bailey17

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've posted. I was involved in a very close relationship with an A and this site helped me gain back my sanity, as well as alanon and Coda meetings. I can't say enough good things about those resources.

To make a long story short, a man moved in upstairs from me and we quickly developed a close relationship and he disclosed to me that he is an alcoholic but is active in his addiction. He is court ordered to attend AA meetings due to a pending domestic violence charge. I have been seeing him very casually for about 3 months now. I feel like my strengths are being tested. Thankfully, I am very strong with boundary setting and have a much better understanding of the disease of addiction which I had zero insight into when I first found these forums. He does NOT attend any meetings and has no interest in getting clean, which he has been clear to me about.

I guess my question is, I need suggestions from those who have gone through this. I know I need to distance myself from this man but I am having a hard time. I take care of myself, still go to therapy, exercise, eat well, etc.. but it is very challenging since he lives upstairs and I have observed that I tend to cave and allow him to come have dinner with me or spend time watching a movie together when he is intoxicated. I have had to ask him to leave my apartment several times when he becomes overly inebriated, it makes me very uncomfortable.

I am open to any and all suggestions that can be offered. I want to pull away before we become closer but I have to admit that my coda tendencies are coming out. Any words of wisdom right now would help.

Thank you.

ladyscribbler

He is court ordered to attend AA meetings due to a pending domestic violence charge.
He does NOT attend any meetings and has no interest in getting clean, which he has been clear to me about.

Why is this not an automatic dealbreaker for you?

I have observed that I tend to cave and allow him to come have dinner with me or spend time watching a movie together when he is intoxicated.

This makes it sound really passive, like it's not a decision you're making to allow this, but something that's just kind of happening somehow.

Thankfully, I am very strong with boundary setting.

I have to respectfully disagree.

My suggestion, shut this down completely and immediately. Tell him you won't spend any more time with him and then stick to it. And then do some serious introspection about why these blatantly unhealthy relationships are so attractive to you.

bailey17

thank you. this is the tough love I need from this forum. Keep it coming. please

Once I thought I was strong and safe from these situations it crept up on me again. Which is why I'm reaching out before it becomes worse like it did last time. So like I said, I need help and suggestions. Thank you

LexieCat

"No" is a complete sentence. No, you cannot come over for dinner. No, you cannot come over and watch a movie. No, I do not want to hang out with you. No, I do not want to listen to your problems.

I wouldn't even try to explain it to him. If you feel you have to say anything, just say that the situation is uncomfortable for you and you'd appreciate it if he stopped coming over.

CarmenLove

Hey Bailey,

I think you know what you need to do.

He has TOLD you that he is an active alcoholic, and that he will most likely be violent with you if you get close.

Believe him.

So the only question is, is this what you want for yourself?

If it's not, you will find the words and the strength.

redatlanta

Here is an excerpt from your first post here at SR regarding your then XABF

I can't even believe what I had dealt with for the past three years. The fights, the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse was endless. Every vacation ended as a nightmare, I was constantly taking care of him. He threw me into a night stand once, he constantly called me names when he was drinking, and I just put up with it because I loved him.

I suggest you go back and read all your posts. If you have so much insight to alcoholism, and are good at boundary setting, why in the WORLD would you invite this hot mess into your life having been through it before?

This is the question you need to ask yourself. There is something about you that is attracted to broken people - most of us on the sober side are. I strongly recommend getting back to Al Anon and working the steps. I would also recommend you cut ties with this person completely. Trying to control and manage this relationship is not going to work. Dude is an active alcoholic that is putting on his AA shoes to get a lesser charge when he goes to Court forDV. No thanks!

Lilro

Hot Mess... Agreed! Get running girl........

theuncertainty

(emphasis added)
Even without the addiction issue thrown in, the bolded section should be a HUGE concern. Especially the pending part, because that means it's fairly recent; as in: not much time has passed to allow him to have attended counseling or an abusers program for any length of time that would allow him to start making changes in how he approaches relationships and partners.

While domestic violence may co-occur with alcohol or drug use, it's not caused by it. AA will address only his addiction; it will not address the underlying thought processes or patterns he follows in relationships. And, he's already showing that he's not going to respect your boundaries:

Without him addressing the issues that landed him a DV charge, his disregard for your boundaries will continue to escalate.

I don't know. For me, because of what I went through with AXH, I'd be ordering copies of the court documents to get an idea of what is said to have occurred. Then I'd think long and hard about if I wanted to be on the receiving end of the actions described. I'd use that information to strengthen my resolve to end the relationship.

Abuse is not how the abuser relates to only *that* partner. It's how he approaches all relationships; it's a pattern of how he exerts control over his partner. The abuser will not magically 'get better' because of a new partner. A new partner simply re-sets his process back to learning the best ways to exert control over *this* partner.