The beast has emerged!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
The beast has emerged!
So, all hell broke loose today. After how many months now? 5, I believe. He got home from being out of town and confessed that he bought a six pack the night before......
Ok.....Then I did something really really stupid.....I said, "well I also drank a few beers last week when you were gone. Just gotta keep going" I'm not an A, but I have refrained from drinking in support of AH. So when he was gone last week, I decided to indulge when it wouldn't bother him. But I didn't tell him about it until he said he bought beer last night.
.....so I inadvertently opened the door for his attack.
If I didn't tell him about THAT then what else was I hiding from him? (This is him talking) He's been trying so hard to forgive me for everything I've done to him (all those who know my past know that this man accuses me of infidelity ALL the time and with EVERYONE), how our relationship is built on a lie, he's never gotten a truthful word out of me, and that we should just end it.
And of course, the reason he drank was because all this was just too much for him.
Yes, the kids heard it all......through the walls.
I know, I know...this isn't about me, it's about him. But God it hurts.
I quietly left the room and went about making dinner and discussing it with the kids. They kept asking if I was ok. That was nice of them, but super sad for me.
I don't really know where to go from here with my thoughts.
I didn't engage, so that is good. I held it together and I feel calm. I just feel like I'm back to square one......
Ok.....Then I did something really really stupid.....I said, "well I also drank a few beers last week when you were gone. Just gotta keep going" I'm not an A, but I have refrained from drinking in support of AH. So when he was gone last week, I decided to indulge when it wouldn't bother him. But I didn't tell him about it until he said he bought beer last night.
.....so I inadvertently opened the door for his attack.
If I didn't tell him about THAT then what else was I hiding from him? (This is him talking) He's been trying so hard to forgive me for everything I've done to him (all those who know my past know that this man accuses me of infidelity ALL the time and with EVERYONE), how our relationship is built on a lie, he's never gotten a truthful word out of me, and that we should just end it.
And of course, the reason he drank was because all this was just too much for him.
Yes, the kids heard it all......through the walls.
I know, I know...this isn't about me, it's about him. But God it hurts.
I quietly left the room and went about making dinner and discussing it with the kids. They kept asking if I was ok. That was nice of them, but super sad for me.
I don't really know where to go from here with my thoughts.
I didn't engage, so that is good. I held it together and I feel calm. I just feel like I'm back to square one......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Ugh, sorry.
I forget, have you read Why Does He Do That yet? I've been rereading it this week, which I think is why I was so tough on your other thread.
There's a really informative section on substance abusers and DV, and it addresses the myth that sobriety will "fix" a batterer. It really sounds like he's been hoovering you with a prolonged honeymoon phase. Be careful. Now that he's started up again, things could escalate quickly.
Stay safe.
I forget, have you read Why Does He Do That yet? I've been rereading it this week, which I think is why I was so tough on your other thread.
There's a really informative section on substance abusers and DV, and it addresses the myth that sobriety will "fix" a batterer. It really sounds like he's been hoovering you with a prolonged honeymoon phase. Be careful. Now that he's started up again, things could escalate quickly.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You didn't do anything wrong free; don't be so quick to judge your comment as stupid. He chose to relapse & now he's JADE'ING all over himself to turn it into something acceptable. It's not.
I'm sorry that you are hurting, you didn't deserve those insults. But it definitely shows you how much HASN'T changed.... more will be revealed, right? Hang in there! (((((Hugs)))))
I'm sorry that you are hurting, you didn't deserve those insults. But it definitely shows you how much HASN'T changed.... more will be revealed, right? Hang in there! (((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
((((free))))
If you look at what he said, he was already blaming you for the beer he got, even before he knew that you also had some.
He said the reason he drank was because it was all too much for him. You were already being blamed.
So sorry.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
If you look at what he said, he was already blaming you for the beer he got, even before he knew that you also had some.
He said the reason he drank was because it was all too much for him. You were already being blamed.
So sorry.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Oh, gosh, freetosmile . . . infidelity. Been accused of that myself. This is why it should be highlighted and underlined and stressed: (1) never argue with them; (2) if you do argue and get sucked in, make sure you do not say anything stupid that they might twist around and that you may later regret.
I told mine looooong time ago that I feel lonely in my marriage, that it feels as if I am single, that I feel tempted to be with someone else (slept on sofa for almost 2 years in the living room, intimacy, absolutely none). Stupid, stupid, stupid of me . . . He JUSTIFIES his attacks on me because I said this. He says, "not that I would use this in court (quack quack), but you said you would cheat on me." Mind you, I never actually cheated, just expressed my feelings about our relationship. People who cheat just do it. And hide it really well. Why would I threaten? Irrational, isn't it?
