Too many feelings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Too many feelings
Has any of you experienced further abuse/blackmail after a relationship with an A ended?
Mine dumped me but it seems like he hates me and I just don't know why. I mean, he got what he wanted, he is no longer my boyfriend, he is single, just as he wanted. So, why does he say that I ruined him"? Why does he say that everything he did for me was a "useless effort "?
I'm trying very hard to get over the hurt and the anger but he really isn't making it any easier...
I feel like I aged a lot in the past two years, and I'm only 21.I feel ugly. My skin looks terrible, I have dark circles around my eyes and since my skin is pale I kinda look like a Tim Burton's character.
The situation with A dad is also mentally draining. He just doesn't want to do anything and he is angry all the time. He says there is no money for anything but he does buy his alcohol.
I just feel tired. I feel like I want to escape and start over, far away from the hate of others.
You are all very kind to me. Thanks for reading this and for all of your support.
Mine dumped me but it seems like he hates me and I just don't know why. I mean, he got what he wanted, he is no longer my boyfriend, he is single, just as he wanted. So, why does he say that I ruined him"? Why does he say that everything he did for me was a "useless effort "?
I'm trying very hard to get over the hurt and the anger but he really isn't making it any easier...
I feel like I aged a lot in the past two years, and I'm only 21.I feel ugly. My skin looks terrible, I have dark circles around my eyes and since my skin is pale I kinda look like a Tim Burton's character.
The situation with A dad is also mentally draining. He just doesn't want to do anything and he is angry all the time. He says there is no money for anything but he does buy his alcohol.
I just feel tired. I feel like I want to escape and start over, far away from the hate of others.
You are all very kind to me. Thanks for reading this and for all of your support.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure what you mean by "blackmail"--he isn't threatening you in any way, is he? It doesn't matter if he hates you, he just needs to leave you alone. All he's trying to do is to make you feel bad, because he's angry. Don't try to figure it out. Just keep ignoring and if necessary get an order to make him leave you alone. Figuring it out won't give you any peace, but his staying the hell out of your life will.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You have the ability to stop the abuse at any time you want. The abuse he continues to do would stop with blocking his # and obtaining a restraining order.
The abuse you’re doing to yourself could stop with some al-anon meetings, counseling, and letting go of him once and for all……………….physically he’s been gone 2 years but mentally you are still holding onto him allowing him to continue to suck the life right out of you and you are only 21. No man is worth doing that to yourself and feeling like you do….no man!!!
The abuse you’re doing to yourself could stop with some al-anon meetings, counseling, and letting go of him once and for all……………….physically he’s been gone 2 years but mentally you are still holding onto him allowing him to continue to suck the life right out of you and you are only 21. No man is worth doing that to yourself and feeling like you do….no man!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Take care. Hopefully the nonsense with your ex will taper off if you ignore him. Since you already changed your number once, threatening him with legal action (and then following through) isn't a bad idea if he keeps bothering you.
I totally understand wanting to escape your toxic home situation with your dad. I grew up feeling the exact same way. The problem was, even after I "escaped" to school, to the military, wherever, I was still carrying all that pain and hurt with me everywhere I went. I didn't realize how much it was hurting me until I started doing my own recovery work. I see a counselor and attend Alanon meetings, which has really helped me to let go of all those old, bad emotions from the past.
Try to get some rest, and do something nice for yourself. You deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we can't always GET AWAY from every person or thing that bothers us, but we CAN erect good solid boundaries and block contact.
no new contact = no new hurts.
however you are getting info on your EX, stop it.....if its from other people, tell THEM you don't want to hear another word, and if they continue, go no contact with them as well. if its thru social media, block that or just get off facebook or whatever.
limit contact with your dad as well. yes he is your father, but he isn't behaving like one - he's this big needy mess. you just don't need that and you are NOT responsible for him.
can you take some time off and go on a mini vacation? a change of scenery can be so beneficial. i'm not GOING anywhere, but i'm taking next week off of work just to hang out and home and putter around, defrost my freezer, other mega exciting stuff.
NOW is the time to take of YOU.
no new contact = no new hurts.
however you are getting info on your EX, stop it.....if its from other people, tell THEM you don't want to hear another word, and if they continue, go no contact with them as well. if its thru social media, block that or just get off facebook or whatever.
limit contact with your dad as well. yes he is your father, but he isn't behaving like one - he's this big needy mess. you just don't need that and you are NOT responsible for him.
can you take some time off and go on a mini vacation? a change of scenery can be so beneficial. i'm not GOING anywhere, but i'm taking next week off of work just to hang out and home and putter around, defrost my freezer, other mega exciting stuff.
NOW is the time to take of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Absolutely, yes. Mine got more vicious post-divorce until I went no contact.
He will keep punching the punching bag as long as you let in hang there.
There are some people filled with so much negative energy that they need somewhere to spew it. He isn't seeing YOU for you...he's finding a place to offload all of his shame, anger, fear. Until HE changes (may never happen), this is what he needs from you and everyone else. Why volunteer for that role?
One thing that helped me was to imagine that he really meant to say all these things to himself. It's often a projection of personal feelings they can't handle. If you picture that he really means to say these things about himself, does it sound reasonable to you?
I wouldn't let him remain in your life. Free yourself. Take your punching bag down and bring it over to a local gym filled with happy young athletic guys... Lol... seriously though, take yourself out in the broader world and eliminate his space in your head. You don't have to own the words he spews.
Only you can free you. And you can never make him understand, so save yourself instead.
You've got roughly 85 years in life...
25% is over...
what will you do with the last 75%?
