What astounding powers of observation!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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What astounding powers of observation!
XAH (currently living in upper unit of my house) made plans to have supper tonight w/me. Bought stuff at the farmer's market, all is fine this AM. I had a massage appointment later on and as I drove home, I thought "you know, I bet he'll be drunk and this supper thing will never happen."
I parked the car and as I got out, I heard the music he always plays when he's drinking blaring from upstairs. Yup, plans will be out the window. After a while he comes downstairs, says "do you really feel like messing w/the salads? Let's just go for pizza." I asked if he'd been drinking, and he admitted to "a few nips." I said no thanks, he should make his own plans.
He then sits down and says "I don't like this. It's like a house divided." I said yup, it sure is. He says "I feel like I'm losing you."
W. T. F.
Is he aware I divorced him 2-1/2 weeks ago?
He then went on to say if conditions were right, i.e., if I promised to take him back and have things be "like they were", maybe he could get sober. Nope, sober first and then we see.
Then he says he wants to fix things upstairs (plumbing, drywall, etc.) so that I can rent it if I want, b/c it's just not working for him to live there under these circumstances. I tell him that he is not qualified to do the work that needs to be done, plus it would take years, especially since he believes he will need more shoulder surgery and thus will be laid up again. He says he wants to "make it up to me." I tell him that amends are a later step and he still hasn't taken the first one.
Then he decides he wants Chinese, so he says good night and leaves in his truck to get Chinese takeout. I struggled w/calling the cops but in the end did not. He is home again now and so I guess I lucked out that time, but how often do I want to play this game of "do I call or do I not"?
I hoped we could somehow coexist here for the sake of a lower cost of living and for the dogs getting let out. Pretty clear that is not going to happen...
I'm exhausted from turning my work/sleep schedule almost 180 degrees this past week and I'm nauseous from this encounter. Guess I should focus on what needs doing around the house for now and then hit that 7 PM meeting in Waukesha....
Repeat after me: The hardware store does not have bread. They never did and never will.
I parked the car and as I got out, I heard the music he always plays when he's drinking blaring from upstairs. Yup, plans will be out the window. After a while he comes downstairs, says "do you really feel like messing w/the salads? Let's just go for pizza." I asked if he'd been drinking, and he admitted to "a few nips." I said no thanks, he should make his own plans.
He then sits down and says "I don't like this. It's like a house divided." I said yup, it sure is. He says "I feel like I'm losing you."
W. T. F.
Is he aware I divorced him 2-1/2 weeks ago?
He then went on to say if conditions were right, i.e., if I promised to take him back and have things be "like they were", maybe he could get sober. Nope, sober first and then we see.
Then he says he wants to fix things upstairs (plumbing, drywall, etc.) so that I can rent it if I want, b/c it's just not working for him to live there under these circumstances. I tell him that he is not qualified to do the work that needs to be done, plus it would take years, especially since he believes he will need more shoulder surgery and thus will be laid up again. He says he wants to "make it up to me." I tell him that amends are a later step and he still hasn't taken the first one.
Then he decides he wants Chinese, so he says good night and leaves in his truck to get Chinese takeout. I struggled w/calling the cops but in the end did not. He is home again now and so I guess I lucked out that time, but how often do I want to play this game of "do I call or do I not"?
I hoped we could somehow coexist here for the sake of a lower cost of living and for the dogs getting let out. Pretty clear that is not going to happen...
I'm exhausted from turning my work/sleep schedule almost 180 degrees this past week and I'm nauseous from this encounter. Guess I should focus on what needs doing around the house for now and then hit that 7 PM meeting in Waukesha....
Repeat after me: The hardware store does not have bread. They never did and never will.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sorry, hp. I don't see any way in hell this is going to work. I coexisted with my (sober) first husband for several months after I said I was leaving--for practical reasons involving childcare--but when you are already DIVORCED I think it's time to kick the duck out of the nest.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Yup, Lex, I agree. I had to give it a try. I hoped it might buy some time. And I could probably put up w/it for quite a long time, especially since I don't have any contact during the week due to different work schedules. But what, ultimately, is the point?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Well, the good news is, you can set up shop as a psychic, because you called that perfectly. Or maybe the patterns are so predictable that after awhile we just "know" what is going to happen.
Also, I know this is sad and not funny, but lmao at "I feel like I'm losing you."
Apparently divorce means something else in his reality. Can't get much more "lost" than that. But you know, maybe everything will change if you take him back. I'm sure this time will be different than the other million chances he had during your years of marriage.*eyeroll*
Enjoy your meeting and get some rest. If you are psychic, PM me some winning lotto numbers when you get the chance. Then stop at the hardware store and get the name of a good contractor to do your upstairs renovations.
(((honeypig)))
Also, I know this is sad and not funny, but lmao at "I feel like I'm losing you."
Apparently divorce means something else in his reality. Can't get much more "lost" than that. But you know, maybe everything will change if you take him back. I'm sure this time will be different than the other million chances he had during your years of marriage.*eyeroll*
Enjoy your meeting and get some rest. If you are psychic, PM me some winning lotto numbers when you get the chance. Then stop at the hardware store and get the name of a good contractor to do your upstairs renovations.
(((honeypig)))
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"I'm losing you" is indeed sad/funny at the same time. He is not loud, not obnoxious, not generally mean--he sounds resigned, is what it is. Like he just has no choice, this is what he has to do.
And damn it, if I could look around this house w/o seeing things he or we have done over the years--the bathroom renovation that we started right after we got together, the pine floor in the living room that we laid, the coats of paint and blinds hung and rugs scavenged from trash day and reused until they got too beat, all the car repairs and the day he and my brother poured the floor for the garage and the shims under the furniture b/c the floor is so un-level and the grave he made for Sam the old basset w/lannon stone over it.
