JKSGRL

For those of you who don’t know, recently I cut all contact with my exA and his family and friends. Most days I keep moving along, happier then I’ve been in a long time, if ever but some days are certainly tough. Somehow he always finds a way to reach out, on those days my heart sinks because nothing has changed. When I don’t hear from him, I wish I could and I wish it would be him finally “getting it”. I do know by now after educating myself and coming here that it’s a pretty hopeless situation and yet it can still hurt. Part of me feels the way I cut everything off and have continued to ignore him was really **** poor. It makes me want to reach out and explain myself AGAIN but in a calm, loving, positive manner. Sending a letter perhaps but I am not sure I am gaining anything by this……knock some sense into me please!

LexieCat

No letters--that isn't "cutting contact." And trust me, it will ONLY prolong the pain and put you right back in it.

How is he reaching you, when he "reaches out"--have you blocked email, cell phone, text, etc.?

JKSGRL

Oh yes I have blocked his number, his email, his parents number, his best friends number, I am not on any sort of social media, but he uses other peoples phones to call me or message me.

And I guess you're right about just prolonging the pain. I am sure to him it will only look like I am opening the lines of communication. He is not only an active A but I am pretty darn sure he is a narcissist!

Lilro

JKSGRL. I am pretty much going through the same....Lexie is correct, it only prolongs not only the pain but your own recovery. I foolishly answered his call after not hearing his voice in a month just the other day, I was hoping to hear that he was in fact working a program, any program...instead what I got was the "I love you, I miss you, I understand why you left but I can't stop drinking, I even drink more now because I have lost you" UGH!!!!!!!! Seriously???? Ok....whatever. My answering the phone was a BIG MISTAKE. It definitely just brought me back to square one in my own recovery.
I know it's hard, but honestly now I'm just pissed again. I am sure you have already explained it to him more than once. It doesn't really matter, it's like talking to a two year old although a two year old would probably "get it". No point in beating a dead horse...he's not / doesn't want to listen. Go on with your life, seek therapy, go hit up some Al-anon meetings....get on with it. If it was meant to be, it will.......hang in there.....NO LETTERS!!! Big Hug to you!!!

amy55

What I got out of your post was that you want to reach out and explain yourself AGAIN. Apparently, you have tried many other times to explain yourself. Just seeing the way that you wrote that reminded me of how many times I wanted to explain myself AGAIN.

I spent years trying to figure out the right way to say things so that he would understand that I wasn't trying to hurt him. None of them worked. They didn't work because he needed someone to blame and that person was me. The more I tried to explain, (JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain), the more ammo he had on me.

Please, just look back on the other times. Do you think he was actually listening to you. I hate to say this, but if he was, you would have only needed to say it once. Not AGAIN, and AGAIN, and AGAIN.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Butterfly

I understand wanting to reach out and explain yourself, express how his addiction makes you feel. You've probably told him over and over again.

I know for me when I tried to go no contact I'd last a few days a week even but then. I'd always give into the urge to contact him, see how he was, ask if he was still drinking, reassuring him I was always there for him when he was ready, explaining things calmly, angrily, lovingly, sad. I also felt a lot of guilt that I couldn't fix him.

I was still wanting him to change to get sober and come home. I said the same things every time only used different approaches. I also sent a letter a loving letter and again reassuring him I would always be their for him. Every time I reached out I received a slap in the face because I wasn't getting the answer I wanted, that he was ready for sobriety. I didn't realise this at the time, but time and distance and space helped me see this.

I now write lots of letters about how I feel but I don't send them but they allow me to say what I need to say to him.

What I'm trying to say is think about what it is you want to achieve from reaching out and whether it will bring you more hurt and pain. Reaching out won't give you closure, he can't give you what you deserve only you can give yourself that.

JKSGRL

THANK YOU everyone, I needed that BIG TIME! Every one of you is so very right and I should know better by now, it's been long enough and I did become a broken record, it was beyond frustrating! Reading your posts put me right back in that place of remembering the constant pain of it, putting my foot down, going NC, hoping it would change something and hearing from him not too long afterwards to realize nothing had changed. I guess naively since this has been the longest time I have gone NC I felt something had to change. Towards the end I was paying his cell phone bill and I stopped doing that as well so it’s been shut off. When these calls come through from other phones I am thinking it will be some sort of apology, etc. but it’s always somehow my fault or someone else’s fault or I just don’t understand what he goes through, how could I give up on a dying man, “please love me” etc. etc. I let the calls go to voicemail but I am thinking it’s best to just delete the message the moment I hear his voice. Lilro I know exactly what you mean about it being like trying to talk to a 2 year, hahaha, so true, that’s why when I see his area code pop up, I ignore the call. Time to take it a step further, because when I hear his voice, ugh, it’s like someone punched me in the gut!

I am learning and I am seriously proud of myself for taking the steps I have to remove myself from the situation, but it’s been tough. I am at fault for sliding back into, “well he is different” or “if I just cut him from my life, he’ll finally get it and come riding in like my knight in shining armor”, but I know deep down inside that will never happen. In the past I wasn’t ready to face that reality so I couldn’t ever truly let go. I knew if I let go, he would just move on doing what he was doing until he was dead. He was only getting progressively worse and it helps to read all of your posts and realize the truth of things, the truth might sting but it certainly sets you free.

I have said and done all I could over and over again….and like I said, it only got worse. I am able to change my thinking rather quickly these days, I push through the pain and use it to empower me to be the best version of myself but there are certainly moments I hear a song or come across a picture and even though I have educated myself on the matter, I can’t but help think “come on now, really, he gave up everything for that ****?! For a really ****** existence?!” If he put in as much effort and enthusiasm that he does for his addiction that man could have had a great life. Towards the end of our relationship, he knew it was killing him and he had accepted it, decided he was just going to keep drinking himself to death and wanted me to accept him for what he was and just love him, be there for him until his death, but I couldn’t do that, I still struggle with that decision. I hate when people compare it to cancer and are like, “you wouldn’t walk out on someone that has cancer would you??” UGH, having a disease does not entitle you to be a selfish ******* though! And cancer patients get treatment!

Lilro

Hang in there....

JKSGRL

Yeah I think it's time for me to shift my focus on myself and my life completely. I have done all I can for HIM, I need to stop obsessing over the could've, would've, should’ve. I'd like to thank all of you again for all of your support, it's really helped! Whatever will be, will be. I trust that. I know that regardless of my situation I can CHOOSE happiness at any time, I do not need to stay in the pain when that chapter is clearly closed.

Good luck to everyone on their journey!