he says is correct... It all happened personally to my children and myself.
My narsistic mother, the children's grandmother , did everything in her power to be the centre of attention in kids lives...I wasn't smart enough to see the emotional turmoil. When I did finally clue in and tried putting a stop to it, it was all too late. She has my one son as her golden child. He can do no wrong. He is perfect to her. He has the perfect body...reminds her of her first husband (my father) who is also a narsistis . She even has a picture of my son hanging in her hallway in a bodybuilding pose, in a mans bikini !! An 8x10 glossy that company gets to see every time they come over. She risked my kids lives in numerous dangerous situations and when I tried to stop it, she told the kids I was being mean to her. For golly sakes she had them holding onto ropes going up and down hills on roller blades in on coming traffic. She fed and rewarded them with alcohol and undermined every single attempt I made to stop it. When I attempted to stop that out came the accusations that I was mean and didn't want them to have fun. It was illegal. By that point the children had already sided with gramma cause once again gramma had the money and as she says "she who has the money , has the power ". I lost my children to my own ineffectual parenting, trusting my mother who obviously couldn't be trusted, not trusting my gut...I regret so many things. I wish I knew then what I know now and would have moved to Australia and left no forwarding address .
I only hope that one day maybe my children will want to hear my side of the story, but the way things are going right now I doubt that will ever occur. They see me as the crazy one..they have no respect for me. My mother is evil and when confronted will not even look at me or address the issues. she has never apologized for anything EVER. In her mind she is perfect.
PROTECT your kids at all costs. It is so sad what narsistic abuse can do. And it is multi generational...ARG... Keep your children safe and educate them on the various toxic personalities.
My narsistic mother, the children's grandmother , did everything in her power to be the centre of attention in kids lives...I wasn't smart enough to see the emotional turmoil. When I did finally clue in and tried putting a stop to it, it was all too late. She has my one son as her golden child. He can do no wrong. He is perfect to her. He has the perfect body...reminds her of her first husband (my father) who is also a narsistis . She even has a picture of my son hanging in her hallway in a bodybuilding pose, in a mans bikini !! An 8x10 glossy that company gets to see every time they come over. She risked my kids lives in numerous dangerous situations and when I tried to stop it, she told the kids I was being mean to her. For golly sakes she had them holding onto ropes going up and down hills on roller blades in on coming traffic. She fed and rewarded them with alcohol and undermined every single attempt I made to stop it. When I attempted to stop that out came the accusations that I was mean and didn't want them to have fun. It was illegal. By that point the children had already sided with gramma cause once again gramma had the money and as she says "she who has the money , has the power ". I lost my children to my own ineffectual parenting, trusting my mother who obviously couldn't be trusted, not trusting my gut...I regret so many things. I wish I knew then what I know now and would have moved to Australia and left no forwarding address .
I only hope that one day maybe my children will want to hear my side of the story, but the way things are going right now I doubt that will ever occur. They see me as the crazy one..they have no respect for me. My mother is evil and when confronted will not even look at me or address the issues. she has never apologized for anything EVER. In her mind she is perfect.
PROTECT your kids at all costs. It is so sad what narsistic abuse can do. And it is multi generational...ARG... Keep your children safe and educate them on the various toxic personalities.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hey Stratman, you are the steward of your son's life education until he is able to make decisions and accept consequences for himself alone. This means teaching self respect, respect for others, discipline, boundaries, love, compassion so he can go into the world prepared for whatever lies ahead.
You do not want something (someone) in his life. Why? Can you make a list of qualities, characteristics, behavior to which you would not like your son subjected? Why does your stomach turn when you imagine your son subjected to your family members without your supervision or protection?
Take the gloves off and include personal experience. Fight for this. You are your son's father. Empower yourself to stop the dysfunction. No matter the discomfort, it is your right as well as your privilege.
You do not want something (someone) in his life. Why? Can you make a list of qualities, characteristics, behavior to which you would not like your son subjected? Why does your stomach turn when you imagine your son subjected to your family members without your supervision or protection?
Take the gloves off and include personal experience. Fight for this. You are your son's father. Empower yourself to stop the dysfunction. No matter the discomfort, it is your right as well as your privilege.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by Stratman1 
She has asked me to put that in writing to her, I told her it would take me a few days at least. But guy's, where to begin???
... I'd begin with the general headings, I'd use certain examples (from person experience) to back that up and I'd state that there are more examples if there were.
I think I'd use the letter to enable your solicitor to ask you the right questions. Based on what I've read from you.....
Unhealthy.... Mother introduced you to smoking aged 12, Family mediation (evidence of difficulties),
Abuse... Father abused you and younger brother verbally, mentally, emotionally & physical (examples - consider whether you brother would back up your claims).
