Ohme

A few weeks ago I came down into child's pose in yoga and had the strangest emotional release - suddenly I felt like my body was begging for me to stop drinking. It was really emotional - and I was teaching the class.
I am 32 and I am the big fat party girl. I am a people pleaser, and when I'm not too busy people pleasing, I am hating them instead. I am an idiot and when I drink, I say the dumbest **** imaginable. I am a failure, I give up on everything I ever start, and when I really start to think about what I must look like to other people, I am disgusted.
Because of that moment in yoga I decided I needed to give myself a moderate drinking plan to try to get my life in order. It went as well as you would imagine. I told myself that if I failed at my moderation plan I would have to give it up altogether, so here we are.
I am giving myself a thirty day absolutely not a drop plan. If I can do it, it will be the first time I have gone more than one week without it since I was 16. I am terrified. What about patio beers and wine and cooking and what about my friends. I had a friend turn town plans with me when I was moderating, I will probably lose her completely if I stop.
I don't drink every day, but I drink almost every day. I can stop after one, but I never want to. I don't even know if at this moment I identify as an alcoholic but I feel like there is a girl that I want to get to know who is sweet and kind who never got to exist. The thought of just drinking tea at night is exciting and exotic but also really scary.
I am here because I just want to talk to someone who understands this ********. I just want to hear from people who have been here too.
Can you tell me that it feels good to drink tea and night and turn down wine at weddings and never get that cold beer on a hot day? Because right now I live for these things, until its over and I hate myself.
Any words at all right now would help.
xo

Saskia

Welcome, Ohme! I think you already wrote the answer to your question when you said "until it's over and I hate myself". That buzz we all get from alcohol isn't because it's so wonderful. It comes from the opioid receptors in our brains "lighting up" at the idea of alcohol (or narcotic drugs). There is a whole other world ready for you to discover if you put in the time and effort to become and stay sober.

There's lots of good support here. You might want to check out the July 2015 thread in Newcomers.

Elodie

Hi Ohme! I can tell you I love drinking tea now.

2ndhandrose

"A few weeks ago I came down into child's pose in yoga and had the strangest emotional release - suddenly I felt like my body was begging for me to stop drinking. It was really emotional - and I was teaching the class."

Welcome Ohme!!!

Someday, what you said right here, is going to be a very powerful story about your journey to sobriety. This gave me a chill to read it.

There is so much life waiting for you!!! A tall iced lemonade on hot afternoon, a nice cup of herb tea to sip in the evening; those things are the tip of the iceberg...you are going to have more choices than you could ever imagine on the other side of drinking!

Stick around here read, post, and learn. You will always find support here!

I guarantee it will be worth it!

sva777

Sounds like your ready to quit and you have answering your question if your an alcoholic at the same time. I hope you do your 30 days and stay here with us and don't diseapear it really is a life long battle.

Dee74

Welcome Ohmy

I defined myself by my drinking for decades.
I could never quite envisage a life without booze.

then a nearly died and all those what ifs and obstacles melted away for me.

It's been over 8 years now.
I LOVE being sober - I love my life and I love the me I rediscovered.

it really is possible to live without alcohol - and more than that, it's possible to love living that way, too

D

CeeFarro

Welcome! I know how you feel..completely. I told myself I was going to only stop for a few weeks and here I am at 78 days sober. I realized that I have no interest in drinking normally. I wanted to get wasted with no consequences which I've proven time and time again is never going to happen. The truth is you are not missing out on anything by being sober. Hangovers, anxiety, shame, DUIs..I don't have to worry about these things anymore. And although I was terrified at first too, I'm not anymore. Stick around here..you are in the right place

Meraviglioso

Hi Ohme and welcome to the board. This is a great place of support.
I completely and totally understand you and all the things you will miss. That is what I struggled with/still struggle with the most. I love cooking with a glass of wine, I love a cold beer after mowing the grass, I love a cold glass of white as I watch the sun go down over the sea…. But I learned from the nice people here that I was "romanticizing the drink"
I got to my longest period of sobriety last year- 47 days. I can tell you that it was tough, but worth it and really after just a short time I found alternatives. I still struggled with giving up my lover, it was a painful breakup for sure. In fact, I turned back to my love alcohol and am back fighting the fight again. But like a toxic lover, the best thing you can do for yourself is a clean break.
Some things that might help you are "playing the tape until the end" It is lovely and exciting to think of that delicious patio beer with friends. But play it through to the end when you are saying dumb **** and making a fool of yourself and waking up with a hangover and terrible gastro issues and are a person you don't like or respect.
I would also suggest reading the book "Drinking: A love Story" by Caroline Knapp. She too romanticized the drink and struggled with alcoholism. It is am amazing and eye opening book, particularly for women.

