Lost
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Lost
I feel kind of silly doing this but I feel so lost, confused, hurt, and alone in my current situation. Googling, which I do often on just about everything and anything led me here. I'm just going to blab, probably will be long, I apologize I just haven't had anyone to talk to and I'm embarrassed to discuss this with anyone I know.
I love my fiance, very very soon to be husband, unconditionally and he makes me extremely happy and proud, but there are instances where I instantly become so lost and feel so helpless. He is my world and my rock and I love him with all my being and I want to be able to help him deal with his drinking problem, which he off and on again admits to having. Now I don't plan on leaving him at all, (please don't advise me in it, or to not marry him, as your wasting your breath) I want to be able to help him through this and I am in it for the long haul, better or WORSE so help me god. He's a fantastic guy and deserves to be loved and much more for the man he is, not this disease that periodically takes over, and I want to help him help himself. In the process of doing so though, I don't want to lose myself. I took the test and there are only a couple questions I could answer no to so I am here, I feel I have nowhere else to go.
When we first met years ago he use to drink beer daily, I use to joke about him drinking it like pop, funny at the time not so much now. When he drinks to excess, which is hard to tell before it's too late to request him to stop, he becomes depressed and sometimes insecure, which always leads to anger. That anger then leaves me a mess and I feel awful, lost, and confused. After my first hardcore experience with his drunken episode I basically said no more or else and asked him to not drink at all except for social events or holidays. I had gotten to the point where smelling alcohol on him made me very anxious as to how the day/night may go and I voiced my concern. He agreed he had a problem and things went great for months, though we had few social occasions or events to which we attended. Now after a couple years it's become an off and on again thing. Things go great for awhile, then he chooses one day to have a beer and then it goes to the next day, the next, and before you know it, it's been a couple weeks of everyday drinking with it increasing it seems each couple days until an episode happens again to make him look at himself and stop (it's usually pretty bad). I try now not to say anything when he does choose to have a beer so I don't anger him, which will make him continue drinking, and so I don't come off as being a nag or anything. I give it a couple days and then sweetly voice my concern in just a simple quick sentence and then move on. He usually apologizes and stops. Then we go a few weeks, or months, and then BAM little by little it shows up again and it seems we are on repeat and something bad has to happen before he stops. I don't know what to do to help him. He admits to having a problem one minute and then denies it the next and claims I'm trying to control him while I try to assure him I only want to help. He won't seek help as he keeps thinking he can do it on his own, but then he slips back in. He's just so happy and things are always so fantastic when he doesn't drink, for all of us, and when he does drink he seems so unhappy and angry. I'm just hurt and lost, I love him, how do I help him cause I'm not going anywhere? I hate having to ignore his episodes as if they never happened so I don't cause him to pick up a beer and keep drinking. It takes me days to recover now from all that occurs and feel whole again. I use to be a strong woman and now I feel so weak at times, more often then not.
I don't know, I'll leave it at whatever ramblings I did above. How can I get him to see and take the first REAL steps, I know he wants to, he tries, so so hard but he keeps loosing this battle with alcohol.
Thanks in advance I just needed to speak and tell someone what's been going on and find a way to help him if and where I can, I've exhausted all my ideas.
I love my fiance, very very soon to be husband, unconditionally and he makes me extremely happy and proud, but there are instances where I instantly become so lost and feel so helpless. He is my world and my rock and I love him with all my being and I want to be able to help him deal with his drinking problem, which he off and on again admits to having. Now I don't plan on leaving him at all, (please don't advise me in it, or to not marry him, as your wasting your breath) I want to be able to help him through this and I am in it for the long haul, better or WORSE so help me god. He's a fantastic guy and deserves to be loved and much more for the man he is, not this disease that periodically takes over, and I want to help him help himself. In the process of doing so though, I don't want to lose myself. I took the test and there are only a couple questions I could answer no to so I am here, I feel I have nowhere else to go.