Catelog mothers abuse.
THese examples are just those that I can vaguely remember from your posts.
I've not had direct experience of preventing my foo seeing my children. Your current circumstances differ to mine. I'm no expert.... but I think that is how I would approach it if in that situation.
Maybe your solicitor could provide some guidance of the types of things they'd expect to see in such a letter?
All the best with it btw
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Thank you Makomago, great comment too and the same goes for yesterday but I am sitting that particular subject out for now (my head is in a few different places after drinking at the weekend).
The getting me addicted to smoking I was definitely going to mention, that is grossly irresponsible and I have many other examples of the same. Involving me in several fraud and theft activities over the years, forcing me to lie repeatedly and cover for her. Those were when I was a child. I wouldn't do it anymore it once I became a teengager, I would be disgusted with her and unable to hide my distain. The cigarettes I realise now were a form of control and that is what we are talking about. As a child again- beating me, neglecting me, abandoning me- a lot of things happened to me in those instances that I now know she was the only person responsible for. Surely they count for something, they should count for a lot.
The family mediation is one I wouldn't have though of, there is probably a lot to read between the lines there for any sane observer who was willing to look beyond my seething anger at the time even though this was when I was an adult. Thanks for that, indeed at least to me that situation proved a lot that even I had my doubts about (she mentally tortured and was brainwashing me as I was told so it is known). My life story is the reason why she shouldn't have anything to do with mine or any child, so narrowing it down to the specific and most relevant points as you say is the task at hand. Cant say I'm looking forward to or will derive any pleasure from it much like life in general now, but it has got to be done. Hey, thanks again.
The getting me addicted to smoking I was definitely going to mention, that is grossly irresponsible and I have many other examples of the same. Involving me in several fraud and theft activities over the years, forcing me to lie repeatedly and cover for her. Those were when I was a child. I wouldn't do it anymore it once I became a teengager, I would be disgusted with her and unable to hide my distain. The cigarettes I realise now were a form of control and that is what we are talking about. As a child again- beating me, neglecting me, abandoning me- a lot of things happened to me in those instances that I now know she was the only person responsible for. Surely they count for something, they should count for a lot.
The family mediation is one I wouldn't have though of, there is probably a lot to read between the lines there for any sane observer who was willing to look beyond my seething anger at the time even though this was when I was an adult. Thanks for that, indeed at least to me that situation proved a lot that even I had my doubts about (she mentally tortured and was brainwashing me as I was told so it is known). My life story is the reason why she shouldn't have anything to do with mine or any child, so narrowing it down to the specific and most relevant points as you say is the task at hand. Cant say I'm looking forward to or will derive any pleasure from it much like life in general now, but it has got to be done. Hey, thanks again.
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Do you have sole custody? If not you probably will not be able to stop them going if their mother wants to send them there. Also they can file Grandparent rights and drag that out. But it is your job to protect your children so batten down the hatches and go for it.
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I don't have any custody whatsoever Kialua. I hear what you are saying. Even with a court order (which may not be so easily got, although it really should be, and will be stressful for me certainly) his mother could still bring him there, who is going to enforce it. She never had much regard for the access orders. However a court order would at least set a precedent for all. I can't see her ever filing for grandparents rights, my mother is a walking lie. Although, she is brazen and the brother would support her in that. She would only do it if she feels (as she does) that it helps her legal claim that she is preparing for ownership of 'the family home'. Some hotbed it would become after that let me tell you, she is one insidious individual.
About which by the way. My busybody aunty here owns that house. Has ownership, the keys, and has been complaining to me for years about how hard done by she is and how they won't leave and that she wants that house back (angrily). So I have been saying it repeatedly here (I've given up now). C'mon then? What are you waiting for. Lets go and take back that house. Lock it up then, and do whatever you want with it. I just don't want the child going there for obvious reasons. And she won't!!! Her and the father now after years of complaining, now they want to sit idle. And why? It's plain as day to me- Because it's causing pain. That's now their supply. F' these bastards all of them. What am I going to do here Kialua or anyone.
About which by the way. My busybody aunty here owns that house. Has ownership, the keys, and has been complaining to me for years about how hard done by she is and how they won't leave and that she wants that house back (angrily). So I have been saying it repeatedly here (I've given up now). C'mon then? What are you waiting for. Lets go and take back that house. Lock it up then, and do whatever you want with it. I just don't want the child going there for obvious reasons. And she won't!!! Her and the father now after years of complaining, now they want to sit idle. And why? It's plain as day to me- Because it's causing pain. That's now their supply. F' these bastards all of them. What am I going to do here Kialua or anyone.
