I didn't handle this well... told AH I want out
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I didn't handle this well... told AH I want out
We had a ridiculous argument and I did not handle it well... I'll try to keep it short and spare you the ridiculous details.
I was planning to go to yoga today at 12:10, but at 11:55 a co-worker tells me we’re having a meeting to discuss Union stuff… should only take five minutes. It took longer than that, I didn’t go to yoga, and at 12:15 I called AH and told him I wasn’t going to yoga, did he want to take his lunch break and go run errands with me?
I knew how this conversation would go before I called…. “Wait… you had a meeting about work stuff on lunch? Why? Who all was there? I saw people from your office driving away, so not everybody was there. Who was really there? What were you really doing? You know I wasn’t planning to go to lunch with you so I started a project. Why didn’t you call me before so I could plan? You obviously didn’t want to go to lunch with me or you would have.” I told him I was very busy just before lunch (true, but honestly didn’t consider calling him beforehand), didn’t have time to call him. “Fine,” he says, “go do what you want,” And hangs up.
He calls back two minutes later. “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have just called me to let me know beforehand,” he says, “because that’s what I would have done.”
This time I tell him that I was still planning to go to yoga, because I thought the meeting was only going to take five minutes (this was partially true, I had considered it, but I figured the meeting would go longer so wasn’t really counting on it)
Then he gets really angry, and tells me my stories don’t match up and he just wants to be able to ask me a question and get the full story the first time, is that too much to ask, blah blah, blah.
I told him I’m done with this conversation, I have to go buy diapers. He then calls me repeatedly while I’m in the store. I text him “I’m in the store” and he texts back “sure you are.”
I call him when I get to the car, and started yelling… I’m not typically a yeller. .. I told him I want out of this marriage. I’m so sick of walking on eggshells, always worrying that I’m going to say one wrong thing and **** him off. This conversation about lunchtime yoga, in a normal relationship, would have been so simple, but with us it turns into a ridiculous argument, and I’m sick of it. I don’t feel secure in this relationship. I don’t feel good in this relationship. Every time I think things are improving between us I get slapped in the face.
He says, calmly,… typically he’s the yeller… that it didn’t have to end up this way, if I would have just kept my story straight… He has changed so many things for me and our family… And he has to go because the electrician is here. Click.
Now I want to text him the local For Rent listings. I want to mean it. I do mean it. I’m sick of this. I want to leave work and go get the boys and go somewhere else besides home for the weekend.
But what will probably happen is that I’ll just go pick him up at 5 like I always do and we’ll go get the boys and things will be fine tomorrow… until the next time. And round and round we go.
AHHHH! Needed to vent. Thank you
I was planning to go to yoga today at 12:10, but at 11:55 a co-worker tells me we’re having a meeting to discuss Union stuff… should only take five minutes. It took longer than that, I didn’t go to yoga, and at 12:15 I called AH and told him I wasn’t going to yoga, did he want to take his lunch break and go run errands with me?
I knew how this conversation would go before I called…. “Wait… you had a meeting about work stuff on lunch? Why? Who all was there? I saw people from your office driving away, so not everybody was there. Who was really there? What were you really doing? You know I wasn’t planning to go to lunch with you so I started a project. Why didn’t you call me before so I could plan? You obviously didn’t want to go to lunch with me or you would have.” I told him I was very busy just before lunch (true, but honestly didn’t consider calling him beforehand), didn’t have time to call him. “Fine,” he says, “go do what you want,” And hangs up.
He calls back two minutes later. “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have just called me to let me know beforehand,” he says, “because that’s what I would have done.”
This time I tell him that I was still planning to go to yoga, because I thought the meeting was only going to take five minutes (this was partially true, I had considered it, but I figured the meeting would go longer so wasn’t really counting on it)
Then he gets really angry, and tells me my stories don’t match up and he just wants to be able to ask me a question and get the full story the first time, is that too much to ask, blah blah, blah.
