Guilt, Shame and Anxiety
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Guilt, Shame and Anxiety
Ive been feeling all of the above more so recently with my behaviour towards old friend. However it has also made me realise that I have so much guilt and shame from my marriage and with my kids.
I feel ashamed and guilty for my behaviour in my marriage to try and control ex a's drinking and trying to do what ever I couold to please him, make him happy, ensure he wouldnt be moody or shout at the kids and a million other things.
I feel guilty for not protecting my kids more and not walking away. I still feel guilty for not being able to pull myself together emotionally and although I am doing the best I can and trying to be their for my kids at times I feel I should be doing more. I have had to take a 2nd job to help out finacially but again I feel guilty as this will mean more time away from them. I dont want them to think ive abandoned them too with working or going out or doing anything for myself. I feel that I need to be home as often as I can just so they know Im there for them and Im about and I havent left!!
I am ashamed that I didnt think more of myself to know I deserved better that my kids deserved better.
My anxiety is high at the minute I want to fix everything, I hate the thought that the old friend thinks badly of me and I am ashamed of my behaviour and I want to fix things with him. I cant I know this and I havent contacted him to try. I hate the thought that anyone would think badly of me or that they wouldnt want to be friends with me, casues feelings of not being good enough. Today I feel that I am not a good enough mum or friend.
I am trying really hard to manage my anxiety, my need to control and my need to fix everything and I suppose control others. I know this may be heightened due to organising all the paperwork for the divorce and this may be why im trying to control everything else as I have no control over the divorce. I dont know.
I just dont know how to manage the feelings of shame and guilt.
Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as though im in a state of panic!!
I feel ashamed and guilty for my behaviour in my marriage to try and control ex a's drinking and trying to do what ever I couold to please him, make him happy, ensure he wouldnt be moody or shout at the kids and a million other things.
I feel guilty for not protecting my kids more and not walking away. I still feel guilty for not being able to pull myself together emotionally and although I am doing the best I can and trying to be their for my kids at times I feel I should be doing more. I have had to take a 2nd job to help out finacially but again I feel guilty as this will mean more time away from them. I dont want them to think ive abandoned them too with working or going out or doing anything for myself. I feel that I need to be home as often as I can just so they know Im there for them and Im about and I havent left!!
I am ashamed that I didnt think more of myself to know I deserved better that my kids deserved better.
My anxiety is high at the minute I want to fix everything, I hate the thought that the old friend thinks badly of me and I am ashamed of my behaviour and I want to fix things with him. I cant I know this and I havent contacted him to try. I hate the thought that anyone would think badly of me or that they wouldnt want to be friends with me, casues feelings of not being good enough. Today I feel that I am not a good enough mum or friend.
I am trying really hard to manage my anxiety, my need to control and my need to fix everything and I suppose control others. I know this may be heightened due to organising all the paperwork for the divorce and this may be why im trying to control everything else as I have no control over the divorce. I dont know.
I just dont know how to manage the feelings of shame and guilt.
Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as though im in a state of panic!!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
Maybe reach out and try to talk to your friend? I know it might be difficult to do, but, you may be thinking worse about it than it is. Hopefully you two can talk and make things right.
Guilt is such a hard thing. You sound like you are doing your best in a bad situation, and that you care immensely. I don't know your situation, but, is it possible to speak with a professional? Sometimes that can help with guilt and anxiety, and if nothing else, you can just get stuff off your chest.
I hope you get things worked out with your friend, and find a little time for yourself to relax and de-stress.
Guilt is such a hard thing. You sound like you are doing your best in a bad situation, and that you care immensely. I don't know your situation, but, is it possible to speak with a professional? Sometimes that can help with guilt and anxiety, and if nothing else, you can just get stuff off your chest.
I hope you get things worked out with your friend, and find a little time for yourself to relax and de-stress.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,446
Sending support your way. I'm sorry you feel so badly. I can't see any reason for feeling guilty.
You certainly can't fix someone, but I can totally understand where you are coming from. When in a relationship, you often have the choice of: tolerating a behavior, deciding it's a deal breaker, and the muddy middle ground where we try to deal with things in a manageable way. What we thought we could tolerate sometimes becomes an unimaginable mess. But you said "ex", so it sounds like you drew a line in the sand at some point. Learning to let other peoples problems be their problems is a skill on it's own.