He has always been very jealous and dangerously controlling. Only I could not see this. But now I see, and it pushes me away and makes me run for my life. And as the ties got really loose, his attempts to scare me are so transparent, that I get a really uneasy feeling because I can recognize tactics described in the Why Does He Do That book.
So yes, be extra careful. And especially when you detach, because everything you do or say will be an excuse for drinking.
I told mine looooong time ago that I feel lonely in my marriage, that it feels as if I am single, that I feel tempted to be with someone else (slept on sofa for almost 2 years in the living room, intimacy, absolutely none). Stupid, stupid, stupid of me . . . He JUSTIFIES his attacks on me because I said this. He says, "not that I would use this in court (quack quack), but you said you would cheat on me." Mind you, I never actually cheated, just expressed my feelings about our relationship. People who cheat just do it. And hide it really well. Why would I threaten? Irrational, isn't it?
He has always been very jealous and dangerously controlling. Only I could not see this. But now I see, and it pushes me away and makes me run for my life. And as the ties got really loose, his attempts to scare me are so transparent, that I get a really uneasy feeling because I can recognize tactics described in the Why Does He Do That book.
So yes, be extra careful. And especially when you detach, because everything you do or say will be an excuse for drinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Any thing you say or do will be justification for him to drink-anything. Funny-my ex (and his immediate family) told me that I was the reason my ex was an alcoholic-bc he was so unhappy with me and bc I was crazy. Ny ex used to blame me, the stress of two kids, and his job - in that order. Hmm-now he no longer has me (divorce), his children or said job-but still throwing them back. Yep-still an alcoholic. Peace to you-and be careful.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry, kiddo. Not surprised, exactly, but very sorry.
He said ONE thing worth thinking about, and that's the bit about maybe just ending it. This can go on indefinitely--with your grasping little scraps of happiness (or at least non-misery) for a matter of weeks or months, and then boom. The beast.
Be careful, please. He's a dangerous guy when he goes off like this.
He said ONE thing worth thinking about, and that's the bit about maybe just ending it. This can go on indefinitely--with your grasping little scraps of happiness (or at least non-misery) for a matter of weeks or months, and then boom. The beast.
Be careful, please. He's a dangerous guy when he goes off like this.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry it sounded like everything was going so well even your discussion the other day about more activity with the kids.
Be careful. Sounds like he has been white knuckling. Take care of yourself and kudos for not engaging.
Be careful. Sounds like he has been white knuckling. Take care of yourself and kudos for not engaging.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Had to read this and come back to it...so much of it sounded way too familiar. Verbatim.
First...no way that was stupid. He shared, and you shared a similar vulnerability letting him know it was alright and a slip isn't the end- he can move forward from there. I think it was very giving of you.
That doesn't mean he can take the kindness--near the end with my XAH, my alanon-ish forgiveness and lack of engaging seemed to enrage him. I think because he was so angry with himself and angrier that he couldn't easily put it on me.
Not stupid. Kind and giving.
This concerns me. In my experience this type of attack is generally meant to keep the spotlight on YOU and off HIM. In these words I hear... What else is HE hiding from you? I don't want to cause undue stress, but I hear major warning bells...
Not that you need to hear it again, but he drinks because he drinks...nothing at all to do with you.
I'm so sorry you're in this. I don't sense much recovery on his part yet. I'm afraid you may continue to be the target for his negativity...please watch out for yourself and your kids.
Sending hugs and prayers.
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Then I did something really really stupid.....I said, "well I also drank a few beers last week when you were gone. Just gotta keep going"
That doesn't mean he can take the kindness--near the end with my XAH, my alanon-ish forgiveness and lack of engaging seemed to enrage him. I think because he was so angry with himself and angrier that he couldn't easily put it on me.
Not stupid. Kind and giving.
Originally Posted by freetosmile
If I didn't tell him about THAT then what else was I hiding from him? (This is him talking) He's been trying so hard to forgive me for everything I've done to him (all those who know my past know that this man accuses me of infidelity ALL the time and with EVERYONE), how our relationship is built on a lie, he's never gotten a truthful word out of me, and that we should just end it. And of course, the reason he drank was because all this was just too much for him.