He will keep punching the punching bag as long as you let in hang there.
There are some people filled with so much negative energy that they need somewhere to spew it. He isn't seeing YOU for you...he's finding a place to offload all of his shame, anger, fear. Until HE changes (may never happen), this is what he needs from you and everyone else. Why volunteer for that role?
One thing that helped me was to imagine that he really meant to say all these things to himself. It's often a projection of personal feelings they can't handle. If you picture that he really means to say these things about himself, does it sound reasonable to you?
I wouldn't let him remain in your life. Free yourself. Take your punching bag down and bring it over to a local gym filled with happy young athletic guys... Lol... seriously though, take yourself out in the broader world and eliminate his space in your head. You don't have to own the words he spews.
Only you can free you. And you can never make him understand, so save yourself instead.
You've got roughly 85 years in life...
25% is over...
what will you do with the last 75%?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal......through all of this....there are two important life lessons....universal laws.....that you need to be aware of:
(1) You are responsible for putting distance between the man and yourself. Whatever it takes--you have to do it..... No excuses/no whining/no occupying the "victim" role.....you just have to do it (like Nike!).
(2) Now that y ou are an adult--you are responsible for healing the damage that has been done to you during your developing years....
Because, the reality is that if y ou want to be healed and to be "happy" in this life---nobody else is going to do it for you.
If you don't believe me...lol.....print this out and take it to your new therapist and ask about it.......
dandylion
(1) You are responsible for putting distance between the man and yourself. Whatever it takes--you have to do it..... No excuses/no whining/no occupying the "victim" role.....you just have to do it (like Nike!).
(2) Now that y ou are an adult--you are responsible for healing the damage that has been done to you during your developing years....
Because, the reality is that if y ou want to be healed and to be "happy" in this life---nobody else is going to do it for you.
If you don't believe me...lol.....print this out and take it to your new therapist and ask about it.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, TTH. Hugs from me! I know that you have taken a lot of steps to cut off contact. I think it was very brave of you to take down your FB and change your number. It must have felt like a real violation when he somehow found your new number! But you were very smart to block him from the new number, and hopefully that will be the last you hear from him. Your father really does sound exhausting to be around! Do you have any options for moving out? A fresh start might be a great thing for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
Has any of you experienced further abuse/blackmail after a relationship with an A ended?
Mine dumped me but it seems like he hates me and I just don't know why. I mean, he got what he wanted, he is no longer my boyfriend, he is single, just as he wanted. So, why does he say that I ruined him"? Why does he say that everything he did for me was a "useless effort "?
I'm trying very hard to get over the hurt and the anger but he really isn't making it any easier...
I feel like I aged a lot in the past two years, and I'm only 21.I feel ugly. My skin looks terrible, I have dark circles around my eyes and since my skin is pale I kinda look like a Tim Burton's character.
The situation with A dad is also mentally draining. He just doesn't want to do anything and he is angry all the time. He says there is no money for anything but he does buy his alcohol.
I just feel tired. I feel like I want to escape and start over, far away from the hate of others.
You are all very kind to me. Thanks for reading this and for all of your support.
Mine dumped me but it seems like he hates me and I just don't know why. I mean, he got what he wanted, he is no longer my boyfriend, he is single, just as he wanted. So, why does he say that I ruined him"? Why does he say that everything he did for me was a "useless effort "?
I'm trying very hard to get over the hurt and the anger but he really isn't making it any easier...
I feel like I aged a lot in the past two years, and I'm only 21.I feel ugly. My skin looks terrible, I have dark circles around my eyes and since my skin is pale I kinda look like a Tim Burton's character.
The situation with A dad is also mentally draining. He just doesn't want to do anything and he is angry all the time. He says there is no money for anything but he does buy his alcohol.
I just feel tired. I feel like I want to escape and start over, far away from the hate of others.
You are all very kind to me. Thanks for reading this and for all of your support.
I will try harder to stop focusing on why does he do what he does... I can't simply expect him to be respectful now if he wasn't respectful when we we're still a couple...
Still, I wish he could just stick to his words for once.
I am homesick, but I will read a lot and play a lot of music...
Thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I know how hard it gets when you think everything is over and they still play games. It pulls you in again and fall even harder. Stay strong! I have a feeling your ex is playing games to get a rise out of you. He wants you to stay attached to him. He doesn't hate you...he hates himself.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
timetoheal, if his behaviour is causing you major distress, and it sounds like it is, you have every right to get an intervention order to stop him contacting you.
No-one has the right to distress you to this extent.
If you want an explanation for his anger, it is probably because he has a mix of guilt, loss of control, hostility, combined with being a young man and an A. He sees you as the cause of whatever's wrong with him because he can't look at his own actions. You're never going to sort him out, but you are entitled to be left alone.
Talk to a domestic violence advisor and follow their suggestions. They've seen this over and over, and will have good advice.
No-one has the right to distress you to this extent.
If you want an explanation for his anger, it is probably because he has a mix of guilt, loss of control, hostility, combined with being a young man and an A. He sees you as the cause of whatever's wrong with him because he can't look at his own actions. You're never going to sort him out, but you are entitled to be left alone.
Talk to a domestic violence advisor and follow their suggestions. They've seen this over and over, and will have good advice.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So, why does he say that I ruined him"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
A better question is why do you have any contact with him at all? It doesn't matter what he thinks, the relationship is over. If you really cut ties -- no contact -- he won't be a problem any longer.
I didn't gave my number to any of our many mutual friends so I have no idea how he got it.
However, he is blocked now.
That is why I was asking why he had to be so hateful even though he got the break up he wanted.
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