Where to start?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Where to start?
Hello,
I'm looking for advice how how to help/deal with a situation. My brother and I grew up with an alcoholic as a father. Parents got divorced when I was about 7. My older brother, by 3 years, got the brunt of the alcoholism with a father that left him places cause he passed out, got in accidents with him in the car... The list goes on as I'm sure you all know. My father passed away two years ago at the young age of 47. There are a lot of hurt feelings and anger still there on both of our sides. I don't know if it is because I've been in college and really focused on my life or because my mom has been trying to protect me, but I have finally seen that my brother is following in my father's footsteps. Last night was the last straw for me when he left his very pregnant wife (due any second!) to go drink and gamble then decided to drive home. I tracked him down and drove him home, but I cant.... No I won't sit and let my future niece go through an ounce of what I have. I had a long talk with him on the 30min drive home and suggested a lot of ways to cope and asked a lot of whys... Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He doesn't drink daily or even weekly, but when he does it is a lot and he makes very bad decisions such as leaving his pregnant wife home 35 min away from the nearest hospital and with no way of contacting him. I suggested counseling (by himself, with me, or even with his wife). He didn't seem to love it but I thought it would at least be a start. What do you think?
Thank you!
I'm looking for advice how how to help/deal with a situation. My brother and I grew up with an alcoholic as a father. Parents got divorced when I was about 7. My older brother, by 3 years, got the brunt of the alcoholism with a father that left him places cause he passed out, got in accidents with him in the car... The list goes on as I'm sure you all know. My father passed away two years ago at the young age of 47. There are a lot of hurt feelings and anger still there on both of our sides. I don't know if it is because I've been in college and really focused on my life or because my mom has been trying to protect me, but I have finally seen that my brother is following in my father's footsteps. Last night was the last straw for me when he left his very pregnant wife (due any second!) to go drink and gamble then decided to drive home. I tracked him down and drove him home, but I cant.... No I won't sit and let my future niece go through an ounce of what I have. I had a long talk with him on the 30min drive home and suggested a lot of ways to cope and asked a lot of whys... Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. He doesn't drink daily or even weekly, but when he does it is a lot and he makes very bad decisions such as leaving his pregnant wife home 35 min away from the nearest hospital and with no way of contacting him. I suggested counseling (by himself, with me, or even with his wife). He didn't seem to love it but I thought it would at least be a start. What do you think?
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello, and welcome to SR. Glad you are here!
My X was a lot like this before he progressed into an alcoholic. He was a binge drinker that if he drank, it would continue to a lot of alcohol. He would only drink every now and then. Unfortunately, it did turn into full on alcoholism.
I am going to tell you that trying to rationalize with someone while they are under the influence is not a good time. Try talking to him again today, and see how receptive he is to counseling, that would be a good start.
I am very sorry for all you have been through. I wish you all the best of luck!!! Keep posting, you are not alone.
My X was a lot like this before he progressed into an alcoholic. He was a binge drinker that if he drank, it would continue to a lot of alcohol. He would only drink every now and then. Unfortunately, it did turn into full on alcoholism.
I am going to tell you that trying to rationalize with someone while they are under the influence is not a good time. Try talking to him again today, and see how receptive he is to counseling, that would be a good start.
I am very sorry for all you have been through. I wish you all the best of luck!!! Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Counseling is the first step. Urge it, and urge it for his wife. If his patterns continue, urge it for your future niece, as early as possible. It may be a good idea for you to get this too, since it seems like there are still some unresolved issues concerning your father.
My older sister had 2 children with an alcoholic, and he would put them in dangerous situations all the time. He'd take them to construction sites when they were small, letting them wander around and do whatever they wished. When he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, he'd drop them off at a convenience store all day while he worked, unsupervised. He and my sister would get into awful fights all the time, in front of them. He'd pit them against each other. He'd drive all over with them while drinking.
My sister finally left him when they were in middle school, and he's barely had contact with them since. One is now 19, and the other just turned 17. One has battled with anorexia and drug addiction, and is currently going through treatment to quit using cocaine. The other doesn't speak to family members, has had drug problems, and multiple disciplinary problems. They've had spotty sessions of counseling while growing up, but not enough.
My sister is just now starting counseling of her own, as she's come to realize how her own codependency has affected her household, and is finally trying to get her two kids to get some counseling as well. It breaks my heart to see that they've lost their entire childhood because of this, but it gives me hope they're finally getting the help they need (all of them).
You can't change a person's addictions, or their behaviors. They have to do it. In the meantime, you CAN change your perspective on it, and keep yourself from living the life of the victim of an alcoholic. That doesn't mean you have to turn your back on your loved ones without trying, but it does mean to do so in a way that doesn't diminish your own life.
My older sister had 2 children with an alcoholic, and he would put them in dangerous situations all the time. He'd take them to construction sites when they were small, letting them wander around and do whatever they wished. When he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, he'd drop them off at a convenience store all day while he worked, unsupervised. He and my sister would get into awful fights all the time, in front of them. He'd pit them against each other. He'd drive all over with them while drinking.
My sister finally left him when they were in middle school, and he's barely had contact with them since. One is now 19, and the other just turned 17. One has battled with anorexia and drug addiction, and is currently going through treatment to quit using cocaine. The other doesn't speak to family members, has had drug problems, and multiple disciplinary problems. They've had spotty sessions of counseling while growing up, but not enough.
My sister is just now starting counseling of her own, as she's come to realize how her own codependency has affected her household, and is finally trying to get her two kids to get some counseling as well. It breaks my heart to see that they've lost their entire childhood because of this, but it gives me hope they're finally getting the help they need (all of them).
You can't change a person's addictions, or their behaviors. They have to do it. In the meantime, you CAN change your perspective on it, and keep yourself from living the life of the victim of an alcoholic. That doesn't mean you have to turn your back on your loved ones without trying, but it does mean to do so in a way that doesn't diminish your own life.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome Emma,
ACOA may be a wise place to start for you, your brother and his wife. This link addresses behaviors and life approaches we learn growing up in dysfunctional families. It is directly from the main group site and you can seek other details there as well.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
SR. also has a section thread.
ACOA may be a wise place to start for you, your brother and his wife. This link addresses behaviors and life approaches we learn growing up in dysfunctional families. It is directly from the main group site and you can seek other details there as well.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
SR. also has a section thread.
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