I'll end with a warning. It sounds like you have your life under control right now, that you are still functioning even with your questions and hangovers and emotional and intellectual issues related to alcohol. I read something so insightful the other day by another member here, I wish I remembered who to give them credit, there are not types of alcoholism, there are stages. It can only get worse. I didn't understand this or believe this myself. But I was exactly like you at 32. Now, just 4 short years later at 36 I can definitely say it is true. I was so high functioning, thankfully I still am functioning, but the slip happens so gradually you don't even really notice. Then one day you find yourself and your life sailing downhill so fast it makes your head spin. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Fortunately I snapped myself out of it and broke out of the fall but I am teetering on the edge and playing with fire if I drink. It is scary to be here.
I don't want to be negative or scare you. But I hope you will take this seriously and really evaluate where you are. I wish I had done more for myself years ago when I knew I had a problem but just brushed it aside.

We are all here if you need us. Take care of yourself.

Ohme

You guys sure know how to make a girl cry first thing in the morning Thank you so much for all of this support.
I am having day 1 today, which will be the easiest day since I normally never drink on Mondays because I drink heavily Fri-Sun.
Tomorrow will be tougher but I will keep on posting here, never before have spoken honestly to anyone about this besides my husband.
I am so looking forward to what the next 30 days will bring, but I am mostly looking for perspective about this whole mess.
Mera, you are right about the functioning part, and it has gotten a little worse lately. Nothing huge, but it's noticeable.
Talk soon everyone,
xo

Soberwolf

Welcome Ohme

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Ohme!!

thomas11

Hi Ohme, if my math is correct, you have been in this cycle for 16 years or roughly half your life. As hard as it may benefit you to try something different for the next 16 years of your life. Easier said than done, but can be accomplished. As the seasoned veterans here will tell you, it takes determination but also a life change that is worth the effort. I wish you the very best.

YT2015

I totally understand what you mean. I hate who I am when I drink, many times I've thought the same thing 'they must think i'm awful' I also understand knowing there is a person in you that's better.
This is a great decision it out come will be worth it 100%

huntingtontx

Hi Ohme, and welcome to SR. I do know what you mean about the drinks on the patio, wine with dinner and all that other cool stuff. But then there is drunk on the patio saying stupid things, wine with dinner talking to much and acting stupid. You get the idea. I am two years sober and I love water. I never drink to much water. I can drink water and drive. I know what I am saying and what I am doing. Yes, water is the drink for me. I wish you well on your journey, and I know you won't be sorry for not drinking. I have never felt bad for not drinking and my friends and family are fine with it. They still drink, but that is them. I don't. That is me. We are all here for you. Again, welcome aboard.

Zufrieden

Ohme,
I completely understand the "loss" you are facing when you quit drinking. I was scared to death of losing out when that day occurred. This thinking held me back for 17 years. During that time I watched my kids grow up, my health decline, my marriage stumble along pretty well although not what the youthful me would have envisioned etc.... Despite the lackluster emotional life that I was leading, despite watching others my age walking, running, engaging in enterprises that required being sober at all times, despite the growing shame I felt.... I pressed on with my good friend alcohol. What a ^#$#^ friend she was.
If you have the feeling that it seems you have... you will only gain, grow and flourish without alcohol. I am only one month, Wednesday, sober, but I sit in astonishment at how "little" alcohol made my life. How many times did I avoid various things because they interrupted my drinking time? I'm talking school meetings about the kids (I had fictictious work meetings...), family gatherings, family trips, impromptu stuff that caught me unaware etc... I was lucky/unlucky to have a business and it's obligations to blame things on and I managed to escape most of the repercussions from others but.... I was not myself, I was not living how I had envisioned as a younger person, and life was crap. I was a good actor but you cannot fool yourself.
It got worse by the way. I never drank more than a drink or two a week until I turned 30. It seemed minor, then problematic, and then major. It stayed major for quite a few years.
I would strongly encourage you to listen to your body and the way you felt at yoga this week. Your body is likely begging you to listen.
This situation will almost certainly not get better. I lied to myself for years, used the French and Italians as examples of drinking cultures, called upon famous writers and artists as examples (most died young) and on and on. My drinking was indefensible ultimately. Yours might be as well.
Many of us are older than you and would do so much to avoid what we went through at an earlier age.
Just my thoughts.
I wish you the best!
d

wehav2day

I used to live for a nice craft beer or a big red Zinfandel. The funny thing is, I just now had to look up how the heck you spell Zinfandel. It's just not in my vocabulary anymore. I have much more fun now, I'm a better wife, a better auntie, better sister, better in my career, I bet my dog would even tell you I'm better now.

And I can look myself in the eye every day with no shame or regret. That's priceless.

Tea is exotic and exciting. So is elderflower bubbly. Know what's really awesome to suck down after a hard day at work? Trader joes fizzy water. The orange one is delish!