Take care of yourself and your kids now and build and enjoy a new life that you want. We've all made mistakes. :-)
You certainly can't fix someone, but I can totally understand where you are coming from. When in a relationship, you often have the choice of: tolerating a behavior, deciding it's a deal breaker, and the muddy middle ground where we try to deal with things in a manageable way. What we thought we could tolerate sometimes becomes an unimaginable mess. But you said "ex", so it sounds like you drew a line in the sand at some point. Learning to let other peoples problems be their problems is a skill on it's own.
Take care of yourself and your kids now and build and enjoy a new life that you want. We've all made mistakes. :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Boy oh boy do you have yourself all wound up. So, stop. Take a really deep breath, hold it, then slowly blow it out. Do this three times. Feel better? If so, do this every time you start feeling anxious. When we stress out our breathing becomes short and shallow. Then our body becomes oxygen deprived and our stress increases as we struggle to get more air. It becomes a cycle. Slow deliberate breathing will break that cycle.
Consider learning how to knit or crochet. These hobbies can help our brains quiet down as you focus hand and mind on the task.
I think focusing on your home and the kids is a good thing. Yes you made mistakes but you are still alive. You can make them better. What I do to help myself deal with these types of feeling is every night before bed I say thank you God for this day you have given me, thank you for watching over me protecting me, keeping me safe and keeping me healthy. This helps me focus not on my failings but on what I have now. What I can do now. It makes me grateful because things could have been so much worse.
Consider learning how to knit or crochet. These hobbies can help our brains quiet down as you focus hand and mind on the task.
I think focusing on your home and the kids is a good thing. Yes you made mistakes but you are still alive. You can make them better. What I do to help myself deal with these types of feeling is every night before bed I say thank you God for this day you have given me, thank you for watching over me protecting me, keeping me safe and keeping me healthy. This helps me focus not on my failings but on what I have now. What I can do now. It makes me grateful because things could have been so much worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I don't think this is a bad thing although the anxiety that is accompanying it is. Its good to recognize mistakes you have made!! If you didn't you would continue to make them.
What people think of you is not something to worry about. What your friend thinks about you is what he thinks - not what YOU have decided he thinks. I doubt he thinks anything more than you are a person who has been through a lot with a divorce. I SERIOUSLY doubt he thinks you are a bad person, because you aren't.
As for your husband - most of the time I believe both parties contribute to the end of a marriage. I'd say when alcoholism is involved that weight is much heavier on the side of the alcoholic. What you did in your marriage was to try and mitigate your husband's behavior and protect your children from it. That is a great thing NOT a bad thing. I think others who have been in the same situation will be by to share their ES &H on that.
So, you have recognized you have some serious control issues, a lot of control issues with what people think about you. Next step is to stop the racing thoughts, stop thinking for others, stop concluding what others think, and letting go of things that have happened in the past.
What people think of you is not something to worry about. What your friend thinks about you is what he thinks - not what YOU have decided he thinks. I doubt he thinks anything more than you are a person who has been through a lot with a divorce. I SERIOUSLY doubt he thinks you are a bad person, because you aren't.
As for your husband - most of the time I believe both parties contribute to the end of a marriage. I'd say when alcoholism is involved that weight is much heavier on the side of the alcoholic. What you did in your marriage was to try and mitigate your husband's behavior and protect your children from it. That is a great thing NOT a bad thing. I think others who have been in the same situation will be by to share their ES &H on that.
So, you have recognized you have some serious control issues, a lot of control issues with what people think about you. Next step is to stop the racing thoughts, stop thinking for others, stop concluding what others think, and letting go of things that have happened in the past.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Imagine your best friend talking this way. What would you say to her? Would you believe she is shameful or a horrible person? Assuming she had behaved EXACTLY as you did.
As someone said in one of your previous threads, when we KNOW better, we DO better.
The intrusive thoughts causing panic/anxiety can sometimes be managed with medication. Have you talked with your therapist about the possibility of medication?
As someone said in one of your previous threads, when we KNOW better, we DO better.
The intrusive thoughts causing panic/anxiety can sometimes be managed with medication. Have you talked with your therapist about the possibility of medication?
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone
Im on anti depressants.
I do practice the breathing strategies when Im feeling anxious or over thinking things, I ask god to help me through my panic and to let go of my need to fix/control things (a lot over the last few weeks) and to see how things naturally turn out.
I still not good at doing things for myself guess this will take practice
Im on anti depressants.
I do practice the breathing strategies when Im feeling anxious or over thinking things, I ask god to help me through my panic and to let go of my need to fix/control things (a lot over the last few weeks) and to see how things naturally turn out.