I told him I’m done with this conversation, I have to go buy diapers. He then calls me repeatedly while I’m in the store. I text him “I’m in the store” and he texts back “sure you are.”
I call him when I get to the car, and started yelling… I’m not typically a yeller. .. I told him I want out of this marriage. I’m so sick of walking on eggshells, always worrying that I’m going to say one wrong thing and **** him off. This conversation about lunchtime yoga, in a normal relationship, would have been so simple, but with us it turns into a ridiculous argument, and I’m sick of it. I don’t feel secure in this relationship. I don’t feel good in this relationship. Every time I think things are improving between us I get slapped in the face.
He says, calmly,… typically he’s the yeller… that it didn’t have to end up this way, if I would have just kept my story straight… He has changed so many things for me and our family… And he has to go because the electrician is here. Click.
Now I want to text him the local For Rent listings. I want to mean it. I do mean it. I’m sick of this. I want to leave work and go get the boys and go somewhere else besides home for the weekend.
But what will probably happen is that I’ll just go pick him up at 5 like I always do and we’ll go get the boys and things will be fine tomorrow… until the next time. And round and round we go.
AHHHH! Needed to vent. Thank you
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
Now I want to text him the local For Rent listings. I want to mean it. I do mean it. I’m sick of this. I want to leave work and go get the boys and go somewhere else besides home for the weekend.
If it is know that you always have a choice, and you can make a different one at any time.
Sending you hugs.
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove
Is that true?
If it is know that you always have a choice, and you can make a different one at any time.
Sending you hugs.
If it is know that you always have a choice, and you can make a different one at any time.
Sending you hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Kboys
This is the first time though, in a long time, that I have told him I want out of the marriage. I go back and forth in my head a lot, but not with my words
The same thing applies to us as to the alcoholic. Actions matter, not words. Take action when you feel ready and in the meantime find a safe place to vent (not your husband).
What do you feel is keeping you stuck?
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kboys......it is hard to read your post....because it describes him emotionally bludgeoning you......and, it has the same pattern as the cycle of abuse...
I want to remind you that you do have choices and you don't have to live like this.
There is help available.....
dandylion
I want to remind you that you do have choices and you don't have to live like this.
There is help available.....
dandylion
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"What do you feel is keeping you stuck?"
The hope I still have, when things are good, which there truly has been more of lately... and our children, and just the overwhelmed feeling I get when I think of divorce and custody and all that goes along with it.... mostly.
The hope I still have, when things are good, which there truly has been more of lately... and our children, and just the overwhelmed feeling I get when I think of divorce and custody and all that goes along with it.... mostly.
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Location: Chicago
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Kboys, I feel ya. Through and through. The crazymaking will make you feel C R A Z Y sometimes. And sometimes it feels like you've been hit with a smack you didn't even see coming. I'm glad you're angry - you have every right to be - and IMO it's a much healthier and more self-aware reaction then asking where you went wrong in this scenario!
I can understand wanting to leave, needing to leave, fantasizing about leaving - and not doing it. I can also understand the frustration at ourselves, not for the A's drama but for our own resistance to taking definitive action. Don't be hard on yourself for that. And FWIW, actions taken in these moments are often rash and ill-fated, and can make hard situations harder.
You will know when you are ready, and it won't be while you're in a rage. You're too smart for that. What you CAN do is start thinking about a real plan, if you don't already have one. At a minimum, that step is empowering..
I can understand wanting to leave, needing to leave, fantasizing about leaving - and not doing it. I can also understand the frustration at ourselves, not for the A's drama but for our own resistance to taking definitive action. Don't be hard on yourself for that. And FWIW, actions taken in these moments are often rash and ill-fated, and can make hard situations harder.
You will know when you are ready, and it won't be while you're in a rage. You're too smart for that. What you CAN do is start thinking about a real plan, if you don't already have one. At a minimum, that step is empowering..