I think all I can do is pray--for him and for me--right? and cry some more, as if there haven't been tears enough already.
And damn it, if I could look around this house w/o seeing things he or we have done over the years--the bathroom renovation that we started right after we got together, the pine floor in the living room that we laid, the coats of paint and blinds hung and rugs scavenged from trash day and reused until they got too beat, all the car repairs and the day he and my brother poured the floor for the garage and the shims under the furniture b/c the floor is so un-level and the grave he made for Sam the old basset w/lannon stone over it.
I think all I can do is pray--for him and for me--right? and cry some more, as if there haven't been tears enough already.
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The house is mine; he did not fight that, and that is one of the numerous things I am thankful to him for and one of the reasons I continue to try to work things out on at least a level of sharing bills. He could have done so much to make things difficult in the divorce, and he did not. He agreed to everything and we did a pro se divorce, which saved so much time and money. He certainly could have demanded half the house and there is no way in hell I could have bought him out. He has fixed things, sometimes with truly amazing amounts of patience and perseverance, and built things, and been an incredibly good man in so many other ways.
But he lied (and continues to) and took $ from our savings (and continued until I separated our accounts) and drinks. And I am always going "is this good enough to live with?" And I'm always thinking, well, maybe, except the lying. And I don't think an A can be an A w/o lying, so that is not going to change.
But he lied (and continues to) and took $ from our savings (and continued until I separated our accounts) and drinks. And I am always going "is this good enough to live with?" And I'm always thinking, well, maybe, except the lying. And I don't think an A can be an A w/o lying, so that is not going to change.
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Sweetie I thought I was the one who was well until my recovered alcoholic left me for a month. She probably saved my life.
I can ******** so well I can convince myself. A few years ago I took and passed a polygraph perfectly while lying through my teeth and did not even have the self- awareness to see how despicable that was.
I'm miles from that guy but still need a lot of work. Rock bottom is not an optional step, you can't hit it squarely enough to knock the pride out if people put out a pillow. Let him hit it. DOn't get pulled into his ******** until you see real change and then no promises. Drying out is only the first part of recovery. it took my wife a year to make it her mission in life. It took me 4 years to understand that I was sicker than my beloved alcoholic and it didn't happen for me tiul she left me because I was depressed to the point of hopelessness.
She hasn't moved back yet and I'm OK with that, at least now I know she will so long as I keep with my program but for the first couple weeks she heard promises that came from panic and hurt and fear not from change.
Hang in there.
PS> Someone divorcing you is generally accepted as a sign that there is a problem ;-)
I can ******** so well I can convince myself. A few years ago I took and passed a polygraph perfectly while lying through my teeth and did not even have the self- awareness to see how despicable that was.
I'm miles from that guy but still need a lot of work. Rock bottom is not an optional step, you can't hit it squarely enough to knock the pride out if people put out a pillow. Let him hit it. DOn't get pulled into his ******** until you see real change and then no promises. Drying out is only the first part of recovery. it took my wife a year to make it her mission in life. It took me 4 years to understand that I was sicker than my beloved alcoholic and it didn't happen for me tiul she left me because I was depressed to the point of hopelessness.
She hasn't moved back yet and I'm OK with that, at least now I know she will so long as I keep with my program but for the first couple weeks she heard promises that came from panic and hurt and fear not from change.
Hang in there.
PS> Someone divorcing you is generally accepted as a sign that there is a problem ;-)
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I think if you do have any fond feelings for him now (and I still had them for both of my exes), it is very possible to push this to the point where those fond feelings are gone forever. I think continuing on this way is likely to poison any nice memories you do have. Sometimes the least painful solution in the long run is to just make the break complete--I think YOUR healing will progress a lot faster without having him stumbling around your house at will.
And who knows, maybe with only himself for company he'll start to see what a shambles his life has become and do something about it. No guarantees, obviously, but it's been known to happen.
And who knows, maybe with only himself for company he'll start to see what a shambles his life has become and do something about it. No guarantees, obviously, but it's been known to happen.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
And who knows, maybe with only himself for company he'll start to see what a shambles his life has become and do something about it. No guarantees, obviously, but it's been known to happen.
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Oh HP...I am so very sorry. It's amazing how even now, after so much recovery under our belts, we can STILL get our hopes up for things. Even if it's just hope that we can have a civilized dinner with the A in our life. That said, I can totally understand why "I feel like I'm losing you" about sent you into the stratosphere...
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My XAH and I also I tried living together after we separated.. He had moved out, but then moved back in order to save money. For the most part it was fine. It lasted for about 8 months or so. He wasn't drinking, but he wasn't in any recovery program either. Eventually the inevitable happened. He came home smashed, I had him removed from the house, and that was that.
I think, in hindsight, having him there kept me in a holding pattern. We didn't fight, or not get along, so we could have stretched that out for years. Neither married nor divorced. Stagnant. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't really healthy either.
Anyway, Thinking of you HoneyPig.
I think, in hindsight, having him there kept me in a holding pattern. We didn't fight, or not get along, so we could have stretched that out for years. Neither married nor divorced. Stagnant. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't really healthy either.
Anyway, Thinking of you HoneyPig.
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Thanks for the story, SK--it makes me feel not quite so crazy for having made this effort. I have NO interest in starting another romantic relationship anytime in the near future, so I felt it made sense to share the bills w/XAH for at least a while yet, plus the issues w/getting the dogs out while I'm at work. A "holding pattern" would have been OK w/me.
I don't think he's "holding", though--I think he's sliding further down, and that should be no shock to me.
I don't think he's "holding", though--I think he's sliding further down, and that should be no shock to me.
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XAH (currently living in upper unit of my house) made plans to have supper tonight w/me ... I thought "you know, I bet he'll be drunk and this supper thing will never happen."
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