Not that you need to hear it again, but he drinks because he drinks...nothing at all to do with you.
I'm so sorry you're in this. I don't sense much recovery on his part yet. I'm afraid you may continue to be the target for his negativity...please watch out for yourself and your kids.
Sending hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by amy55
((((free))))
If you look at what he said, he was already blaming you for the beer he got, even before he knew that you also had some.
If you look at what he said, he was already blaming you for the beer he got, even before he knew that you also had some.
Originally Posted by Praying
In my experience this type of attack is generally meant to keep the spotlight on YOU and off HIM. In these words I hear... What else is HE hiding from you? I don't want to cause undue stress, but I hear major warning bells...
((((hugs))) Free. You didn't continue going around and around with him. You held it together and declined participation in his bombast. You're not back at square one. He might be, but you're not.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
What I've learned about alcoholism, a lot from here and from other sources, is that recovery is a tricky road for the alcoholic, but it's their road to travel. They can't sign you up for it, and you shouldn't be forced to carry their baggage along the way. Easier said than done, though, right?
In recovery, there's always a danger of relapse and backsliding, especially in the first year. It's easy to fall into the habit of feeling things are going to be okay even when you see a modicum of progress, but the reality is that they are simply taking the first out of many steps to improve themselves and their life. Alcoholism is typically the symptom of larger problems - all of which need to be confronted by the alcoholic before he or she be considered as a trusting partner again. Simply putting a drink down and abstaining for months just isn't enough, because the underlying problems still exist, and sooner or later they're going to come to a head.
If you are still considering waiting this out, then I think you need to look beyond his drinking and start having discussions (with your therapist or with him on his better days) about the underlying problems and issues that he uses alcohol to cope with. Ask yourself if it is possible for him to fully reinvent himself as a person, and ask yourself if that is a chance that you're willing to take. If he's having this much of a problem struggling with the first step, then how much of a struggle will it be when he has to actually learn how to handle his other emotions properly.
There's a full attitude adjustment that he will have to first realize he needs to make, concerning his view of his partner, and then take the steps to do that. The anger and abuse are their own problems, and they're simply agitated by the alcohol. It is understandable to think about the first step, but there comes a time, when the struggle with the first step is so high, that you have to look at the next steps of recovery to see if it's even plausible for him to become the man that he should be to you and your kids.
In recovery, there's always a danger of relapse and backsliding, especially in the first year. It's easy to fall into the habit of feeling things are going to be okay even when you see a modicum of progress, but the reality is that they are simply taking the first out of many steps to improve themselves and their life. Alcoholism is typically the symptom of larger problems - all of which need to be confronted by the alcoholic before he or she be considered as a trusting partner again. Simply putting a drink down and abstaining for months just isn't enough, because the underlying problems still exist, and sooner or later they're going to come to a head.
If you are still considering waiting this out, then I think you need to look beyond his drinking and start having discussions (with your therapist or with him on his better days) about the underlying problems and issues that he uses alcohol to cope with. Ask yourself if it is possible for him to fully reinvent himself as a person, and ask yourself if that is a chance that you're willing to take. If he's having this much of a problem struggling with the first step, then how much of a struggle will it be when he has to actually learn how to handle his other emotions properly.
There's a full attitude adjustment that he will have to first realize he needs to make, concerning his view of his partner, and then take the steps to do that. The anger and abuse are their own problems, and they're simply agitated by the alcohol. It is understandable to think about the first step, but there comes a time, when the struggle with the first step is so high, that you have to look at the next steps of recovery to see if it's even plausible for him to become the man that he should be to you and your kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
chances are quite good that his night before six pack was NOT his first drink in the last five months. just the first time he has decided to "share" such marvelous news with you.
even if you had not shared that you too had some beers, he would have found something ELSE to blame you for. it doesn't matter WHAT you do, or do not do......he doesn't care WHAT you do, only how he can turn that around against you. had you gone to church, he would have complained about the wine you drank at communion.
it's time to reassess. don't you think? you've been hanging on to threads, shreds of the life and the man you once knew. it IS what it IS. this is your NOW.
even if you had not shared that you too had some beers, he would have found something ELSE to blame you for. it doesn't matter WHAT you do, or do not do......he doesn't care WHAT you do, only how he can turn that around against you. had you gone to church, he would have complained about the wine you drank at communion.
it's time to reassess. don't you think? you've been hanging on to threads, shreds of the life and the man you once knew. it IS what it IS. this is your NOW.
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