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a conversation like that would have me stabbing forks in my eyeballs. how often you endure that kind of crap? it makes no sense, the attacking, the accusations, the twenty questions.....and over what?
so you do all that venting and then what, come about 5 put on your happy face and go get him and keep pretending? this stuff is KILLING your soul..........you keep wanting to believe you guys are on track to have a "normal" kind of marriage and he keeps showing you just how impossible that is............
so you do all that venting and then what, come about 5 put on your happy face and go get him and keep pretending? this stuff is KILLING your soul..........you keep wanting to believe you guys are on track to have a "normal" kind of marriage and he keeps showing you just how impossible that is............
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I was the calm one
I was true, faithful, and steady
I took lots of BS
I loved him
I made lists
I made plans
I forgave
I had some good times
I took more BS
I made more lists
I said it's not that bad
I relaxed and tried harder
I imagined leaving
I stayed
And I stayed
And I stayed
I found myself yelling one day...
Who was that woman?
My brain imagined a hundred scenarios where I'd leave
But I didn't
I always said infidelity would be a deal-breaker
Then somehow it wasn't...
I get it. I truly do. My heart hurts for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I see in you a very strong woman. I know this. Sometimes people think those who stay aren't strong...but sometimes staying takes the strength of giants while you figure yourself out. So know that you can move mountains if you want to. And know that you don't have to move them until you're ready.
My boys were 1 and 3 when I should have had enough and left. I "couldn't", and I still believed in something (not sure what- vows, promises, XAH, intact home, etc.). They were 11 and 13 when I finally did. I can't ever get that decade back for my boys. The things they learned and the dysfunction they saw...that hurts my heart more than anything. AND, the damage to me was tenfold at that point. I was afraid it might be irreparable. (It wasn't, woo hoo!)
I am praying for you. If you mean the words you said in this post, don't smother them. Listen and think and be true to yourself. Let them evolve.
But don't say anything to him that's an idle threat. When I finally said I was leaving IF X DIDN'T HAPPEN, and he didn't follow through... my plan was in motion. By that time I promised myself to never look back regardless of what he did. Anything less devalues your position and hurts you...and gets you to settle for crumbs.
((((((((Kboys)))))))
I was true, faithful, and steady
I took lots of BS
I loved him
I made lists
I made plans
I forgave
I had some good times
I took more BS
I made more lists
I said it's not that bad
I relaxed and tried harder
I imagined leaving
I stayed
And I stayed
And I stayed
I found myself yelling one day...
Who was that woman?
My brain imagined a hundred scenarios where I'd leave
But I didn't
I always said infidelity would be a deal-breaker
Then somehow it wasn't...
I get it. I truly do. My heart hurts for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I see in you a very strong woman. I know this. Sometimes people think those who stay aren't strong...but sometimes staying takes the strength of giants while you figure yourself out. So know that you can move mountains if you want to. And know that you don't have to move them until you're ready.
My boys were 1 and 3 when I should have had enough and left. I "couldn't", and I still believed in something (not sure what- vows, promises, XAH, intact home, etc.). They were 11 and 13 when I finally did. I can't ever get that decade back for my boys. The things they learned and the dysfunction they saw...that hurts my heart more than anything. AND, the damage to me was tenfold at that point. I was afraid it might be irreparable. (It wasn't, woo hoo!)
I am praying for you. If you mean the words you said in this post, don't smother them. Listen and think and be true to yourself. Let them evolve.
But don't say anything to him that's an idle threat. When I finally said I was leaving IF X DIDN'T HAPPEN, and he didn't follow through... my plan was in motion. By that time I promised myself to never look back regardless of what he did. Anything less devalues your position and hurts you...and gets you to settle for crumbs.
((((((((Kboys)))))))
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Thank you dandy 
I wish I could get to the point where I truly feel ready to take action... some days I don't know if I'll ever get there. My progress is slow but steady.
