ItsJustMe89

I had 87 days sober when I relapsed on May 7th '15. That is the longest I have been sober since I started drinking. I have been on this relapse for 2 months now. I am unemployed and not doing well. I am getting food stamps, applied for unemployment, my mom is helping me pay for essentials... I have always been a night person. Since I lost my job on May 28th, I have been staying up all night just drinking and watching AmazonPrime shows and playing Ruzzle on my phone. Then I sleep most of the day away only to wake up and stay up all night again. I just keep getting fatter, but I am so lazy that what do I expect to happen. I don't smoke much marijuana. I only smoke right before I go to bed, to help me relax and fall asleep. And it is only a few hits. But that little bit that I am smoking is preventing me from applying for good jobs because I know I wont pass the drug test.

I need to pick myself up and start to face life on lifes terms again. I need to go back to AA and start trying again. It is one thing to keep failing even tho I am trying but it is unacceptable to not even be trying.

I just have a lot of self doubt. Doubt that I will be able to achieve long term sobriety, doubt that being sober will help any of my other problems. When I was sober for 87 days I still had ALL of my problems and they weren't getting any better. The only difference was that I wasn't drinking. I just wish I knew that if I can stay sober long enough I will find happiness in sobriety and my life will start improving. And that I will start to like myself. Because I did not like myself when I was sober and I also don't like myself when I am drinking. At least when I drink there is something that can soften the cold reality.

I am sorry for my negative attitude right now. I wonder if I am depressed. I actually started wondering that when I was sober last time. Maybe when I finally get a good job and have benefits again I might go to a psychologist to talk about the possibility of depression. I just never liked the idea of taking meds for depression. But I suppose being sober and on depression meds would be healthier then self medicating by drinking.

I am going to go to a meeting tomorrow and get a white chip. I am ready to start picking myself back up again.

1stepup

Hi ItsJustMe, can relate to your situation, I had 3months sobriety until May 3rd and I relapsed and spent the next 7weeks drinking nearly everyday. I was in AA and on here, but the stresses of life got to me and I chose to drink away the pain- bad idea. I wasted a lot of money I couldn't afford and damaged my health.

It was hard to put that drink down, I felt afraid of the comedown and how I'd cope with the guilt and remorse of losing the money and letting everyone down. But I did and despite being only on day 17 I do feel better and things aren't as bad as they seemed when alcohol was in my system. I used it to feel happy and when that didn't work I used it to escape or achieve oblivion but at the end of the day what goes up must come down- its a depressant and a horrible poison that messes with our heads.

Ive gone back to the meetings and on SR and got welcomed back with open arms, finding my feet in it again and am slowly starting to move forward in my recovery.

My problem was a lack of patience- wanting everything to go my way when I wasn't drinking. But life doesn't always get better around me, I have to grow and get better in dealing with it and then slowly it will be a happier place- if that makes sense!? There will be ups and downs but at least we can make a start from now on to start living sober instead of just existing drunk.

I wish you well.

tomsteve

Glad ya made it back! I'm also very glad to read this part:
"It is unacceptable to not even be trying."

Those doubts ya have seem pretty familiar. Prolly because I've had to deal with em.. Fear of success. With success comes the possibility of failure. Good news,though, on the drinking thing- ya just have to not drink today. Not tomorrow, next weekend, next month or 2 years from now. Ya just don't have to drink today. Then when ya wake up tomorrow, don't drink for tomorrows today. Repeat


13 months into recovery I was put on an anti depressant. That was after 13 m onths of working the program of AA,too.
And there is absolutly nothing wrong wih it. Well, after removing pride and ego there was nothing wrong wih it.


Will being sober help any of your other problems?
Probably not.
the action you put in on top of not drinking probably will.

Got a sponsor? Have you worked the steps? Read the big book or just used it as a coaster for yer drinks? Been calling others in recovery? Work the steps?


Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Dee74

Hi It'sJustMe - sorry you've been struggling.

no, gettign sober is not likely to solve all of your problems, though it will solve a few of them.

What getting sober will do is give you a level playing field, and a clear head to start working on your life and yourself so you can get both of them to where you want them to be.

If you stay committed to recovery, you have every chance in the world of that happening

If you keep drinking? you'll have no chance at all.

D

FreeOwl

Welcome back!

I have also been stuck in that space - wanting to stop but consumed with my addictive patterns.

What finally brought me to change was enough pain and negative consequence - with the impending and obvious threat of more.....

I eventually had enough pain and potential pain that my desire to stop outweighed my desire to stay in my addictive spiral.

We can wait until that painful place hits us - or we can choose to start doing all we can to magnify our desire for sobriety by making changes and giving ourselves sober motivation.

The best time to do that is RIGHT NOW.

Maybe you can start - this instant - with envisioning all the goodness that can come for you in sobriety. How about making an 'awesomeness o sobriety list' right now.

You don't have to stay in the downward spiral until disaster strikes.

doggonecarl

Buried in all your negativity is this nugget of positivity and it shows me you have the spark to make it.

Write this down on a piece of paper and look at it every day, every hour if you have to.

And banish all that negative thinking, the self doubts. All they are doing is keeping you in bed, feeling glum, and drinking.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!! Go at things again, you can do this!!

thomas11

What he said.

You are in a rut and need some structure, correct? By your own admission, you've had enough time off and are ready to get crackin again. I wish you the very best.