When we first met years ago he use to drink beer daily, I use to joke about him drinking it like pop, funny at the time not so much now. When he drinks to excess, which is hard to tell before it's too late to request him to stop, he becomes depressed and sometimes insecure, which always leads to anger. That anger then leaves me a mess and I feel awful, lost, and confused. After my first hardcore experience with his drunken episode I basically said no more or else and asked him to not drink at all except for social events or holidays. I had gotten to the point where smelling alcohol on him made me very anxious as to how the day/night may go and I voiced my concern. He agreed he had a problem and things went great for months, though we had few social occasions or events to which we attended. Now after a couple years it's become an off and on again thing. Things go great for awhile, then he chooses one day to have a beer and then it goes to the next day, the next, and before you know it, it's been a couple weeks of everyday drinking with it increasing it seems each couple days until an episode happens again to make him look at himself and stop (it's usually pretty bad). I try now not to say anything when he does choose to have a beer so I don't anger him, which will make him continue drinking, and so I don't come off as being a nag or anything. I give it a couple days and then sweetly voice my concern in just a simple quick sentence and then move on. He usually apologizes and stops. Then we go a few weeks, or months, and then BAM little by little it shows up again and it seems we are on repeat and something bad has to happen before he stops. I don't know what to do to help him. He admits to having a problem one minute and then denies it the next and claims I'm trying to control him while I try to assure him I only want to help. He won't seek help as he keeps thinking he can do it on his own, but then he slips back in. He's just so happy and things are always so fantastic when he doesn't drink, for all of us, and when he does drink he seems so unhappy and angry. I'm just hurt and lost, I love him, how do I help him cause I'm not going anywhere? I hate having to ignore his episodes as if they never happened so I don't cause him to pick up a beer and keep drinking. It takes me days to recover now from all that occurs and feel whole again. I use to be a strong woman and now I feel so weak at times, more often then not.
I don't know, I'll leave it at whatever ramblings I did above. How can I get him to see and take the first REAL steps, I know he wants to, he tries, so so hard but he keeps loosing this battle with alcohol.
Thanks in advance I just needed to speak and tell someone what's been going on and find a way to help him if and where I can, I've exhausted all my ideas.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome.
regardless of what advice you receive, what avenues of help you find, THIS will be your stumbling block:
He won't seek help as he keeps thinking he can do it on his own, but then he slips back in
you have asked him to cut down, you have asked him to limit when he drinks, you have expressed your thoughts on his drinking numerous times. and what happens? HE.KEEPS.DRINKING.
i am very concerned about his anger towards you....that will not get better, as his drinking problems progress, so will the negative parts he displays. if you think you feel beat down NOW....imagine another 5 or 10 or 20 years? please read around at the other posts here....both in this Friends and Family section, and up in the Newcomers section, where you can get a sense of the struggles those who are TRYING to stop go thru. it isn't pretty.
It takes me days to recover now from all that occurs and feel whole again. I use to be a strong woman and now I feel so weak at times, more often then not.
some tools that can help us NOT be so run over by THEIR actions are learning how to detach, and learning to set boundaries that will give you a guide for how to protect yourself against his drinking. Alanon is also a wonderful support system for the loved ones of alcoholics.
this won't just go away. no matter how much you love him.
regardless of what advice you receive, what avenues of help you find, THIS will be your stumbling block:
He won't seek help as he keeps thinking he can do it on his own, but then he slips back in
you have asked him to cut down, you have asked him to limit when he drinks, you have expressed your thoughts on his drinking numerous times. and what happens? HE.KEEPS.DRINKING.
i am very concerned about his anger towards you....that will not get better, as his drinking problems progress, so will the negative parts he displays. if you think you feel beat down NOW....imagine another 5 or 10 or 20 years? please read around at the other posts here....both in this Friends and Family section, and up in the Newcomers section, where you can get a sense of the struggles those who are TRYING to stop go thru. it isn't pretty.
It takes me days to recover now from all that occurs and feel whole again. I use to be a strong woman and now I feel so weak at times, more often then not.
some tools that can help us NOT be so run over by THEIR actions are learning how to detach, and learning to set boundaries that will give you a guide for how to protect yourself against his drinking. Alanon is also a wonderful support system for the loved ones of alcoholics.
this won't just go away. no matter how much you love him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. Sounds like it's time to do a self-inventory on what you want in a relationship. Do you trust and respect him? Alanon helped me a great deal because I learned I'm powerless over other people. There is nothing you can say or do that will stop him drinking and being the person he is.
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