I still not good at doing things for myself guess this will take practice
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
ownedbypugs, if you read my other thread you will read how my behaviour was so awful he probably wont want anything t do with me and I havent heard from him in a few weeks. I am going to leave him be and try this letting things happen naturally for the first time ever!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Making a mistake is not a bad thing-we all do it. I do it plenty-and it's hard to own a mistake and squash that pride we have and forgive ourselves and say I'm sorry. And sometimes just leave it at that. I think you're doing great, butterfly.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
It took me a long time to get over my overwhelming shame...and then ANGER at myself. I remember saying "I hate that woman", referring to the "me" who was in my marriage. She was weak, she put up with too much...I thought it might engulf me.
My sister said- when you're busy being angry at "that woman", take a minute to be grateful that when the smoke cleared and you saw what needed to be done, you ACTED. And you never looked back. That took a lot of strength. THAT woman doesn't have a weak bone in her body.
If you are ACTING...putting one foot in front of the other each day...even walking backwards some days, but WALKING...
There is nothing to berate yourself about. Give it time. Don't beat yourself up. Learn to offer yourself the same grace and forgiveness you show others.
Keep walking...
My sister said- when you're busy being angry at "that woman", take a minute to be grateful that when the smoke cleared and you saw what needed to be done, you ACTED. And you never looked back. That took a lot of strength. THAT woman doesn't have a weak bone in her body.
If you are ACTING...putting one foot in front of the other each day...even walking backwards some days, but WALKING...
There is nothing to berate yourself about. Give it time. Don't beat yourself up. Learn to offer yourself the same grace and forgiveness you show others.
Keep walking...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh Butterfly, you are definitely ruminating over all of this at this point - you keep going over & over the same details but it's not providing you any new information or solutions to your questions.
You are REALLY hurting yourself replaying all of this over & over in your mind. Did you know that in doing that you're actually giving the memories life? That you're reinforcing all of the negative parts that you are focusing on & actually breathing life into them? You are GIVING them power over you.
Memories aren't set in stone in our minds, did you know that? They are fluid & we actually we-imagine them every time we recall them. That means every time you pull up this memory, you have to reconstruct the events mentally. And as fallible humans, we tend to interject our emotions into that process, twisting & changing things to fit the way WE remember it.... which may be different than what actually happened. Every time, you'll add & subtract from that memory. Did you ever make a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy, etc so many times that the 50th copy is so obviously different than the original? The 50th time you recall those memories they are much blurrier than the original & your mind "fills in" the blanks & fleshes out the details to fit your interpretation of it.
My best advice is that when you start recognize that you are tripping down memory lane - Stop. Literally - say out loud to yourself - "I'm not doing that now" & go do something else. Anything that will occupy your mind. Start a new tv series that you know will draw you in - or an old favorite trashy, indulgent series that you know lets you shut your mind off. Go for a walk, call a good friend & ask about their day & focus on them & their troubles for a while. Turn on very loud music to drown out your thoughts. Exercise.
I don't know how to say the same stuff to you over & over & not sound pushy, so I'm going to just link a bunch of resources for articles & videos that I've watched that address this stuff a bit & hope something connects for you.
I've gotten bits & pieces out of all of this stuff even if/when I've thought the topic didn't apply to me.
Is Dwelling on the Negative Hurting You? The Cognitive Costs of Rumination*|*Robert Leahy, Ph.D.
Do You Love Yourself Just as You Are?*|*Deepak Chopra
Memory Recall/Retrieval - Memory Processes - The Human Memory
Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work | TED Talk | TED.com
https://www.ted.com/talks/andy_puddi...es?language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...ne?language=en
Watch "The prison of your mind: Sean Stephenson at TEDxIronwoodStatePrison" Video at TEDxTalks
Watch "The Mindful Way Through Depression: Zindel Segal at TEDxUTSC" Video at TEDxTalks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVwLjC5etEQ
You are REALLY hurting yourself replaying all of this over & over in your mind. Did you know that in doing that you're actually giving the memories life? That you're reinforcing all of the negative parts that you are focusing on & actually breathing life into them? You are GIVING them power over you.
Memories aren't set in stone in our minds, did you know that? They are fluid & we actually we-imagine them every time we recall them. That means every time you pull up this memory, you have to reconstruct the events mentally. And as fallible humans, we tend to interject our emotions into that process, twisting & changing things to fit the way WE remember it.... which may be different than what actually happened. Every time, you'll add & subtract from that memory. Did you ever make a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy, etc so many times that the 50th copy is so obviously different than the original? The 50th time you recall those memories they are much blurrier than the original & your mind "fills in" the blanks & fleshes out the details to fit your interpretation of it.