"I'm glad you're angry - you have every right to be - and IMO it's a much healthier and more self-aware reaction then asking where you went wrong in this scenario!"
And thank you garfiild... I was thinking that too
A year ago, if this had happened, my eyes would be swollen from crying (haven't shed a tear) and I would be telling myself, well, maybe if I would have just said this, instead of that, and if I would have just thought to call him, then it would have been fine. Then I would be calling him, wanting to smooth things over so he's not angry later. Not doin' that.
And today, I'm thinking, if he wasn't such a jerk... or whatever he is... he could have just said, " okay honey, run your errands, I'm in the middle of a project. See you after work." No big deal, right?
I'm not perfect but I don't deserve this BS
I wish I could get to the point where I truly feel ready to take action... some days I don't know if I'll ever get there. My progress is slow but steady."I'm glad you're angry - you have every right to be - and IMO it's a much healthier and more self-aware reaction then asking where you went wrong in this scenario!"
And thank you garfiild... I was thinking that too
A year ago, if this had happened, my eyes would be swollen from crying (haven't shed a tear) and I would be telling myself, well, maybe if I would have just said this, instead of that, and if I would have just thought to call him, then it would have been fine. Then I would be calling him, wanting to smooth things over so he's not angry later. Not doin' that.
And today, I'm thinking, if he wasn't such a jerk... or whatever he is... he could have just said, " okay honey, run your errands, I'm in the middle of a project. See you after work." No big deal, right?
I'm not perfect but I don't deserve this BS
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
a conversation like that would have me stabbing forks in my eyeballs. how often you endure that kind of crap? it makes no sense, the attacking, the accusations, the twenty questions.....and over what?
so you do all that venting and then what, come about 5 put on your happy face and go get him and keep pretending? this stuff is KILLING your soul..........you keep wanting to believe you guys are on track to have a "normal" kind of marriage and he keeps showing you just how impossible that is............
so you do all that venting and then what, come about 5 put on your happy face and go get him and keep pretending? this stuff is KILLING your soul..........you keep wanting to believe you guys are on track to have a "normal" kind of marriage and he keeps showing you just how impossible that is............
And it doesn't make sense... over big fat nothing.
He's convinced I'm cheating on him or at least hiding something from him, so anytime I say something that "doesn't add up" or I didn't give him "the whole story" even about something random and insignificant, well then it must be because of that secret life I have.
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Location: Wisconsin
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Kboys, big giant hugs to you.
I know EXACTLY how this feels. This entire scenario could have happened in my own marriage two years ago. I was in that exact same place mentally, too. Our son was three back then. I went back and forth in my mind. I wondered when I would be ready to leave. If I would ever be ready to leave. If I would destroy my children before I left. Everyone here said that I would know when I was ready. And they were right.
You'll get there. Be gentle with yourself. Try to act based on your brain, not your heart. I know how hard that is.
I know EXACTLY how this feels. This entire scenario could have happened in my own marriage two years ago. I was in that exact same place mentally, too. Our son was three back then. I went back and forth in my mind. I wondered when I would be ready to leave. If I would ever be ready to leave. If I would destroy my children before I left. Everyone here said that I would know when I was ready. And they were right.
You'll get there. Be gentle with yourself. Try to act based on your brain, not your heart. I know how hard that is.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys......I believe that you need help. Are you afraid to get help...for fear that he will find out?
When a person is being subjected to continuous abuse...as you are...it has a trememdous negative effect on your ability to act on your own behalf----because it tears big h oles in your self-esteem and self-confidence.
It can become hard to even think straight...and sometimes a person starts to doubt themselves and believe what is being said to them. It is easy to feel paralized due to fear and "guilt".
Do you know where to get help?
dandylion
When a person is being subjected to continuous abuse...as you are...it has a trememdous negative effect on your ability to act on your own behalf----because it tears big h oles in your self-esteem and self-confidence.