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If you can't get custody and have a say in the child's life then this is where "the wisdom to know the difference" comes in. Stay as connected as you can without causing any trauma and get your life together as much as you can.
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I can, Kialua. I'm his joint guardian. I have access to him, I got whatever I wanted.
The problem is that I am homeless. I have nowhere stable for us to live basically.
I fought hard to keep a roof over us at the same time as battling PTSD for years.
I could have chosen my wording better above but I am really stressing out here.
The problem is that I am homeless. I have nowhere stable for us to live basically.
I fought hard to keep a roof over us at the same time as battling PTSD for years.
I could have chosen my wording better above but I am really stressing out here.
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Good. Well your child will survive, he is not living full time with your mother. Plus he has you, someone that understands the problem and can intervene when you can.
Even if you are homeless you might be able to start an action to prevent the child from seeing your mother. It wouldn't be easy and it would cost money for a lawyer. Otherwise, letting go and let God is sometimes the only option. I'm sorry you are in this position. Take care of yourself first before you can be of help to others, like they say on the airplane: put your oxygen mask on before helping others or you may not be able to help them.
Even if you are homeless you might be able to start an action to prevent the child from seeing your mother. It wouldn't be easy and it would cost money for a lawyer. Otherwise, letting go and let God is sometimes the only option. I'm sorry you are in this position. Take care of yourself first before you can be of help to others, like they say on the airplane: put your oxygen mask on before helping others or you may not be able to help them.
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Hi Kiulua I only seen this now. You are right, and I do seek solace in the fact. However it is a dangerous scene. My mother is a dangerous creature. She is 100 steps ahead of most everyone is her machinations. Her life is an elaborate scheme and he is right in the middle of that- honestly- he is at the centre of her grandest scheme to date. So any contact is unsafe contact, believe me on that.
Guys I mailed my solicitor today. She understands what I am talking about but has asked me to put it into words (the struggle). So as Makomago suggested earlier I have asked her for some guidelines, however my pre-amble wasn't entirely a short one. His own mother is not so concerned with his emotional welfare (is there anything else?) I'm not sure wether I should copy it to here or not...
Guys I mailed my solicitor today. She understands what I am talking about but has asked me to put it into words (the struggle). So as Makomago suggested earlier I have asked her for some guidelines, however my pre-amble wasn't entirely a short one. His own mother is not so concerned with his emotional welfare (is there anything else?) I'm not sure wether I should copy it to here or not...
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Ugh, feel a bit sick now...
Eh, hi guys. Back to this now.
As I mentioned I was talking about this to my solicitor and I emailed her.
Ive been kinda taking a break from this. Um, she wrote back back anyway.
She said I will have to document all the examples of abuse and neglect and why you think the home was abusive because it is not obvious to anyone else (pffft)
And that the first thing I could do is write a letter to his mother explaining all this stuff (Ugh, man, ffs) So my head and stomach are doing a loop d loop here.
Which sounds like setting myself up for a world of hurt. This is all really for difficult for me. It's worrying and upsetting
She will not co-operate with me it's obvious. If she can't control me she wants to cause me pain.
Hard to explain right now :/ Does anyone understand me at all?
As I mentioned I was talking about this to my solicitor and I emailed her.
Ive been kinda taking a break from this. Um, she wrote back back anyway.
She said I will have to document all the examples of abuse and neglect and why you think the home was abusive because it is not obvious to anyone else (pffft)
And that the first thing I could do is write a letter to his mother explaining all this stuff (Ugh, man, ffs) So my head and stomach are doing a loop d loop here.
Which sounds like setting myself up for a world of hurt. This is all really for difficult for me. It's worrying and upsetting
She will not co-operate with me it's obvious. If she can't control me she wants to cause me pain.
Hard to explain right now :/ Does anyone understand me at all?
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Originally Posted by Verte
Hey Stratman, you are the steward of your son's life education until he is able to make decisions and accept consequences for himself alone. This means teaching self respect, respect for others, discipline, boundaries, love, compassion so he can go into the world prepared for whatever lies ahead.
You do not want something (someone) in his life. Why? Can you make a list of qualities, characteristics, behavior to which you would not like your son subjected? Why does your stomach turn when you imagine your son subjected to your family members without your supervision or protection?
Take the gloves off and include personal experience. Fight for this. You are your son's father. Empower yourself to stop the dysfunction. No matter the discomfort, it is your right as well as your privilege.
You do not want something (someone) in his life. Why? Can you make a list of qualities, characteristics, behavior to which you would not like your son subjected? Why does your stomach turn when you imagine your son subjected to your family members without your supervision or protection?
Take the gloves off and include personal experience. Fight for this. You are your son's father. Empower yourself to stop the dysfunction. No matter the discomfort, it is your right as well as your privilege.
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