My best advice is that when you start recognize that you are tripping down memory lane - Stop. Literally - say out loud to yourself - "I'm not doing that now" & go do something else. Anything that will occupy your mind. Start a new tv series that you know will draw you in - or an old favorite trashy, indulgent series that you know lets you shut your mind off. Go for a walk, call a good friend & ask about their day & focus on them & their troubles for a while. Turn on very loud music to drown out your thoughts. Exercise.
I don't know how to say the same stuff to you over & over & not sound pushy, so I'm going to just link a bunch of resources for articles & videos that I've watched that address this stuff a bit & hope something connects for you.
I've gotten bits & pieces out of all of this stuff even if/when I've thought the topic didn't apply to me.Is Dwelling on the Negative Hurting You? The Cognitive Costs of Rumination*|*Robert Leahy, Ph.D.
Do You Love Yourself Just as You Are?*|*Deepak Chopra
Memory Recall/Retrieval - Memory Processes - The Human Memory
Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work | TED Talk | TED.com
https://www.ted.com/talks/andy_puddi...es?language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...ne?language=en
Watch "The prison of your mind: Sean Stephenson at TEDxIronwoodStatePrison" Video at TEDxTalks
Watch "The Mindful Way Through Depression: Zindel Segal at TEDxUTSC" Video at TEDxTalks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVwLjC5etEQ
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I understand this feeling. I too find it very hard to snap out of negative self belief. Lately I have been going through a rough patch at work, feeling I am just not good at my job. Maybe I am not good at all of it but I am good at other things. I think we are all a mix of good and bad. Sometimes though we get so wrapped up in our bad parts we forget the good parts. A dear friend of mine suggested I start losing things I can do or have achieved and keep re reading that list. I was dubious but felt so miserable that I figured I would do it. It helps. It takes time for me to accept I have worth and skills, but it has helped a lot.
Maybe something similar could help you. You made mistakes, sure, but so does everyone. People just don't project that part of themselves so we forget that. Whymnot start a list of things you have done well, qualities you have. Then keep adding to it.
It's taken me a good week to start to accept there are things I can do. You have good qualities, you have survived situations that might have broken someone else. It's time to focus on those. Then maybe talk to your friend and tell him how you feel. I am willing to bet he will have more things to add to that list.
Maybe something similar could help you. You made mistakes, sure, but so does everyone. People just don't project that part of themselves so we forget that. Whymnot start a list of things you have done well, qualities you have. Then keep adding to it.
It's taken me a good week to start to accept there are things I can do. You have good qualities, you have survived situations that might have broken someone else. It's time to focus on those. Then maybe talk to your friend and tell him how you feel. I am willing to bet he will have more things to add to that list.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone.
I know firesprite I keep going round and round in circles obsessing over different things especially my own feelings and guilt. This old friend is really driving me nuts and feelings of guilt and shame as to how I behaved!! Thank you for the links I will definitely look at them.
Shil, I really struggle with thinking of things I'm good at or my good qualities especially when I'm feeling so low and negative I can't seem to think positively.
I know firesprite I keep going round and round in circles obsessing over different things especially my own feelings and guilt. This old friend is really driving me nuts and feelings of guilt and shame as to how I behaved!! Thank you for the links I will definitely look at them.
Shil, I really struggle with thinking of things I'm good at or my good qualities especially when I'm feeling so low and negative I can't seem to think positively.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
Butterfly, I am sorry. I hadn't read your post about your friend. I just went back and read it, and when you have been through a lot, sometimes it's hard to let go of trying to control things. I have such a problem letting go of control. Half the time I honestly believe there is no way I can't fix things.
Maybe let a little time pass, then text to see how your friend is doing. Hopefully, you can get past this and be good with each other again.
Maybe let a little time pass, then text to see how your friend is doing. Hopefully, you can get past this and be good with each other again.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I hope so ownedbypugs.
I need to focus on myself and my kids for a while, try to heal myself and start to like myself then maybe I will stop this need for others to like me and stop trying to please everyone, twisting myself inside out hoping that they will like me and want to be around me. I need to focus on what i do have positive in my life and stop chasing people who are unavailable!!
I need to focus on my kids, be their for them and support them more and forgive myself for letting them down.
I need to focus on myself and my kids for a while, try to heal myself and start to like myself then maybe I will stop this need for others to like me and stop trying to please everyone, twisting myself inside out hoping that they will like me and want to be around me. I need to focus on what i do have positive in my life and stop chasing people who are unavailable!!
I need to focus on my kids, be their for them and support them more and forgive myself for letting them down.
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