It can become hard to even think straight...and sometimes a person starts to doubt themselves and believe what is being said to them. It is easy to feel paralized due to fear and "guilt".
Do you know where to get help?
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
That sounds just like how so many of my arguments with XAH went. I'm so sorry you are stuck in this situation.
I really found the undecided/back and forth phase the worst. I know what it's like to have the constant should I/shouldn't I conversations with yourself. It can drive you batty.
I don't know if I can explain this well but on day like #682 of the tormenting struggle that was going on within my head, I said to myself - if it wasn't for our son I would have left a long time ago. Well it suddenly hit me-why would 'me alone' deserve a peaceful, calm and happy life but 'me with a child' not deserve one? That seemed messed up. I mean-our son certainly deserved a peaceful, calm and happy life too. Anyway, there were other factors that played into the timing of my decision but that realization made it much easier to forge ahead when the time was right.
I'm not saying that leaving is right for you-only you can say that. I'm just sharing what I felt and the process I went through.
Sending all kinds of good thoughts to you tonight. Take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))
I really found the undecided/back and forth phase the worst. I know what it's like to have the constant should I/shouldn't I conversations with yourself. It can drive you batty.
I don't know if I can explain this well but on day like #682 of the tormenting struggle that was going on within my head, I said to myself - if it wasn't for our son I would have left a long time ago. Well it suddenly hit me-why would 'me alone' deserve a peaceful, calm and happy life but 'me with a child' not deserve one? That seemed messed up. I mean-our son certainly deserved a peaceful, calm and happy life too. Anyway, there were other factors that played into the timing of my decision but that realization made it much easier to forge ahead when the time was right.
I'm not saying that leaving is right for you-only you can say that. I'm just sharing what I felt and the process I went through.
Sending all kinds of good thoughts to you tonight. Take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))
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Originally Posted by Kboys
"What do you feel is keeping you stuck?"
The hope I still have, when things are good, which there truly has been more of lately... and our children, and just the overwhelmed feeling I get when I think of divorce and custody and all that goes along with it.... mostly.
The hope I still have, when things are good, which there truly has been more of lately... and our children, and just the overwhelmed feeling I get when I think of divorce and custody and all that goes along with it.... mostly.
I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy to settle divorce/custody issues with someone like you husband, because it isn't. He will probably make it his business to try and put you through hell. But doesn't he do that anyway?
However, you won't be living with the cycle of abuse all day every day under your own roof. Because it's your normal right now, you don't really see the toll it's taking on you. Once I was away from it, even for a little bit, it had a huge impact on my ability to cope with stress, my energy levels, my outlook, just everything. I'm dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex. Does it suck? Yes. But because I am no longer living in a war zone, I have the will and energy to fight the battles that truly matter. If my ex wants to tell me something, he can have his lawyer call or email my lawyer, which has greatly reduced his crazymaking powers. Something else that helped me was reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' Turns out the stuff I thought was unique about my ex and our relationship all fell into a fairly predictable set of patterns. It also helps with seeing how much in control abusers really are, even when they seem to be flying off the handle or irrational, and how their behavior is calculated to get them what they want.
I didn't want my son to grow up without his dad, but we weren't safe in our own home, and in the end that trumps everything else. I'm not just talking about physical violence, but the constant emotional battering, the unprovoked surprise attacks (like the conversation you described in your op) and walking on eggshells, even during those supposed "good times" that were what I used to live for. Because it is always going to keep happening.
And regarding the title of your thread? No one could handle that well. Because that's the purpose of exchanges like that, to throw you off balance and make you question yourself, thereby sapping your energy and (he hopes) working extra hard to please him. He knows what he is doing.
Sending lots of strength your way.
(((Kboys)))
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KBoys, I'm really sorry you, and everybody else on this site, are going through this.
All I can tell you from my experience is that has and will continue to change you.
I've been going through this with my alcoholic/addicted wife since 2006, and I can tell you this from my heart:
1. The madness won't stop, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise. Keeping you on your heels is what he'll do as long as you don't look at, discuss, or even acknowledge the real problem: his alcoholism.
2. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I asked, begged, cried, pleaded, prayed, threatened to kick her out/divorce, you name it, and all it got me were flat promises(known as 'lies' when they come from the AW), and more of the same. As long as she wasn't losing her comfort(like staying in the house with the kids, etc) that's all she wanted. What the kids and I need is so much more. So I filed for separation last week and asked her to leave. Only now is she even somewhat serious(for all I know) about doing something about her addiction. Since she's not living with us, I don't know, and except for the kids sake, I don't really care anymore.
3. You'll hit your own bottom and you'll finally realize that you've had enough of having enough. I can't describe it but you'll know what I mean when you've finally reached it.
4. You really have choices. As spouses of addicts and alcoholics, our marriage life will never be the same prior to addiction, no matter how bad we want it to be. But we don't have to stay. I'm not promoting leaving at the first drop of the hat, but I'm pushing for everyone here to realize that our choices can be independent of theirs, decisions that are geared to our own lives, and not dependent on theirs. We all have to wake up and start living on this.
5. It won't be easy, especially when children are involved. But it can be done. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for, and while we don't want to traumatize them with this experience, please remember that IT WAS NOT US THAT BROUGHT THIS INTO OUR MARRIAGE. It is up to us on how we help get them safely through this. Sadly, children lose parents everyday, through accidents, crime, war, disease, etc, and only the love and guidance that we can give them will help them through this as well.
I received good advice from my pastor and he asked: Should the time come for you to end the marriage, will you be able to look into the eyes of your children and say 'I honestly did all I could that was mine to do'. Except for some extremely dramatic, and perhaps some questionable legal, options, I did all I could do.
God be with you on your journey. Peace.
All I can tell you from my experience is that has and will continue to change you.
I've been going through this with my alcoholic/addicted wife since 2006, and I can tell you this from my heart:
1. The madness won't stop, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise. Keeping you on your heels is what he'll do as long as you don't look at, discuss, or even acknowledge the real problem: his alcoholism.
2. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I asked, begged, cried, pleaded, prayed, threatened to kick her out/divorce, you name it, and all it got me were flat promises(known as 'lies' when they come from the AW), and more of the same. As long as she wasn't losing her comfort(like staying in the house with the kids, etc) that's all she wanted. What the kids and I need is so much more. So I filed for separation last week and asked her to leave. Only now is she even somewhat serious(for all I know) about doing something about her addiction. Since she's not living with us, I don't know, and except for the kids sake, I don't really care anymore.
3. You'll hit your own bottom and you'll finally realize that you've had enough of having enough. I can't describe it but you'll know what I mean when you've finally reached it.
4. You really have choices. As spouses of addicts and alcoholics, our marriage life will never be the same prior to addiction, no matter how bad we want it to be. But we don't have to stay. I'm not promoting leaving at the first drop of the hat, but I'm pushing for everyone here to realize that our choices can be independent of theirs, decisions that are geared to our own lives, and not dependent on theirs. We all have to wake up and start living on this.
5. It won't be easy, especially when children are involved. But it can be done. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for, and while we don't want to traumatize them with this experience, please remember that IT WAS NOT US THAT BROUGHT THIS INTO OUR MARRIAGE. It is up to us on how we help get them safely through this. Sadly, children lose parents everyday, through accidents, crime, war, disease, etc, and only the love and guidance that we can give them will help them through this as well.
I received good advice from my pastor and he asked: Should the time come for you to end the marriage, will you be able to look into the eyes of your children and say 'I honestly did all I could that was mine to do'. Except for some extremely dramatic, and perhaps some questionable legal, options, I did all I could do.
God be with you on your journey. Peace.
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